TW: Sexual content
'Wake up, Christina.'
The sound of Negan's voice barely registers. A second ago, I was still fast asleep. I'm not even sure if he was really talking to me or if I dreamed it. So I turn around, pull up the covers and try to get back to sleep.
But he puts his hand on my shoulder now and shakes me softly. I can't ignore him when he talks to me again.
'Come on, honey. Open your eyes.'
So I do. And I find him standing over me beside the bed. I blink against the light of the lantern he's holding. Other than that, it's still pitch-black.
'What time is it?' I ask him groggily.
'It's 3 in the morning.'
'3 in the morning?' I repeat, confused.
We went to bed early last night. Negan was exhausted after his fight with Simon and so was I after everything I've been through these last few days. So he took a long shower while I settled things at the doctor's office, then we had some dinner and after that we just layed down in bed. We didn't talk much. We didn't have sex. He just held me tightly until we fell asleep.
'Didn't you say you were a morning person?' he jokes.
'I definitively never said that', I moan, trying to get comfortable again. But this time, Negan grabs my covers and pulls them away.
When I sit up to scowl at him, I realize that he's already fully clothed. I don't understand what's going on. What does he want us to do in the middle of the night?
'What's going on?' I ask him nervously.
'I need you to get up and get dressed', he says, still keeping things mysterious.
'Why?'
'Just... trust me.'
I look at him in total puzzlement. Trust him? That's kind of been the problem lately, hasn't it? But there's something about him that makes me not want to argue. He's acting weird. Weirder than usual, I mean.
'Okay', I mumble.
Feeling nervous, I slide my legs off the side of the bed and get up. All the while, I can feel Negan's eyes on me, making me even more jittery. So I decide to just hurry up in slipping out of my pyjamas and into the same jeans and t-shirt that I wore yesterday.
When I sit down to put on my shoes, Negan walks over to his closet and returns with a hoody in his hands. I recognize it as the one I've worn before.
'Wear this too', he says, handing it to me. 'It's cold outside.'
'We're going outside?' I ask, still feeling competely in the dark.
He doesn't answer me because at that moment there's a soft knock on the door and he walks over to open it. A Saviour stands before it, holding a large duffel bag.
'Sweeped the room, sir', he says, handing Negan the bag. 'This is everything.'
'Thank you, Wes', he says, slinging the bag over his shoulder. 'Is the car ready?'
'Yes, sir.'
Negan nods to dismiss him and makes his way back to me while the Saviour walks away. Now wearing my shoes and Negan's sweater, I get up from the bed and cross my arms to hide my anxiety.
'You ready?' Negan asks me.
Ready for what?
'I guess', I say unsurely. 'Where are we going?'
Rather than answering me, he lets his eyes glide over me. Not in an inappropriate way, like he's done before, more like he wants to take everything in and remember it.
'I'll tell you in the car.'
Then he turns around and starts to walk. It takes me a second to come to my senses and follow him, so I have to take a little sprint to catch up.
We walk in silence through the hallway. We walk past my office, then the room I shared with Ella... I notice the door is ajar, though I'm sure I left it closed. Why do I have a funny feeling I won't be seeing these places again?
I want to ask him more, but I don't dare to. So neither of us say a word until we've made our way outside, to the grounds around the Sanctuary. There's a car parked in front of the gate. I assume it's waiting for us.
But just before we reach it, Negan stops in his tracks and looks up at the sky.
'Beautiful night, isn't it?' he says, completely out of the blue.
I follow his gaze and look at the stars. They're so much brighter ever since society collapsed and the sky is no longer polluted by artificial light.
'Yeah', I say, though I'm not sure why we're looking at the stars right now. 'It is.'
I look back down when I see Negan turning around to look at me. He slowly makes his way over and smiles at me while he brushes my cheek with his hand.
'You are beautiful in the moonlight', he says.
I really don't understand what's happening. Negan doesn't talk like this. So all I can do is laugh nervously and blush. He laughs too and pulls me forward to kiss me on my forehead. I do like those kisses. But I'm a little scared about what's next because this is so strange.
'Alright', he says a little brusquely, creating some more space between us again. 'Get your ass in the car.'
Demurely, I do as he says and wait for him to enter the car too. He takes a little longer because he stops to throw the bag into the back first. But then he's next to me and I look at him curiously.
'What is this, Negan?'
He sighs and looks at me like he isn't really ready to answer that question. But then he looks at the road and puts his hands on the wheel while a Saviour on guard-duty opens the gate.
'This is goodbye.'
Then he hits the gas.
---
A parked car looms in the distance. That means we're almost there. I bite my lip when I turn to look at Negan. His eyes are focused on the road. I'm not sure how he feels right now.
I'm not even sure how I feel. This is what I wanted. I wanted him to let me go, get back to Ella. But now that we're here, I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye.
He told me everything on the car ride. It's been about an hour, so we've had some time to talk.
'You're gonna go to the Hilltop', he told me. 'To find your sister. I had my guys park a car up the road, that's how far I'm taking you. Then I'm driving back and you're... free to go.'
I stared at him in stunned silence. After he had me kidnapped to the Sanctuary... after he had me dragged back there when I tried to run... after telling me again and again not to leave... he's just letting me go?
'Why?' I asked, astonished. He looked at me for a moment and smiled.
'It's what you wanted, right?' he asked. 'You said you'd never be happy without your sister. So... be with your sister.'
'Just like that?' I asked him skeptically.
'You were right from the start, doc', he said, just a bit of sadness shining through in his voice. 'I don't own you.'
All I could do was stare at the dark road in a sort of shock. After everything, for it to all be over so suddenly... So easily... I just couldn't believe it.
'Here's the deal', Negan continued. 'The war's not over. I will attack and I'll attack soon. If you decide to stay at the Hilltop... I can't guarantee your safety. You could take Ella and leave, my people won't bother you wherever you choose to go. You could also...' he shoots me a quick glance before he looks back at the road, 'come back to the Sanctuary together. You're always welcome.'
I looked at the profile of his handsome face. Every moment with him has been a roller-coaster. The highs were high and the lows were low. Half the time I was fighting my feelings for him. Half the time I wasn't sure about his feelings for me. But looking at him now...
Is there any way you could be happy here with me?
Maybe there could have been. Just not without her.
'Whatever you want to do', he continued, looking at me again. 'It's up to you.'
Unexpected tears made their way to my eyes, so I tried to swallow them away. He noticed anyway.
'Thank you, Negan.'
We talked it all over some more. He gave me a map so I could find my way to the Hilltop and told me he had that Saviour pack my stuff into the duffel bag. Then he shocked me even more when he told me all the meds in his possession that Ella needs are in the back of the car as well. I threw my arms around him even though he was driving, making the car swerve for a moment. There was only so much we could take in the backpacks when we tried to escape. Now, we'll have enough for years to come.
When we had talked it all over, we talked some more. He wouldn't tell me anything about his plans for the war. Just that he hoped I'd choose to leave so I wouldn't get hurt. So we talked about other stuff. Stupid stuff. Nice stuff. The good moments we had together.
And now we're here. Negan brings the car to a halt but makes no move to get out yet. Then he talks to me without looking at me.
'You need to be careful. My guys have been instructed not to harm you, but Rick will have people out there too and they might not recognize you right away. And even at the best of times, the roads are dangerous at night... I wish I could take you further, but I can't get too close to the Hilltop.'
'Of course', I say. 'I understand. Thank you for taking me this far.'
He drums his fingers on the steering wheel, but other than that there is silence on the car. Neither of us knows exactly what to say. It's strange to leave him. Of course, it's what I wanted the moment he had me dragged me to the Sanctuary. But that seems so long ago. Nothing is the same now.
'Are you good to drive with that injured arm?' he asks.
'Yes', I say, feeling a little breathless. The arm still hurts and rest would be preferable. But that's a luxury none of us have at the moment. 'I think I'll manage.'
'Good', he nods, a little reluctantly. 'I guess it's time for me to go, then.'
When he looks at me, my heart stops. I don't want him to leave. It's crazy, but I want to be in his arms. I want him to hold me, I want him to kiss me. I want to be with him.
'Negan...' I say softly. Then I kiss him. He reaches out to me to hold me while he kisses me back. It's not enough. I want to feel his body against mine. So I climb over to his seat and he quickly sets the chair back to make room for me.
In the intensity of our kiss, we can feel that this is the last time. The last time we get to touch each other, get entirely lost in each other. I run my fingers roughly through his hair and he does the same to me. Our hands are everywhere, taking in every little bit of each other's bodies so we won't forget it.
Then his fingers find the zipper of the hoody and he pulls it off of me with rough motions. I help him out of his jacket too. Then his shirt. Then my shirt and my bra. It isn't very comfortable in the car, but there's a sort of desperation in the way we devour each other that makes it all go smoothly even in the tight confinements that we're in. Taking off our jeans and underwear is a little more of a struggle, but somehow we manage and soon he's inside of me.
He holds me tightly while I move my body up and down, a wave of pleasure flowing through me every time I feel him fill me up. I can feel his lips on my neck, then on my breast, then on my shoulder and soon I can't even tell what's happening anymore, everything blurring into one big, intrnse explosion of ecstasy.
When we're done, I let myself sink down onto his lap and lie panting against his shoulder.
'I'll miss you', I whisper. I'm not sure when I started crying, but I notice now that tears are running down my cheeks.
'Oh, baby...' Negan responds. He brushes the tears away and holds me for a while.
But then it's time to go. We gather our clothes and get dressed in silence. And when there's nothing more to do or say, we stand beside the car each other, not really sure how to say goodbye.
'I wish you and Rick could make peace', I tell him, though I know it's no use.
'That's not going to happen', he says, like I thought he would.
'Just be careful, okay?' I ask him. 'Remember, you're fresh out of doctors. Though Myeong can probably handle it. Can you tell her that I'm sorry? For... leaving her behind, I guess? And Tom too? He's a good kid.'
I never got to say goodbye to them. I hadn't known them for long, but we were a team together. Strange to think I won't see them again.
'I will', Negan chuckles. 'And just remember, you can always come back.'
I smile at him, but don't say anything. I think we both know that that's not going to happen. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. Maybe he wonders the same thing.
'Goodbye, Christina', he says. He takes me into his arms and kisses me one more time. When it's over and he draws away, I only catch a short glimpse of his eyes before he turns around and walks to the other car without another word.
I watch the lights turn on and listen to the sounds of the car starting up. He looks up one more time before he hits the gas. Then he's gone.
'Goodbye, Negan.'