~A
The morning of the 13th of September found me outside his door at 9 a.m., an enormous box of fresh pastries in my arms that I was struggling to hold up single handedly to ring the doorbell. I had spent all of yesterday searching up the best bakeries in town, and the only one I could find that looked good enough was almost an hour away from his house. I didn't overthink it, because I knew I wouldn't find a way to justify why I was willing to go so out of my way. I managed to ring the bell after a bit of a struggle, and I impatiently waited for him to answer the door. My cheeks were hurting from smiling, my heart beating fast out of excitement.
It took him quite a while, and I was momentarily worried that he wasn't even here. But his bike was parked right by the door, and I highly doubted he had taken Irina for a walk this early in the morning. He was not a morning person, and I had found that out the hard way on numerous occasions.
He answered the door before I got the chance to ring the bell again, and my heart skipped at the sight of him with hair all messy and cheeks flustered, chest bare as the only thing he had on was a dangerously low hanging pair of basketball shorts. With wide eyes, brows raised high, he assessed me in confusion.
"What's wrong? What happened?" I scoffed at his questions, at the worry in his tone. Leave it to him to always assume something's wrong.
"Something has to happen for me to visit you?" I pushed past him, feeling his gaze burn into the back of my head as I quickly toed my Vans off. Irina trotted over all excited, her tail wagging and her tongue hanging out of the side of her mouth.
"During the day, yes." I threw him a glare over my shoulder at his dig, but held back from giving him a snarky response and made my way to the kitchen, eager to rid myself of the comically large box. I set it on the round table, and I turned to find him following after me.
"When were you planning to tell me your birthday's today?" I hung my backpack over the back of a chair before crossing my arms, tapping my foot impatiently. The shock on his face told me that Kat had kept her word and never mentioned the fact she had already told me about it herself.
"How did you-"
"Doesn't matter. What matters is that you were gonna keep this from me and not let me spoil you on your special day." I smiled at the way he rolled his eyes, pushing the mess of soft brown hair covering his forehead back.
"I don't need spoiling. It's really not a big deal." I rose a brow, uncrossing my arms.
"Is that so? Okay, then I guess I'll take this entire box of fresh, steaming hot pastries and be on my way. Such a waste, really." I tapped my nails onto the white cardboard, shaking my head in disapproval. A few silent moments followed, the only sound being of that of Irina breathing heavily as she sat right by his side, like she always did. When he finally talked, he did so in a small, quiet voice.
"Well, you're already here. And I'd hate for those to go to waste." A small, playful smile grew on his face, one that was impossible not to return.
"That's my boy." I pinched his cheek mockingly, and he pushed my hand away with a deep groan. I chuckled, opening the box to reveal the array of both sweet and salty bite size pastries, apple strudels and chocolate croissants being the majority since they were his two favourites.
"Have a seat. I'll make us coffee." I pulled out the chair he sat most of the times I've been here, patting the back of it before turning to go to the coffee maker.
"You'll have coffee?" He mocked, not wasting any time before sitting down at the table and reaching for a strudel.
"No, you will. I'm making myself tea." I couldn't stop smiling to myself. I was so glad my back was turned to him and he couldn't see my face.
I made him coffee first before getting started on making myself tea, and he waited until I was sat across from him before even touching his mug. Even though it was unconventional we clinked our mugs together and he sighed in contentment at the first sip of his coffee. Irina excitedly wagged her tail as the smells of all the warm pastries filled the room, most likely driving her crazy.
We both opted for something savory to start us off, the cream cheese almost burning my tongue with how hot it was. We ate in silence, enjoying our choices of drinks and sneaking Irina a few small bites of pastry dough. His stetchbook was onto the table, and I mindlessly flipped through the pages, admiring the details on some of his drawings. He had an inclining of drawing portraits, countless faces of both men and women drawn along the pages. There was another stretch of me, different from the one he had shown me before. I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride, complimenting him on it.
I was still not able to comprehend why I had to find out about what today is from someone else, why he seemed so unbothered by his birthday. I wasn't a huge fan of over the top birthday celebrations, but I did feel like everyone deserved to feel a little bit special on such an occasion.
"Why did you keep your birthday a secret?" I finally voiced the question that's been floating around in my head since Kat told me about it, grabbing his attention as his eyes flew to me from the strudel he had just picked out of the box.
"What are you talking about? It wasn't a secret." He scoffed, placing the pastry on his plate before picking up his coffee mug, taking a big sip.
"Then why didn't you tell me?" I leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms. Irina looked curiously between the two of us, as if she could sense the shimmering tension. Niall sighed, rubbing at his forehead before pushing his hair back.
"Cause it doesn't matter. It's just another day like the rest. It makes no difference to me, and it shouldn't to you either." I narrowed my eyes at him, watching him act completely unbothered as he picked on the flakey top of the pastry. There was definitely something there, a reason that wasn't letting him enjoy this day.
"Is it because you're nearing thirty?" I was half joking, though I wouldn't blame him if that was the reason behind his attitude. He scoffed, a corner of his mouth curling up just barely in amusement.
"I couldn't care less about that. Age is just a number, and I've never let it define me. I'm not planning on starting now."
"Then what is it? Why do you seem to not give two flying fucks about your birthday?" I leaned onto the table, my arms folded onto the wooden surface as I studied him in an effort to understand what it was he was feeling exactly. But like most of the time, he was vacant of any visible emotion, the walls he had built around himself still up and stronger than ever. And at that moment, all vulnerability he's even shown me seemed like it never happened, because how was this the same person that was tied to my bed, whimpering and begging for me to kiss him?
"Cause I don't. I stopped celebrating my birthday once my mother died." His revelation, the way his eyes dropped to the coffee mug he was clutching in his hands, had my throat drying up.
Of course it had to do with his mother. How was I so blinded? She was everything to him. Losing her had obviously taken a permanent toll on him, and even though I couldn't relate, I could understand him. But I still couldn't help but ask
"Why did you stop?" He glanced up at me for just a second, his gaze going past me and falling into the distance.
"My father found it useless, a waste of time, so he never acknowledged it for either of us. Kat was too young to understand his reasonings, so I still celebrated her birthday for her the best I could. But mine was soon forgotten. Annoyingly, she still insists on reminding me." He chuckled at his last sentence, taking a sip of his coffee. I just stared at him, struggling to understand what kind of a father would be so cold towards his children. But then, I painfully remembered what he would to his wife, and I felt sick to my stomach that he had to grow up with a person like that. Without even thinking about it, I reached for his hand.
"It's not a waste of time. I'm sorry you missed out on so many years." He turned his hand over under mine, giving me the ability to slip my hand into his palm. His thumb traced my knuckles, a fuzzy feeling developing low in my stomach.
"It's fine. I got used to it. It doesn't matter to me anymore." He gave me a smile, but there was something broken hiding behind it, a stolen childhood, a heartbreak so deep and incurable. I swallowed all my emotions down, trying my best to not show just how affected I was.
"It does to me. So finish your breakfast and get ready. We have a long day ahead of us." I slipped my hand out of his, picking my mug instead and hiding behind taking a sip as I attempted to control my emotions. He chuckled, picking up the almost forgotten pastry and biting into it, thick filling seeping out the side of his mouth. He didn't seem to realise, and I chuckled in amusement as I reached over and swiped my thumb over it, gathering the jelly on my finger before bringing it to my mouth. I sucked the filling off, his eyes burning into mine as he watched me.
I could feel the tension building between us, and I knew it would be so easy for the both of us to get completely lost in each other. Normally, I'd love nothing more but to give in to that tension, that growing desire. But we couldn't afford to get distracted right now, not when we had somewhere else to be.
I forced him to go upstairs and get dressed while I cleaned up around the kitchen, not that I had much to do apart from washing the mugs we used. One thing I admire about him is how clean and tidy his space always was, whether that was his house or the hotel room he'd be staying at.
He came back in jeans and a white T-shirt, an outfit so basic and simple, yet still made him look so handsome. Irina kept scratching at the door as she watched us preparing to leave, not failing to realise we were planning to bring her along. I offered to put the harness on her, which turned out to be a bit of a struggle as she kept moving around. But once I finally did we were out the door, the sun shining in my eyes and warming my skin. I put on a hat and a pair of sunglasses, a combination Niall had opted for as well, making us almost match. I cringed at that, since I always hated when couples would purposefully put on similar outfits.
Not that we were actually a couple.
We took my car and I refused his offer of driving, since he didn't even know where we were supposed to be going. I didn't wanna risk spoiling the surprise by telling him. And the look of pure confusion on his face once I parked in front of a hotel was priceless, so amusing I had to bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing. His weary gaze travelled restlessly around his surroundings as we went in, and I left him standing in the middle of the lobby while I talked to the receptionist, asking him to notify one of the hotel's guests of our arrival. He kept asking why we were here, but I refused to tell him every time and only asked him to be patient, my attention to the elevator as my heart beat fast.
The sight of Kat's and Peter's matching golden locks appearing once the elevator door opened put a wide smile on my face, and I instantly turned to Niall to gaze at his reaction. His eyes went wide, shock and disbelief written all over his face as he froze. His mouth parted, jaw going slack as he stared at his sister making her way over, carrying his nephew in her arms. He muttered something in Russian, and I silently took Irina's leash from his hands. Still in awe, he moved towards Kat, covering half the distance toward her in a wide, impatient stride until he was finally hugging his sister, Peter squished between them as they quietly talked to each other. Satisfied and proud of myself for my successful surprise, I made my way over to them along with Irina.
"Lex!" Kat broke the hug with Niall once she saw me, passing Peter into his arms before turning to me and pulling me in for a hug. Though surprised, I didn't hold back from returning it, smiling at the sight of Peter clinging onto Niall, his face buried into his uncle's neck. Niall hugged him close, stroking his blond, messy hair.
"Thank you for bringing us." Kat sighed in gratitude once pulling back from the hug, crouching down to pet Irina. Niall shook his head, rolling his eyes at me.
"I should've known." He muttered with a scoff.
"You're welcome." I responded with a sweet smile, ignoring his stare as I turned my attention to the shy young boy. Peter turned his head just enough to be able to look at me, his cheeks rosy and his big eyes glassy.
"Hi Peter, remember me?" I cooed at him, keeping my voice soft and soothing as a gently stroked his arm. He seemed to blush even more, a short giggle muffled as he hid his face again.
"Don't mind him, he'll come around. He's just a bit disoriented." Kat assured, taking Peter from Niall's arms. And even though I could tell he wasn't ready to let him go, he knew he'd feel a lot more comfortable in the arms of his mother.
"How long have you been planning this for?" Niall's eyes darted between me and his sister in suspicion, his arms crossing over his chest.
"Oh, it was super last minute, since you hadn't bothered to mention anything about your birthday to your own girlfriend." Kat scoffed, but both Niall and I froze at her words. We glanced at each other, wide eyed and unsure of how to react. I gulped, my pulse loud in my ears. This... thing between us was complicated as it was, impossible to label precisely and explain, especially to his sister. Cause what could we really tell her? That we enjoyed sleeping with each other too much to stop, but I was too emotionally unavailable to commit to him fully? Because I knew that no matter how many times I've told him that this was as far as I could go when it came to any sort of relationship, I knew he was still secretly waiting for me to change my mind.
Kat glanced between the both of us as we stood there, her gaze slowly changing from momentary confusion to annoyance. Scoffing, she pushed past the both of us, causing us to break our intense stare as she headed towards the exit.
"Oh, grow the hell up." She called to us, tittering to herself. Niall cleared his throat, turning back to me and taking a step closer. I forced myself to breathe normally again and not show how nervous I was actually feeling at that moment.
"Lex, I didn't- I mean, Kat just assumed-"
"It's okay." I cut him off, giving him a soft smile.
"I'm sure you haven't said anything to insinuate there's something here that doesn't really exist." He quickly shook his head, letting out a heavy breath.
"I swear I haven't. I'd never do something like that." My smile grew a bit wider, calmer, and he returned it.
"Are we going out or what?" Kat called out to us, already standing by the automatic revolving door. Niall scoffed at her, shaking his head before reaching for my hand, and I jolted in place at the feeling before I realised he was just reaching for Irina's leash I was holding onto. Smiling at his sister, he walked towards her. I shook my head out of my momentary daze, hating the fact that my heart skipped at the thought of him reaching out to hold my hand.
Ridiculous.
•••
"For God's sake Nikki, just let him run!" Kat complained, rolling her eyes at her brother. He had been running after Peter, stopping him each time he tried gaining some speed.
"Are you out of your mind? He's gonna get hurt!" He shouted back, nothing but pure annoyance in his face. Peter made another attempt of letting go of his uncle's hand, which failed like every other.
We had come to a park, full of kids running around, riding bikes and playing all sorts of games. It was honestly a bit chaotic, and Niall was every bit the overprotective parent that wouldn't let go of Peter's hand. Kat huffed at his response, crossing her arms as she turned to me. The two of us had settled on a park bench, letting Niall look after Peter for a while. It was his request, since he wanted to spend as much time with his nephew as possible.
"Ugh, he's so overbearing." Kat shook her head in disapproval, giving up on trying to talk to her brother by turning her full attention to me. I chuckled at her annoyance, unable to stop myself from smiling. Her golden hair, styled in loose curls, seemed like it was glowing under the sun, just like Peter's was.
"I know, imagine how he's gonna be if he has a kid of his own." I commented, glancing at them again. Kat laughed a little, nodding in agreement.
"I can understand it to some extent. Peter's motor skills aren't as developed as most kids his age, and he normally doesn't do well in loud environments. But he's fine right now. Nikki's just being dramatic as always." She shrugged, tearing her gaze from them. Peter had found interest in a batch of grass, sitting down and yanking at it with his tiny hands. Niall was crouching by his side. A calm smile I've only seen him dawn when he was with his family breaking onto his face.
"Was he like that with you too?" I turned my attention to her, eager to find out more about Niall's life. With a deep groan, she rolled her head back.
"Don't even get me started on that. The guy is a total control freak!" I couldn't help but laugh at her comment, since Niall always fought to keep up a calm and unbothered front, always giving the impression that the word stress wasn;t even in his vocabulary when the truth was far from that.
"I don't think I was allowed to leave the house after dark until I was eighteen, which was understandable considering everything that had gone down by then. It didn't stop me from sneaking out though." My mind snagged at what she said, questions exploding all over the place.
Everything that had gone down. What did she mean by that? Was she referring to her becoming a mother unexpectedly? Or did it have to do with them fleeing from Russia? I wanted to ask, to finally get answers Niall would just not give me. But I knew this wasn;t the time and place for it, in a busy park surrounded by people. I couldn't ask her to spill her deepest secrets to me like that. So instead I focused elsewhere.
"Did he ever catch you sneaking out?" I asked instead of what I really wanted to know, twisting the ring on my pointer finger. A soft, nostalgic smile broke into her round face.
"Every single time. I don't know how he fucking did it. It's like he had a sixth sense or something, hyper aware of his environment to the point where I'm convinced he could just feel my absence." She mused, tittering lightly. I laughed along, since I did find amusement in the fact that Niall always seemed to pay great attention to anything happening around him at all times. It felt like nothing could get past him, and even though I found that extremely annoying at times, I had to admit that I've never felt safer being around someone. I could be surrounded by a dozen armed bodyguards, ready to pounce on anyone that would even breathe a little weird around me. And yet, Niall was the one I trusted the most. I guess that's what comes with that sort of intimacy him and I have with each other.
I checked up on Niall once I heard the faint hint of his laughter, a sound so warm and full, so comforting and happy, it was really a great shame I never got to hear it to its full extent until our date at the beach. He was crouching right by Peter's side, his bright and cheery giggle complimenting his uncle's deep sound as he repeatedly flipped over Irina's ear, finding great amusement in something so simple. She was lying down panting after running around for so long earlier, completely unbothered by Peter's actions. I couldn't help but smile at the sight, of the three of them together. Niall seemed like he was glowing with bliss, something that had my heart feeling like it was about to burst.
"You know, I've never seen him like that." I turned back to Kat at her words, slightly surprised and very confused. And I was sure both emotions showed on my face.
"Like what?"
"Just so... unapologetically happy." She sighed, a nostalgic sort of smile on her face. Before I could even start thinking about something to respond to that, she spoke again.
"And it was about damn time. You know, I genuinely think you saved his life in a way after everything he's been through. And I've told him that. I hope he appreciates you properly." I was at a loss, my heart beating fast in a way that had slight panic take over me.
"I've hardly done anything to contribute to his happiness. The reason for that is you and Peter." I swallowed hard, squashing down the hint of stupid hope that maybe she was right.
"Oh, please Lex. You think I haven't noticed the way he looks at you? The way you look at each other when you think no one is paying attention to you?" She chuckled in amusement, but I found none of it in her words. Sighing, I twisted in my seat to face her completely.
"Kat-"
"Just hear me out for a second." She cut me off quickly, folding a leg onto the bench to face me right back. I didn't try cutting her off, giving her the chance to at least express her thoughts before trying to reason with her.
"Yes, he puts on this rough and uninviting front to keep people away, but I know him better than anyone, and I know that deep down he just wants to be loved like all of us do. He's just looking for someone willing to love and accept him for all that he is, someone willing to let him love them back just as much." I wanted to tell her that I couldn't be that person she was talking about, but the lump in my throat stopped me from doing so. She took my silence as a sign to keep going.
"He's always been fussing around trying to make sure we were safe, settled and happy. But in the process, he has completely forgotten about himself. And it's time he remembers he should take care of himself too, settle down and let someone love him. And I don't wanna put any pressure on you, but I genuinely think that someone is you." She smiled warmly, reaching over and placing her hand onto mine. I looked down at the contact, hoping my face was mostly concealed from her as I gulped and forced my voice out of my mouth.
"Kat, I can't be the one to settle down with him. Marriage and kids is not really in my plans." I didn't wanna go into detail about my medical issues, about how my past experiences with love had made me absolutely terrified of committing fully to someone. The chuckle she released caught me off guard, her hand leaving my own as she shrugged.
"Who said anything about marriage and kids? What Niall needs is a partner, a lover, an unconditional supporter. Not a wife and mother to his children. Don't get me wrong, those things wouldn't be bad either, but it's not the only thing that matters in life." Her reassuring smile brought me some much needed relief, a long sigh leaving me. I was glad she was keeping her expectations realistic and not sticking to the conventional path of what a relationship between a man and a woman should be like.
And it hit me at that moment, how my mind and body didn't instantly retaliate at the word partner, at the insinuation of a committed, possibly long term relationship with him. It would be so easy to let him love me, so comforting to have him in my life as a permanent figure. I was definitely staring to... feel things. Things that should terrify me to death and make me want to run. But in an unexpected turn of events and for the first time since Evelyn, I didn't feel like running. A question popped into my head at that moment, triggering an inner war between my heart and my logic.
Could I love Niall? Was I even capable of letting myself feel love ever again? And if I did, would I be able to live with the consequences of things not working out for a third time? Jessie betrayed me and broke my trust in a way that felt unsalvageable. Evelyn felt too ashamed of our relationship to commit to me in the way that I wanted her to, and she ended up leaving me for good. I lost her twice. I'd never be able to get her back, and that broke something in me that could never be fixed.
I knew Niall wouldn't do either of those things, and maybe it was stupid to trust him like that after being burnt before. But I had a feeling that when this ended, because I was convinced it would at some point, I'd be the one to break his heart this time around.
And I'm not sure I'd be able to live with myself if I did that to him.
•••
Peter was experiencing extreme jet lag, which made sense considering his age and the fact that this was his first ever trip across the Atlantic. He barely managed to make it through lunch before crashing and falling asleep in his uncle's arms. And honestly, Kat wasn't completely unaffected by jetlag either. So we agreed to call it a day and meet with them again tomorrow.
Niall insisted on driving this time around, and I was honestly not in the mood to do so myself so I let him. We dropped Kat off at her hotel and Peter barely woke up just for a moment to wave a faint goodbye at us over his mother's shoulder. Our next destination was Niall's house, where I'd drop him off and go straight to my label from there, since I had to be present for a meeting about my next album release. I wasn't as stressed as normal about starting the process of writing for it. I already had plenty of material and rough song drafts thanks to Niall. But I didn't want this day to be over yet, since I definitely had more things in store for him.
"So, I was thinking..." I trailed off, stealing a glance of him sitting in the driver's seat of my Range Rover, one hand casually on the wheel and the other resting on the centre console like he's driven it a dozen times. He glanced right back, the left side of his mouth evidently curling upwards as he clearly caught on.
"Yes, petal?" I forced myself to not get giddy over the nickname, especially one that used to get on my nerves.
"If you're not doing anything tonight, you should come over." I looked straight ahead, shrugging my shoulders to act cool and unbothered, like I hadn't been planning tonight extensively for the past couple of days. A deep chuckle echoed in the cabin, pure amusement in his voice when he spoke.
"Are you asking me out Lex?" I scoffed at how proud he sounded, rolling my eyes before turning to him. Having just stopped at a red light, he looked back at me.
"We're not technically going out, so no."
"Oh yeah? What are we doing then?" He rose a suggestive brow, the smile on his face only growing. I didn't let myself get nervous, determined to show him I held the upper hand today. I leaned forward, pressing a hand on his chest to keep him pinned to his seat as my lips brushed over the golden hoop on his earlobe.
"We're gonna have the dinner my chef's gonna make us, drink lots and lots of wine, and then we'll go to my bedroom. I'll put your collar on you and do some very, very dirty things to you until you're shaking with pleasure." A visible shudder coursed through his body once my lips pressed lightly under the joint of his jaw, reminding me just how exciting it is to have him putty in my hands. I never thought a few dirty words and a brush of my lips could ever have such an effect on him, but I was proud nevertheless.
Both of us jolted in place at the sound of a car horn, instantly followed by Irina's loud barking. Pulling back, I lightly laughed at the flushed state of Niall, who turned to the backseat and said something to Irina in Russian that calmed her down instantly before he put the car in drive again and drove off. His hand moved from the console to my thigh for the rest of the drive and even though he barely moved it, my stomach was still in knots. After a while, he mindlessly started humming an uplifting tune I haven't heard before, but he completely dismissed me when I asked what it was.
After dropping Niall off, I met with Louis for the meeting. He didn't fail to tease me when he found out my plans for today, smirking as he commented how I was spoiling Niall, deeming my habit of gift giving as a form of a love language. When I tried denying it, he kept listing all the birthday and Christmas gifts I've given him. From a new MacBook when his laptop broke, to designer shoes and clothes, to trips for him and his boyfriend. And even though I tried to justify that to him as a thank you for always working so hard, he didn't buy for a second that was the only reason for me wanting to get the people close to me expensive gifts.
And maybe he was right, because there was absolutely no good explanation other than that as to why I chose to get Niall a Rolex Submariner watch as his birthday gift, with a cobalt blue dial that matched the vibrant shade of his eyes almost perfectly. It was second hand, but the price tag on it was still pretty hefty. His jaw dropped when I slid the iconic emerald box next to his hand on the table after dinner, his gaze weary as he reached for it.
"Please tell me this isn't what I think it is." He looked up, eyes bright and sparkling from the wine we had been drinking. His hair was softly falling over his forehead, barely styled in a side swept way that gave him a boyish charm that had me unable to look away from him. I had asked him to dress up for tonight, but the once pristine black button down he had showed up in had been unbuttoned enough to reveal the thin chain around his neck, along with a good amount of his chest. He had rolled the sleeves up, and I never thought I'd find veiny forearms as attractive as I did his.
"Open your present pretty boy, and you can show me how grateful you are for it later." I took the last sip of wine left in my glass, and I held back from refilling it immediately. He took a second to look down at the box in his hand, nibbling on his bottom lip before he gave in and pulled the golden ribbon to undo it, dropping it onto the table before opening the box to reveal the watch inside. He stared at it, and I smiled in pride to have managed to catch him completely unprepared for once. Shaking his head in disbelief, he closed the box and slid it back towards me.
"Thank you, but I can't accept this." His voice was lower than usual, his confidence gone. I scoffed, forcing the box back towards him.
"Yes, you can. It's not that big of a deal." He sighed deeply, well aware that once I was set on something, changing my mind was nearly impossible. I could see his Adam's apple bob in his throat as he opened the box again, running a finger over the cold steel of the watch.
"This is way too expensive Lex. Why did you get me something like that?" He looked up, his question catching me completely unprepared. I didn't have an answer, so I opted to reach for the bottle of wine and pour myself another glass to win myself some time. Shrugging, I leaned back in my chair and smiled at him, deciding to use the words he once told me right back at him.
"In case things go bad."
⁜⁜⁜
Happy Holidays everyone!
Just wanted to pop in and say thank you for being so patient with me taking so long between updates.
I do plan on finishing this book, so don't worry. It might just take a bit longer than anticipated.
Thanks for reading!
~M
P.S. Ai is a golden tool for writers.