Cole Walker's POV
They say that time flies or goes by in a blur, but that's not entirely true. The rest of my final year of secondary school did in fact not go by in a blur, not when I had a final examination piece to work on, tutoring and one pissed mom to appease. Time doesn't pass by any faster and it definitely does not fly, but what actually happens is that looking back we forget all those tedious hours and classes we spent staring at the clock on the back wall.
On our graduation day, there was no huge ceremony. We didn't throw hats or choose valedictorians, but just had a brief good-luck-and-so-long speech from our teacher and then patted our classmates on the backs promising we would keep in contact. I knew myself well enough to know that the only people I'd ever see again were X, Declan, Wilder and Noah.
"I'm going to kill you dead if you don't take the time to come see me before you leave." Declan declared, theatrically wiping his eyes into the sleeve of his green polo shirt.
It was just him and I for once, as X had hurried home to get ready for our little graduation dinner thing and Wilder had dragged Noah to talk with his parents. There was no sign of Theo, but I don't think that surprises anyone.
"I feel like I've heard this before." I pointed out, pulling Declan into a one handed hug. Then I ruffled his gelled hair, just because I knew how much he hated it. Yeah, yeah, I'm a terrible friend and all that. Predictably, Declan groaned and patted my hand away.
"I mean it." He insisted.
"I know, and I will, don't worry." I promised, then glanced at where Wilder and Noah stood. Wilder's parents were wearing well kept but old-fashioned clothes, his mom's dress ill-fitting on her bony build. She had a freckled face, while their father sported a bushy pair of eyebrows. "What about you and Wilder? Are you going to keep in touch?"
"Yeah, sure." Declan hummed, sending a quick smile towards Wilder. Then he sighed, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his beige khaki pants. "Just not maybe as.. you know. More than friends. I know he's ace, but I don't think he's aromatic, so I guess.. but also, probably not."
"I'm not going to pretend I know what half of that means." I nudged Declan's shoulder, in an attempt to cheer him up. Declan chuckled and flashed me a grateful grin.
"I never want to lose him, he's a good friend." Declan shrugged, then slung an arm around my lower back and started pulling me towards his car. "But enough about that, your boyfriend and fam are waiting."
"Who would have guessed that you were ever going to say that about Wilder?" I told Declan, earning another grin from him. He didn't say anything, but just opened his car with the remote control. When I sat down, I thought out loud: "Times change."
"Oh, that they do." Declan agreed, taking the driver's seat. He didn't start the engine, but stared at the now smaller figures of Wilder, his family and Noah from the distance. "We were both pretty fucked up before, weren't we? All that posturing and thinking that everyone was hating on us.."
"That and thinking that everyone is a bully or a homophobe.." I joined in, shaking my head.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking since the accident and this whole mess with Wilder, and.. this is going to sound so stupid, but I think I just needed something to put the blame on, because otherwise I would have been the one that's full of shit." Declan let out a small laugh, but still kept his eyes on Wilder and away from me.
"You're not full of shit." I was quick to say. I was used to hearing about his guy troubles, the ones before Wilder, and how he felt like he didn't fit into our school, but this was a whole new level of honesty. Was he high? On our graduation day? I mean.. probably.
"Hah, let's just face it, I was so full of shit." Declan huffed. "And anyway, I thought it helped, but instead I just felt like everyone else was full of shit too. It was so exhausting."
"Yeah, tell me about it." I had to agree. While Declan drove us, I thought about how much truth laid in his words.
Ever since I found out about Cody's bullying, I was willing to blame anyone just to keep my own guilt at bay. I was so angry at mom, at everyone, at the whole goddamn world — and it was exhausting. What's worse, it didn't even take away the guilt, I just got more depressed by trying to suppress it. I couldn't move on, and I needed a push to get me out of that dark place.
In other words, X's absurd bet was exactly what I needed in order to start fixing the mess I had made of my life. I had to start by seeing that not everyone was a narrow minded bully, so that I could even begin to tangle what was really bothering me. A big part of it was, and is, mom, as you might guess. She and I are better.. somewhat. We still fight.
When I told her I was going to go on a road trip with X instead of going straight to a university like Cody and Chloe had done.. Well, let's just say she wasn't thrilled. She shouted at me, like I knew she would, and I shouted back at her, because, hello, I'm not perfect. I slammed my door at her face and blasted music, until she came to apologize and we actually had a decent conversation about it.
"Good luck." Declan wished me as he parked the car.
"I'm not gonna need it." I promised, getting up and practically sprinting to the restaurant's open door. Sprinting, because I can do that now. My legs are scarred, but healed. I sometimes take walking and running for granted these days, because I no longer constantly remember what it was like not to.
As I said, I'm not perfect. I blame people over petty things, I get mad and slam doors, I don't always remember how lucky I am just to walk on this earth and I say a lot of stupid shit on a daily basis. I am as imperfect as they come, and so is everyone else. Trying to argue otherwise would be a waste of everyone's time.
"Hi, honey, I'm so proud of you." Mom squeezed me into a perfume scented hug as soon as I joined our group inside the restaurant. Speaking of imperfect, she was and would always remain that way. It made me sad at times, to know that we didn't have the kind of mom we would have needed growing up, but otherwise I was just determined to better the relationship I had with the mom we had.
"You better be." I joked just as X and his family entered the restaurant.
I was surprised to see Kari with them, as she had been hellbent on keeping her children's identity a secret. The pizzeria had no other customers at that moment, though, so that had to have something to do with it. Whatever the reason, Stanley, X and Maddie all looked over the moon over it, grinning and beaming.
"There will be no drunk driving." Was the first thing Kari said to me, as she pulled me into a hug next. She was taller than me and her perfume smelled of roses and citruses, making me think of summer. "And if he ever starts to nod off, you'll drag him into a motel. I don't want anything bad to happen to either of you."
"I'll keep him in line and we'll be careful, I promise." I swore, and only then did she part from the embrace.
"Oh, and congratulations for your graduation." Kari said then, letting out a rather girlish giggle, as if feeling bad for having forgotten her manners.
While mom maneuvered her way with the Bélizaire's like a polished ideal of a mother, I took my seat at the table in between X and Cody. I was just about to say hi to Cody, when Maddie stole my attention. She had practically climbed over X, elbowing away his protests and scowls, to get her moment with me. It was adorable, really, her looking up to someone like me.
"Will you promise to come play with us sometime? Even when you go to university?" Maddie pleaded, her brown eyes wide and hopeful. I gave her a nod and a roll of my eyes to show her how obvious my answer was. It made her giggle, just like mom had a moment ago.
"Should I make a promise to you too?" I asked Stanley, who looked puzzled until he spotted the grin on my lips. "As it seems to be the making-promises-to-Bélizaires sort of day and all that."
"You should make one for me too." X joined in, and as I told him I had already made plenty of those for him, everyone laughed. Even X's mom, who was known for her solemnity.
I liked how easy it was to bring our families together, and how we could all be there in our own ways. Dad was quiet, until Stanley made the mistake of asking him what was his favorite book, which was followed by a lengthy story about some old space fact edition. Luckily, they both seemed to go into a professor mode and they droned on about books and space for the rest of the dinner.
"I know you're not big on presents, but here." Chloe dropped a tiny packet on my lap before I could object. Not that I was going to, because I wasn't so much against presents as I was against celebrating my birthdays, and it surely wasn't my birthday that day.
"What am I going to do with these?" I asked, frowning at the stack of postage stamps. I had never in my life sent a postcard, and I wasn't planning on doing so in the future either.
"You are sending a card to me from every stop you make. I don't want any generic landscape stuff, but something that is telling a story." Chloe explained, so excited that her cheeks turned into a rosy color and her eyes shone behind her glasses.
"That sounds like a lot of work." I pointed out, groaning. "Is this present actually for me or for yourself?"
"It can be both." Chloe decided, tilting up her chin in defiance. "It will be fun for you too, believe me."
"Okay, fine." I agreed, smiling.
I would take this deal and her excitement over the initial worry everyone in my family had for the idea of a road trip. Not just mom had tried to talk me out of it, dreading that I could get into another accident and not be so lucky this time. I couldn't really blame them, but I wasn't going to change my mind about the road trip either. I needed it, and I was so excited to go that I could barely sit still.
"Promise?" Chloe asked, the corners of her mouth quirking upwards. I groaned again, gaining a burst of loud laughter from our dinner companions.
"I don't need postcards, but you'll surely have time for a text here and there." Cody murmured. He was fiddling with his rings, the ones he always toyed with when he was nervous, but that was the only sign of unease in him.
I couldn't tell if Cody was ever going to be all recovered and over with the bullying, but he has gone a long way in these three or something years. Each of us have, including me. We all still have our sore points and sometimes they rub together in all the wrong ways, but at least we aren't a bunch of high voltage spindles ready to collide. I guess that means we're moving on, and that there's hope for all of us to get over the shared trauma.
Bullying doesn't just affect the bullied, but also the people around them. The ones who feel hopeless in the face of their loved one's suffering, the ones who couldn't do anything to stop it. The ones that are part of cleaning the mess it leaves behind, the ones who will carry guilt in their bones for the rest of their lives because they weren't there to help. Bullying leaves scars, deep to the bone scars, and it isn't something to play around with.
"I promise." I told Cody, leaning back on my chair and taking all the space just for my imperfect, at times annoying self. I had a lot of promises to keep, during and after our road trip. But all in its time, as there were more important matters at hand: "So, who's up for dessert?"
****
Question of the day:
What are you looking forward to?
(Me: I'm travelling to Sweden soon, so that and this one metal music festival.)