-• i'm sorry •-
Rudra
Love cannot be detrimental
But it sure is self-destructive
I steer clear of alcohol most of the time. I don't like not being in control, not knowing where I'm, what I'm thinking, and above all, not remembering anything about what happened when I was intoxicated. But from the time I've returned from hospital, that's what I've been doing. I'm drinking. I've never drank so much. I can't even look straight.
The bartender slides another glass over the counter. I pick it up with shaky hands. Someone beside me clicks their tongue in disapproval. I shoot the man a glare. It's Amir. My bodyguard. And right now, he isn't looking at me as an employee looks at their employer, but rather how a babysitter looks at a notorious, troubled child.
I roll my eyes. It makes my head throb so hard I wince. I clutch my head with one hand and take a sip with another.
"Stop it, please!" He grunts, reaching for the glass.
I pull away.
I want to drink until I don't remember anything anymore. Quite opposite to what I've struggled so hard for all my life. But I want to forget everything, wipe off every memory where Taranya was not mine. It's so vivid in my head. The way he called out her name, so tender, so confident, as if he knew she'd always look back at him and smile. The way he held her hand-
Fuck.
I clench the glass tightly.
It shatters. The shards pierce my skin.
My bodyguard is quick to react and the bartender helps. As he drags me out of the club, I wish I had the strength to fight him off me, because I really wanted to drink more, but I'm feeble against him.
Amir drops me in the back of the car. I sprawl across the seat, fixing my trousers lazily before I stare outside the window. The street lights run along the highway, flashes of oranges spreading into the darkness. I count each, dozing off before we can reach the palace.
Then I'm hauled out unexpectedly. My lashes flutter open, I find it hard to breath. The damn suit is suffocating. "Walk straight!"
The floor tilts and I trip. "I'm trying to!"
Amir sighs.
"If I knew becoming your personal bodyguard entails acting as your nanny once in a while, I'd have opted out of this job years ago."
"Hey!" I say, offended.
He drags me into the living room. I find his grip around my waist painful. "Stop manhandling me!" I groan and release myself from his grip, crashing to the floor immediately after. My knees take the hit. "Fuck!" I moan in pain.
"That's what you get for walking on your own!" Amir kneels next to me, drapes my heavy arm around his shoulder and lugs me up with great effort.
"I'm an adult. Adults usually walk on their own, dumbass." I snort.
"What is happening -" I look up and find Niharika on top of staircase.
Oh my God, someone needs to kidnap me. Like right now!
"Shourya!?" She screeches and comes running down the staircase. "What happened to you?" She looks me up and down, gasping loudly upon discovering my bleeding hand. "Jesus Christ, you're bleeding!" She lunges forward to take it.
I quickly wrap it around Amir's waist, holding myself up with great struggle. "Please don't leave me with her." I whisper to him.
"I know how to do first aid, let's take him to my room."
"No. I'm taking him to his room. You can bring the first aid box there."
I love you, Amir.
She sighs. "Okay fine, but be quick. Take the elevator." She grabs my bicep, and I try to move away, but she doesn't let go, tagging along until we're inside the elevator. Leaning forward, she presses for first and third floor simultaneously and then stands next to me. I drop my head on Amir's shoulder, counting the ascending numbers on the glowing screen.
The elevator opens on the first floor. Niharika asks Amir to hold the door open while she brings the first aid box. As soon as she leaves, I try to press the close button, but my brain-to-body coordination fails me.
"Stop it." Amir says tiredly when I smash all the buttons on the panel.
Unfortunately, Niharika returns in time before the elevator can close. She frowns at the glowing green buttons on the panel and casts me a glance. I look back at the ascending digits.
Having successfully dumped me in the room, Amir stands at the doorstep, watching over Niharika as she does my first aid. I don't want her help. But Amir is shit at this, which he shouldn't be since he's my bodyguard. Where did he get his training from? Sounds like a fraud company. He needs to sue them right away.
"There are still little shards of glasses penetrating your skin." She winces visibly. "I'll need something to pick them off." Hearing her, Amir walks in and pulls open the bottom of my bedside table, producing a pair of medical forceps from inside.
Niharika's mouth forms an 'o'.
"Sterilize it first." I slur out barely.
"Of course," she gets up from the ottoman and takes the forceps with her inside the bathroom. I drop my head on the headboard, staring blankly ahead.
Everything in this room now reminds me of Taranya. She's everywhere. Folding the bedsheets. Replacing the pillow covers. Chasing off the bugs. Drying her hair. Applying her lipstick. Talking, rolling her eyes, laughing, smiling, thinking, sleeping, dreaming, cuddling me, bristling at my proximity, but seconds later melting in my arms.
"You can go. Get some sleep." I tell Amir.
He glances towards the bathroom door unsurely.
"It's okay. I'm drunk, but not so much to be taken advantage of." I reassure him. "And I've Yara with me." I tap the right hinge of my glasses to activate him from the sleeping mode. "He'll alert you if he sees something wrong. Don't worry. I've troubled you enough for the night."
"Are you sure?" Brows pulled together, he looks at me worriedly.
I manage to give him a smile. "Yeah, I am. Over the years, I've learned to protect myself through the intoxication. I'd rather kill than get touched inappropriately again. I trust myself to protect me."
He sighs. "Still, I'll be on a standby mode. Let me know as soon as you sense something wrong."
"I will." I answer softly.
He leaves the room throwing a half assed goodnight my way. Shortly after, Niharika exits the bathroom, coming back to my bedside with the sterilised pair of forceps. Noticing Amir's absence, she looks up at me distractedly. "Where's your bodyguard?"
"Left." I reply.
Her eyes go wide in surprise.
"Don't. It's because he was tired."
Embarrassed, she flushes to her cheeks, and quickly looks down, finishing off the assumed responsibility. As she wraps a gauze around my hand, I sense her gaze linger on me. So, I look. She pauses briefly, her lips parting to breath manually, and she drops her gaze to my hand. I tear it off her hold, tucking the end of the gauze and clipping it securely.
"You can leave now. Thank you."
She sighs, giving me a look that says I'm ungrateful.
"I don't care how rudely you treat me, Shourya. I'm still not giving up on you." She states. I don't bother looking at her. "Especially after tonight." That catches my attention. "She's not here. Again." I clench my jaw. "She's never there when you need her." Her lips spread into a mirthless smile. "I was starting to get insecure. That morning in the gym, when I saw you both, it felt like I was punched in the guts. I felt like a fool. As if I was being lied to, manipulated and played with. But no, you were right, she really doesn't love you. And considering how she's not here right now, when you're so drunk and bleeding that you can't even walk straight, I'm more than hundred percent sure that one day, you're going to get tired of this, break it off with her, and give us a chance." Her smile gets genuine. "One day, your heart will let you know how tired it is, how painful it is to hold onto these one-sided feelings, and beg you to let go. And you'll have no choice but to listen."
"Remember those words. You might need them before me." I advise her.
She shakes her head in disbelief. "You're still in delusion." She starts picking up the mess. "The ring in your hand," I look down at my ring finger, "that's the only proof that you're married, that you've a wife. Nothing else. And once it comes off, you'll start noticing the absence of the things that were never there. Foremost, starting with your so-called wife." She jabs, disappearing into the bathroom to wash her hands.
I close my eyes when the door opens again, pretend to have fallen asleep, and sigh in relief when the main door closes. Putting off my glasses on the nightstand, I rub the bridge of my nose and drag myself out of the bed, locking the door before heading inside the bathroom to remove my lens.
The man I face in the mirror is no longer Shourya. It comes crashing down. My reality is not actually a reality. It's stolen from someone else's life, and now that he's awake, ready to live his own, I've nowhere to go.
I was never Shourya.
Not even for a moment. Not even when I was starting to believe that I was. And that feels like a slap in my face. Physically, I got free at the age of twelve, but mentally, I'm still trapped, this time in someone else's identity, living their life, pretending to be them.
Tears spring in my eyes and pour down my cheeks. I've lived like a fucking loser. All that I did as me, was never mine. Finishing my university, falling in love, running Jumbo Steels, becoming a CEO, marrying Taranya, making her my wife. It was never mine. He's awake, and that's all he needed to do to make it all his.
Is that why she's not with me right now?
She was right. I'm hopeless. I try to do everything on my conditions, and I fail, I fail miserably. Everything that I did with this name, could never belong to me, for this name never did either.
I turn on the tap as a whimper wrenches out of me. I don't want to hear myself cry. I don't want to see myself fall prey to my emotions. I don't want to feel pathetic.
I'm holed up in the bathroom until the time my tears run out. Leaning over the basin, I splash the cold water on my face, turn off the tap and wipe my face dry. It doesn't take me longer than ten seconds to go to bed and fall asleep.
It's the first time in my life to wake up with an alarm clock. I never sleep in so late. But the moment I open my eyes, I realise why sleeping was better. A stinging, sharp pain shoots through the center of my eyes, reaching all over my head. I groan.
"Fuck, this is horrible." I cover my eyes from the bright morning light. I've had migraine headaches before, but never hangovers. It's less painful but still not tolerable. I hate it as much as I hated my migraine triggers.
Burying my face in the pillow, I stay there until the throbbing in my head recedes. Then I slowly get out of the bed, take a slow, lukewarm shower, eat an apple, and immediately swallow an ibuprofen with a glass of lemonade.
It takes thirty minutes for the pill to work its effects. I take that time to get ready for the office. As I'm doing my tie in front of the dressing table, I ring a call to the Chief Minister's secretary.
"Hello, sir, how may I help you?"
"Is Mr. Chaudhary accepting any calls at the moment?"
"May I know your name, sir?"
"Rudra."
"Uh, sorry to inform you, but Minister sir is busy today. I'll let him know that you called. Have a great day ahead." She hangs up.
"Motherfucker is ignoring me." I fix the tie and straighten my collar. "Big mistake, Prasad. I gave you that throne, I can just as easily snatch it back." I smile at my reflection. And I'm good to go.
I shove my glasses in the pocket and go downstairs for breakfast. The Chairman greets me good morning, proceeding with the queries about the week long buisness trip to Scotland and USA.
The door to dining hall opens and Niharika walks in.
I take a bite of my toast. "Bugs again?"
She blanches.
"She was missing her family in Delhi. I invited her to stay over for a few days." The Chairman intrudes.
I nod, pretending to believe the bullshit. She takes a seat across from me and serves herself breakfast.
"Where's Taranya?" The Chairman inquires.
"She has to stay in Jaigarh for a few days. It's work related." I reply.
"More often than not, she spends her time outside the palace."
"She's a working woman, Dadu."
"Well, is this lady here not a working woman?" He refers to Niharika. "And a lawyer at that. Cannot get more busy. But she's always home on time. And look at how timely she comes down for breakfast. I regret letting you marry that illegitimate -"
"Dadu!" I cut him off sharply. "Please, refrain from using such words regarding my wife."
He shakes his head in disappointment. "You'll come to your senses on your own." With that, he grabs his cane and walks out of the dining hall.
I drop the toast and stalk out, ignoring the timid call over my back. Getting into the car, I head directly to the office. It doesn't take me much efforts to drown myself in work. I don't leave my busy place until late in the evening. Then I drive straight to my other busy place, where Yuvraaj is already waiting for me in his office. I swing the door open.
"That Chief Minister is ignoring me." I declare and plop down on the chair in front of his desk.
"Took you long enough."
I grit my teeth. "How ungrateful of him. I put him in that place."
"Power often makes you feel you're indestructible."
"Yeah, until you realise it has potential to destroy you as well." I scoff. "He's gotta know where he came from."
He finally looks away from the computer screen, his brows narrowed together. "What do you mean?"
"He's having problems keeping his seat. I'm going to increase those problems."
"How so?" He leans in curiously.
"The party we helped him win against have been Rajawats trusted political allies for years. I'm the CEO now. It's time I pay them visit and show them how heartfelt and strong our bond is." I smile.
He chuckles. "So, you're going to corner Mr. Chaudhary as Shourya and help him as Rudra."
I click my fingers. "Bingo!"
He nods, impressed. "That's a good plan. But race your horses a little faster, you've already wasted two months."
I groan. "Don't remind me. I'm so fucking occupied. The new finance company, the hologram, this office, I'm packed." I crack my stiff neck.
He flings off his suit jacket and wears it, "You're doing well. Great even." He tells me honestly.
"Thanks." I sigh. "Back home?"
"No, I've a few things to wrap up at the main office. I also need to check up on the deal Arush is handling." He buttons up the blazer. "It's six right now. I'll be free at seven. Meet me at the office?"
"Why?" I question. "I came here to get some work done."
"I'm shifting Shourya to our countryside farmhouse. He was hoping you guys meet. He wants to talk to you."
"Will Tara be there?"
"Yeah, she's going to get him settled before returning to Rajawat Palace."
I nod. "Alright, I'll be there."
He pats my shoulder and walks away.
I need to apologise to her. I let my jealousy win and acted worse than a possessive mutt.
That's right.
I'm going to say sorry to her.
Except, the moment I see her with him, a switch goes off in my head. And I forget everything about apologising. I can't even comprehend my thoughts around them. The longer I look at them, the angrier I get. They're natural. At least he is. He smiles, jokes, sometimes touches her hand, and even if she shrinks, freezes, it only takes her a second to relax and give in.
"Don't," Yuvraaj warns me, urging me to keep walking. I force my feet to oblige.
We enter the farmhouse behind the two, and Shourya looks around, smiling impressively at the European style modern interior.
"Let me show you the room," Yuvraaj volunteers.
"I'll set the dining table until then." Taranya smiles warmly at them.
As soon as the men disappear upstairs, I follow her to the kitchen, but stop at the threshold. She ignores me. It fucks with my mind. So I blurt out the first thing that comes into my head. "Having fun playing his wife?"
She stops, pins me with a stare. "What?"
"You guys looked very natural." I smile mockingly. "Especially when you held his hand after he stepped out of the car."
"Long drives make him nauseous, Sho- Rudra." She grits out. "Didn't I tell you not speak to me until you get your head straight? Please, leave me alone." She dismisses me by turning around to open the upper shelf.
I stride in and lock her against the counter. She stiffens. "I'm hurt." I show her my gauzed palm. She throws it a glance, then looks back outside the window that overlooks the backyard. "What happened? You concern stops at real Shourya? Nothing for me?"
She breathes out exhaustedly. "Stop. Please." She turns around to face me, her eyes begging me.
"It's not me acting as someone's husband, tending to their needs, looking after them-"
"And I'm having so much fun doing that, aren't I?" She snaps. "Had you had the guts to make me yours as Rudra, no other man would be standing in front of us claiming me as his." She sneers, pushing me back on the chest. "First accept who you really are, then go around calling me your wife. I can't entertain a man with a fucking identity crisis." She shoves me on the shoulder to get back to the kitchen island.
"As if you gave me any choice," I scoff out a chuckle.
She looks at me in disbelief. "Are you blaming me for our situation?"
"You would have never accepted me as me. I had to become him to give you the stability, the respect and the name our relationship deserves!"
She looks at me hurt. "I never asked for those things. Not even when I didn't know your face, let alone your name. I've always wanted you, even if that meant settling for less than what I deserved. It's your inability to accept yourself. It's your greed for something that was never yours that got you here. Stop blaming me."
I lower my gaze to the ground. She's right. She's always right. Fuck, I always mess up.
She turns to leave. I lean forward to hold her wrist. "I'm sorry, Esther. Forgive me, please. The jealousy is getting into my head." I step ahead and drop my forehead on her shoulder.
"Tara!" I close my eyes in annoyance hearing him call her name.
"I've to go."
As soon as my grip loosens, she pulls away and walks off, leaving me standing there alone as she goes back to him.
It's just getting worse 😩
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