'What's wrong?'
'Nothing.'
I raise an eyebrow as I watch Ella storm into the house with thunder in her eyes. I'd ask again, but I'm pretty sure I already know what this is about.
There have been rumors going around about me. It was inevitable, I suppose, now that all the communities have finally made peace together. The people from the Sanctuary saw how Negan treated me. Some of his officers, such as Dwight, heard him brag about being with me... And of course, my own behavior just a week ago did nothing to quiet anything down.
Begging Rick to let me save Negan was generally not exactly received very well. People give me judgemental looks and whisper behind my back. Maggie hasn't said a word to me, but gave me a death stare that chilled my blood every time we accidentally crossed paths. I'm secretly relieved that she stayed back at the Hilltop because all of this doesn't make it any easier to move on from everything.
I choose to ignore it all as much as possible. But Ella doesn't. She hears anything, she jumps right on it to tell people to mind their own business. Usually in less sophisticated terms. She actually got into a fight with some other teens the other day and came home with a bloody nose. I told her to just leave it all alone, but I'm not stupid enough to think she'll listen.
I'm mostly sad that it has created a rift between her and Enid. Enid was pretty close with Glenn, so she doesn't understand that Ella can still stand behind me after what I did. Of course, she's lost Carl too, so I know she's been feeling lonely.
We have moved back to Alexandria, but it doesn't really feel like home anymore. Our old house has been destroyed in the attack. It was painful to see, but at the same time I realized I felt a little detached from it. I thought it would hurt more to see my house ruined, but I guess it already didn't really feel like my home anymore.
We moved into another house, along with Cal and B. There isn't enough room now to give everyone their own home, not until some houses have been rebuilt or patched up. I'm happy to share the house with them, because right now, they're one of the few people that don't judge me for everything I've done. Unfortunately though, they'll be leaving soon. Though the surrender of the Sanctuary has been accepted, it's going to take some time for people to really come together. The talking behind my back is nothing compared to the animosity that many former Saviours receive. So, they've decided to start over somewhere new.
Fortunately, my work keeps me occupied. There are still quite a few patients, since we're still dealing with the aftermath of everything. Though of course I'm sad for all the suffering, I'm glad for the distraction. I prefer to focus on the task on hand then to think about everything else.
Like the one patient that I don't get to see. Rick has entrusted Negan to Siddiq's care and doesn't allow anybody else to see him without his permission. Which makes sense, because there are a lot of people here that would happily put a bullet into him and Rick has decided to keep him alive. I don't think that's the reason he doesn't want me to see him, though. Clearly, Rick has heard the rumors. I'm not sure what he thinks I'd do if he did allow me to see him. It's not like I'll try to cut him loose and run off into the sunset together.
Maybe it's just that he doesn't want to grant Negan anything that might make him happy. And I guess... seeing me might make him happy. A little. I wonder how he feels now that he's lost everything. And if he's even happy that I managed to save him or that he'd rather have bled out right there under that tree.
Even though rationally, I know I should just try to forget about him and move on, I keep thinking about him. I don't talk to anybody about the time we spent together, but to myself, I can't pretend none of it ever happened. I grew to care about him and that doesn't just disappear.
I was helping out an injured Saviour... no, former Saviour, the other day, who told me something that got Negan on my mind even more.
'You got him rattled when you called out', the former Saviour, DJ, told me. 'Never saw him look so unsure before.'
'Really?' I asked him, my heart lifting at the news. Even though I was expecting it, it still hurt when Negan chose his vengeance over my life.
'He almost didn't want to go through with it', DJ continued. 'But you know, it had gone way too far for him to back out at that point. He told me to keep an eye out for you, though. Find you if I could and get you away from the danger.'
My mind started to spin so fast, I could hardly focus on his injuries anymore. Yes, he did go through with it even when he knew it would be a danger for me. But still, he tried to look out for me. In his own way.
But anyway, there's no point in dwelling over the man, because I can't see him and I probably never will again. When he's recovered enough, they'll put him in a jail cell. To live out his days as a symbol for the new world. A world in which we don't mindlessly kill each other.
I walk into the kitchen where Ella is aggressively chopping down some carrots, apparently choosing to channel her frustration into the preparation of our dinner. I suppose there's worse ways for her to release some of her anger.
'You alright, hun?' I ask her a little cautiously, leaning against the doorframe.
'Ugh, it's just...' she sighs. Planting the knife back into the counter, she pauses her work to look at me. She looks even more agitated than I anticipated.
'I thought that when this would all be over, everything would just be the same again. You know, like before. But Carl's gone... Our house is gone... Everybody's just... you know. It doesn't really feel like home here anymore, does it?'
I'm surprised to hear her say what I've been feeling too. I decided not to tell her how I felt, because I assumed she'd be happy to be back at Alexandria and I didn't want to ruin it for her. Any more than I already did by letting myself get close to Negan.
'I kinda feel the same way', I admit. 'But you know, I think it's just gonna take some time. A lot has happened. We were happy here once, we can be again.'
'Well, yeah, but...' she starts hesitantly. 'Sometimes I wish we could just...'
She looks at me a little doubtfully, her next words apparently stuck in her throat. Then she shakes her head and picks her knife back up.
'Never mind', she mumbles.
'What?' I ask her curiously. 'You wish we could just what?'
'Nothing', she says stubbornly. 'You won't want to do it.'
'Try me.'
She sighs again and looks back up at me. I wonder what this could possibly be about.
'Sometimes I wish we could go with Cal and B. Discover some new places, you know. Meet new people. I've seen nothing of the world.'
For a second, excitement has seeped through in her words. I catch the glimmer of it in her eyes as well. But then she quickly tones it down again and focuses her attention back on the carrots.
'But I know what you'll say. It's too dangerous. It's full of walkers and bad people out there... And then there's my shit.'
I let my head rest back against the wall and look at her, drawing herself in again. Cal and B have asked us to come with them and I admit that I was tempted. So much has happened. And though all I ever wanted through all of it was to help people, now everybody judges me. I could do with a new place, new people. I love being a doctor, but all I ever do is take care of people. My patients and Ella take up all my time.
Negan helped me see that. For all his faults, at least he did try to look after me. He'd tell me to take a break and learn to relax. To let someone else take care of me for a chance.
Only he proved that he couldn't do that. But it doesn't matter. I don't need anybody to take care of me. I have Ella and she has me. And maybe... maybe that should be it for a while. Leave the many responsibilities of being a doctor behind for a while. They have Siddiq now. They'd manage without me.
We could go anywhere. The world is big and there's nobody to tell you you're not supposed to be somewhere. I've always wanted to see Yellowstone. Or the Grand Canyon. I never had the time before, or I thought it was too far away. But we have nothing but time now. We could take a car and just see the whole country.
Only Ella's right. It is dangerous out there. Neither of us know how to fight if we would run into walkers or people with bad intentions. But Cal and B do. They could teach us. Of course we'd need supplies too. Maybe we could visit communities we meet on the road. Offer medical services in return for supplies. I mean, who knows who else is out there, right? There have to be more places like this.
'Chris?' Ella asks loudly, waving her hand at me. She looks impatient, like she's called out to me before. She probably has.
'Where'd you go? I asked how many potatoes do you think I should make for the four of us.'
'Oh. Right', I say, trying to focus on reality again. 'I don't know, 8?'
Ella looks at me a little quizzically. I think I still don't exactly look sharp yet.
'What are you thinking about?'
'I was thinking about what you said', I say slowly, surprising myself by even considering it.
'What? You mean about coming with Cal and B?'
'Yeah', I say. 'I mean... It would be an adventure, wouldn't it?'
---
We're leaving tomorrow. Most of the people that got injured in the conflict have healed enough to not need my help anymore. Siddiq can handle what's left.
We've talked our plans over with Rick and Michonne. They urged us to reconsider. Warned us that it's too dangerous out there. Of course, we understand the dangers. But Cal has been teaching us how to shoot and B showed me some self-defense moves. They'll be able to defend us until we can do it ourselves and if necessary, I can always offer medical care. I think we'll make a pretty good team out there.
But more importantly, though it may be dangerous, we're done simply surviving. We have been hiding behind the walls of Alexandria for far too long. It didn't hit me until the Sanctuary that Ella had never even been inside a bar. All I'd been doing was taking care of Ella and my patients and all Ella had been doing was basic tasks and hanging out within the same places for years.
We want to live. Experience things. Make new memories. Even if it means that life might be shorter, at least it will be worth more.
There's also the factor that even with the medication that Negan found, we will run out at some point. When we get there, travel will certainly be impossible. It will be hard enough for Ella to just live. I want to show her the world before we get there. See it with her.
So our minds have been made. Rick and Michonne agreed to let us leave with supplies that will last us a couple of weeks. And they've made sure to know that we're always welcome back.
'I hope this isn't about the... rumours', Michonne asked me a little uncomfortably.
'It's not', I said. 'I mean, it is, in a way, but it's more than that.
'I may not understand why you did what you did, but...' She continued cautiously. 'You know you're very valuable to us, right? We want you here.'
Yes, valuable. I was valuable to Alexandria and then I was valuable to Negan. A doctor always is in a world like this. But I'm done being valuable for a while. I just want to focus on living, with Ella.
'Thank you', I told Michonne. 'But this is what we want. Really.'
Rick had been standing by the wall, staring out the window. He seems to be doing a little better, now that everything is starting to settle down. But he is still not himself. Of course, you couldn't expect him to be, after losing his son. I wasn't completely sure that he was paying much attention, but then he turned to me.
'I shouldn't have let them take you', he said unexpectedly. 'You were a part of this community for way longer than I was, I should have... I should have put up a fight.'
'No', I told him. I did have some resentment against Rick for letting them take me and for shooting at me. And especially for treating me like some sort of traitor when I came back. But I realized that none of it was his fault. It was Negan's. I may have grown to care about him, but I haven't forgotten what he's done.
'There was nothing you could have done', I assured Rick. 'At that point... It would have just started more shit.'
Rick nodded a little absent-mindedly. He never seemed to look me exactly in the eye.
'Still, I'm sorry things went down... the way they went down. I hope you'll change your mind about staying here...'
'I won't.'
'Well, then... You're always free to come back.'
'Thank you', I told him earnestly. I may have had my doubts about Rick, but he's a good man. It wasn't his fault that everything went downhill just after he came to Alexandria.
I took a big sigh before I told them about my last request. I knew they wouldn't like it. They probably have all kinds of thoughts about it. But it doesn't really matter anymore what people here think about me. Because I'll be gone.
'Before we leave...' I started cautiously, mentally preparing myself to say it. 'I'd like to see... him.'
In the silence that followed, I could see Rick and Michonne throw each other a look. I wrapped my hands around my knee to keep from fidgeting. I didn't want to show them how badly I wanted them to say yes.
'Why?' Michonne asked me.
'To say goodbye', I shrugged.
'He doesn't deserve your kindness', Rick said, clearly agitated by the request.
'It's not for him', I told them. 'It's for me.'
In the end, they agreed. Just once and just shortly. So now I'm here, standing before his door. And I take a deep breath before I open it.
He's lying on the bed in a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. His arms are cuffed to the bed and his eyes are closed. I notice the large bandage wrapped around his neck. He would have certainly died if I hadn't been there. There's no way they could have brought him back to the Hilltop before he'd bled out.
I try to be quiet as I walk further into the room, thinking he might be sleeping. Do I wake him up? Or can it just be enough to look at him one last time? It might actually be easier this way.
But then he speaks.
'Aren't you people ever gonna leave me alone?' he asks gruffly, still keeping his eyes closed. I stand uncomfortably at the end of his bed. I really wanted to talk to him one last time before I left, but now that I'm here, I'm not sure what to say.
I'm just contemplating getting out of here after all, but then he opens his eyes. They turn quickly from annoyed to surprised and leaving is no longer an option because I'm burned to the spot.
'Christina', he says softly. Gently. Much like he's done before, only his voice sounds rougher now. He's lucky he can still speak at all. If Rick had cut any deeper, his vocal cords might have been ruined. Now that would have been a real punishment for this man that loves to talk.
'Yes', I say meekly. I take a step forward and rest my hands on the edge of the bed.
What do I say? How are you feeling? Thank you for letting me go? Kind of a dick-move to try and shoot at me? I miss you? I'm mad at you? Just... goodbye?
'What are you doing here?' he asks. He tries to sit up a little straighter, but the handcuffs make it impossible. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about seeing him. But I'm not entirely surprised that it hurts a little bit to see him like this.
'I'm leaving', I tell him bluntly. 'And I just wanted to see you one more time. To... say goodbye, I guess.'
'Leaving?' he asks. Then he clears his throat before he continues. Clearly, speaking isn't very easy for him right now. 'Where are you going?'
'Don't know yet', I shrug. 'We're gonna travel around for a bit.'
'You and Ella?'
'And Cal and B.'
He frowns as he looks at me and tries to move up again. Realizing again that it's no use, he plunges back onto the pillow frustratedly.
'Sounds dangerous.'
'Yeah, well...' I say. 'Word has it the most dangerous man in the area is currently incapacitated.'
Despite his situation, he chuckles slightly and shakes his head a little exasperatedly. Then he looks at me again.
'Why didn't you leave before? Like I told you.'
'We didn't want to leave everybody behind. We thought they needed our help.'
'And now you don't?' he asks, raising his eyebrow.
'Now we're... choosing ourselves. I think I've taken care of other people long enough.'
'Hm', he mumbles. 'Sounds like somebody gave you some solid advice.'
I laugh shortly and move tentatively over to the side of the bed. I feel an undeniable urge to touch him and since this will be my last opportunity, I take his hand into mine. I make sure to be careful, because it's wrapped in bandages. I heard his hand got pretty messed up when his gun backfired, courtesy to Eugene.
I don't look him in the eye because I can suddenly feel my throat closing up. None of this had to happen. If they could have found some sort of peaceful solution, who knows what would have happened? I was ready to be with him. If he would just give me freedom and let me travel between the Sanctuary and Alexandria.
How do I know you'll come back? he asked me.
I guess you'll have to trust me, I told him.
And I would have.
'I wish you would have taken my advice', I tell him. 'If you would have gone home like I asked you to, you wouldn't be here like this.'
'You shouldn't have been out there', he says, rubbing his thumb over my fingers. 'I could have killed you.'
'If I hadn't been out there, you would be dead right now.'
'I know', he sighs. 'You saved me.'
There's a certain tone of regret when he says that. His eyes seem a little distant when I finally look back at him. Would he have rather died there after all?
But before I can ask him, the door opens and Siddiq peeks his head around the corner. He told me Rick asked him to keep track of time and warn me.
'Uhm', he says, sounding a little awkward when his eyes land on our entwined hands. 'Two more minutes.'
Then he quickly shuts the door again. Whatever emotion I saw in Negan's eyes earlier is gone now. He used the distraction to pull himself together.
'Any chance you can cut me loose and take me with you?' he jokes. 'I could help out, out there. You know, I make a mean spaghetti.'
'Oh', I laugh, thinking back to that horribly tense dinner after Carl and Ella went after him. 'Trust me, I remember.'
'So', he asks with that familiar grin of his. 'What do you say? I bet you can sweettalk that nervous doctor into giving you the keys to these damn chains.'
'I'm sorry, Negan', I tell him with a slight smile on my lips. 'I'm afraid there's no room in the car. We need space for Ella's meds, you know.'
'I guess those are important', he sighs. He never actually thought I might take him with me. Even if I wanted to, we'd both be dead before we got out of this house if I tried.
'You gave her years with those meds', I say, fighting the tears again when I realize these are the very last moments. There's many things I could say to him. Many things I could blame him for or scold him for. And he would deserve it. But I'm sure everybody else will do that. I choose to take these moments to thank him.
'I'll never forget that. Thank you.'
'Christina', he says softly. For once, he doesn't manage to hold it all back. In his eyes, I can clearly that this goodbye is hurting him as well.
'You and that kid better be real fucking careful out there, okay? And don't take shit from anybody. You do whatever the fuck you want.'
I laugh and reach my hand up to wipe away a tear from the corner of my eye. I told myself I didn't want to cry before I came in here. But who was I kidding anyway?
'We will', I tell him.
Then there's a knock at the door indicating that my time is up. Before anyone comes in, I make a quick decision and lean over the bed to kiss him.
It's very short. Too short. But we've run out of time. I draw myself up again before the door opens and take a last look at him.
'Goodbye, Negan.'
I don't wait for him to answer, but hurry out the room before Siddiq can move in and order me out. But just before the door closes behind me, I hear his voice one more time.
'Goodbye, Christina.'
THE END
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A/N: To everybody that read the story, voted or commented, thank you so much! I really hope you enjoyed it and I would love to hear your thoughts 😊 And if you want more of Negan (don't we always?) you might want to check out my other story: Too Good to be Bad. Bye for now! ❤️