This isn't fair, none of it is.
We were okay, things were getting
better, everything was
supposed to be okay, but he's gone,
why won't he come back?!
One week, seven days, one hundred
and sixty-eight hours, ten thousand
and eighty minutes, and counting...
He's been gone for one week, I have
been stuck in Russia, in our house that
is filled with more guards than usual.
Nobody has answered my calls
or shown up here, not even Louis.
I've cried all I can, I haven't drank or smoked, and I have barely eaten,
I don't have the energy for most of it.
By most of it, I mean getting up out
of bed and knowing
I can't do anything to help anyone.
The line rings, and I don't expect
a response I've called him so much,
and each time the
line rings before going to voicemail.
I hear the beep and
I try to beg him again.
I exhausted most of my vocabulary
for someone who probably won't hear it.
But some form of hope mixed
with denial pushes me
to repeat this destructive cycle
"It's me, again- I called you every
day, sometimes multiple times,
I don't know what else I can do-"
My voice breaks, and I attempt to pull myself together "Just tell me what to do
and I will, I mean it- I just- I can't do this without you- I don't want too, please,"
My mouth dries and I struggle to
breathe properly, I somehow feel
so many emotions and not one of
them is enough to help me survive
I hang up the phone, unable
to keep my composure.
I don't want to believe he's gone-
I don't want to exist where he isn't.
Things were finally starting to feel okay.
I should know by now that my happiness will never last, as stupid as it sounds
the world doesn't enjoy my happiness.
But Aleksander shouldn't have suffered,
If I could go back I would let
Max kill me so I could avoid this pain.
All of the weapons have been removed
from the house, and the alcohol,
almost anything I could use to hurt
myself isn't on the property, it's like he knew he wouldn't be coming back home.
If he did know he should've
told me, we had plans. we talked
about our future and goals; most
of them will now go unfulfilled.
He can't be dead, can he?
Xavier told me he walked out with
a man, I don't know what happened
before that or who the man was.
Maybe he's just busy, that's why he
isn't responding, and Xavier doesn't
know where he is, I'm sure there
is a good explanation for that too.
I feel my lower stomach start
to cramp up, which makes
sense because the lack of food.
Then I start to feel like I'm going to
throw up, I really need to eat something,
but I'm afraid I'm going to throw it up.
I run into the bathroom and sit down
by the toilet, hoping this
feeling will pass, when he comes back everything should be okay.
Why would he leave
without telling me?!
He has to know what this would do to
me; he went through something similar.
Everyone told me he was acting crazy
when people thought I was dead.
Why am I even thinking this way?
He's not dead, he wouldn't just
walk away and die, that's ridiculous.
The feeling rises into my mouth
and sure enough, I throw up in
the toilet. I stop for a moment at
a poor attempt to breathe, but
then more things leave my system.
My body thinks I'm suffocating
so my reflexes fight to breathe,
I push myself up while trying to stop throwing up, nothing is working.
Finally, it stops, leaving me
with a disgusting taste in
my mouth and tears in my eyes.
More tears leave my eyes, not
because of the physical pain
I was feeling, but because of
the mental pain that won't stop.
I have nothing to release all of these feelings on. No one talks to me,
I can't find any weapons, or drugs,
I have nothing, I'm alone.
My whole body hurts, the pain
is bearable, I just don't want to
experience it by myself.
Aleksander should be here, I feel
ridiculous for believing that;
After all of this time wishing he
would go away, he finally does
and now I want to take back every
single time I told him to leave.
I find myself picking up
my phone again, I press his contact
and wipe away my tears.
The basic message sounds through
my ear and I realize that I've never
wanted someone to have a custom voicemail until now.
I know his voice, I imagine it's
him instead of a robotic voice,
somehow doing that makes
me feel good and bad all at once;
The emotions feel like I'm in the
ocean and every time I try to
breathe another strong wave crashes
over me and I'm drowning again.
If he left on his own was there
something I could've said to make
him stay? Was there a way I could
convince him to stay here with me?
If he knew I felt this way, I was going
through this pain, would he have left?
Without him, what is all of this?
I finally get what he meant when
he said "None of it means anything
without you" I just thought it
was a typical cringey thing you say to
a person you're with, but not to me.
None of this really means anything
without having him with me;
I don't care about the rich lifestyle
or any type of luxury; they
don't give me the feeling he does,
He's like ecstasy, bad for you,
but purely euphoric.
I'm mad at him for leaving, but I'm
more mad that he left without me.
For a moment I completely forget I'm supposed to be leaving a voicemail.
"Hey, I know I have called you too
much, at this point, I'm questioning
if it's even worth it." I weakly
laugh and feel tears sting my eyes
"Aleksander, I need you- I don't-
I don't know how to do this, I have
nothing- if I did something we can
figure it out, I will try to be different"
The tears run down my neck and
don't stop leaving my eyes "I'm
terrified, and I don't know- any of
this- or what to do, I can't stop it."
I move the phone away from my
mouth and try to breathe
normally; I need to stop crying,
I know it's not helping anything.
None of this is helping anything,
he's probably not even getting
these, I still have the urge to beg
him to come back, so I give in.
"Please, Aleksander, I love you
so much, please come home,"
I hang up the phone and feel pain
pricking my stomach and head.
Black dots start to appear in
my vision and I feel like
I'm going to throw up again.
I lay against the bathroom floor
and close my eyes, unable to keep
them open or deal with the pain.
•~~~~~~~~~~❀❀❀~~~~~~~~~~~•
"You're awake!" The short, dark-haired woman says with a smile.
I squint my eyes, trying to adjust
to the bright light shining on
my face, and the beeping in my ear.
When I open them fully, I look
around the room and I notice
the hospital looks similar to the
one I was in when I got shot.
One blue stripe is painted on the wall,
the rest of the wall is white, most of
the room is white and silver furniture.
I look beside me when I feel a strong
hand take mine "What happened?" he
questions the doctor in a heavy voice
Aleksander, he's here, everything is
okay now, I'll be fine, all of this is going
to be okay, I need to know what
happened to him, he looks normal,
perfect, clean, effortlessly attractive.
"Aleksander?" I question, not believing
this is real, I was terrified
of thinking he wasn't going to come back, but he is next to me, holding my hand.
He looks at me and smiles, the eye
contact reassured me and I practically
jump out of bed, lunging toward
him,and pulling him into a tight hug.
"You're here!" I state more than ask,
but I keep the question in my mind,
he doesn't answer it, probably
assuming I was just excited he's back.
"I promised I would keep you safe,
I told you I wouldn't leave you."
I smile and nod, this still feels unreal.
I know he was only gone for a week,
an excruciatingly long week,
it could've been a year for all the pain
I felt in every moment he was "missing"
"I love you, I missed you so much,
where did you go?"
He stands up carefully, not up straight because he's still holding me;
He lowers me back onto the bed
"Don't worry, everything is okay"
He brushes my hair away from my
face and tucks the loose strands behind
my ears "Aleksander, are you okay?"
He nods and kisses my cheek
"What happened?" He asks,
glancing at the doctor.
Before she could explain, I hear loud
yelling echoing through the halls.
Aleksander turns around,
his hands leave my body and he swiftly walks to the hospital door.
"No!" I practically shout. he can't
leave again, I need him here,
I don't want to be alone again.
I suddenly feel a sharp pain in
my stomach, chest, and head.
"Aleksander, please, I need you" I start to
feel tears stinging my eyes, he can't leave again, I still don't know what happened.
He turns back to me briefly and speaks
in a tone that I haven't heard since we
were in Germany, he's so cold. "I'm not letting me you get hurt, don't try to leave."
Suddenly things make more sense.
I start to feel sick and even though
this is my mind I feel like
I'm going to throw up, I still want to
fight for him to stay with me.
He walks out of the room, leaving
the door open behind him.
I get up, trying to follow him, before
I can, his body falls onto the floor
and blood starts pooling around him.
I realize why in the next second,
when the ringing fills my ear and I see
the blood soaking through his suit.
I fall onto my knees and feel tears run
down my face, then I feel a cold metal
gun pressed against my temple.
Everything goes black and I feel
like I can't breathe for a moment.
Weight is lifted off my body after
staying there for a few moments,
I open my eyes and push myself up.
Not paying attention to the people
around me but just trying to survive
the past few moments
"Everything is okay, Marceline, we
need you to stay awake and breathe."
I look beside me and catch sight
of Izabella standing next to Xavier,
and next to him is a short man
with dark grey hair, brown eyes, brown wrinkled skin, and wearing a grey suit.
"What happened?!" I ask, louder
then I meant to. Everyone looks
at each other with wide eyes, everyone except me. I just want an answer.
Xavier clears his throat and looks at the doctor "Well, I found you on the bathroom floor when I came in here-" I look and realize we're in the medical room that's located in my house.
"-I got the doctors to come in but she wanted to wake you up before giving
you a check-up, then you started having
a heart attack and screaming at nothing."
He looks down and runs a
anxious hand through his hair.
Izabella nods and looks directly
at me "You were shaking and
we couldn't wake you up," that's
embarrassing for me; actually, no, I'm
in too much pain to be embarrassed.
The short man whispers something
to Xavier and nods while he speaks.
Izabella leaves the room without
saying anything else, leaving me
with the man and Xavier.
"What is it?" I ask, hoping they'll give
me an answer and stop staring at me.
The man keeps a blank face and stares
at me while Xavier
looks sympathetic and talks to me like
I'm a child "Funeral arrangements, we
are doing them after your appointment."
Russian men are always so bossy,
I would tell him no, just to annoy
him but that wouldn't be beneficial
for either of us; maybe I should
except the reality of the situation.
He's not coming back and there is
nothing anyone can do to change that.
I nod my head and they both do
the same before leaving me
in the room, questioning what kind
of sickness I obtained now.
A tall woman walks in with
a tall man, why is everyone so tall?
They have to be at least five-ten.
The woman smiles at me and gives me
a rundown on what we're going to do
and how it will feel, also to tell her if I'm experiencing an extreme amount of pain.
First, she asks me what happened
in the bathroom, so I tell her,
and both of us believe it's because
of my lack of food but
both of the doctors want to be sure.
Now she's running this weird device
over my stomach and
asking me if I've been to any doctors recently or done any drugs.
I tell her about the man I saw before
we went to Germany, not what
he did that wasn't a medical procedure.
She looks at the man and gives him
a nod, making him walk out of the
room, it kind of makes me
uncomfortable because I don't know if
he's grabbing something or just leaving
If so why is he leaving?
The woman notices my anxiety
and tells me he went to go grab
one of her notebooks from her car,
which I find strange but I'm not
a doctor so I don't say anything.
"So he gave you a standard
checkup and the birth control
in your right arm, correct?"
She questions, attempting to sound
calm and polite, however, I'm naturally intimidated by Russian and German accents so it doesn't work very well.
Her features stay calm though,
so I look into her eyes
and try to keep a calm persona
"Yes-" I point to the birth control
"-he put it in my arm, I'm pretty
sure it last two or three years."
The doctor smiles and nods her head
The room falls silent while she looks
at the screen and carefully moves
the device "What is your name?" I ask, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
She stops the device at
my lower stomach, running
her plastic gloved hand over the
cold gel she put on my stomach.
"I'm Doctor, Morozov." I nod my head 
and watch the screen she's looking at,
it's black, white, and that
odd mint-blue color; it's pretty blurry
so I couldn't tell you what's happening.
Inside our stomach looks so weird
though, imagine how gross it would
look if they showed the real colors.
Ew, I'm sorry for
making you think of that.
"Mrs, Petrov." She smiles, showing
her shiny white teeth and
a happy look in her eyes "We need to remove your birth control."
I think not "Excuse me?" I say
with a fake laugh, hoping she
doesn't hear my anxious tone.
"You're pregnant, Mrs. Petrov, for a few weeks now-" I cut her off "How?" My
voice is showing my anxiety increasing.
"Have you had sex recently?" She asks.
I smile and look down, my face heats
up remembering the first time in the
car, and then the second time in the
car, and inside the house before that.
"Why have I been experiencing so
much pain?" That can't be healthy,
what about the drinking and smoking,
I need to quit all of it right now; I don't
want to cause any permanent damage
The more I think about it, the more
I realize this is all I have left of
Aleksander; it's strangely comforting.
Of course, I'm still anxious,
I've been a borderline alcoholic
besides the last week of my life,
and a human being, a person is
growing in me, this feels so surreal.
While the idea of pregnancy
scares me in general, I'm not
as upset as I would've been a few
weeks ago, I'm somewhat happy.
Somewhat anxious,
but strangely happy.
Until I remember I'm going to be
raising this baby by myself,
he, she, or they won't know Aleksander, how he looked or spoke.
In all of my wildest thoughts for
my future; I never thought I would
have to be a single parent, and go
through the whole pregnancy alone.
Any happiness that I received
for only a moment fades away
and I face my depressing reality
___________________________
𝟧 - 𝟤 - 𝟤𝟢𝟤𝟥
𝖸𝖾𝗌- 𝖨 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝖻𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝗉𝖾𝗈𝗉𝗅𝖾 𝖽𝗈𝗇'𝗍 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾
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