Chapter Forty Seven: Red Wine
I woke up as early as I could this morning. I brushed my teeth, took a shower and did some light makeup, and picked up some clothes for today.
Wala naman akong trabaho ngayong araw, wala rin ako sa mood na magsulat kaya napagisipan ko na lang to take a day off today.
I've been working myself hard for days now and I know that it's not really because I am busy... but because of him.
"Rina..."
And he's here again, right in front of my door with a bouquet of red roses, he's not even wearing a suit anymore, just a hoodie and some pants with messy hair.
Wala ba siyang trabaho?
He's been doing this for days now, ever since that day when I told him about his mistake before.
Sinubukan niyang iexplain ang sarili niya pero alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa 'ko handang pakinggan siya. Not when I still think about that day and how I feel... frustrated.
'Di ko nga maintindihan kung ano ba talaga 'tong nararamdaman pero alam ko na masakit, sobrang sakit.
'Di ko na maalis sa isip ko yo'n.
"Please... I... I miss you..."
Huminga ako ng malalim at sinarado ang pinto ng apartment ko.
"Stop this, Alexander... please..." I said with an unwavering tone.
"Busy ka pa rin ba?" tanong niya ulet, para bang ayaw niya 'kong umalis.
"I have things to do, sabi ko nga 'di ba na sa susunod na lang?"
I passed by him but right when I was just about to press the button for the elevator when I heard his voice once again.
"Kailan?"
Natigilan ako sa tanong niya.
"I don't know." sagot ko.
'Di ko na siya tiningnan pa, baka ano pang masabi ko o... magawa ko.
Of course, I miss him.
I fucking love him but until I'm alright with this whole thing, then... I don't know, really.
Naguguluhan ako. 'Di ko alam. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit pero ang sakit talaga, parang kahit anong dahilan 'di pa rin ako magiging okay.
I've thought about it. The countless reasons that might be why he kissed that woman but it still didn't make sense to me.
And all I get in the end is pain. 'Di na 'ko naiiyak pero minsan gusto kong manampal.
I end up binge eating just to forget it. Forget what happened that day, I used to do that but now I don't.
"I'll wait, Rina..." rinig ko sa kanya nang pumasok ako sa loob ng elevator.
"...I'll always wait..."
Great. Now, why does it feel like I regret my decision?
Ano naman ngayon kung ganon yung itsura niya? O maghihintay siya sa'kin?
I already made my decision. Kakausapin ko naman din siya ulet pero 'di lang muna siguro ngayon.
I need to move on.
Ang tagal na ni'to pero hanggang ngayon talaga apektado pa rin ako. If I want to move forward with Alexander, then I have to do something for us.
Pumasok ako sa Starbucks at umorder agad ng custom Iced Coffee for me. Kailangan ko ng kape para naman magising gising ako.
I decided to take a day off today so I could think about myself. My problem with Alexander is way too messy, it's hard for me to recover from that especially kung nakatrabaho ko yung babaeng yon.
"Katerina?"
Paupo pa lang ako ng marinig ko yung pangalan ko sa kabilang lamesa.
"Margauxx?"
It's Margauxx? Napatayo siya at laki rin ng ngiti niya sa'kin. Ako naman, parang estatwa, ang tagal na rin kasi since the last time that I've met her like this.
We haven't been friends for a long time. I can say that we're now acquaintances. Ewan ko ba, naging busy lang siguro kaming dalawa sa buhay at may nangyari rin kasi sa kanya nung senior high kami and so she wasn't the same after that.
Nagulat ako ng niyakap niya 'ko ng mahigpit which weirded me out a bit, because this does not feel like the Margauxx I haven't been talking to for years.
But instead, this is the Margauxx I knew back in highschool.
Niyakap ko rin siya pabalik at napangiti rin. She pulled out from the hug and giggled right after.
"Kamusta ka na? Ang tagal na rin na'ting 'di nagkita ah. Ganda mo pa rin, nope... mas lalo ka lang gumanda~" she exclaimed.
This... is Margauxx.
The Margauxx back in highschool.
I remembered Ryland talking to me about Margauxx and how she's different now, that she's much happier now.
Is this really her?
I observed her with a smile on my lips.
She has short hair now, hairstyle that I didn't think I'd see in her before, hanggang balikat niya lang yata.
Tapos medyo kumikinang na yung mga mata niya and I also noticed that she's not wearing her usual style of makeup.
Medyo mas natural, before she would wear soft glam type of makeups but now it's much natural. Almost as if she's not even wearing at all.
She looks vibrant too. Way vibrant. Just like in highschool.
"Rina?"
"O-Oh... uhm... okay naman ako. Gumanda ka rin naman..." sagot ko agad sa kanya.
"Dali... upo ka muna... o baka naman may hinihintay ka?"
"No... nope..." I shook my head as a response too.
Umupo ako sa lamesa niya at nilagay yung Iced Coffee ko sa lamesa rin. Ang laki pa rin ng ngiti niya, 'di ako makapaniwala sa nakikita ko.
"Ikaw? May hinihintay ka ba?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Ah... yes, I'm here to pick up coffee for me and my boyfriend..."
"Boy...friend?"
She has a boyfriend? I mean, it's normal but back then she was just so focused on one person.
Christian Baddel.
Inlove na inlove siya noon kay Christian na 'di ko siya naimagine na mainlove sa ibang tao. I did hear she had another boyfriend prior her sophomore year of college pero yun lang.
"Yes... I have a boyfriend."
Tuwang tuwa rin siya sa sinabi niya. Huh, could it be that it's—
"And no... alam ko ang nasa isip ko, it's not Christian."
It's not?
I chuckled at her.
"Sorry... ang saya mo kasi. The only one who can make you this happy is him, that's... what I thought you know, back then... akala ko siya pa rin." explain ko.
It was always Christian. It's always been him. They were best of friends and she did everything for him and that is how much she loved him.
Yun nga eh, ano bang nangyari sa kanilang dalawa ni Christian na naapektuhan si Margauxx noon?
What did he do to her?
"I thought so too. But... I found someone else and I am much happier than I was before. It's just...something else, I guess." masaya niyang sabi.
"And besides... sometimes you just don't get to end up with someone you thought you'd love forever... so..."
That's true. It usually happens a lot with first loves.
Alexander is my first love. I wonder if I would really end up with him, if he's my endgame.
"I'm... just so happy that we meet again, Rina. Ryland told me about you and your life!"
"He did?"
"Yeah. Ang dami niyang nasabi sa'kin tapos ayun, narealize ko na namiss ko nung nasa high school pa tayo noon. There were always moments where there's only three of us."
Yup. Minsan pa nga ang lakas lakas pa ng mga boses namin at ako pa ang mismong tumitigil ng mga awayan nila sa hallway o sa may gym.
"I miss us, Rina."
Those were good memories.
"I miss us too, Margauxx"
"Look, I want us to be friends again. I know na hindi naging maayos ang senior high na'tin because of me, and I am willing to explain—"
"No." sabat ko agad at binalik ko ang ngiti sa labi ko.
"You don't have to explain anything. You must have your reasons and whatever it was, it must have really hurt you that bad, Margauxx" I said.
Maybe one day sasabihin niya rin sa'kin kung ano talaga yung nangyari pero alam ko na baka si Christian ang dahilan.
I don't want to force it out of her. I want her to tell me when the time is right.
"How about this..." simula niya ulet.
"May party mamaya sa bar malapit lang dito, party ng kapatid ni Ryland, I think Brent's birthday?"
Brent?
"Anyways, naimbitahan ako at ang boyfriend ko, do you want to come?"
"Uhm... I'm not sure if it would be alright for me t come—"
"Oh I'm sure it would be alright! 'Di ba naging magkaibigan kayo nina Yael at Jaxon?"
That was before. I'm not really as close to them as before.
"Are you busy?"
"No." sagot ko.
"Sige na, Rina. Let's just have fun, alright?"
Hm, wala naman yatang problema kung pupunta ako sa isang party, 'di ba? It's harmless.
"Fine..." tawa ko.
"Yes! I'll text Ryland immediately! I'll see you later then, kailangan ko ng umalis, baka magtampo ang boyfriend ko." tumayo siya habang hawak hawak yung mga drinks.
"It was nice to see you again, Rina."
Siguro ito yung tama.
Siguro kailangan kong lumabas labas para makapagisip din ako ng mabuti. I need this, I need to refresh myself and hang out with my old friends.
Maybe this is what is right.
Bumili ako ng mga damit at mga room decors na rin para naman may konting change yung aparment ko.
Naghanap na rin ako ng outfit para sa party sa bar, Ryland already texted me about tonight.
I guess natext na ni Margauxx si Ryland tungkol sa'kin para makapunta ako sa party mamaya.
I'm thinking na siguro casual lang yung vibe ko sa party. Wala kasi akong balak na talagang magpaganda, I just want to drink and feel refreshed in some way.
I retouched and changed my outfit at tinext ko na rin si Ryland na papunta na 'ko sa bar. Tinext niya 'ko na binigay daw niya kay Margauxx yung number ko.
I already left with my bag to the bar. Medyo excited ako na makita sila ulet, ang tagal na rin kasi at super busy din kami.
Kahit na nakakatrabaho ko yung mga magkakapatid na Manuel sa photoshoots o minsan nakikita namin yung isa't-isa sa mga parties sa campus o sa kung saan mang lugar yung party.
But we don't hang out as much as we did back in high school and college.
"Rina!" tawag nina Ryland at Margauxx pagpasok ko sa bar, they're even waving at me with a huge smile on their faces.
Wow, this does feel like I'm in high school again.
"Nice, Katerina Miranda is here!" sigaw ni Silas tapos nagsigawan din yung iba dahil sa kanya.
Bwiset siya.
I rolled my eyes at him and sat next to Margauxx who was already drinking and so are the others.
"I didn't think you'd come, considering that you're a busy woman, Miranda." Brent said as he took a sip from his own glass.
"As if 'di ka busy, Zeron." sagot ko naman sa kanya.
"Wait, Katerina... Miranda? As in the most gorgeous student in NEO high school?"
Natigilan ako sa sinabi ng babaeng katabi ni Brent.
I haven't heard that from anyone except Silas and my other classmates back then.
"Well, she is THE most gorgeous for sure..." tawa ni Silas, nang-aasar nanaman 'tong lalaking 'to.
"Sorry... I... I'm Olivia. I used to study in NEO too, I think everyone in NEO knows you."
Olivia. Wait a minute, she does look familiar. Parang naging kaklase ko siya noon sa seksyon ko kasama na rin si Ryland at Margauxx noon.
"She's my girlfriend." Brent added.
Girlfriend? Huh.
"And they've been dating for 2 years."
Ha? 2 years? Ang tagal na ha.
'Di ako makapaniwalang ganon tatagal ang relasyon niya, he doesn't really stay in a relationship long enough... except yung babaeng nakarelasyon niya for 2 years din pero hindi naman daw talaga niya nagustuhan yung babaeng yon.
"Congrats? And happy birthday din..." bati ko sa kanya.
"Thanks, it's been great. Relationships do deserve the hype."
"Please don't say that, you sound like Nakamoto."
Natigilan agad ako ng may marinig akong pamilyar na boses sa likod ko. Napansin ko rin ang paglawak ng ngiti ni Silas tapos napunta yung tingin niya sa'kin sabay kindat.
Yung mapangasar na kindat, shet.
It can't be, right?
"You're just jealous that you haven't been in a relationship for a long time, Cardoza."
Fuck.
I smell danger for some reason.
"I'm not jealous of you, never." Alexander replied and suddenly sat next to me.
What the fuck is happening right now?
Dapat napagisipan ko ng mabuti na baka maimbitahan si Alexander because he is friends with my friends too, damn it.
Half-button placket knit top, white pants, slick back hair, and that handsome face. What the heck?
Jusko, 'di ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko ngayon at sigurado akong tuwang-tuwa si Silas ngayon.
"I'm Alexander, you guys can call me Alex. I'm Brent's friend, nice to meet all of you." he said.
Alam ko na, Silas.
Alam ko na nakatitig siya sa'kin pero ininom ko na lang yung red wine at huminga ng malalim. I am not okay right now, I don't know what to do, shit!
"Huh, I have never seen two attractive bestfriends~"
Fuck you, Silas. Don't even start it... don't you ever fucking start.
"...unless they're dating... or they have feelings for each other."
Brent is even smiling and so are Yael and the others, what is wrong with these people? 'Di ba siya busy?
"Shush, Nakamoto." I said, rolling my eyes at him again.
"Rina, anong gusto mong kainin? Silas is paying, as always!" maligayang sabi ni Ryland sa tabi ni Yael.
"Kunin ko na lang yung oorderin mo." sagot ko naman.
"Alright! Drinks din?"
"Yep, red wine please..."
As much as I want some whiskey right now, I need something to calm me down right now or I'm going to lose it.
"So..." simula nung lalaki sa tabi ko ngayon.
"...you're here..."
"Yep." sagot ko at nilagok agad yung alcohol sa baso ko.
I have a feeling that I'm going to drink a lot and then blackout. Blacking out is much better, to be honest right now.
"Rina..."
Don't.
Just don't.
This is so bad.
"...when are we going to talk about us?" bulong niyang tanong sa'kin habang nagiingay yung mga iba at mukhang nagaaway nanaman si Ryland at Silas.
Huminga ako ng malalim habang naghahanap ng sagot sa tanong niya o kung sasagutin ko ba siya o hinde.
"I said... I don't know... didn't I?" sagot ko sa kanya.
And why does he smell so good? He's using the same perfume that I liked.
No... e'to yata yung pabango na binili ko para sa kanya because the perfume just fits him and so I bought it fo him.
"Rina..."
"What...?"
I'm trying to sound annoyed right now, damn it.
Why does he sound good too? Nakakainis!
Nakakainis ka talaga!
"...please... look at me, I just want you to look at me..."
I can't do this right now.
"I did look at you earlier, Alexander."
"Please...?"
Fuck, not that voice.
Ayoko, ayokong tumingin sa kanya, 'di pwede, 'di talaga pwede.
But no. I'm stupidly in love with this man.
And shit. He looks so good.
"Masaya ka na?"
Ako yata yung masaya dito eh.
Oh no. Great. Mas lalo lang natuwa si Silas, alam ko ang nasa isip niya, feeling ko tatanungin niya 'ko tungkol sa'ming dalawa ni Alexander pero wala akong sasabihin sa kanya, aasarin niya lang ako.
"I love you."
Nabigla ako sa sinabi niya. Napalunok ako tuloy doon, iinumin ko sana yung baso ko kaso wala pa yung red wine, nasaan na ba yun?
Muntik ko ng ininom yung basong wala namang alcohol na parang tanga.
"I love you so much."
"Shut up, Cardoza."
"Why should I? You're blushing, Rina."
Fuck him. Just fuck him!
Rinig ko pa yung tawa niya. Tawang tagumpay na namula ako dahil sa pagamin niya na mahal niya 'ko, baliw ba siya?
"I love you." he repeated.
"And I'll wait for you, I promise."
"I know... just... shut up." naiinis kong bulong sa kanya.
I need to breathe. I was caught off guard by him just whispering that he loves me.
I'm not okay. Shit.
I need to drink a bottle of red wine right now.