'Maybe', I answer his question nervously. 'Can I talk to you? Do you have time?'
'For you, always', he says, winking at me before he makes way so I can enter his room. When I do, I realize that we're not alone. Eugene rises from a chair upon my arrival.
I haven't seen him in a while. And I remember now how I felt when I found out that he joined Negan's side. I was absolutely disgusted. I wonder what anyone from Alexandria would think if they saw me here now.
'Hello, Christina', he greets me rather formally. 'Glad to see you've accustomed yourself to life in the Sanctuary.'
'Yes', I say, feeling a little awkward. I guess I'd been avoiding Eugene a little. At first, I felt so angry at him for turning his back on his friends at Alexandria. Later, I was afraid to face the fact that I was heading the same way as him. Of course, I never stopped caring about Alexandria. But my feelings towards Negan certainly make everything complicated.
I don't know what else to say, so we look at each other in uncomfortable silence for a moment. Fortunately, Negan comes up and breaks it.
'We're gonna have to pick this up later, Eugene. I need to have a one-on-one with my doctor.'
'Of course, sir', he says, half-bowing at him. It suddenly hits me that I haven't bowed to him in a while. Not when we're alone, anyway. He hasn't said anything about it.
'Goodnight to you both', Eugene says, flicking his eyes to me for just a second. Then he's out the door, leaving me alone with Negan.
Though I've definitely been more comfortable around Negan lately... probably more comfortable than I should have been... this time, I feel nervous again. Because I'm not sure how he'll react to what I'm about to say.
'Honestly, I wasn't expecting you so soon', he says, sauntering over to me. 'I assumed you'd need some more time.'
'Well, I think I know what I want... I just need to talk to you about something first.'
'Okay', he says, looking at me questioningly. But then he reaches out to me and draws me to him.
'Why don't you come here for a second first. You don't have to be so nervous. Promise I won't get mad either way.'
I offer him a short, shaky smile before he kisses me. It does help. Some of the anxiety rushing through me seems to calm down a little now that he has his arms around me.
'Now, tell me', he says, far too soon for my liking. I take a deep breath and break out of the comfort of his arms to take a step back. I need to put some distance between us, or I'm not sure that I'll be able to withstand him if he tries to make me change my mind.
'I have been thinking about what you asked me', I tell him, stating the obvious. 'A lot.'
'And?' he asks expectantly. He looks like he wants to come closer again, but catches himself in the last moment. I'm happy he manages to hold himself back.
'And it's totally crazy', I blurt out, making him chuckle. 'But...'
I can't believe there's a but. There shouldn't be a but. But here we are.
'If you meant everything you said, I think that we could be good for each other. Like you said.'
The smile that spreads over his face makes my heart flutter for a moment. To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure that he means everything, or that it is some sort of trick, like B said. But right now, he seems genuinely happy.
'Is that a yes?' he asks, approaching me after all now. I would love to let him hold me, but I take a few steps back, because I'm not done yet.
'There's a but', I tell him, to which he stops moving closer.
'I love your butt', he says. 'One of the reasons I asked you to be with me in the first place.'
I snort in surprise, to which his grin grows wider. But I quickly pull myself together again, because I can't let him distract me.
'But I need you to know that I'm not 100% sure about this. And if I find out that this doesn't work for me, I don't want there to be any consequences if I decide to leave you.'
I have heard some things about his relationships with his wives. Some of them are with him out of convenience, but others are there because they need medication or other important things. And it all falls away if they leave him. I don't want him to hold anything over my head to keep him with me if this doesn't work out.
Negan puts his hand over his heart and takes on a serious expression.
'I'm afraid there will be consequences', he says seriously. 'You'll leave my heart in tiny fucking pieces.'
I shake my head and smile. I didn't think that this man would ever be able to make me laugh when I first met him. Now, it's one of the things I like most about him.
'I'm serious', I say, trying to look it. 'I don't want you to... take Ella's meds away, or I don't know... move us to live in a closet or something.'
'I promise', he says, looking at me more seriously now. 'You can leave me anytime you want and nothing will change for you.'
He's taken a few more steps in my direction and as always, I find myself a little in awe of him. But I stand my ground and nod.
'Good.'
'Not that it matters', he says, taking my face into his hand. 'You won't want to leave me.'
He kisses me. His mouth is on mine before I can protest and his hand is locked firmly on my jaw. With his other hand, he grabs my waist and pulls me closer. Oh, I want to give in to him. In to his touch and his kiss and dive into bed with him. But there's more I have to say.
'I wasn't finished', I say softly when he gives me a chance to breathe.
'I can make you finish', he grins, his lips still close to mine.
'Stop it', I say exasperatedly. I push him away a little to create some more distance and brace myself to tell him about my other condition.
'What is it?' he asks, taking on a more serious tone.
'I know that you told me that you brought me here because you care about me and that you can keep me safe here and all that...' I start cautiously. 'But I can't forget about Alexandria. And neither can Ella. And before you say anything, it's not that we're not loyal to you, because we are.'
Or at least, we can be. If he can agree to this, then I will do it. I will be in a real relationship with him, no pretending anymore. I'll toss our escape plans out the window. Because the truth is that I do want this. I don't want to lose the feeling that I get whenever I'm with him. It's too good to just let go of.
Ella won't be on board, of course. But I'll just have to get her there. With what I'm about to ask Negan, that might actually be possible.
My talk with B has been going through my mind all afternoon and she was right. How can we ever have a real relationship if I'm not free? I want to say yes to him, but this is the only way I'll do it. I'm going to ask him for our freedom.
'So what are you saying?' he asks warily. 'You want to go back to Alexandria?'
'No. Not permanently. But when this is all over and everyone has settled down again, I want you to let Ella and me travel freely from here to Alexandria. And back.'
Ella could be with her friends again. I could help out with any medical issues again. We could finally bring some of our stuff here, make it more of a home. Spend some days in our old house too. And most importantly, I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man that's keeping me prisoner.
But the humor has left Negan's eyes. He watches me intently, a deep frown creasing his forehead. I suck in my breath while I wait for him to answer. Fearing the worst. Hoping for the best.
'So how do I know you'll come back?' he asks after an excruciating silence.
'I guess you'll have to trust me', I tell him.
His eyebrows twitch a little. Clearly, he isn't happy about this. I wonder if it's too much. It's not that long ago that he really started to trust me. And I know I'm pushing it anytime I even mention Alexandria. But I won't be in a relationship with him if I'm not free to leave this place.
The waiting kills me. But when he finally answers, it kills me even more.
'No.'
'No?' I repeat, trying not to sound too crestfallen.
'I'm sorry, Christina', he says, grabbing my shoulders. 'I can't risk it. What if something goes wrong when you're there and I lose you?'
'Is that really the reason?' I ask him pointedly. 'Or is it that you don't want to give up your control over me?'
'This is not negotiable', he says firmly. 'If I ever let Ella go back, she'll never return. And you won't go where your sister isn't.'
'It's the same for her', I say frustratedly. 'I know she'd rather stay at Alexandria, but if I want to be here, she will come with me. If we can travel between here and there, we can both be happy.'
'And you want to be here?' he asks skeptically. I make sure to look him closely in the eye, because I am glad I can finally give him an honest answer to that question.
'Yes, I want to be with you.'
'So, be with me', he says intently. 'You don't need to go back to Alexandria. Haven't I given you everything you need?'
'Ella's unhappy', I argue. 'If she could be with her friends again, it would make her so much happier.'
'So, what? You spend half your time there, half your time here?'
'Yeah, maybe, I don't know', I respond, a bit agitatedly. 'We have time to work out the details.'
'I don't just want you half the time', he says. 'I want you with me all the time.'
The sincerity in his voice surprises me. Honestly, I really can't be sure whether this is about control or really about fear of losing me. Either way, I can't give in to him.
'But if you can't give me this, then you'll have me none of the time.'
'Christina', he snarls, sounding very frustrated. It is hard to stay strong, caught in his mesmerizing gaze. But I know I'll regret it if I say yes when he won't do this for me.
'Just promise me this, Negan', I beg him, grabbing his neck to pull him closer. 'Promise me, and I'll say yes.'
His face is so close to mine. All I have to do is tilt my head to kiss him again.
'I can't let you go back to Alexandria', he repeats stubbornly.
'Why not?' I ask him desperately. 'Don't you trust me?'
'This isn't about trust', he argues.
'Then what is it about?'
'I need you here.'
'But I need this to be happy. You told me you want me to be happy, don't you?'
He sighs in frustration and looks away from me for a second. He shakes his head softly, almost unconsciously, while he tries to come up with something to say. Finally, he looks back at me, but only to disappoint me again.
'I can't promise you that, Christina.'
I hold his gaze, hoping to change his mind with just my eyes. But no more words come out of his mouth.
'Then I can't tell you yes.'
If he won't give me my freedom, then I have to let this go. Even if I don't want to. I hold him for a moment longer and press a soft kiss on his lips.
'It could have been great', I whisper. Then I let my hands slide off of him and step out of his embrace.
Is there anything more to say? I don't know, and clearly he doesn't either, because we look at each other in silence. Finally, I nod, more to myself than to him, to indicate that I accept the way it all went. And I head for the door.
Too soon, I've reached it. I hesitate a moment with my hands on the door, unwilling to leave and make it final. Even though I know I have to. But when I press down the handle, there's a rustling sound behind me and suddenly Negan grabs my wrist.
'Wait.'
In a smooth motion, he pulls me back to him. My hands slides off the handle and soon I'm back in his arms.
'Fine', he growls. 'When things have settled down, you and Ella can travel between here and Alexandria. I promise.'
'Really?' I ask in disbelief.
'Really', he affirms, brushing his thumb over my cheekbone. 'If you promise to be mine.'
Just a few short days ago, I told myself I needed to get out before his hold on me would be too fierce. I can see now that I was lost the moment I got here.
'I'm yours.'