28th September
The following Thursday, it felt as if I had no energy. It was as if I didn't even have the energy to get out of bed to even just puke.
And that was a stretch.
It all started when I had woken up.
No energy, no sleep deprivation.
Just numbness.
It wasn't even as if I hadn't tried to move to get food, because I had. And it was a failure at that.
I fell out of bed.
It took me five minutes to work up the energy to speak, and another five to move my arms and hands.
I had to wait twenty minutes until Jameson realised I wasn't in bed for him to lift me back in, give me my glasses, and go grab breakfast.
When he did eventually come back, I let out a sigh of content at the toast that had been sat in front of me.
"Thank you," I said as I turned to Jameson, toast already halfway in my mouth.
"You're welcome," Jameson said as he kissed me on the forehead, "Do you want to do anything today?"
"Currently, half my body feels numb, so no, not right now," I say as I continue to chomp down on my toast.
"That's okay. I love you," Jameson says as he gets out of bed again and starts to get ready for the day. I smile at him before replying.
"I love you too," I say.
So, somehow, I got from a nice happy moment with my boyfriend, to feeling numb in my bed.
And when I say numb, I now mean mentally numb.
At my last therapy session, I had discussed with Dr Matthew how I had had these numb episodes lately, and what he had said was how I had suffered a trauma. So, from that trauma, there were side effects.
Like feeling mentally numb.
Or wanting the world to just end.
And it wasn't, and will never be, a great feeling, because, at those times, I had no control over my body.
It was horrible.
So now, while I lie in bed, questioning the reasoning of why I should be here, and the reasons for life, I felt my brain just shut itself down to the outside world and it fade into lands of the voices and the horrors of my head.
Worthless.
Failure.
Screw-up.
Whore.
That was what they all said until a new sentence arose from the mixture.
'The next few months will bring you great pain, unlike no other you've had before.'
The problem with this sentence now though, was that I was so deep in my thoughts now, I didn't even notice the small tear that ran down my cheek as I listened to what all the voices had to say.
The mantra of words continued as I continued to push myself deeper and deeper into my memories of when I screwed up, or when I was a failure.
When I was worthless.
If I'd had the effort, I would've walked and grabbed my Xanax pills and taken a bunch and chug some water.
I rethought that though, realising about the life growing inside me, that I forgot was there until my urge to puke again came back as quietly, in the distance, someone entered my room.
I hadn't heard, or seen the person, too deep in my thoughts to care until Alice came into my line of view.
I let out a yelp when I saw her, clearly not having heard her when she walked in.
Alice flinched back as I scrambled about with the duvet from when I yelped.
"Why'd you yell?" Alice asked as she walked back over to my bed after I got settled again.
"I just got lost in my head and didn't hear you come in," I tell her with a dead serious-looking face on.
"So why were you crying then?" Alice then asks while I wipe my cheeks, feeling the dampness from the few spilt tears.
"Same reason," I say while huffing and sitting back down against the cushions.
"Come on, tell me," Alice says while I sigh and think about it before soon replying.
"Nope."
"Oh, come on!" Alice then retorts as she stands straight up before slowly sitting back down again.
"It's my private life Alice, and I'm going through a time at the moment where I can't control my hormones at the best of times. The death of my own Dad doesn't exactly help my situation," I say as I slowly sink deeper and deeper into the sheets.
"Alright," Alice says before wandering back out of my room.
I sigh, thinking that if she wasn't just here, I would've walked all the way to the bathroom and killed myself.
So, I just continue to lay there, brooding over everything and what's happened over the last few weeks, not realising again that someone had entered my room while I stared off into space.
"You okay?" Xander asked, breaking the silence, and getting me out of my current state.
I flinched before replying.
"Yeah," I say unconvincingly.
"No, you're not. I heard you yelp when Alice walked in, and then she left with a slightly downtrodden look on her face. You two are never like that unless something's up," Xander says as I slowly look over at him, "See, the look on your face is clearly saying something."
"How'd you know?" I asked quietly.
"There are tears marks on your face, you look like you haven't eaten today, even though I know you have from what Jameson stole from the kitchen this morning to bring up here to you, and then by the hollow look you have on your face," He says as my face slowly contorts to a look of deep thought when thinking about how I probably looked.
"You got me," I say, my voice almost in a whisper, trying to keep my eyes open with all my strength.
"I know. If you want to know, Jameson's down in his studio in the town doing a commission he got last week," Xander says as he walks around the bed, and sits on the other side.
"Thank you," I whisper, sticking my glasses up into my hair.
"For what?" Xander asks.
"For just being here, and knowing me. Knowing what makes me tick, or what keeps me going," I say as I lay my head on Xander's shoulder, tired from the mental energy I had already used today.
"You don't need to say that, y'know. It's just all a part of my job description as best friend," Xander says, while he wraps his arm around me, letting me get comfortable in the quiet space.
I chuckle, knowing that I would do the same if Xander was ever in the same situation.
"Good to know," I say, my voice getting slightly louder again as I get more comfortable again.
I felt Xander's body move as if he was laughing as I heard his hearty laugh from my comment.
We sat there in silence after that, my body finally getting the rest it needed instead of constant insomnia that kept me awake at night.
Slowly I felt sleep take over me, for the first time in a while which meant that for once, the foetus inside of me could get some sort of weird sleep as well.
"Katie, I'm here for you, even if you don't want to talk to Jameson, I'm here, even if it doesn't always seem like it," I hear Xander say just before sleep took me into its warm arms.
I smiled, knowing that I could talk to someone without them freaking out over me.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Hi,
Another chapter up and I'm not half awake doing it!
That's unheard of!
There are definitely a lot less Jalyn things in this chapter, but with that more brother-sister relationship between Xander and Kaitlyn, and I love that! I think next chapter, there will be something that will be a blow over from what happened here between Alice and Kaitlyn, so yeah, be excited about that!
I need to go write it, so see ya!
- Rachel
UPDATED; 20/05/2023
WORDS; 1287