Now
I've been waiting for her to come back into my room after our new press briefing, we were all listening, but nothing is new. We're going to play more random games tomorrow, quizzes, answer questions that aren't just about Spiderman - try and get a better chemistry going between the three of us. It's a fucking obvious way of him telling us that we aren't gelling right now - and I wonder if he realises that it's because of me.
I turn the TV on to act as some type of distraction from me just fucking staring at the door, it's a bit creepy that I am wanting to will her into the room isn't it? Surely she cant text me back and then not speak to me again until tomorrow? How could she sleep with this question mark between us?
The re-run of friends is a good distraction, I'll give it that. But now that an episode has gone and passed, I will admit that I'm feeling a little disheartened. The darkness from before is filling back into the space that the light she brought with her response.
My phone buzzes in my hand.
'I'll come back when the nosy nellies next door are gone. Text me when you hear them leave?'
She's coming back. I'm going to get a resolution to the torture. I just might. Thank fuck. I've never text a girl back so quick in my life. 'Will do. Want me to order room service?'
'Mac & Cheese please' is all she replies and I smile, I knew she'd want it. At least I remember something.
The moment I hear them close the door to the suite next door and watch them all walk down the corridor through the peep hole on my door I shoot her a text immediately. I've never been so eager in my life but the foods arriving shortly and I just need to know where we stand. I'm not even embarrassed to admit that I've showered, put on some fresh cologne and a jumper that I remember her complimenting me on before.
Her knock is mouselike, as if she's hoping that no one is looking from their peep holes either - I open the door quickly and she slithers inside. I get a strong hit of her perfume, so maybe I'm not the only one trying to remind the other what they're missing. It's the strongest scent and it's the most addictive, it makes me instantly want to kiss her.
"Food should be here in ten" I say as she walks to the sofa.
"Cool, I'm not allowed to leave either by the way - this Mac and Cheese is the only thing keeping me sane right now" she says, she moves her hair in a way that reveals her neck to me in an appealing way. I've only kissed it once but that once was memorable enough.
I feel like it's my place to start, to pick back up the conversation we were having and to ensure she realises what really happened that day. "I should have reached out to you sooner, I should have text you explaining everything - but after everything happened, and then the media spiralled - I went dark - as you know. I started that day on cloud 9, preparing myself for a date with you, ordering all the food, making sure everything was private and perfect. That night was one of the darkest"
Z looks at me innocently, her eyes are soft as she waits for me to continue. I move to sit on the bed whilst I explain. "I went to RADA with her, Harriet - and just after I landed Spiderman she and I went on a few dates. In hindsight, there was only one reason that she suddenly became interested in me again but I was too niave to see it. Anyway, during the break she asked me to go to dinner with her and - well you know the rest of the story. She wanted to be famous so badly Z that she set the whole thing up. I mean look at where it's got her - it's worked, but she literally walked all over me - I was too blind to see the reality, Haz fucking told me"
I sighed as I recall the pain of realising how manipulative she'd been when I'd already started falling for Z, how easily she'd used our history to pull me back in for just one evening. "I know we weren't dating or anything, when you went back to England - but the fact that it all came out that day, it just was too hard" she said softly, "I was so disappointed".
The fact that Harriet Rhodes also managed to get under Z's skin as well burns a new anger.
Then
Screen tests are actually harder than I thought they'd be, I'm doing the same thing - or I'm trying to, each time - but it's really hard not to allow the natural chemistry I feel with the other people change the way I'm acting. I mean almost every single girl they bring in is beautiful, but some of them were way more face than skill.
I'm not going to lie that I'm waiting for her. I don't even know which part she is interviewing for either, in this movie there are two main girls - one is my immediate love interest and the other one is a slow burn. I'm not sure which one I'd prefer - the chance to potentially kiss her sooner, or the potential of working with her for longer.
God, I feel like a hormone ranged teenager. Maybe I shouldn't have been so dedicated to the acting thing all these years and I could have got more of this out of my system. My disappointment consumes me when we finish up with the immediate love interest screens and move onto the best friend ones.
That being said, the first person that sits down to play Ned is a guy called Jacob and we hit it off immediately. I suddenly feel what I was trying to feel in the first round of screens - this natural feeling of real friendship between the two of us. We literally spoke for just a few minutes before we began testing but I like him - he's just out of acting school, this could be a really cool break for him - like me. We'd be learning it together, I like the idea of that.
The girl I've been waiting for is second to last, and from the moment she walks in - all limbs and height, her hair perfectly smooth and her eyes sparkling - I'm worried that I actually wont be able to do the scene properly because I'm caught hostage in it all.
Somehow though, she makes me feel immediately better - she's shyer than I would have expected for her looks, and a bit sarcastic. It works perfectly for the scene we're playing and every time I look into her eyes I'm worried if everyone behind the camera will know that I am falling down the well.
"Congrats on getting the part" she says when we've finished and the crew are resetting things for the final test, "I heard you are a big fan of the movies yourself?"
She is adorable. I smile, "Yeah, I watched both of them growing up - I'm so excited, also pretty scared if I'm honest. What about you?"
She shoots me this awkwardly adorable half grin, "Me too - I cant wait to see what happens when spiderman is in the marvel universe". She stands up and straigtens out the trousers she's wearing and it distracts me, her fucking legs are honestly never ending. "Either way, good luck with it all" she says sweetly, I stand up, I haven't done that for anyone else. "Thanks - hopefully you'll get to be part of it all" I say quietly, looking over to Amy the producer who definitely just heard what I said as I still have a Mic on. I haven't said that to anyone else.
When she leaves I watch as Amy whispers something to the Director. Tom clearly fancies that one comes to mind, but I wont assume. I just hope that maybe my evident interest helps her a little - I mean she was the best of the Michelles that I've tested with anyway - that could be enough.
It's hours before I'm back in the hotel, I've missed facetimes from Harriet and now it's too late for me to return them. Instead, with Mum asleep in the room next door, i decide to let my curiosity take me on a bit of a stalk. Who was that girl today?
I type in the things I remember about her, despite the fact that I don't think she actually told me her name - which in retrospect is odd. It takes me three different google searches to find out who she is and be hit with a picture of her on a red carpet.
Zendaya.
Now
"It's only been you for me since the moment I met you", I let slip out of my mouth. I know my actions say differently, but with Harriet it was one kiss, a kiss that lasted twenty seconds before I pulled back and told her that I couldn't do that anymore.
She's just biting her lip, I need to know what she's thinking. She said she could forgive me, but does that mean she'd be open to more?
"I tried to convince myself that it wasn't the same for me" she starts, "but these past few months before we started this tour, everything I did to try and get you out of my head didn't work". My heart is somewhat relieved, naturally. If I ever have to watch her date someone else I honestly think my heart will break.
"You need to sort yourself out though Tom, we still have another movie to film - another press tour to do. I can't be the only thing keeping you together, just like you can't be the same for me - that's not how fame works" her voice is soft, she's right of course. She's had more experience at this than me, she's done it for much longer.
"I know - I have a lot of ground to make up with my brothers, my friends - you. I need to make peace with what this is like - and I need to figure out how to exist within it" my response is real, I do need to do all of that. After the media blew up on Harriet, who was pictured three days after kissing me - kissing someone else at a club - it was all about "Spiderman Tom Holland gets cheated on".
It increased the media's interest in my friends and family and it drove me to stick to the MCU world in an unnatural way. Getting drunk with avengers in private hearing all about their lives, whilst forgetting to build my own.
"What happened with Jacob?" she asks, her question surprises me given what I just said. I frown, that ones on me and my ego. "I missed one too many of the movie nights at the house because I was hanging out with the avengers" I reply honestly, no point in sugarcoating what happened. "When I tried to re-introduce them, the damage was done" I add. Z frowns, "That sucks, you could have just invited him to join you - he would have loved that". I nod, "I know - I need think of a way to make it up to him"
Just as I open my mouth, the door goes and I have to go and grab the food, Z knows the drill, standing up and going into the bathroom so that the person delivering the room service doesn't know that this is for two. I open the bathroom door to let her back into the room when he's gone, "Coast is clear" I whisper, her scent hits me again.
I place my hand out to lead her into the room and she takes it, a good sign. I've only held her hand once before.
I can't fuck this up again.