I was exhausted. I hadn't been home since Christmas and now I was back, I was just working anyway. It's not like it made much of a difference to how it used to be. I think this winter has just taken its toll on my physically. The album had been out a month now and it was doing so well, I was so proud of it and all the love it was getting. But we were coming up to award season again and pairing that with tour prep and working on stuff for the next album in the background. I was slammed.
Having Jasper here all the time with Ava sucked. Looking at him just made me thing of fucking Theo and I'd honestly, rather not. I knew it wasn't worth it. The complications with it all. It wasn't worth it. If he hadn't have been leaving for tour the next fucking morning he's right, I probably would have regretted it. It was stupid. The whole thing.
Me thinking I could have a solid friendship that didn't turn out like that. I had Noah. And he was a fluke I'm almost positive. Because when Noah kissed me after our first date, it sure as fuck didn't feel like that. I didn't lay in bed that night silently sobbing, I didn't pretend it never happened and crank up my work load just to keep it off my fucking mind. Because even now 9 months after he kissed me, it's still the first thing I think of every morning and it's not fucking fair and I hate it.
We'd originally called the album 'Don't Freak' after what was supposed to be the lead single. But like usual, I added a last minute track and it changed everything. So, we landed on 'Strangers'. With this neon purple lighting that I just loved and looked stunning on the print so that's what we went with. Though the shoot for this was back at the beginning of December, which was lucky because in true new year new me fashion, I finally took the plunge and dyed my hair.
I loved it. I did it on the fly in London before driving home. Ava and Noah just stared at me in shock. It was great. I looked less pale, more tanned and it made my eyes pop. It just took some getting used to is all. I've never dyed my hair before so I don't think anyone was expecting me to make a decision so on the fly like that too. Even sitting in the chair, I was doubting it. But it worked out fine so you know, whatever.
I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, the track list for tour running through my headphones for the millionth time today. Each play through was another step by step run through in my head of where I needed to be and when, where I needed to fill with little speeches. Going back to London tomorrow and that was my life until after events season and then we're off. I just want to get back on the road now.
I closed the fridge, shitting myself and dropping the water bottle to the floor.
"FUCKING HELL." I tugged my headphones down onto my neck, holding my knees as I caught my breath. "Jesus Christ Jasper."
"I did say hi 3 times." A chair scraped as I slowly stood up in the dark kitchen. "You're out late."
"You're here late." He raised his bottle of beer before taking a sip. "Tour prep."
"Running?"
"Yep."
"That's like your third today."
"2 runs and a gym session. Do you have any idea how hard a full run on tour is?"
"Pretty hard I'm guessing." I nodded, unscrewing the cap from my bottle and having a drink. "Theo's back tomorrow."
"Good for him."
"Said you haven't responded to a single one of his texts whilst he's been away."
"Haven't I? That's bad. I've been super busy. Guess it's just slipped my mind." He raised an eyebrow at me. "What's that look for?"
"What happened?"
"Hm?"
"You two were great. For a solid what 7 weeks both of your eyes were buried into each other and if he wasn't working, he was on the phone with you." I shrugged.
"Life I guess. This is why I can't date though. People are always complaining at me for not even trying but Theo's a friend and neither of us have the time to text how would I find time to have a relationship?" He nodded slowly. "Anyway, long drive back to London tomorrow and everything so I'm gonna-" I pointed behind me to the hall back to the rest of the house. I had no idea why he was down here alone anyway, normally Ava is wrapped around him like a baby monkey on it's mum.
"Morgan?"
"Yep."
"He loved the album. Said it was your best work yet and that he's proud of you."
"Still another single to come too." I smiled, drinking from the bottle. "Night Jas."
"Night Branners."
I walked slowly, keeping calm about it all. Theo listening to the album was nerve wracking. His opinion meant a lot to me so doing that without him when I'd had him so involved at first had been rough. He was here for the shortest time in reality but it felt weird doing it all without him now.
I missed him.
I missed having someone who got all of this world. Noah and V tried. They'd been here from the beginning so they got used to it with me but it wasn't happening to them you know? It was happening to their best friend. All the reporting and paparazzi shoots and everything. They didn't get the work load and the stress and the panic of it all. He did. I missed having someone I didn't have to explain it all too. Who just outright didn't care about anything else. Or so I thought.
I still hadn't worked out what his plan was with everything. To what? Kiss me and then leave? Did he plan on it going further? Would he have done that and then just fucking left me in bed in the middle of the night? Sneaking out the back door when everyone was asleep? That is what pissed me off the most about this whole fucking thing. He kissed me knowing he was then going to leave but he didn't want me to regret it? I don't get it. If I was going to regret anything, surely I'd have regretted not saying no to him for that too. God it was just a fucking mess and it sucked because as it turns out, it was more than a stupid attraction and more than a crush. I really liked him and one stupid decision messed it all up and I'm back at square one.