Then
It doesn't feel the same, but we've made it to the end of the press tour and tomorrow I'm flying to Texas to film my next movie. I should feel excited, but despite all of it - knowing that it's going to be two months until I see her again quite frankly hurts. So much so that I've been sitting here in the hotel room before our big wrap party and I'm three mini bottles down.
I've not been alone with her since Paris, it's been fine but it hasn't been what it was. In rare moments I see a little bit of her wall fall down and I see the light there, a soft part of her show that makes me think that perhaps she is acting too. But surely she knows that I like her, why else would I have kissed her? And so if she felt the same she wouldn't need to put up a wall.
I've spoken to my therapist about it of course, I had to. But it doesn't mean that I was ready for his practical solutions and not to spend all my time thinking about it. Of course not. I'm not quite that advanced at life yet.
Instead, I'm thinking of ways to speak to her before I go. Tell her that I'll miss her whilst I'm gone - and that I'm not sure what happened but I would do anything to kiss her again. I fucking fall asleep to re-living that fucking kiss, and how it felt for me to have my arms around her, touching her perfect body.
Stop it Tom. Stop torturing yourself.
I'm two drinks into our party, and thought I was doing okay - until she walked in. I've seen her looking beautiful night after night after night on this tour, and yet something about tonights dress has touched me in a new place. Something about that touch of collarbone on show, the curve of her back - it's a red dress with these little cut out bits all over it and I feel like it's just tempting me.
Jacob's giving me a look that makes me think he isn't as unaware as I perhaps had convinced myself he was. "No one you can focus on at home?" he says simply, like somehow he knows that I'll never have her and that I'm pining about it. I shake my head, "I mean, not really - there was a girl before we started filming, but I don't know".
I do know actually. She isn't Zendaya.
He laughs, "I don't have many solutions for you. But we can continue to drink, and maybe even get a spot on the playstations in the corner in a bit if you fancy a game of FIFA?"
The man knows me well and I appreciate it, "Mate, if we cant get a spot on the playstations I think no one else has a chance" I joke, taking another drink and chugging it. I no longer have to do any talking about the movie, so I can get as drunk as I'd like and it won't be an issue.
I'm too drunk when she finally makes her way over to us, I'm surprised at how well she has avoiding coming over here all night. Using her Disney training working the entire room before coming to sit on the sofa where I'm sitting with Jacob and a few of the crew that we've ended up spending lots of time with. She's with Law of course, he smiles at me before she does.
"Hey guys, you're not mingling at all" her voice is soft. Jacob laughs, "Dude, we've done all our chatting and mingling, we're getting zoooted". He's drunker than I am, and that's quite a challenge given that we just did three rounds of shots with the boys after I lost a drinking game. It's clear that Zendaya is surprised about that, her eyes meet mine and I know she's wondering whether I am in the same place. Within a few seconds I see her realisation that I am.
Does she know it's because of her?
I try and act a bit more sober, "Come have a drink with the fun lot then" I say, I swear I just spoke in a cockney accent. Maybe not so sober after all.
Law excuses himself and she takes a seat next to me, can she feel the energy between us still? "I'm so glad it's over" I say, breaking the ice, "as you can probably tell". She laughs, "Me too, this last week has been brutal" she looks over to check if the boys are listening, they aren't. "You're leaving tomorrow right - to film?"
I nod, "Yeah, I'm off to Austin. It will be weird, but good. You're going straight to film the new TV show aren't you?". We've already had this conversation, but I assume maybe she's building up to something.
I wait the long five minutes of slightly menial chat until she does. "I'm sorry" is how she starts, "for how I shut off in Paris". My heart is beating at three times the normal rate. Fuck. Can she see my thoughts all over my face?
"Maybe it wasn't the best place for me to do that, sorry" I say, but I'm not saying I sorry I did it, and I guess she's not either. She smiles, "I don't want us to go back to that house and it feel weird Tom, we have too long to go of these movies for that". I feel the same.
"I don't either Z" I reply. I want to say more but I think I should wait until we get back to Atlanta. It may hurt too much to sow a seed of hope right now when I'm not going to see her for a few months.
"Okay good" she places her hand on my thigh for just a moment and the look in her eyes lights me on fire.
There goes the no hope.
Now
Sometimes I think about the things that I thought I'd be able to do and laugh. Not even a month ago was I so adamant that I wouldn't let Marvel or Sony get in the way of Z and I and I'm now sitting in a room with my manager and the head of PR at Sony and it's clear that I have a lot to learn.
Z is in a room next door having an identical version of this conversation I'm sure.
"Tom, we're simply asking if you want to declare to us anything about your relationship with Zendaya?"
Troy is his name, and his sidekick Rita is next door. I look at my manager.
"Troy, there is nothing in any of the many contracts that Tom has signed as part of his movie deal and subsequent franchising that requires any notification of relationship status, whether that be with a co-star or not. Therefore, I have to ask - why is this meeting even happening?" Rose is a badass, I love her ability to be frank and so diligent when it comes to all things legal.
"Quite simply, we want to understand whether there are going to be additional controversies that may effect the publication and profitisation of this franchise" he answers. I genuinely don't understand what he just said.
"So you're worried that if they are together they may break up and it will cause drama and potentially stop them working properly together?" Rose replies. Ah. That's what they're worried about.
"Precisely" Troy replies, he's still looking at me and I've not said a thing.
"Troy I don't seriously need to tell you how many professional actors have been able to work together on film and TV shows after breaking up. I'd hope given the size and success of this series so far, we aren't doubting whether these two, albiet young, actors, are anything but hugely professional?" her voice is calm.
She is good.
Troy looks impressed for a second, "Absolutely no doubt about that Rose". She stands up next to me, "Then let's not talk about this again. Meetings about social media, about press tours, about everything contractually involved in this amazing movie - I am all ears, but I'm also a manager that protects my peoples rights to live their lives too, and so please ensure that all that wanted this meeting to happen know that discussions around their personal lives, and whoever they date - aren't an agenda point".
I stand up and follow her out, feeling a bit guilty for my silence I turn around, "See you tomorrow Troy"
I get a smile back, so I think he gets it. Maybe they were just trying to push their luck.
When I finally see Z back at the house I'm pleased to know that her manager attacked the conversation in the exact same way as mine, although now that I think about it I assume that they both discussed it beforehand anyway. I kind of forget sometimes that it's their jobs, that they literally spend all day sorting out our contracts, PR obligations, future film negotiations - all of it.
"You guys fancy takeout tonight?" Z is in an oddly good mood, but then to be fair we do have two actual days off in a row - so we're all a little chirpier than normal. Jacob is nodding and standing up before I have the chance to. "Guys we have two days off, let's get food and let me get the cocktails going?"
I laugh, Z isn't really a big drinker when filming, and obviously - I mean I do drink, as I proved, but when I'm playing a superhero with his shirt off multiple times, I do tend to have to be pretty good with myself. Then again, next weeks scenes are pretty basic I think. I can tell Z is understanding what my thought process is and laughs at me.
"Yes" I reply, "shall I invite some of the gang over?"
The gang being the crew members that we hang out with at least twice a week, they're the same age as us and we've hung out as a group since the first movie. It's funny because I'm sure the public would find it crazy to know that our closest friends are people that they will never know the names of. But that's the cool thing about movies, something you only appreciate when you're in them - that there is literally so much that goes into them.
It's as a result of this decision that at 10pm I'm lying in bed with a drunk and giddy Zendaya and the both of us aren't fully able to concentrate at the episode of Grey's anatomy that we're meant to be watching. It's become a new soothing tradition for us, we're obsessed and watch an episode a night, and binge it when we have days off.
"I guess there's a benefit of us only having been like this in the last movie" Z says softly. I look down at her, confused, I don't see any benefits. I raise my eyebrows at her, waiting for a response. "That if we'd started this, you know, like this - when we were filming one and two - well we'd have run out of Greys episodes way back" she replied, as if the answer were obvious. I laugh, to be fair, it's a true point. We're only on season four, and the fact that we have so many to go is comforting to me.
She's quiet for a bit more before she looks back up at me, neither of us have spoken about todays meetings. "They've been making plans for if we break up you know?" the look of concern in her eyes brings me a comfort - she does not want it to happen. I nod, "Rose said something about it today - it's their job Z, even if we don't talk to them about it - they have to think about these things". I know it's probably not what she wants to hear, but I understand the rationale behind it.
"For the record" I've decided to add, just in case it's not clear, "I would move mountains, would go above and beyond for us. I know what I feel for you is rare". It seems to have helped, because she's smiling at me, drunken tears in her eyes, "Okay good, so we're in agreement - no breakups?"
I laugh.
She's all I ever wanted.