Luka
Everything was just so tough. I wondered why my sweet Lily had to endure everything she had. I wondered how she was able to handle that all. I was constantly worried. She pushed me away for the first two months. She would barely speak. Everything changed. From the minute she found out she could no longer have children she completely shut every possible emotion off. I continued to help her as best as I could. I knew when to step away so that nothing became worse. She didn't yell or anything like that. I just didn't want her to shut me out completely. I respected that she needed space. We all take things completely differently and I wasn't going to be the one to make her feel as if what she felt wasn't valid. She had every right to feel everything that she did. I just prayed and hoped that she didn't think I'd love her any less. I would constantly tell her I loved her. Even if she said nothing in return. But I knew she needed to hear that. Even if I hoped she didn't think any negative things. I knew she did. She had gone through way too much trauma in her life to not think some negative things about how I'd react to this all. But it isn't like she had asked me how I felt. Maybe she was afraid.
It had been four months since Lila was born. Since we could've lost Lily. Since she had to get her surgery. A surgery that impacted the rest of her life. Well one that she assumed would ruin the rest of her life. How could I ever not love the mother of my child? How could I not love the woman who risked her life to bring life? How could I ever not love the girl I fell in love with. The broken young girl. Who slowly began to become whole again. Yet this shattered all her progress and more. Those past four months were a roller coaster. We ended up moving into our house. I built everything for Lila's room but let Lily decorate it. One thing was for sure though, her love for Lila was unmatchable. She was beginning to smile here and there. She was starting to talk a bit more. Not to others, but at least to me. Paola and Lilys parents had visited. Lily wasn't saying much. She'd give slight nods but that's all. But everyone understood. I just hoped things would get better for her with time.