SANTIAGO'S POV
The law requires inmates to schedule a certain number of visits with the prison shrink depending on the duration of their sentence or severity of their crime. If you ask me it's a waste of time. Even though there is doctor-patient confidentiality, a shrink is required to report if someone is a danger to themselves or others. That clause right there is why that law is stupid. Inmates are smart so there's no way they will incriminate themselves or others. The sessions usually include an inmate sitting across for the doctor for one whole hour saying nothing. One is required to attend but they can't force us to talk if we don't want to.
"One hour Delgado." Finn says as he unlocks my cuffs outside the therapists office.
"Why not half an hour or better yet ten minutes tops." I reply.
"Nice try." He retorts opening the door and shoving me inside.
I turn around and face Dr. Simon Hale who gives me one of his welcoming smiles. He is a middle aged man, probably in his late fifties with a wise look to him, slightly graying hair, blue eyes hidden behind round framed glassed and a sense of style that makes him look like Keanu Reeves in John Wick. He's always in suits which I know is his personal style not something he forced to wear.
I look at the doctor and scowl in dismay. I don't want to be here, never have so I don't know why they force me to do this every three months.
"Mr. Delgado, welcome. Please have a seat?" Dr. Hale invites.
It's not like I was going to stand for the whole session. If I am going to be subjected to a whole hour of this, might as well be comfortable.
"Thank you Dr. Hale." I reply.
"Call me Simon please. Dr. Hale is my father. So how are we doing today?" He asks me opening a fresh page in his big black book just for me.
"Okay." I reply curtly.
Life conditioned me to be a man of few words especially when it comes to people in authority which has always worked out great for me. I am only open with people I like and feel comfortable with. Dr. Hale, sorry Simon is not one of those people.
"Ever the man of few words. Rumor has it that your brother graduated high school. You must be very proud of him." Simon asks.
It's no rumor, the man researched about me before our visit. It's what makes him good at his job but it doesn't mean I like it when someone butts their nose into my business.
"I am. He is going to Brown." I reply.
I am proud of Diego. He is doing so well for himself and I'm glad that he is working hard to build a life of himself away from the cartel life. My father was pushed into it as a means of survival and so was I. I took the fall so Diego can have a chance at a bright, crime free future. Him getting into Brown is proof enough that my sacrifice was worth it.
"An Ivy league. That's no small feat." Simon asks fishing for more information.
"No it isn't! I'm very happy for him." I reply.
Diego made one stupid mistake of allowing peer pressure make him steal drugs from me. There is no way I would have let him pay for being a teenager with a drug dealing big brother. Being street smart is what kept me out of prison for so many years but taking the fall for Diego is something I'd do again without a second thought.
"Good, I'm glad to hear that. So we have an hour. You want to sit in silence like always or is there something you want to discuss." Simon asks.
Usually I'd ignore his question and we'd sit in silence for the duration of our session but I need his advice. I don't have that many friends to talk about something like this with. Julius is out of the question, he's too young, Moreno or any of the other gang members aren't trustworthy enough and Diego is too young. I'd ask Hannah but she is what I want to discuss so I can't as well do it with her.
"What's your opinion on an inmate having a relationship with someone on the outside?" I ask Simon.
He looks up surprised that I've decided to speak up but he composes himself quickly. The only reason I am comfortable enough to discuss this with him is because it's a safe topic. I'm not planning to harm myself or others so he won't discuss it with anybody.
"Do you have an old girlfriend you left behind?" Simon inquires.
Yes like twenty, I was a rich handsome drug dealer, it came with the territory but they aren't who I'm referring to.
"Who said this situation is about me?" I ask defensively.
"You're not social enough to be asking this for someone else." Simon retorts.
I've got to give it to the old man. He really is good at his job. He knows all about my antisocial behaviour but then again anyone can deduce that after knowing me for ten minutes.
"Point taken and no she's not an old girlfriend. It's someone I started talking to recently." I admit.
There is no point in lying to him. If I want his unbiased opinion then I've got to be honest with him about everything.
"Taking advantage of the prisoner pen pal system I see." Simon replies.
"No, you know I don't do that. We met under different circumstances." I answer.
The prison pen pal system is a joke if you ask me. Only deranged women, bored ones or those with an inmate fetish are on that website. Very few people genuinely want to make friends with inmates so I can't rule out the whole system but still, it's like fishing for a frog in the ocean. You might get lucky but it's highly unlikely.
"Oh understood. I am sorry for assuming." Simon apologizes.
"It's all good. So advice? Do you think it can work out?" I insist.
This is something that has been bothering me ever since I realized that Hannah is beginning to develop feelings for me. The last time we talked on the phone she called me her favorite person. She is not the kind of person to just throw words around so I know she meant that. It made me so happy but scared at the same time.
"Do you want it to?" Simon challenges looking at me from the top of his glasses.
It makes me feel like I am under a microscope being watched so I shift in my seat and avert my eyes concentrating on a crack in the wall behind him.
"Yes but I also don't want to hold her back from finding someone special who is actually free and can spend time with her." I answer.
The thought of Hannah with someone else hurts me more than I am willing to admit. But then I am man enough to confess that I might not be the best option for her.
"You're selling yourself short. You'll not be in here forever." Simon reassures me.
"It'll be long enough. I can't make her wait for me that long." I counter.
Time is moving fast but twenty two months is a very long time if Hannah and I start dating now.
"You can't make a woman do anything she doesn't want to unless you're a predator which I know for a fact that you are not. If this woman has chosen to be with you and she knows your situation then it's her decision. She knows that you are worth the wait." Simon insists.
His words are reassuring but I still have a lot of doubt in my heart.
"I just don't want to hurt her." I mumble quietly.
Hannah is an angel and I don't want to taint her with my evil. She's not just a quick shag or a fuck buddy like all the previous women in my life. She's someone who deserves romance, true love, respect, kindness and forever. I just don't know if I'm capable of giving her all of that. I have never done it before so it will be a whole new experience for me.
"That will happen only if you want it to. It's all in your hands." Simon insists. "Ask yourself if she is worth it? If roles were reversed, would you wait for her?"
"Yes I would, she is worth it." I reply without missing a beat.
"There you have it, that's your answer." Simon says with a smile.
I know he is happy because I've actually managed to open up today for the first time since I was incarcerated. Even I have to admit that it feels good speaking to someone who won't judge me. Now I get it why white people like going to see a shrink so much. It is therapeutic getting some things off my chest. I will probably never do it again but it does feel good.
"Thanks doc." I nod appreciatively
"Anytime. So does the special lady have a name?" Simon asks.
"Hannah."
"Beautiful."
"That she is." I agree thinking of that gorgeous lady.
Darius is probably rolling over in his grave that I'm discussing my feelings for his sister with a shrink but my heart wants what it wants. And besides I think he would have approved of me. It's not like I'm a bad guy, I was just handed a rough start that led my life to turn out as it is.
Finn is prompt when my one hour is up.
"See you in three months doc." I say getting up.
"Take care of yourself Mr. Delgado. I wish you and your lady friend all the best." Simon replies.
I let Finn cuff me and lead me out of the shrinks office. I feel better than I did when I went in. I should probably consider taking advantage of my sessions more often. They are after all free and the Doctor is good at his job.
I went directly to see Dr. Simon after my shift in the kitchen so I decide to go take a shower after Finn drops me off. There are a couple of inmates in there showering after their shifts so I do it quickly to avoid chitchat or getting on someone's bad side. In prison you can get shanked for anything even something as little as taking too long in the shower. Inmates get stir crazy after being locked up for too long and they are always looking for a release.
After my shower I quicky get dressed and leave the bathroom. Instead of going directly to my cell, I decide to pass by Julius' cell to check up on him. I haven't seen the kid all day.
"Please stop." A meek voice whimpers from one of the cells infront of me.
The cells are mostly empty since inmates are hanging out at the yard or the different recreational rooms.
"Stop fidgeting and take it." A rougher voice retorts following by more whimpering.
I fasten my steps because that timid voice sounds too familiar. The sight that I find when I get to Julius' cell makes my blood boil.
"No please no." Julius begs as he lies on the floor with his cellie on top of him trying to take off his pants.
Julius' shirt is in shreds, he's covered in bruises and hickeys as he cries and begs but the stupid human won't budge. It's obvious that Julius is trying to fight him off but the mammoth of a man is too strong for the kid.
I see red as I toss my things away and pounce on the stupid idiot. I pull him up by his fat neck and toss him against the wall and away from Julius. The man is huge but he's nothing but pounds of fat and flesh. He bounces off it and falls to the floor but quickly gets up ready to fight me.
"Get up kid." I rush out to Julius as I get him to his feet and push him against the wall furthest away from his would be rapist.
He is crying and covered in tears and snort, his skin a pink color I've never seen on him before.
"I'm so sorry boss. I tried to fight him off." Julius apologizes.
"It's not your fault kid. Stay here." I grit out.
I turn around and face his cellie, who's name I can't remember for the life of me but it's not like it matters. He looks angry when he should be scared because if there's one thing I hate more than anything in this world, it's someone who prey's on the weak. I hate bullies and rapists are the worst kind of bullies. They not only hurt you mentally but physically as well and that is something I cannot stand for. I know I am not the only one so I whistle out loudly signalling for back up.
"You messed with the wrong person today scumbag." I grin menacingly when I hear rushed footsteps headed our way.
"He asked for it." Fatso replies defensively.
"Does that look like someone who asked for it? I heard him say no several times to you. Just because you like it doesn't mean everyone else does. There's a lot of free ass in this prison without you having to force yourself on someone." I retort.
Moreno is the first one to arrive followed by six members of our gang. They block the door meaning no one is getting out.
"What happened?" Moreno asks looking around the cell.
One look at Julius is enough to explain what I walked in on.
"He tried to abuse the kid. I walked in just before he could. Or did he. Kid was this the first time?" I ask turning to Julius.
He nods and I sigh in relief because there's nothing as bad as dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted.
"How about we teach this motherfucker the meaning of concent?" I chuckle menacingly walking towards our culprit.
He steps back but there is nowhere to go as he is pinned against the wall. His next move is to fight back so he lunges at me but I duck and get him in the stomach knocking the wind out of him. I could have easily dealt with him myself but at a personal risk of getting thrown in solitary even if I'm not at fault. Moreno is untouchable in prison so involving him means we all get to walk free after teaching this bastard a lesson.
The asshole lunges for me again but this time Moreno blocks him and punches him in the face. He drops to the ground like a sack of potatoes and that's when we all attack. We kick him mercilessly without caring which body part our boots are landing on.
The guards show up when we are about to kill the man and break off the fight. We weren't going to kill him. No, death is too easy of a sentence for him. We were going to beat him to the point of death, which we have, let him heal and do it all over again. The reason why sexual predators are kept in a separate wing is because of this exact reason. They do not live long enough after sentencing. They either get killed of have their dick and balls chopped off. A man without his manhood is useless so they end up committing suicide.
"What the fuck is going on here?" Warden McKinley's voice booms as he walks into the cell.
"We did your job for you." Moreno retorts walking out and nobody stops him.
"Get your things kid, I'm your new cellie." I declared urging Julius on.
He doesn't wait for me to ask him again as he starts gathering his stuff.
"We need to talk about what happened here." McKinley demands.
"No, what you need to do is take this man away before someone decides to finish what we started." I retort.
"Is that a threat?" Callahan asks his hand on his baton ready to attack me.
"No it's a promise. You guys are supposed to be protecting the weak like Julius when he gets preyed on by predators like him but all you do is sit in the break room drinking coffee and smoking so yes I am promising you that if someone tries to lay a hand on this kid without his concent, blood will be spilled." I reply standing my ground.
Callahan lunges forward but McKinley stops him before he can get to me.
"Get this man to the medical wing and make sure he's cuffed to the bed." McKinley demands.
"Yes sir." Callahan replies giving me the stink eye before getting to the task at hand.
It takes four CO's to carry the bleeding idiot out of the cell leaving me, Julius, McKinley and Finn.
"Does he need to get looked at?" McKinley asks.
I look at Julius who shakes his head no as he hugs all his things to his chest.
"No he's fine." I reply on his behalf.
"Okay then, Finn will walk you back to your cell. I'll see you both tomorrow morning in my office after you have calmed down."
Without another word, I wrap my arm around Julius' shoulders and lead him out of his cell with Finn following behind us.
"You take the top bunk." I inform him since its the free one.
As Julius sets up, I turn to Finn who is at the entrance looking at the kid with pity eyes.
"Will he be okay?" Finn asks.
"I'll make sure of it but if you can arrange for him to meet up with Dr. Simon tomorrow that will be appreciated." I reply.
"It's protocol but I'll make sure it happens." Finn replies.
"Thanks." I mumble appreciatively.
"You have mail by the way." Finn says handing me my already opened envelope.
Hannah's handwriting captures my attention and amidst all the chaos I manage a smile.
"Thanks."
"Take care." Finn says before walking away.
I pocket the letter and turn to the kid.
"You want to talk about it?" I ask Julius who looks even smaller than his normal size.
"Not really." He says shaking his head.
"That's okay but we will need to talk about it some time. Why don't you get into bed and get some sleep. I'll bring you dinner later." I say to him.
"Thank you, thank you so much. If not for you I ..." Julius trails off as he starts crying again.
I pull him in for a hug and rub soothing circles on his back. I hate that that vile man has undone all the confidence I had managed to build in the kid to nothing. But I'll help him again, just like I was, only this time I know I've got my work cut out for me. The kid has some healing to do first.
"You're okay kid, you always will be as long as I'm here." I assure him.
He nods and once his tears have stopped and he's reduced to nothing but dry heaves, I pull away and help him get onto the top bunk. I cover him up and watch him for a moment. I feel myself getting angry all over again as I look at the bruises on his face and neck so I step back fast.
I know of one way to calm myself so I retrieve Hannah's letter and make myself comfortable on my bed.
Dear Cesar,
Hi, how are you? I miss you. I know we talked a few days ago but I can't get you out of my head to stop thinking about you even for a second. The only time I'm able to block out thoughts of you is when I'm working because I can't afford to be distracted at work. One mistake can cost a life so I have to be very careful while working. But when I am not, my thoughts roam freely and they are filled with you.
I have a confession to make. I have no idea what you look like. With the tap of a few buttons, I can look you up online or ask Diego to send me a photo of you but I can't seem to bring myself to do either of those things. All my friends looked you up, Tom, my brother's partner pulled up your case file and they all got to know what you look like, all except for me. It's not that I don't want to know what you look like, I'm hoping that we can meet someday but something is holding me back.
It's like I have this image of you in my head that's untainted and I want to keep it that way.
Writing these letters to you has become one of my favorite things to do. I didn't expect that receiving that first letter from you would lead to this but I like where we're at.
Maybe I should consider a visit? Is it too soon for me to do that? If it is let me know and we can take things easy, at your pace.
I hope we can talk again soon, please call me when you can.
Yours truly,
Hannah Claire Johnson.
So Miss. Johnson doesn't know what I look like. I have no idea how to interpret that information but it also makes me afraid. What if she is disappointed when she finally does see me? I'm not insecure about how I look but I have tattoos on more than half my body and a couple of piercings. I can only hope that when she does gather the courage to look me up, or we meet up, she'll appreciate what she sees.
She also mentioned that she wants to come see me? I have thought about that before and I concluded that I am not ready. Yes I want to see her but I don't want her to see me like this. In orange and in chains, no.
Before I can overthink that too much, the dinner announcement rings out so I put the letter away and get to my feet. Julius is sound asleep so I walk out to get him some dinner. Hannah can wait because I have to feed the kid first.
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Thank you all so much for your feedback in the last chapter, I don't think I've ever gotten so many comments after asking that in an ongoing book.
Some of you are amazed by the daily updates. Well I'm already behind schedule this year. Most people have a To Be Read list while I have a To Be Written list. The goal is always six books a year. Last year I managed three so I was hoping to beat that this year.
Mami is my second book of the year so keep your fingers crossed for me.