Lately, I haven't been able to stop thinking about my crush. God, he's so fine. God, his hair is gorgeous. God, he's so intelligent. Intelligent...
I crave his validation. Why? Am I really going to throw away my whole academic life because I "can't stop thinking about him"? Am I really going to use all of my time imagining him romantically confessing his love for me - is that my goal in life? For a guy to pick me up and carry me to the finish line?
Right now, he does not give a flying shit about me. Right now, he's working towards his goal. The same goal I wish to have, that I dream to have, but I'm lying on my bed scrolling through my phone, picturing my dream life. Then why can't I get it?
I know I'm intelligent enough to get there. I know I'm able to beat him. So what am I doing?! He doesn't know that I'm able to beat him - he probably thinks I'm just some stupid girl who is never going to catch up to him. There he is, studying, again. There he is, ten steps ahead of me, progressing, succeeding, working. Time is running out. I could do that. I will do that.
I'm sick of being second best. Always below his level. My best is his worst. I know I'm able to do better. I don't know what I'm waiting for.
From now on, he's not my pathetic crush. He's my academic rival, and I will do better than him.