JP: Is five a lot of followers?
Russo: Depends on the context.
Russo: On Instagram? No, not a lot of followers.
Russo: In a dark alley? Yes, a lot of followers.
Russo, after getting a job as a life guard: Hmm... I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are..
JP: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING!
Russo, looking over JP's shoulder: You can draw?
JP, stopping what they were doing: You can speak?
Russo: They don't make them like me no more. I'm the last of my kind.
JP: Thank god.
Russo: JP, remember when you said you weren't going to interfere with my love life?
JP: No, that doesn't sound like me at all.
JP, handing out popsicles: Which flavor do you want?
Russo: Blue flavor!
JP: Uh, you mean Blue Raspberry?
Russo: Blue flavor! Blue flavor!
JP: Blue is not a flavor!
Russo: BLUE FLAVOR!
Russo: Are you this rude to everyone?!
JP: Yup.
JP: Don't think you're special.
JP, to Russo: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?
*At the police station*
JP: Hi, I'm here for Russo.
Police officer: Who's Russo?
JP: Ah, you must be new.
Russo: Hand me the people opener.
JP: ...
JP: Pardon?
Russo, annoyed: The people opener! Just hand it to me!
JP, stressed: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PEOPLE OPENER?
Russo: How do you not know what a people opener is? Its pointy- you know? With a handle?
JP: Knife. It's called a knife.
Russo: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?
JP: wHat?
Russo: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.
JP: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?
Russo: Life is like JP. It's short.
Russo: That's the longest worm I've ever seen.
JP: That's a snake.
JP: Thanks for opening my message and not responding.
Russo: All good bro, any time.
JP: Fuck you.
Russo: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I've ever done.
JP: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.
Russo: They're not.
JP: Haha, very funny.
Russo: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?
JP: No... what happened?
Russo: ...Why would you fall for this again-
JP: What's the straightest thing you've ever done?
Russo: *sighs*
Russo: I killed a man.
JP: How do you want your coffee?
Russo: Black, like my soul.
JP:
JP: Russo, your soul is a latte.
Russo, shooing JP away: Can you go be depressed over there? You're bumming out my whole area.
Russo: Is the pink panther a lion?
JP: Say that again but slower.
Russo: I don't get it.
JP: He's a PANTHER.
Russo: Is that a type of lion?
JP: No, it's a fucking panther.
Russo: *googles panther* They aren't pink?
JP: AND LIONS ARE?!
Russo: I've organized your messages into three categories.
Russo: "From JP"
Russo: "Death Threats"
Russo: and "Death Threats From JP"
JP: I'm sad.
Russo: Don't be sad, because sad backwards is das.
Russo: And das not good.
JP: Why do you not believe that ghosts are real?
Russo: Never seen one.
JP: Okay, I mean, there's a lot of things that you can't see that are real.
Russo: What can't I see?
JP: You can't see gravity. That's real.
Russo: Yeah, I can drop an apple.
JP: Fuck.