I slept most of Sunday morning or, at least, languished in my bed. Mostly out of exhaustion but with an added bout of intense anxiety.
I blamed the drink. And Lucius. And Minerva. Mostly Minerva really... but Lucius too.
The cooking had been fine, I liked it, Draco's barbeque was perfect, just the right size for such a big party. There was a steady supply of beer as I cooked and that too was fine, I didn't over do it, just enjoyed myself as I worked. And because I wasn't the centre of attention, I could just get on with turning burgers and sausages and listening to the conversations and laughter flowing around me and the music from the radio drifting out from the kitchen. And Teddy was climbing from lap to lap having attention lavished upon him. It was great.
It had all been going very well until I sat down at the extended table on the patio and Mr Kreacher had produced some exceptional quality wine. I suppose it was the same as the hero thing: it's easier to be "doing" than stopping afterwards and thinking about things and performing to expectations when everyone's looking at me and asking me questions and generally sticking their nose in where it isn't bloody wanted.
I'm not sure how it happened but I ended up sitting between Draco and Luna on one of the garden benches that I'd fixed earlier. We'd brought the benches up because we needed the additional seating for all twenty-six of us, though Victoire sat on Bill's lap and Teddy sat on my lap for most of the meal. That was before Dromeda and Cissa took Teddy and Victoire up to Teddy's newly decorated bedroom and put the two very tired three-year-olds into one bed to sleep until home time.
I didn't want to question how it was that Draco and I always ended up drifting together. I liked to think that Luna and I offered him a security as much as Draco and Luna seemed to be able to tell exactly when it was that I was on edge and struggling.
And perhaps he should have been with Blaise and Pansy or with his parents but the table wasn't that divided and Narcissa and Dromeda now seemed inseparable with Teddy often cuddled against 'Aunty Cissa' as much as me. And Pansy was practically sitting on George's knee anyway and Blaise and Gin, well, they were joined at the hip, much to Ron's discomfort. It wasn't actually that Ron disapproved of Blaise, they had bonded over food and Quidditch over time, it was just that Ron couldn't cope with the thought of his youngest sibling growing up and finding their way in the world. He couldn't help being rather protective of them. He never had coped with that when I think back to our Hogwarts days and when Gin started dating. It must have been hell for him that I got together with them. He hid it well, but I can imagine, after the fact, that it would have been more uncomfortable that it was me over anyone else. We knew each other too well, we shared everything... well, most things. I hadn't really ever talked to Ron about me and Gin but he must have guessed in the same way as I knew about him and Hermione. It made me cringe to think about.
Anyway, I suppose it wasn't surprising that, as the evening drew on, talk turned to me and what I was doing next and I felt a familiar pressure building. I couldn't answer, I didn't know the answers. I just knew I didn't want to be an Auror. Or an Entrepreneur. Though I liked the financial involvement; that felt useful and exciting.
As the conversation became more involved, more probing, I felt Draco subtly shift on one side, and, to my surprise, then his hand rested firmly on my thigh under the table and his leg pressed against mine, because he must have guessed I needed that support. Though to anyone else, he must have just looked very relaxed as he leant back in his seat. On my other side, Luna squirmed closer on the bench, her arm linking through mine and she actually rested her head on my shoulder. It helped me breathe, just having them both there and that physical contact. And I know people watched me, trying to work the situation. I suppose it must have made an interesting picture, me with my raven-black hair, sandwiched between the two cousins with the white-blond hair of the Malfoy gene. I suspected, if not hoped, that no one had noticed that Draco had his hand beneath the table on my leg. And, for those who didn't know any better about me, there must have been an assumption that Luna and I were together but neither of us moved to break the illusion. It worried me that the Gala Dinner would only reinforce this image because I knew the day would come when I would have to break the news about my sexual preferences and I feared the response that I'd get. Not from the outside world, but from the people sat around my table. I feared rejection from those I loved most in this world.
'But you must have an idea, Harry,' said Molly in that well-meaning way of hers.
'Not really,' I said, feeling defensive.
'Have you considered teaching?' said Lucius.
I hadn't, despite the bits and pieces I'd done while abroad. Somehow that felt different. And perhaps it was the wine but I think I must have sat up at that suggestion.
'I did like teaching Defence in the fifth year,' I said carefully.
'You were bloody ace, mate,' said Ron.
'Actually, you were. A real natural,' said George. 'I can't imagine many fifth years being accepted as teachers for sixth years, especially with Fred and me, but we learnt so much that year.'
'What do you mean?' asked Narcissa.
'Harry gave extra-curriculum classes in Defence after the Ministry tried to control Hogwarts—' George answered.
'Shall we move on from talking about that year?' I suggested, all too aware it had ended in Lucius's arrest and Draco being forced to take the Dark Mark. 'The less I think about Umbridge, the better.'
'I've been noticing, Harry,' said Lucius, 'how natural it is for you to deal with Dark Arts and Dark Creatures without a second thought. But you share your knowledge too, you have a way of explaining, even when you're teaching me about the bloody petrifying Kappa in the top-floor bathroom...' he smiled sheepishly and I grinned in return. 'It's a lesson I won't forget.'
'He really had you going superbly,' said Narcissa with a wicked grin.
People were looking quizzically between us so Narcissa explained how her Grandfather liked to collect items from his travels to the Orient, including this horrific taxidermy piece of the Kappa that he'd always kept in the ghastly top-floor bathroom. And Dromeda was laughing about the Kappa and telling us all how frightened of it they'd all been as children when they had to stay and had to use the bathroom at night. Then Narcissa explained how I'd persuaded Lucius that we shouldn't go in that particular bathroom because this flesh-eating creature was living in the bath and making its way through a ton of cucumbers a day.
People had a good giggle at Lucius's expense.
'Yes, yes,' mumbled Lucius good-humouredly, 'bested by Harry bloody Potter again. I tell you, you all need to watch him. He's very good at spinning a tall tale.'
There was visible delight that Lucius could laugh at himself and perhaps we were all beginning to see a better side to one another; an aspect that had been missing before the war. And as I watched Arthur top up Lucius's wine glass, I couldn't help thinking back to the beginning of second year when Arthur and Lucius had practically ended up in a fist fight in Flourish and Blotts. It all seemed a world away and slightly surreal and pathetic now.
'You should have seen Harry earlier,' Draco said. 'He and Dusty had Bubble-head Charms over them and had their bums in the air and their heads submerged in the ornamental pond. He was teaching Dusty about Grindylows like it was the most natural thing in the world to do.'
'And we all had a lesson in dealing with garden gnomes,' said Lavender. 'It was incredible fun and Harry taught us a new spell at the same time. One he'd learnt in Australia.'
Minerva was watching me closely. 'You do realise I still have an opening for a Professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts again.'
I must have blanched. I certainly felt sick at the thought. 'I haven't even got any bloody qualifications,' I said.
'Apart from defeating the most powerful wizard our world has seen,' said Pomona Sprout.
'That's a fairly major tick in the right box,' said Lucius.
'It doesn't mean I can teach a syllabus I didn't even sodding complete myself.'
Draco flexed his fingers against my thigh and I took a deep breath, knowing trouble was brewing. Especially when Draco leant closer and whispered in my ear, 'you do realise that my father is a Governor at the School again? He will know Minerva's looking for a Defence teacher.'
'I wondered why it felt like he was interviewing me earlier today,' I whispered back.
Minerva frowned. 'You could, potentially, sit your N.E.W.T. next week. The year sevens have already completed their papers but I'm sure I can arrange it. We normally have a contingency for those who can't sit in June for one reason or another. It wouldn't be the first time. I could organise it with the Department of Magical Education. Despite the short notice, I'm sure they'd oblige, for you.'
'I haven't studied for over four years. I haven't sat a damned exam since my O.W.L.s. And I certainly haven't looked at the N.E.W.T. topics since I left school.' I could tell my voice was unnaturally high.
'The syllabus,' said Minerva, suspiciously rooting around in her bag and pulling out a sheaf of papers.
'That you just happen to have on you,' I said with narrowed eyes.
Draco squeezed my leg again and leant close to whisper, 'give them a chance...'
Minerva said, 'I've been in London this week, discussing course structures for next year. When Pomona told me about Neville's plan for your garden, I decided to stay on a couple of extra days,' she said with a small nod. Admittedly, there were a lot of scrawlings over the papers and crossing outs and additions. 'We've been talking about modifying the current N.E.W.T. in Defence and introducing a specialist N.E.W.T. in Curse Breaking. I need someone to teach both. But that's a conversation for another time.'
'I bet Harry knows everything about everything when it comes to Defence Against the Dark Arts and Dark Creatures on that list,' said Bill with a grin. 'He could probably teach us all a thing or two beyond the texts books.'
'Don't overdo it, Bill,' I frowned.
***