"It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I've always been taught to be anything other than open. My life once revolved around lying to get around obstacles. I would lie about my age, for my attention. I would lie to my mother about Joseph's infidelities to avoid being hit or seeing her cry. I would lie about my feelings, to avoid letting someone become too close. Throughout my lies, I learned one thing, though the truth is tough to handle, it's much easier.
I've been breathing easy, sleeping heavier and smiling often. The week after our announcement of our engagement went better than expected. Not a negative commentary about the scene. Many fans rejoiced, claiming us as the top couple of the century. The media itself has seemed to have reached their nadir of claiming my relationship with Jesse as a sham. The world finally understands that I truly am in love, and Jesse is the cause of it.
It's a great feeling.
"I'm four months... Four months finally!" Jesse squeals, admiring herself in our full length mirror.
This has been a everyday routine for her lately. Waking up, playing with my nose, hopping out of the bed and running over to the mirror to check her progress. I think it's cute, admirable even to see her so excited. She truly deserves her elation for baby number two. The miscarriage scare is completely gone now that she is beginning her second trimester, and for that we are thanking God and breathing easy.
"I can't wait for our little sucker to come out already..." I sigh mutually.
She sighs as well, turning away from the mirror to glance at me. I flash her an innocent smile and for a second, imagine her with our baby in her arms. I've been having dreams lately about our future, with our little one. The dreams are so sweet and I think it's a sign from God. A beautiful sign that promises a hopeful, final happiness.
"What's on your mind?" She interrupts my daze, slipping in bed beside me.
Allowing her to cuddle into my arms, I peck her forehead and smile with an idea forming.
"How about we visit some infant hospitals? It's been awhile since we last did an outing together, besides last week. Then we can have a mall trip? Anything to get out of the house" I suggest, knitting out fingers together.
Her pecan eyes glow with a sudden radiance as she quickly leans up and giggles. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion of her sudden elation.
"Michael... That would be great! Holding those little, tiny babies. Ugh, so cute!" She squeals, pecking my cheek quickly before hopping out of the bed once more.
I watch her in amusement as she nearly skips towards her closet and disappears inside. I've also noticed this certain glow to her as well. I guess it's "the pregnancy glow". It makes her mocha skin look even more delectable and it seemingly glistens, more than ever. I love it.
"And what about the mall? You want to go there too?" I call out to her, forcing myself out of the bed.
Like a naked mole rat in the Sahara, she pops her head out of the closet and glances at me with great alert.
"The mall, you wanna go?" I giggle.
Relaxing, she shrugs and disappears once again. I shake my head and cross our bedroom heading towards my own closet. Today just feels like the perfect day for a Michael and Jesse outing. I want to visit a infant hospital for obvious reasons. I'm growing a little antsy about waiting for our little bundle, but I also just want to give back to the community.
You can never give too much, and I truly believe that. I want to touch as many lives for as long as I'm alive. With taking Jesse, she'll drain a bit of her baby fever as well. It's a sort of sedative for our nerves. As for visiting the mall, I want to surprise the fans. I haven't been communicating too much with them, and this little visit from Jesse and I will hopefully make up for the lost time.
"This or this?" Jesse asks from behind me, pausing to glance around my wardrobe. "Why does it seem like you have more clothes than I do?" She giggles, giving my closet a three-sixty glance.
I shake my head at her teasing and turn to examine her outfit options.
Midnight sheer, long-sleeve button up and low rise midnight trousers; in her right hand. Lacey swoop-back maxi dress; in her left hand.
Glancing between the options, I picture her in them and then picture the occasion. Although she would look absolutely stunning in her Lacey swoop-back sun dress, I believe the more conservative outfit would better fit the occasion. I wouldn't want the tabloids speaking terribly of her outfit when visiting the infant hospital. They can be relentless at times.
"The one on the right. I guess I'll wear read and black if you're just wearing black?" I ask, more so telling her.
She nods, glancing at at my choice as well with approval.
"So why do you wear red and black a lot? You never told me." She questions, fingering the blazer I was gazing at.
I smile, appreciating as well as loving how attentive she is.
"Black is always classic and timeles, red dilates the pupils of one's eyes when you look at it. I feel that using such a color that does that would help burn the memory into the fans forever." I casually explain, removing the rest of my attire from their racks.
Jesse's eyes follow me as I slip beside her and continue into our bedroom. When I turn around, she's smiling foolishly. I shake my hand and dare myself to question.
"What's up with the goofy smile?" I giggle.
"Your explanation. I forget how, how illusive you are. Like everything has a reason. Your white socks, your sparkly glove. All have a purpose. It's-It's amazing" She gawks, waking over to our bed.
My smile widens at her compliment. So many others question my decisions, and even my motives for the things I do. Even when it comes to my craft, which I have been doing for many years now, I still receive uncertain questions. But acknowledging someone who cares to try to understand, really warms my heart.
"Of course, girl. Besides, I like to add my own flavor to the juice. Now, we have to hurry and get dressed so we can make it early and call early for the mall" I stress, quickly gathering a fresh pair of briefs and my infamous ivory V-neck.
Nodding at my instructions, Jesse scurries for fresh undergarments as well and follows me into the bathroom. Before we enter, I pause to warn her about slight funny business. With a playful scowl, she gently pushed me into the bathroom and brushed off my warning.
She soon regretted it, earning a little loving, punishable few kisses and nibbles from me. After a long thirty minutes, we rushed out of the bathroom and raced against the clock to get dressed and meet Bill downstairs.
"I swear, the world could be ending and y'all still be taking your own damn time getting to safety...." Bill grumbles as Jesse and I jog down the stairs.
Jesse and I give each other a quick glance before laughing off his insult and following him out.
As soon as we step out onto our front steps, screams and flashing cameras are heard across the driveway. Glancing up while shielding my eyes, I spot the cause of the bedlam and butterflies form in my stomach. I missed our fans. Although I could go without the cameras, I still want them to capture my beautiful fiancé and I being normal.
It has been stated before that Jesse and I don't proceed as normal couples. We, for some reason sleep in separate beds, and have an open relationship. I don't know where nor the source of the medias information about Jesse and I. It's ridiculous for them to even publish such lunacy. It just makes no sense.
Gently grabbing for Jesse's palm, we wait for Bill's approval to continue towards our SUV. When he confirms that everything is okay, I glance at Jesse and give her a tender peck before following Bill. All the while, the fans across the street go completely insane with roaring chants. I can't help but find myself blushing at their reaction to my simple gesture. Soon enough we reach our SUV, Jesse and I give a quick wave to the fans and lurking cameras before disappearing inside our SUV.
"I knew they would find us sooner or later..." I smile, waving to the crazed group outside of my window.
Jesse jumps in fright once a couple of young girls from that group begin to grip at her side of the door, banning on the window for a glance. I sigh and quickly grab her hand for comfort while Bille and Scotty warns the elated fans to back away, even scolding a few of the lurking cameras.
Once we pass the mayhem, Jesse and I both sigh in great chorus, giggling afterwards.
"Mike, are you sure about the mall? I mean it will be ten times worse than that shit back there" Bill asks, glancing between me and the road.
I glance over at Jesse for her opinion. Bill is right, I don't want to out Jesse in any kind of danger. The fans doesn't know she's pregnant, and God forbid we visit the mall and they find out under a terrible circumstance. I have to take precautions, and I should've before I planned this outing.
"Jess?"
She licks her lips in contemplation, twisting them to the side indecisively.
"Well, I still do. I believe the fans will be careful because I'm... Oh, I see..." She sighs, defeated by her thoughts.
"We could just visit a retirement home instead of the mall? It's up to you Jess" I suggest, squeezing her hand a little.
"Uh... Mall. Let's go to the mall, but if there's too much chaos, I want to leave as soon as possible." She stresses, subconsciously running her stomach with her free palm.
I nod, still eying her now noticeable baby bump. She's finally four months, and it shows. I hope none of those pesky cameras caught her stomach. I wouldn't know how to handle the chaos that would occur if word got out that, "Michael Jackson impregnanted his new fiancé and long time girlfriend, Jesse Edmond"
What a pain in the hind that would be.
"Yes ma'am. And one more thing, you are four months right? So, uh are you guys planning to marry before the baby comes, or?.." Bill questions, making a gentle turn down a steep hill.
As if on cue, Jesse and I glance at each other and clear our throats in awkward chorus. We talked about this last week. I've been waiting for her to say the words, and I'll make calls, but she hasn't said a word; not until last week.
"Uh... Whenever she's ready, I'm ready" I finally answer, not looking away from Jesse.
She breaks our gaze, glancing at her growing stomach. I want to know what she's thinking. Things have been going well and I would love to make her Misses Jackson, but only when she's ready.
"Well, not to pry..." Bill begins.
"And you are..." I bud in, watching Jesse's reaction as he poses the obvious question.
"Are you ready Jesse? I mean you moved in to Neverland four months ago, now you're pregnant, and now the world knows you two are engaged. You know they'll be watching you guys for awhile now, you can't hide your pregnancy for five more months. I'm not trying to-"
"Bill... Stop saying that. Just drop it, okay?" I sigh heavily, becoming irritated with every word.
He nods and glances at me through the rear view mirror before shaking his head. Once he pulls into the hospital plaza, I silently thank God and a smile spreads my lips.
There's just something so exceptional about visiting hospitals. Not only do I walk away appreciative to what I am blessed with, but I walk away with the confidence that I will one day, be able to look into my child's eye and give him or her all the love I can. I just can't wait.
"We're going around back, from there an officer will escort you guys inside along with back up, and I'll be there after I park. Got it?" Bill informs us, pulling into a seemingly secluded part of the hospital grounds.
"You ready?" I ask Jesse once the SUV comes to a halt.
She nods, not even glancing at me. I stifle the frown threatening to showcase as we wait for Bill to open our doors. When Bill does come around to open my door, Jesse releases my hand and slips out of hers, with the help of Scotty. After going over scheduling, we proceed through the back of the hospital, fortunately hand and hand.
"Ah... Mister Jackson and his new fiancé! Wonderful to see you here! It's an honor Mister and Misses" A hefty sun kissed man with the name tag, Captain Brown, greets us warmly.
I blush at his acknowledgement and gently squeeze Jesse, whose seemingly too lost in her own thoughts to return the mans greeting. Jumping from her daydream, she glances at me then Captain Brown and smiles sheepishly. Fortunately, Captain Brown found her reaction humorous and chuckled, repeating his greeting.
Soon enough, after greeting Scotty and Bill and our three other back up guards, Captain Brown escorted us through the kitchen of the hospital and introduced us to the main doctor in charge; Doctor Melody Whitfield.
Doctor Melody Whitfield is your typical middle aged blonde. Icy blue eyes, with long honey blonde hair. I met her over the phone, after setting up today's tour of the nursery. She's seemingly a nice and decent human being. She also agreed to keep this tour a little on the confidential side. For which, I am very happy about.
"Mister and Misses, congratulations on your engagement!" Doctor Whitfield greets us, glancing between Jesse and I.
We return her greeting with a gentle head nod and small smile. Before I could open my mouth to verbally thank her for this opportunity, Doctor Whitfield, quietly walks up to Jesse. Glancing at Jesse's stomach, she smiles widely.
"How many months?" She gasps, subconsciously feeling the miniature poke of Jesse's stomach.
My heart rate increases. I can see the embarrassment on Jesse's face as she fumbles to answer doctor Whitfield's question.
"F-Four months. I'm four months..." Jesse finally sighs, her eyes glued to Doctor Whitfield's head.
"Wow, four months. You're growing beautifully. Wow... I can't believe the rumors are true for once" She giggles, standing upright.
Jesse and I exchange a quick glance.
"Rumors?" I question.
Doctor Whitfeild nods, motioning for us to follow her.
Without second thought, I follow her command as she leads us into her office. She instructs us to wait at the door while she sifts through her desk. All the while we wait, we earn whispers and astonished glances from the surrounding nurses.
I'm beginning to think, that this was a bad idea.
"Here. It's right here..." She announces, jogging over to me.
She passes me a newspaper article from last Sunday. The first thing my eyes set on is a picture of Jesse and I locked in a kiss with a red arrow pointing to her stomach.
"Jacko has a Jackling on the way, sources has confirmed the rumor. We have yet to hear back from Michael publicist and lawyer; John Branca. But with this engagement announcement, we know Jacko has a plan to get hitched, before his Jackling arrives..." I read, pausing to glance at Doctor Whitfield in horror.
How did they know? Who are these "sources"? Why didn't John tell me about this?
So many questions, not one damn answer.
"Aren't you happy? I-"
"Michael... I told you. I knew this would happen... God, I knew it." Jesse panics, falling into the visitor chair behind her.
Bill quickly sits beside her to comfort her while I force myself not to act in my anger and suck it up. I don't want Jesse to worry, nor be angry. I'm going to make sure John fixes this.
"I'm going to talk to John tomorrow Jess. Don't worry" I sigh, handing the newspaper back to Doctor Whitfield.
She presses her lips together, guiltily, returning the newspaper back onto her desk.
"I'm sorry-"
"It's okay... Um, can we just continue the tour?" I ask, directing my question more towards Jesse than Doctor Whitfield.
Jesse nods and stands from her chair and grabs my palm, forcing a smile as we begin to walk again.
I feel terribly guilty. Although we knew this would eventually happen. I'm not sure why I thought we could hide her pregnancy for an entirety of nine months, but we still wanted to try. I don't want this to cause Jesse any worry, not at all.
Dear Lord, help us.
"And this, this is where our little premies reside. They are in need of constant watch, so we would have on call staff right over there..." Doctor Whitfield informs us, pointing to the handful of nurses hovering over different incubators.
My heart sinks a little. These precious, blessings of life hanging on for it. It's a heart wrenching sight to witness. Their tiny little bodies, and unacknowledged minds only asking for love and attention. It scares the hell out of me, but I'm praying this won't be the fate for our baby.
"Would you like an up close view?" Doctor Whitfield interrupts my thoughts, smiling sweetly.
"Yes..." Jesse whispers, before I can open my mouth.
Nodding, in agreement, I follow behind the two women and watch Jesse's reaction. I know in her mind the image of these helpless infants will forever burn. I just hope she doesn't conjure any horrid ideas of our fate.
"What about their parents? Do they visit often?" Jesse asks, bending down to the waking infant we are viewing.
"Yes, but it's a really emotional scene. We try to limit it..." Doctor Whitfield explains.
Jesse doesn't respond, instead her face softens with sympathy for these beautiful blessings.
"May I?" She asks, referring to touching the baby.
Doctor Whitfield glances at me before nodding and gesturing for me to join. Nervousness washes over me almost instantly. I've held plenty of children, toddlers, and even babies, but never a newborn. These newborns are so fragile, and I'm frightened by the thought of accidental hurting this little angel.
"It's okay Mister Jackson, you can touch his hand. You can't hurt him in there" Doctor Whitfield encouraging, her wide smile equally encouraging.
Jesse steps beside me, gently taking my hand and pushes it through the open hole of the incubator. I jump for a moment, feeling the little angels full Palm around my index finger. God, I can't even begin to explain the feeling of this tiny humans grasping my index finger so gently. It's a blessing, that feels like a miracle.
"God bless you little one. You are a miracle" I whisper to the Angel.
"His name is Jeremy. He was born three weeks before his due date. He's a very lucky angel indeed" Doctor Whitfield chimes, frowning a bit at Jeremy.
"Oh my!" Jesse suddenly jumps, removing her hand from the incubator.
Everyone's head snaps in her direction as she places both of her palms onto her small baby bump in complete perplexity.
"Jess... What happened are you okay?" I ask urgently, gently removing my index finger away from Jeremy.
I slip beside her, my eyes wandering her body crazily as I search for a visible sign of pain. Doctor Whitfield quickly rushes over and gently presses her palm to my chest to calm me before turning towards Jesse.
"Are you okay Misses Jackson?" She repeats my question.
Still being held back by Doctor Whitfield's Palm, I wait helplessly for Jesse's response. Fortunately, Jesse nods and begins to giggle a little, rubbing her stomach contently.
"I-I think the baby have me its first kick. Th-The baby is moving!" She squeals, laughing foolishly.
A wave of relief-filled sighs washes into the room as we all exchange thankful glances and relax. Even Bill walks over smiling proudly. I guess Jesse and I aren't the only one with baby-fever.
"Welcome to your second trimester! Your baby's spine is near full development. His or her limbs are getting a little bit of exercise in there. He or she can now suck his thumb. Congratulations" Doctor Whitfield smiles, releasing me to entertain the beautiful moment.
I slowly approach Jesse looking to her with this new love for her and our child. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. She's a beautiful being. A true blessing in my life.
"Come on, the kicks aren't that strong" Jesse giggles, gently take my hand before placing my palm on the lower part of her abdomen.
Even through the sheer material of her blouse and the thick midnight tank underneath, I can feel our little ones kick of excitement.
My God, I thank you.
"Oh little buddy, I can't wait for you to meet daddy..." I sigh, still feeling her lower abdomen.
Jesse gently runs her fingers through my hair. It's a grown habit of hers. She has been doing it a lot these past two months. I've been wondering if it's due to her pregnancy, but I only wonder for a few seconds. Either way, I enjoy her nibble fingers gently taking my curls.
"You two are really nice couple. I hate to seem like a crazy fan, but i truly adore you two! And now you guys are bringing in a little one?! It's just beautiful. Really beautiful" Doctor Whitfield gawks.
Jesse and I giggle, returning from our trance. Standing upright I glance at Bill who gives me a wink. That little wink means the world to me. He's proud of me. I stepped up to the plate. I stepped up for Jesse, for our little one, and for myself. Though I'm not there yet, I'm going to figure this all out.
I'm going to be everything my family needs.
"We should go, it's getting late" Bill interrupts the moment, tearing our shared gaze.
Doctor Whitfield nods and turns towards Jesse and I to escort us out. Before loading the elevator, I write a quick check for baby Jeremy; signed from Jesse and Michael. I hope he does wonders in the world. She thanks me kindly and waves us off.
"I'm proud of you two. I really am." Bill sighs happily as we step out of the elevator.
I give Jesse's palm a gentle squeeze and peck her lips tenderly.
"I'm proud of us too. Let's just go home" I suggest, still lost in Jesse's almond eyes.
Her almond eyes seem to sparkle at my suggestion before I tear our gaze for Bills approval. Once he nods, I give her palm one last squeeze and whisper I love you into her neck before continuing out of the kitchen of the hospital.
I never knew someone like Jesse was made for someone like me. I didn't think I deserved something as special as our relationship. I thought chivalry was completely dead. I thought all of this, but then she kissed me. I questioned those kisses, but then she submitted her treasure to me. I questioned if this was all real, but then she agreed to marry me. I had one last question of this mirage, but it all ceased when I felt our baby kick.
There's no more questions to ask. There's no more doubt to have. Jesse have me all of her love. Now, I'm giving back; that love.