The rain on the windowsill hit hard is it came down with each drop. I've been sitting here for hours crying on again off again for hours throughout the night.
These past few months had been so emotional for me and my world just crumbled. When I first met Monster I fell in love immediately. He was so different. Sweet and charming. He didn't try to fuck me or anything he genuinely wanted to be my friend. He showed me the love that I really needed. I didn't have nobody! I desperately wanted to be love and feel love. I was desperate for someone. He came in and wined and dined me with love, loyalty, generosity, and care! He helped heal me in so many ways he'd never know! From the moment he learned I was pregnant he was the best of the best fatherly figured there was to my child. He loved my child so unconditionally. He really wanted to be his father. He adopted him as his own child. Our marriage wasn't perfect at first we had a few bumps in the road and I can admit that. We went through a lot while dealing with Micah and Halo. And after we lost the children things changed so fast. Things changed drastically. I was so depressed I made myself so sick. All I could think about was dying. Killing myself played in my head every single day. Then god placed Amaris in my life. And shortly after Azaria. I finally began to find purpose again but by that time... Monster was too far gone. I never imagined us drifting from each other the way we did. I thought we would just take some time apart and eventually get back together. I thought we had ample time to work on us. To relearn each other, to relearn to love each other, to see why we fell in love in the first place. That the three of our children needed us. That despite of all the arguments and fights that we still loved each other. But than came Kelly....she was everything that he wanted in a woman. From the way she looked to the way she carried herself. She was his complete type and I wasn't! I couldn't compete with her. The way he looked at her and the way he spoke about her he never did for me. Maybe we was just suppose to be friends and that was it but we went to far. He loved her, she complimented him well. I didn't! So I didn't fight for him at all. I knew it was over for us. I figured I just push him and all the love I had for him completely to the back of my mind. I just wanted to focus and pour into my children. They needed me. I had to get myself and my mind right! I just wanted to be the best me I could be for them. I focused on myself. I focused on what I moved to New York to do and be. Nothing else mattered but myself and my three children.
All those times he begged me to take him back or brought it up over this past year just makes me wonder why? Why wait so long to say something? Why wait until you was engaged and married to say you love me and wanna be with me! You had 6 years to try and get me back but he just let me go. But waited until it was literally too late. When I seen how bad I hurted him I thought that I won! He finally felt the way I've been feeling. He finally felt the way I felt when he left me. He finally felt how I felt when I was begging him to come home nights at a time. And to find out he has fathered another child that isn't mine. He's been cheating on me with 4 women the man that I knew and fell in love with was not the same person.
This man was a complete different person! And after sitting here for hours reflecting on everything I know what I have to do.
I got up from the couch and felt a trickle down my leg. This baby couldn't come at a worse time than this. My water broke!