I was expecting worse punishment. But Negan doesn't come to see me again. And neither does anybody else. They just let me sit here in this cell for a full day and night. Then a Savior comes to pick me up.
Don't get me wrong, it was horrible. My shoulder hurts terribly after being in a wrong position for so long. Since there was nobody to take me to a toilet, I peed myself, which is never exactly a fun experience. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. And all I could do spending hours on my own in the dark, was worry.
Mostly, I worried about Ella. I hate being apart from her and having no idea whether she's alright or not. It's good to know that Negan's men didn't catch her, but there are many more dangers lurking in the woods. I keep replaying the moment they caught me after I fell down that slope. The desperation in her voice when she called out to me keeps breaking my heart over and over. I just hope she's okay. I have to believe that she is, or I'll lose my mind. And I have to believe that somehow, I'll find her again. Because I can't do this without her.
I worry about Alexandria too. Yes, I was angry at Rick and everybody else for risking my life like they did to get Negan. But the thought of Alexandria being destroyed brings me to tears. What happened to the people? Negan wouldn't answer me when I asked him if he killed everybody. He couldn't have, could he? But if he really burned it to the ground, there must have been casualties... I wonder what this means for the war that's going on. Did Negan win? Is there anyone left for him to rule over? Is the Hilltop even safe or did Ella walk right into an even more dangerous place? I wish I knew more. But there's no-one here to tell me anything.
I kept thinking about Negan too. It seems almost surreal now that just a few days ago I felt such comfort in his arms. He made me feel so safe. So good. When I slept with him, that was the best I'd felt in years. But when he came to see me yesterday, he made me feel so afraid again. Every warmth was gone from him. He seemed to enjoy scaring the shit out of me. Though sometimes, even in his anger, there seemed to be a flicker of something else. A tiny twinge of regret, maybe even pity. But clearly, it was not enough for him to be merciful. I wonder what it will be like when I have to talk to him again. It had become easy. Even enjoyable. It will never be that way again.
The Savior takes me back to our room. That's surprising. I wasn't expecting the comfort of our room back after what I did.
Our room. Not anymore, I suppose. It's just me now. In all probability, Ella will never set foot in this room again. Which is what we wanted. Only I wasn't supposed to either.
The thought brings tears right back to my eyes. I try to stifle my sobs as the Savior finally unties my hands. But he notices anyway.
'Quit your crying, doc', he says, showing no empathy for my sorrows. 'It's time to take a shower, get dressed and get back to work.'
'Back to work?' I ask dazedly, rubbing the sore skin of my wrists now I can finally move my arms again. Negan did say that I would have to work for him again. But did he really expect me to just get back to work like nothing has changed after everything?
'You heard me.'
I take a few steps to put some distance between us. Then I turn around to face him.
'You can tell Negan I don't work for him anymore.'
The Savior throws me an annoyed look and sighs like he was already expecting, and dreading, this response.
'Negan said he warned you not to cause any trouble', he says, taking on a somewhat condescending tone. 'The big man's got enough on his mind, so be a good girl and do as you're fucking told.'
'What's he got on his mind?' I ask bitterly. 'He said he burned Alexandria to the ground, should be the end of his troubles, shouldn't it?'
I'm hoping to find out a little bit more about where the war stands at this point. And if anyone from Alexandria is even still alive. But the Savior doesn't fall for it.
'Take a damn shower. Get dressed. Meet me by the door. And do all of this within half an hour or we're gonna have a problem.'
'But-'
'Your choice, doc. You can get into the shower yourself or I can hose you down, which do you prefer?'
Reluctantly, I relent. It's not like I don't want to take a shower anyway. I'm dying to get out of these urine-drenched jeans. I just don't want to do what Negan tells me anymore.
But I suppose it's a matter of picking my battles. So I make my way obediently into the bathroom which is enough for the Savior to step outside and take up position in front of my room.
Letting the water run over me, it hits me again that I am entirely without a plan of any kind. Even after going through all possible outcomes before we left for our escape, it honestly hadn't occurred to me that Ella and I might be separated. I imagined us both making it to the Hilltop. I imagined us both getting dragged back to the Sanctuary. I even feared the worst, that we might both end up dead. But this didn't cross my mind. Because I never would have let her out of my sight if it wasn't for that damn slope.
I need to find a way to get back to her. But Negan will never let me escape again. Even if I somehow manage to get back into his good graces, he'll never completely trust me anymore. So what's the point? I'm done buttering up to him. My only hope left is that the others will defeat him. But after hearing that Alexandria got destroyed, I doubt there's any possibility of that. I've no idea where anybody stands at this point.
So in the end, I decide to just go along with it for now. If Negan wants me to go back to work, I'll go back to work. It beats sitting in that dark hole by myself and maybe I'll be able to find out what's going on.
But when the Savior walks me to the doctor's office, I feel ridiculous. Am I really just going to go back to work like nothing happened? Like I didn't just abandon everyone and ran away? Like I didn't just lose my sister, leaving me all alone?
It's clear from the start how Myeong feels about my actions. She takes one look at me when I walk in, but doesn't talk to me at all unless it's absolutely necessary. At least Tom's a little better. He helps me put on a sling, so my shoulder can finally start to heal properly. And he seems to feel bad for me, but doesn't quite know what to say so he's mostly quiet as well.
I have no real desire to have conversation with anyone myself. I only ask him about what happened at Alexandria but to my frustration he tells me that Negan forbid him to tell me about it. I'm sure the others have been instructed the same, because everybody, including the patients, is a little distant with me. Of course they might also just be a pissed that I basically abandoned them.
I still hear snippets here and there. And all of them make me fear the worst. I hear they bombed the place. I hear that Carl addressed Negan but told him they would not give in. I hear again and again that there's nothing left of Alexandria. But I don't find out anything about which lives were lost until he comes to see me.
I freeze in my movements when I hear Negan's voice coming from the door. I'm in the doctor's office working on a patient. Tom and my guard are there as well, while Myeong's busy in the infirmary downstairs. When he speaks, his tone is demanding.
'I need everyone except for the doctor to leave the room.'
Tom, my guard, even the guy whose wound I was only halfway through checking, all get up to leave right away. I don't know what to do. After the way he treated me yesterday, I'm afraid to even look at him. The way he pushed me against the wall. How he held my throat. Intentionally hurt my injured shoulder... I wonder if he's here for more.
I must take me too long to acknowledge him, because I can hear him take a few steps into the room and then he talks to me.
'Have you forgotten the rules already?' he asks in a low voice. 'On your knees, Christina.'
I can't help it. I don't want to give in and roll over anymore. He makes me so furious. I twirl around and face him with fury in my eyes.
'Why don't you make me again?'
When he gives me a threatening look and takes a step in my direction, I'm already regretting my words. But then his eyes slide over to the sling across my arm and he seems to soften up a little. He doesn't approach me all the way but sighs and leans against a counter. Then he says something entirely unexpected.
'Carl's dead.'
What? It's like shards of ice pierce straight through my heart. After what I heard, I had expected that people had died. But to hear it so bluntly... I can hardly believe it. Carl can't be dead. I saved him after he got shot in the head. The kid's indestructible!
'Are you serious?' I ask him softly.
'Of course I'm fucking serious.'
The first thing I want to do is run to Ella. He was one of her best friends. But I can't. She's not here. What if she hears about this at the Hilltop? She'll be devastated. Poor Carl. Poor Rick. My God, he'll never recover. If he's still alive, that is.
I feel a surge of fury towards Negan. Carl must have died on the attack. Another life lost at his hands. But when I look at him to scold him for it, something in his face makes me catch myself. His eyes are turned to the ground, but still, I can see the desolation. He looks upset. And I wonder if he feels guilty or that it's something else.
'What happened?' I ask, keeping the accusation out of the question.
'Apparently he tried to help a stranger. The kid got bit. Can you fucking believe it?'
Bit? By a walker? After all this time? No, I can hardly believe it. Carl knows how to take care of himself. How could this happen?
'Negan', I say cautiously, moving closer to him. 'I don't understand. Please, tell me what happened at Alexandria. What stranger? How did he get bit? Did anybody else die? Was it... was this your fault?'
'It wasn't my fault', he spits, his eyes flaring up to look at me. 'It didn't happen at Alexandria. It happened before. That kid knew he was gonna die, but he faced me and he tricked me and he got everybody out of that place.'
'He got everybody out?' I ask, a spark of hope lifting up my heart. I am horrified to find out about Carl. But I am relieved that there are survivors.
Negan runs a hand over his beard and looks away from me. An expression on his face that tells me that he told me too much. He was going to keep me in the dark. It's unlike him to slip up.
'Are you...' I start uncertainly. 'Are you upset by this? By Carl's death?'
He looks back at me with a frown on his face. Then he suddenly pushes himself off the counter and walks toward me.
'That kid didn't have to die. This is on Rick. He got his son killed. If he would have just surrendered... If everybody would just do what they're told...'
My heart rate picks up when he gets close to me. His anger yesterday is still clear in my mind. I take a step back and brace myself a little without even thinking about it. Negan notices and stops in his tracks. Am I crazy or does he look a little hurt? What did he expect after yesterday?
Then he reaches out to me. I flinch when he puts his hand on my good shoulder, but I don't dare to get away. I guess he takes it as encouragement, because he closes the distance between us and moves his hand up to my neck.
Not in a threatening way this time. His eyes are sorrowful when he looks at me and he runs his thumb over my jaw in a caressing motion. But it doesn't give me the comfort it used to. I feel like he could snap any moment and that hand could be back around my throat in a second.
'I didn't want to hurt you, Christina', he says gently. 'But when you break my rules... When you defy me, there have to be consequences. You understand that, don't you?'
So it's my fault that he hurt me? That he grabbed my shoulder that got injured because of him and forced me to the ground? I just want to push him away. Claw at his face and scream at him.
But the way he's acting right now is unexpected. Like he wants to get back into my favor. I was expecting that if I every wanted to get close with him again, it would have been me that had to do all the work. Every inch of my body protests, but rationally I know that if I ever want to get anywhere, my best option is to be in Negan's good graces.
So I nod. I can't get myself to say it. I do understand. I understand that he wants to be a Savior and a Savior doesn't go around hurting people that don't deserve it. So it has to be my fault.
I'm glad it's enough for him. Because he smiles at me. A smile of relief. God, what's wrong with him? Does he really think that I understand that he had to hurt me? Why does it even mean so much to him? I thought that he would continue to be furious at me, or in the best case be indifferent. This is something else.
'So please', he says, looking at me intently. 'Don't try anything anymore. I don't want to have to hurt you again.'
'Okay', I say with my breath in my throat. 'I... I'm sorry.'
I can hardly get the words off my tongue, but I feel like he desperately wants to hear it. Of course I shouted it at him yesterday, but I manage to make it sound more sincere this time.
'I forgive you', he says, smiling at me.
My God! He pisses me off. He forgives me? For what? For trying to gain my freedom back? For breaking his rules after he nearly got me killed? It takes a lot of effort to bite back my words. But somehow, I manage.
'Thank you.'
Relief shines through on his face. But when he leans in closer to kiss me, my entire body turns alert and I look away to dodge him. When he draws back, the disappointment is clear in his eyes.
'I...' I mutter. I know he doesn't take too well to rejection. But after everything that happened, I can't stand the thought of his lips on mine.
'I need some time', I mumble cautiously.
Fortunately, he nods. His hand is still on my neck, which is agonizing enough, but he doesn't push to kiss me.
'I understand', he says. 'I wish we could go back to how we were, but you take all the time you need.'
I nod at him and manage a smile. I want to tell him not to hold his breath, but I don't think that would go over very well. But then he puts his other hand on my waist and my body tenses up again.
'Can I just hug you?'
He sounds more vulnerable than ever when he asks me that. Not sure what else I could do, I nod. Though I don't do it with much enthusiasm, Negan wastes no time to take his chance and pulls me against him.
I don't understand. He was terrifying yesterday, but at least I could understand his fury. I had expected it. The last thing I had expected was for him to forgive me. To want to be close to me again.
But with my head pressed against his chest, I can feel him breathe just a little harder. Hear his heart beat a little faster. He is upset. And he doesn't have anybody to comfort him.
He needs somebody.
He needs me.