A maze in hell—that was the best way Felix could describe the wreaking turmoil he had brought himself into. tears were streaming down his face as he sat in the middle of the lounge, on his knees just begging the heavens to ease his aches, his heart felt like there was an avalanche of lava and it was beneath it, he felt like he was drowning but all he could feel was blazing coal grazing the soft of his skin and burning through it. the entire room spun and spun until Felix had no perception of dimension and gravity and until he was nearly about to throw up
his head was piercing like someone had been pricking needles through his skull for hours and hours, there was no oxygen in his lungs just pure acid and he wanted nothing but to flee from his own body, run away from this mess, and hide somewhere safe, preferably Hyunjin's arms. but that was the one thing he couldn't do, he's lost Hyunjin. he's pushed him away into an abyss which Felix was at the bottom of. he's always had a way with words so why couldn't he just explain it now? the fear he felt about hurting Hyunjin, that he too was madly in love with him but just couldn't say it
because if he did, it would cement their shared affection and there will be no turning back, Hyunjin will be bound to his miseries and despair, Hyunjin would have to carry the weight of the agony the universe had put him through and he didn't want that. Hyunjin has done enough for him and he can't let the boy waste more of his life on something that was bound to be terminated, he was certain he wasn't going to live and if he told Hyunjin he loved him too then the raven head would never love again, he was aware of the madness of Hyunjin's love, the amount and extent of it and he knew if he allowed the other to fall deeper in love with him then he'll never be normal again
when Felix dies he'll never recover, he'll never heal, he'll never move on and Felix couldn't do that to him. if he was going to die he was going to do it alone and not bring someone else and their happiness down with him too. at a loss of breath and life, the brunette inhaled a deep breath, yet before the air could pass through his lungs the dread of Hyunjin getting hurt did. flashes of numerous nightmares he's had of Hyunjin getting hurt flooded through his head as his eyes widened and his heart stopped beating, Hyunjin was out there in the rain all alone, swimming through the waters of grief and he could get seriously hurt, Felix doesn't know how but he could get hurt and he would rather burn alive than allow that to happen
so before he knew it he was putting aside all of his own agonies and running out of that door in the search of Hyunjin.
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Felix ran and ran, as fast as he could, as much as he could. his feet were growing numb and his entire body was soaked and shivering by the brazen rain, there wasn't much he was feeling everything was oddly still like time had stopped moving and the world grew frozen. his own heart wasn't beating either and he didn't feel like he was breathing, all he knows was that he was running to Hyunjin, striving to reach him before danger does. the sounds of his heavy feet thwacking the ground and splashing puddles of water that gathered around pavements echoed alongside the pattering of the rain
tears streamed down his face but they went unnoticed due to the merciless rain that fell from the sky above. he had no idea where he was running to or where he currently was, no indication of his own safety or conscience just the pure fact of keeping Hyunjin safe albeit the fact that he didn't even know who was he protecting the other from when the thing Hyunjin should be most protected from is himself
It was then he stopped running when his feet stumbled and his legs gave up, having no more energy to keep up with his perturbing thoughts that distorted the walls of his mind and left him uncontrollably sobbing, he couldn't get up, he couldn't move. he just sat there on the cold and jagged pavement with both his palms on the ground and sobbed until his entire body shook from the pressure, and there it was answered; the phenomenal question— the worry, and the panic that webbed his mind wasn't unnecessary, he was just hiding the true reason he felt so shattered
he hated how he had been the one to hurt Hyunjin, how it was he who shattered Hyunjin's heart and left him breathless. he was very well aware of the damage he's caused and he wished to do nothing but turn back time and stop this hell from breaking loose but it was too late and he couldn't do anything now except for sit here hopelessly and cry
the brunette didn't fathom when a car pulled up on the side of the street and a young man stepped out of it, rushing over to his side and holding an umberella over his head "hey, kid, what's wrong?" his voice was comforting but in a scolding manner when he sat down beside Felix and put a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to look up. the boy was startled to see the sight of Felix's face "F-Felix?!" he stumbled over his words, surprised to have seen the brunette there "What are you doing?!" he asked immediately grabbing hold of the sobbing boy's arm and jolting him up from the ground
"what is going on, why are you crying? are you hurt?" he quested endlessly as he held Felix close to himself due to the boy being unable to hold his own weight "H-Hyunjin" was all the boy could cry out, letting himself fall over the strange boy who also happened to be Yeonjun, he wrapped an arm around Felix's shoulders and let him remain against his body "Did that bastard hurt you? I knew it he is a dick anyway" the taller of the two cursed under his breath "Okay why don't you tell me what you're doing here?" he questioned, his tone changing and softening but it was far too out of Felix's reach to be coherent "Felix?" he asked nearing his face toward Felix's ear but all the boy did was sob and gasp for air while he shivered incessantly
"Oh god, you'll get sick this way" he mumbled more to himself than the other boy as he turned around and commanded his bodyguard to open the car's door and handed him the umbrella "Let's get inside, we'll figure out the what's and how's later" he whispered in Felix's ears as he helped the boy inside the car and settled next to him as well, cuing the driver to start as he sighed deeply. he turned to look at the brunette boy who still hadn't quite calmed down, going through labored breathing and nonstop shivering which Yeonjun didn't know if it was from a panic attack or the cold
"Felix, hey look at me" he whispered mellowingly grabbing hold of Felix's cold and shaking hands and overwriting them with his large, warm, and still ones "It's okay just breath yea? You're alright" he tried his best to help the boy stop crying but nothing seemed to work "water, give me water," he asked the butler who was seated in the passenger seat and in the blink of an eye he was handed a water bottle which he unscrewed and aided to Felix's mouth "It's okay, It's just water, drink" he angled the bottle and Felix gulped down the contents before he pushed away Yeonjun's hand
"there, there" he felt relieved to see Felix's eyes on himself and his breathing becoming less erratic "You remember me right?" Yeonjun flashed a sweet smile in Felix's direction who only seemed to nod lazily, slumping back in the car seat and trying his best to breathe properly. tears still dripped down his face but he was less frantic now, seeming to have returned to his senses "Do you think you can tell me the address to your place? so we can bring you back home?" Yeonjun's voice was slow and soft, emphasizing each word so it won't be a hell ton of bullshit for Felix
the latter shook his head no and Yeonjun nodded in understanding "Okay then are you okay with coming to my place until you calm down?" He raised his brows and Felix nodded, almost too out of it to make sense of what was happening, what he was doing here, and why Yeonjun was with him.
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𝟐𝟒
Dawn crawled the horizon with the sun lurking behind and set the night away breaking another day. the saturated hues of the sun rising bled through the city and high buildings, spreading across the streets and lightening up car windows. Hyunjin looked and felt like a corpse who had been incarnated, every inch of him ached and he felt like he will faint just about now as he opened the door to their apartment and walked inside, his heart was heavy and dreading what will happen next. he had spent the entire night just wandering here and there in the pouring rain trying to make sense of his emotions and the fire around him
he was hurt and that was an understatement but he didn't blame Felix, he blamed himself. he knew he shouldn't have fallen in love let alone with someone as perfect as Felix, he should've never implied himself on Felix, he felt too much and did too much, he loved Felix too much and the intensity of his emotions suffocated the other, that's why he had said it was nonsense, Felix would never hurt someone intentionally and Hyunjin was convinced he had said it without forethought and Hyunjin wasn't mad at the brunette, he never could be
he was hurt by himself and angry, he was pained that he might've dealt the wrong card and now he'll lose Felix so walking back inside this home they shared he was determined to fix whatever he had wronged and make sure he won't lose Felix over this silly argument, he didn't mind if Felix didn't love him back, now or forever, all he cared about was what they had despite the romantic feelings and intimate acts
"Felix?"
his voice was groggy and visibly exhausted, eyes sunken back and dark circles spreading down to the high of his cheeks, he looked like he's been through hell and was awoken by the devil. there was only silence and Hyunjin sighed knowing the silence was expected, they've just had a downfall of course Felix won't be running into his arms all jolly and happy. he called out again this time lower as he made his way toward their shared bedroom and walked through the door, once again only silence answered him. he called again and again until he grew anxious
it was 5 and a half in the morning, where in the world could the brunette be? Hyunjin let out a stretched-out sigh as he walked out of the bedroom and into the middle of the small living room before he rushed his hands to his pockets, trying to find his phone. once he did he Immediately unlocked it and dialed Felix's contact, placing the phone on his ear and waiting anxiously as the line went on and on until the operator spoke up "The number you-" He hung up the call and dialed again, tapping his foot on the ground apprehensively, his heart drummed like there was no tomorrow and he could barely breath
what if he had made the wrong decision by leaving Felix alone and he did something out of impulse?
so many thoughts rang through his head and Hyunjin found the easiest thing to be the hardest; breathing. what if he's hurt? his mind just didn't want to stop as he continuously called the other incessantly "Please pick up" he mumbled to the passing air and the wind brought his prayers to the sky, letting the heavens answer them, and the phone was answered "Felix? are you okay? where are you? I'm sorry--I'm sorry about whatever happened last night please tell me you're okay" he nearly choked on a sob, he definitely had to work on blabbering when he was nervous "geez, how much do you talk?" a voice that was definitely not Felix's answered from the other side and Hyunjin felt like he'd throw up right there and then
"W-who is this?"
he questioned, voice wavering "Yeonjun, Felix is with me he-" As soon as those words registered in his mind his blood boiled to an unearthly level "What the fuck is Felix doing with you? did you hurt him? what-" Hyunjin was cut off in the middle of his yet another rant "Jesus Christ! will you let me talk?!" Yeonjun's voice was sharp and Hyunjin had to inhale a deep breath to tolerate Yeonjun's shit show "Talk then" he spat with much anger as he heard the other boy sigh "I came across lix on some street and he was losing his shit and shivering, so I asked him if he could tell me the address to his place and he said no so I took him to my place, with his knowledge before you flip out again. so no I didn't hurt Felix but you surely did" The words burned through Hyunjin's chest
"What...what do you mean?" Hyunjin's confident and angry voice was reduced to nothing but a silent cry "He kept mumbling your name and crying. he's currently asleep and even now he was crying out your name, I tried to make him eat but he refused but he's in warm clothes now, hydrated and comfortable" Yeonjun drew out a long breath before the sounds of him gulping down some drink echoed in Hyunjin's ears "Thank you...for taking care of him" one thing Hyunjin's learned from the brunette is to always show gratitude, and how could he not thank the person whose helped his cherished darling through tough times
as bitter as he felt he was still glad Yeonjun had been there to help Felix, even if he felt skeptical of the other man he had no other choice but to trust Yeonjun, it wasn't as if he would hurt Felix, right? "I'll come and pick him-" "Don't bother, let him rest for now and I'll drop him off or he'll come back on his own, I doubt he wants to see you right now" there it was again, a pang at Hyunjin's already bruised heart as he looked down at his feet with a blurry vision "Alright" was all he mumbled before he cut off the call and let out the sob he was biting back the entire time
falling to his knees and sitting right where Felix once had, he sobbed uncontrollably letting all the miseries he's tried to push away fall upon himself once again, being swallowed by the blue of his gloomy sky
_____
the sun had set, officially dictating that the day has passed. Felix felt like he'd been buried and clawed his way out of his coffin, nothing has ever hurt worse than this. walking up the stairs to their shared apartment felt like an entire 2-hour workout now that he was facing the consequences of running like a maniac
though he has spent the entire day with Yeonjun at his lavish mansion the thought of Hyunjn haunted his mind the whole time, he just wanted to run home and be with Hyunjin, sort out this mess so they can be alright again but Yeonjun insisted he stays a few more hours just so he can be sure Felix is truly alright. the latter also tried to question what really had happened but gave up when Felix gave him a vague answer of "Hyunjin and I had a small fight" he knew it was personal and he had no business trying to pry information that was very visibly confidential
he was still oblivious to the conversation Yeonjun and Hyunjin shared as the tall boy assumed it wasn't worth telling Felix so he deleted the call from the call log and pretended like nothing had happened, courtesy to Felix having removed his password because it was 'too much of a hassle' to type it in every time
opening the door the first sight he was met with was the sight of Hyunjin, lying on his side on the floor with his knees to his chest and his face buried in his knees, sobbing and shaking. he looked so helpless and Felix could feel the drop of his heart to his stomach, tears welled in his eyes when he ran toward Hyunjin grabbing hold of him and uttering his name like it had always been there at the tip of his tongue "Hyunjin?" it was barely above a whisper, he didn't have it in him to speak
"Hyunjin-ah get up" he mumbled once again, his salt streams beginning to fall again and dampen his cheeks and eyelashes. The aforementioned looked up with bloodshot eyes and a reddened nose, "Felix?" he whispered, voice so broken it shattered Felix worse "Yes it's me" the brunette sobbed as Hyunjin sat up and engulfed the boy in his arms in the beat of a heart and Felix returned the act of intimacy, wrapping his arms around Hyunjin's neck and burying his face in the crook of his neck while Hyunjin held him by the waist
"I'm so sorry-- I'm so so sorry, Felix, I'm-" Hyunjin silenced when Felix hugged him tighter making him forget his words "shh Jinnie, please don't" he sobbed running his fingers through Hyunjin's messy and tangled ebony hair "I'm sorry, I was so mean to you I hurt you I'm so sorry Hyun, I'm--" this time, Felix was silenced by arms tightening around his waist and he knew what that meant so he shut his mouth and sobbed, cried until his eyes began hurting once again and Hyunjin did the same "you know I will never think of your feelings as nonsense, right? I wasn't thinking clearly"
Felix parted from the hug and stared right into Hyunjin's swollen eyes and gave him his own glossy ones "I know" he whispered and Felix smiled painfully "I'm sorry" he bit tightly onto his bottom lip and Hyunjin returned the smile "I am too" they stayed like that, looking into one another's eyes "Just please don't leave me...please I--" Hyunjin began sobbing again as he hid his face in Felix's neck and all the other could do was hold him protectively "I know I have no purpose and you don't have to tolerate me but please, I beg of you don't dump me I will make myself useful but please Felix--please keep me with you, let me stay by your side"
Felix wanted to scream, his heart burned to a level that was indescribable, there was so much pain he felt that it could never be described, Hyunjin wasn't asking him to stay by his side, instead, he was begging Felix to allow him to stay by his side, could it ever hurt worse than this? "Hyunjin, please" he cried out, his own soul had begun ripping apart by Hyunjin's pleas
"I'm sorry, lix, I know I always hurt the people I love but I promise--I promise I will never hurt you, not again just let me stay by your side, I won't ever express my love and make you uncomfortable, I'll sit quietly just let me be next to you...I can't bare it, I can't lose you"
the universe must hate Felix to put him through this "Hyunjin no, you don't make me uncomfortable, never" he cried as he pulled away from the hug and held Hyunjin's face in his hands, cupping his cheeks and wiping away his tears that just didn't seem to stop, he wished he could tell Hyunjin how much he loved him, he wished he didn't have to hurt the other by this bitter decision, he wished he didn't have to carry the weight of his feelings for the other "But you don't want me and I understand that-" "No, you know nothing" tears ran down the brunette's face as his bottom lip quivered
eight letters; is all it takes, eight letters.
'If all it is, is eight letters then why is it so hard to say?' he wished the heavens had made it easier for him, for the sake of Hyunjin if not for him but alas, what is love if not grief in disguise? "You don't know just how much I want you" He whispered, holding his eyes on Hyunjin who stared at him like he had revealed the darkest and deepest secrets of the universe. his lingering gaze fell on Hyunjin's carol lips before he looked up again and found a sky of glory, a smile bloomed on his mouth as he let out a shaky breath and leaned in to attach his lips atop Hyunjin's.