When I turned around I saw tears flowing down Astéria's face. I wasn't expecting this and almost fell.
"Astéria? Are you okay."
As I walked up to her, Astéria grabbed my arm and knelt down in front of me crying against my palm. I really didn't expect this and had no idea how to act.
"Astéria? What's wrong?
-Please... Please..."
Was she going to finally say the truth? Was it this painful for her? Why? Did she really not trust me at all? Did she think I would leave her if she did? What the hell was I thinking? Of course I should leave. She was the murderous female lead and she lied to me. Right? Who was I kidding? I had no idea what to do and even right now I wasn't scared of her. She seemed so sad that I knew I would immediately forgive her if she told me the truth right then.
"Please don't change for anyone. You are perfect."
I froze. Was this what it was about? She wasn't crying because she lied. She was crying because I said these things about myself. I should have felt touched but I was just angry. All of this for nothing. Was she never going to confess? I was fed up and felt all the buried anger break out.
"Get up."
Astéria immediately stopped crying and stood up, not letting go of my hand for a second. She was staring at her feet just like a child but I was too angry to find her cute:
"You don't want me to change for anyone?
-No...
-You think I am perfect the way I am.
-Yes...
-Then why don't you trust me?"
Astéria clenched her fist and suddenly looked up to me. Seeing my frown she swallowed loudly, her pupils shaking.
"I know the truth, Orange."
Astéria lost all her colors in a semi second and she opened her mouth to say something but i pulled my hand out of her grasp:
"Don't lie to me. Don't you dare lie to me. I saw you and Saber in the bathroom."
Astéria immediately understood what I was talking about and closed her mouth tightly.
"Saber knew and I had no idea.
-I...
-You lied to me for so long."
My blood was heating up more and more and my voice was going higher and higher:
"I gave you so many chances to tell me the truth and you just continued lying!
-Poehina...
-Even now you didn't tell me! You always chose to lie!
-I didn't lie...
-But you didn't tell the whole truth! That's just the same!
-I am sorry, I...
-I don't care anymore. It's too late for your explanations. You had what? 11 years to tell me? More? Or at least when we met at the debutante! I wish you had told me back then. But you didn't. You pretended to be two different people for months! Did you have fun making me look stupid?
-No! That's not what...
-Did you have fun seeing me worried about Astéria getting closer to me?
-No!
-It must have been so fun talking about me with Saber.
-I would never make fun of you! I was just terrified!
-But you weren't terrified about telling Saber. I am jealous, okay? I thought we were best friends and then you meet another girl and tell her everything. Just the thought of you trusting her more than me...
-I didn't tell her! She recognized me.
-What?
-Saber and I knew each other before I came to you. I don't care about her at all. I won't ever talk to her again. I'll get her expelled. I'll make sure that you never see her face again.
-Why would you do that? She didn't do anything wrong. You are the one who messed up.
-Yes... I know I am so sorry.
-Stop apologizing! It's easy to feel bad once you get caught. Did you even feel bad when I didn't know?
-I wanted to tell you. I was just waiting for you to like me as Astéria too. You said you were scared of me so I couldn't...
-Oh, so it's my fault.
-No! No, no, no. Not at all. You didn't do anything wrong.
-Of course I didn't do anything wrong! Ah! I just want to scream at you!
-You can. Anything you want.
-Of course I can! It feels so frustrating! You are so frustrating! Ah!
-Hit me if that makes you feel better."
Astéria tried touching my hand but I stepped back:
"I need time. Leave me alone."
And I walked away. I could feel Astéria staring at me for the rest of the day but she didn't dare talk to me because I told her to leave me alone. I felt a bit better now that I screamed at her and despite having said that I needed time to think, I had no idea what to think about. Maybe I leaned on Orange too much and needed to think of my future as a person. I loved focusing on other things when I had a problem so I decided to focus on classes and to find the subject I loved the most. I was way calmer than I would have thought and had no problem listening in class while someone else couldn't hear a single word of the lecture.
After class Astéria waited for me patiently not knowing if I would want to go home with her. I had no idea either but seeing her stand like a sad puppy I just motioned for her to follow me without a word. Astéria walked silently behind me and I had to hold back a smile. I had to stop finding her adorable. I definitely couldn't be scared of her.
We went home without exchanging a word and even once in my room I didn't look at Astéria once. I went on about my day as usual and Astéria just stood in the middle of the room not daring to move an inch. She was waiting for me to scream at her again but I just left her stress in her corner. I knew that this was worse punishment for her. Despite everything, I knew her by heart and knew that she wouldn't dare say anything first. Therefore I didn't look at her once and prepared for bed before sitting at my desk and doing my homework. I quickly forgot about Astéria and wasn't even surprised anymore at how defenseless I was around her. She didn't even transform back to Orange and stayed in her original appearance and it felt completely normal having the gorgeous female lead standing in the middle of my room. How could she look so good even with a desperate look on her face?
While doing my homework I tried finding out which subject I liked most and just in one night I decided that I would continue my studies in History. I loved History and I loved finding out about dark stories that no one knew. I was very good in every subject and I didn't dislike them but I just felt like I would never get bored of History. It was like a reality show but darker. Having decided that, I put my homework away and laid down in bed. I had a feeling that Astéria would stay standing the whole night not daring to move so I just turned off the lights and said:
"Go to sleep."
I couldn't have her stand all night. I wasn't that mean. Hearing my voice, Astéria jumped and finally started moving but stopped in front of the bed:
"May I sleep on the bed?
-Yes."
She didn't waste a second and laid down next to me.
"Take a shower first."
She immediately jumped up and took the quickest shower ever coming back smelling like my favorite plant. I didn't know if she did it on purpose but it felt nice and I went to sleep very quickly. The next morning I woke up without waiting for Astéria but I wasn't sure she had slept a wink because she jumped up as soon as I got up and I could see the dark circles under her eyes.
She continued following me without a word and I continued pretending as if she didn't exist. As Orange this wasn't that surprising of a behavior but as the female lead, she looked very funny. Who would have thought that the murderous Empress would follow me around like a baby duck? I wasn't prepared for this and really had to try my best to remember that I was supposed to be mad. I couldn't let her off too easily because then she would do it again. And she did hurt my feelings a lot so she deserved to suffer a bit too.
Now that I had told Astéria everything, I felt way lighter and I wanted to have a good day. Therefore at the break, I left the class saying that I was going to the bathroom but in reality I was heading down town and on the way I ran into Saber in the corridors:
"Poehina! Do you want to eat together with me today?
-Sorry, I can't. I'm leaving.
-What?"
I just continued walking and didn't answer. No one was going to destroy my day and I needed some quality time by myself. I didn't remember the last time I did something for myself and it felt really healthy. I walked to town, I ate in a restaurant alone, I went to a bookshop where I looked around for three hours, I went to eat ice cream, I walked around in the sun, I went to look at some statues... I was reborn and felt all my muscles relax on my skeleton. I should do this more often and as I was thinking that I decided to end the day with some stargazing. I wanted to end the day on a good note but what I didn't think about was how I would get home.
Having completely forgotten about my horrible sense of direction, I sat down on a bench and sighed. This day had been perfect and I wasn't going to let this destroy anything but I had no idea which way to go. It wasn't as if I was a little lost, I had no idea which way to start. What else could I do? I just asked someone for directions and after two hours of searching, I finally found my mansion. I didn't expect people to get this stressed about me disappearing and I had an earful from Prissy but that was nothing compared to Astéria's reaction.