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❦ ALL REASONS PURPOSIVE AND
SELFISH ❦
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He voluntarily stepped at his father's shadow, made his father as a front as he hid from the world. Ali bin Ghazali became a mystery as even Viktor hardly saw him, it's as if he vanished from the world that once hold a piece of him; he exists in different corners of a story but now there is hardly a scene where he is present.
Is he missed? Is this what is peace? Is this what is the life that only revolves around him?
It is lonely, it is disheartening, being alone when he wasn't working because while Cyberaya progressed with advance technology, his life remains stagnant. Because of that five years of seemingly failing his duty as a boyfriend, the truth is his life only revolves around her. Whatever she decides, whatever she wants, whatever she ought to be.
He had held a torch for her unconditionally, he had followed her wherever she went, he had hung onto her words, no matter how he responded, in fact, he was ready to give the world to her if she asked because she deserves it all and he was a simp. He was a loyal simp.
So Alicia-be-gone, Ali is a new man. Gone was the puppy that follows her through the halls, gone was the man who sat beside her with their backs on the wall, gone was a friend that heard it all, and gone was a lover that she cannot call hers anymore.
She had found solace with him, he became her home unconditionally. Ali is the man she didn't deserve even if she reincarnated a thousand times, because he gave her all, he is willing to offer her all while she, she just takes it all. It is a known fact that in a relationship everything should be balanced, but in their relationship it is not.
So yes, Alicia is a selfish woman, taking up his time, benefit from his acts of service, claiming his warmth, and kept him to herself; taking the broken soul and crushing it to pieces then building it up again to match hers. Label her selfish, accepting and taking all that he can give while she hardly offer anything in return, but that's all that it is because Alicia Kheng actually does not have anything to offer at all, it is a matter of what she have and not of what she can.
Ali can have all the things in the world while she cannot and if he offers it to her, what is left for her to offer him that he cannot possibly have?
Alicia rounded around the corner only to be pulled into a room assigned to techno agents to create and upgrade gadgets, meaning it must be Ali. Before she could protest his lips sealed hers in a searing kiss, she responded before pushing him away abruptly.
" We should not be doing this here "
" I know "
" There are cameras "
" I can handle it "
" Ali, honestly----"
" I got reprimanded again and it was not my fault "
" What am I supposed to do Alicia "
" I don't have any ideas yet "
" Alicia...Alicia, I don't know how many more offenses I am allowed to have "
She didn't know how to answer, yes at first those reprimands are well deserved, but Ali matured a lot, the reason of the recent reprimand surely is not his fault, but only a few believed that, others have negative opinion and perception about the tekno and MATA can only allow much failure.
MATA operations are not a game and certainly not just for "experience", they do not hone agents just for them to try experience all circumstances and learn with it. One experience cost so much, surely with Ali's matter, they must be losing patience. Ali is aware of that fact, actually he finally came to term that MATA is not an organization to make friends, not one that promotes a deep relationship, in hindsight MATA only groups people to achieve their goal and that is the betterment of Cyberaya, that is where MATA draws the lines as agents also should but Ali had not realized that until recently when he had already grown attached.
Just how the real world out there differ from school life, MATA Academy is different to MATA as a whole. Sure, Ali had met the Pillars, had many encounters with the general that he can almost claim that they are close but relationships doesn't work like that.
MATA community is unfamiliar, almost strange; the demeanor he got the first time he encountered his fellow young agents is the best he could get in MATA generally. It's... unexpected, maturity suddenly becomes a scary thing and all the things that come with it.
And now here he was, in some sort of relationship with the General's daughter--thinking of it, his heart aches. Maybe it's the normalcy, maybe it's because Alicia is the only girl he was close to, maybe it's because they had a sort of understanding and he appreciates it a lot or maybe he was really just a fool.
This was no ambiguous relationship, surely it's just because they needed someone to be there and accompany them once in a while so there is no need for deep talks or anything, actually it's heartbreaking that they hardly know each other in a way that doesn't concern MATA. It is always MATA and man, if Ali isn't the biggest fool, he would offer her his heart and everything regardless of what'd she do with it.
So there he was, offering her all that he could possibly have, greatly believing that she deserve all of it and she deserves more for what she did for him; listening, being patient, caring and indulging him to whatever he pleases. Oh, you want a kiss? Why didn't you say so? Not a fan of cuddles but okay
Yes, Alicia won't and didn't say anything like that, but that is how he views her actions, after all she'd let him kiss her just because, she'd let him hug her when he's being emotional even though she really only resembles a stuff toy maybe she even think he's using her. She'd understand right?
A wet chuckle left him, it sounds so bitter. She probably thinks he's using her, after all he comes to her actively during his emotional outburst. Kiss her aggressively, hug her and cuddle her for too long, leave a hickey on her neck to assure himself because in the end maybe they are borderline fuck buddy less the fucking.
They don't talk about feelings, they don't talk problems like people in commitment does, there aren't sense of security in the romantic relationship sense. He resigned that maybe this is a one-sided love because he will certainly do anything for her.
The huge responsibility finally seems to break his back with its weight on his shoulders and finally, finally he had enough. Enough that he demanded a meeting with the general and the pillar leaders. Enough that he actually proposed an ingenious idea for this situation, they cannot refuse because even if this was only the first proposal that sounds sensible coming from him it is also the best choice to achieve their desired result.
Of course it is a tardy process, even though there are no objection or opinion from them it does not mean that he can take his things and proceed to leave. In hindsight, he likes to believe that at least maybe they are in a dilemma, but it's now the least of his concerns because he finally decided. He had wasted all the time of his sleepless nights in his decision and now he is determined to follow through it.
To hell with his principles that he greatly believed before, Ali had enough. Enough with agent responsibilities that cost so much risk than it's worth, he can still promote and act for the common good, even if he's a normal citizen, his mother's legacy does not end on being an agent--it is not the only option and limit he have to continue it, MATA does not need someone like him as its member because he does not play a vital part to affect it so much enough to slow down any progress in fact, he had affected it greatly with override situation and his current performance negatively.
Once, he was mesmerized by the blinding light the future holds, once, he was ready to give his everything for Cyberaya and its people. He thought that he is ought to do great things with his circumstances, but no gray areas exist in MATA's existence; it's always black and white, it's always about the common good, it's always about whatever it takes to achieve the ultimate goal.
So yeah, Ali finally had enough because he became a shell of a boy that used to be him and he doubt that it's because of maturity. Being an agent finally sucked him dry, turned him into a candle that has nothing left to burn.
For Cyberaya, gruesome experiences, for Cyberaya, different types of pains, for Cyberaya, psychological illness, for Cyberaya, for Cyberaya, for Cyberaya... he is not fit for the job after all and to think he started at 12 years old in high spirits.
" You're okay, you're fine " Ali became emotional despite being in the middle of a fight when he saw her.
Relationship in MATA is very frowned upon, it is not intelligent to have a relationship within the organization, another reason to not label what is between the two of them.
Oh, how she wanted to claim him, mine, mine... Alicia always feels the flutters in her chest when he's concerned, when he's happy, when he runs to her for comfort, all in all she's very fond of Ali. Very, to match her schedule with him discreetly, very, to give him short times for his antics even if he's just sharing a gossip, very, to feel anxious when the light in his eyes finally dimmed.
Alicia is not stupid, she is very aware of his feelings for her, the Tekno practically dotes on her and sometimes she thinks if he know hers towards him when he smiles extra brightly, when his kisses are extra gentle, when his hug feels like he'll protect her from the world, when the marks in her neck feels intended.
She's not a woman of words, she certainly is a woman of action but their relationship is strange, she didn't know how to act, she did not know what to say, and she did not know what she is to him. So Alicia took what she can get while trying to understand their situation, creating a stimulus to gain a response that may indicate what it is, what did she have to do, or what she should say but in the end nothing came.
Their relationship seems to be doomed to end how it started so finally she decided that maybe letting go of herself at least when she's with him will solve the problem, try the stupid advices in the internet, be careless and do what she want, say what she want, claim it and tell him it as she went.
Except the steps on the bridge is gone, maybe it finally fell off the cliff when she took her time to decide.
" You know, sometimes I think I'm not Mama's son "
" Why? "
" She's just so great while I, even though I'm just starting seems to be lacking the chances to be one "
" Hmm? When there's will---"
" There's a way, " he added, but didn't add anything else, instead he closed his eyes, digging his face in her neck and tightening his hold on her waist while she soaked in his warmth and comfortability, left unaware on how this would end.
Ali woke up in an unfamiliar sight, he doesn't remember when he went to Mamak Maju's, but his uncle is right at the counter so maybe he was just confused due to exhaustion.
However, why do the other customers act weird? They are certainly acting funny and even the waiters are glancing at him funnily.
He furrowed his brows as he analyzed the situation, but it only made his head throb and the girl who was anxiously approaching doesn't add up either.
He looked at her confused, and upon seeing his reaction she came to halt. Instead, even if she's still three meters away from him she whispered,
"I'm sorry" thus only made him more confused so he did not react. Thinking that he hadn't heard it, the girl bit her lip and turned, walking inside of what seems to be the cooking area of the restaurant.
He could feel his head pounding painfully so he finally interrupted his uncle who-instead of ordering, seems to be flirting with one of the customers instead.
"Uncle, I think I'm going to pass dinner with you today, but let's reschedule yeah?"
His uncle looks taken aback and he swore he could feel the gaze of other people on his back, he even catch a glimpse of the girl earlier and offered her a smile before leaving seemingly aloof than ever.
Now, she could only remember the last time Ali smiled at her. With his back at the fading sunset, the boy she knew also fades as the dark sets.
He doesn't even know her anymore and the painful part is that it is his choice. She'll forever dread and anticipate the days they come across each other because he was once the boy that makes her feel alive until she sucked his life out of him just to call him hers.
Depression is said to be easy to absorb, just an exposure to a person with depression can affect you greatly with the same implication. Maybe she affected Ali the same, the negativity, the pessimism, to her it is just normal, it is just her being realistic, but Ali is a sunshine boy, her cinnamon roll, how greatly did she affect him for his characteristics encompassed by the nickname sunshine ceased to exist?
They thought maybe it is tacit understanding, it isn't because yes, she remembers... they don't talk about feelings. They just needed an escape, needed time to pass, needing something that gets their focus away from the horror of it all; They just kiss, they just hug, they just cuddle but that's it.
A relationship purely for comfort, comfort with no words of affirmation involved. There are bigger things than that after all, bigger than the silent 'I love yous' and 'I want this to be real' whispers they only heard when they finally closed their eyes, other not knowing that the latter is still awake at the time.
"So what happened to you and Alicia?" Viktor asked spontaneously one day after he decided that he gave Ali enough space for that matter, after all Ali just stated that maybe he was gonna asked Alicia out one of these days while he was drunk.
"Alicia?" Ali repeated the name which feels familiar with his tongue while thinking who the hell Alicia is but as the gear in his head creaked and turn, an ebony-haired girl in their class picture surfaced in his mind. He creased his brows when he realized that same girl was the one in Mamak Maju's a month ago.
Remembering vividly the hushed whisper of an apology from the girl that day, which he did not know what for till now, he replied,
" I guess I got turned down "
Viktor smiled sympathetically, he knew his friend likes Alicia for years.
"Don't worry, there are so many fishes in the sea, " he chuckled as he pat Ali's left shoulder, the latter having no choice but to join in as he didn't really know how to feel about this matter.
" You requested a permit to recreate and modify Dr. Aaron's (Nueve) invention to aid lay offs of agents? "
" Exactly, General "
" And where did you get this idea? "
" I've been wondering if there really are only two choices when one is to decide to leave this organization. Elimination, wasn't it? The one you propose the moment I finally learned about MATA or the one proposed by my uncle by the time, to lock me up for a lifetime? "
" What I'm proposing is to modify such invention is to suit such situation or make it specifically for memory erasing regarding the existence of MATA along it--a solution for those who are a coward and wanted an out, for those who are not just suitable, and for those who just needed to be saved from all of these or in Layman's term, for me to finally be free out of these "
The expression of those who are present are undoubtedly negative, their feelings are expressed as clear as a day to him but as stated earlier Ali finally had an enough so he stood there almost proud with an expression of I'm-informing-you-not-asking-for-you-to-decide he knows and they know that he'll do it anyway or if not possible he'll find another way. It is established that Ali is a hard-headed headstrong boy, at 22 nothing much has changed about these characteristics, it just mellowed out slightly but is still there.
" You are asking to erase your memory of your fellow agents, of your experience, your learning about your mom and your partner "
.
.
.
He did not answer, maybe he can be persuaded seeing that he is clenching his jaw and balling his fist, eyes becoming slightly misty as if he never thought about this when in fact before he even thought of this outrageous request he knew of this
" Yes, I'm very much aware and I accept. I just hope that my uncle will deem things about my mom important enough to inform me "
" What about Alicia? "
This is getting personal and unprofessional, surely this should not be mentioned by the general, but they aren't too subtle for the general to ask what was going to happen to his daughter when Ali finally left.
" Whatever do you mean? She gets a new partner in every mission, " he lied smoothly, finally accepted his conclusion that there were never really a real thing between them after all.
This is a positive feedback, there are no comments which indicate that they disagree but they aren't supportive either.
The general did not respond about that, in any case his expression just got extreme, he could feel the contempt emanating from him, but he stood his ground controlling his emotions though he felt genuinely scared when the General stated,
" I just hope you got lucky that you won't regret "
(o^^)o----------o(^^o)
Hello hello, I'm breathing and alive.
Finally it's our summer break so here is a fic!
Same old, italics are for thoughts or flashbacks
Hopefully this one have a sequel but who knows, this fic alone contains over 3100 words and I think it's quite alright