It's the last day of holidays and Amara and I are sitting next to each other and talking about our type and Amara's ex boyfriends. I am mid way through trash talking about this guy named Ben Yoofled who cheated on Amara with some girl in his Biology class when they had been together for five months with no issues between them.
"Also who names their son Ben YOOFLED, what the fuck is that last name," I laugh.
"Is it cultural or something?" I ask Amara who struggles to reply through her fit of giggles.
"I don't think his ethnicity had anything to do with his last name to be honest. I remember him trying to impress me by telling me once that he is American, British and three percent Italian," We laughed for ages about this, for some reason finding it hilarious that he thought being three percent Italian made him more attractive.
"So that's why I don't date those types of Ben's anymore, they are all always so full of themselves and wimpy," Amara says, after we stop cackling to ourselves.
"So have you ever been with anyone?" She asks me.
"I mean I've been with like three people. I have kissed people here and there but I have never actually thought someone was the one," I shrug.
"Ooooh, who have you kissed?" She smirks, shoving my arm playfully.
"You know...people," I say nervously.
"Girl, tell me!" Amara says, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me.
"Fine," I chuckle.
"I don't actually remember everyone, I'll just name their first names ok," I say.
"Ok," Amara says, leaning in to hear me better.
"James, Harley, Natasha, Carter, Gilbert, M-" I go to say his name but can't. "Mm Yeah that's about it," I say, grinning anxiously.
"Damn, ok. Wait. Carter D or Carter B?" Amara asks. I purse my lips together and raise my eyebrows at her.
"BOTH?" She laughs. Before we know it we are both overcome with the giggles, we basically laugh at anything, a book randomly falling off a shelf when it was dead silent, Jonah staring at us like we are crazy and even a dead fly that had died on my arm a while after landing on it. I had tried to shake it off but it had a strong death grip on my shirt sleeve.
I wake up the next day, dread rushing through me as I realize everyone is back now. I get dressed into my uniform and rush out of my door and up to Amara's dorm room.
"Amara!" I whisper whilst knocking lightly on her door. It is still early but some people are scattered around the halls talking and catching up with friends.
"Morning," Amara says as she opens the door, still in her pjs.
"Shit am I late?" Amara panics.
"No you're not, I'm just early," I laugh.
"Oh thank Satan," She says, clutching her chest with one hand dramatically and pulling me into her room with the other.
"Thank Satan?" I question.
"I'm trying to mix it up," She shrugs. I raise my eyebrow and smile at her.
"What about thank Apollo or Athena," I suggest.
"Well I was gonna say Aphrodite but I figured why not be controversial," She says, making me laugh quite a bit.
"Anyway, what do you want babes?" She says sitting down on her bed, stretching and yawning.
"I kind of didn't mention it but I kinda stayed at this guy's house instead of being stuck here the whole holidays and he goes to this school...we kinda you know..." I say nervously.
"Fucked?" She tries to finish my sentence.
"WHAT! NO!" I say, my face heating up. I wi- NO ISABELLA! THESE DISTURBING THOUGHTS MUST BE EXPELLED FROM THY MIND...
"We were just kinda a thing and then stuff went wrong and I left without telling him and he is probably here today, I just don't know what to do or how to act or what to say," I say hurriedly.
Amara grabs my hands and looks at me, making a show of her breathing slowly so that I would copy her. When I finally calm down she gives me some advice on how I should either talk to him, let him apologize or apologize to him, avoid him in general, make him jealous somehow or pretend nothing happened. A sane person could tell that some of those are extremely bad ideas but I'm not sane. At first I will let him apologize but if he acts like a dick I'll pretend nothing ever happened between us and avoid him.
Amara gets changed and whilst she is doing that I decided to go back to my room and get my stuff for first class even though we have breakfast first. I grab my books and walk to the dining hall where we all have breakfast each morning. There aren't many of us, only about four hundred in total, the lower grades eat earlier. I haven't seen Miles yet, thank god. I sit at the table with my usual friends plus Amara who has decided to join us. Most of my friends like Allegra and Mal already know Amara so it was easy for us to all get along. We all talked about our holidays and all of the interesting things that happened but I made sure that Amara didn't say anything about my holidays since I knew it would only make the situation worse if everyone knew. Mal rambled on about what she did at her holiday house with her brother and parents and everyone else pretty much just said they relaxed and watched movies. When anyone asked me what I did I said I chilled and stayed at a friend's house, if they asked who I'd reply with you don't know them.
It's now the break before last period. I see Miles on the way to one of my classes but he doesn't see me. He was too busy talking to this girl called Hannah Montery. Jealousy surges through me but then I remember, I don't give a fuck. I put my calculus books away and retrieved my English folder and my copy of Anne Of Avonlea. I feel a presence behind me, oh god. I turn around and see Miles, leaning against his locker and glaring at me. Shit I forgot his locker was opposite mine, how could I have possibly forgotten such an important detail. Do I walk up to him or is he going to walk up to me? I feel like he wins if I walk up to him but we both lose If I just walk away because the tension will just continue to weigh down on us. He moves towards me. Surprisingly HE does the right thing for once, unless he is coming over here to kill me. I look down at his hands, no weapons, his pockets seem empty...no murder devices to be seen, I should be safe.
"You left," Miles states the obvious. Wow he mustn't have thought this through, then again not everyone is a master overthinker like me. I nod at him slowly not knowing why he said that or if he is going to say something else. Does he expect me to speak because he didn't give me much to go off.
"Why didn't you say goodbye?" Miles says quietly. I could see deep pain in his eyes but I don't understand why, it's not like he was treating me very nicely the last time I saw him.
"Miles-" I start, looking at him. Does he not understand how horrible Quint was acting? Or how bad it was that he completely stood up for him and saw nothing wrong with any of it?
"You didn't have to leave," Miles says, with no emotion in his voice.
"I did Miles! Quint was starting to scare me with how terrible he was behaving towards Miss Grose and Miss Jessel, even sometimes to me. You didn't seem to care about how uncomfortable it felt for Flora and I every time he treated people awfully. Miss Jessel probably left because of him," I say, frowning and looking into his expressionless face. He seems so different, like there is no emotion in him but a lot at the same time. Maybe he doesn't know how to express himself or maybe he just doesn't care anymore.
"You will be so glad to know that he's dead then," Miles says callously. I see his face falter, no longer soulless for a split second. Everyone else has gone outside or into their dorms to talk, eat or study which means no one can hear or see this conversation. I go to hold his hand gently in an effort to console him but I know it is the wrong move since he smacks it away.
"Don't touch me," he says cruelly through gritted teeth. I know Quint was a horrible person and I wished that he died multiple times but I didn't mean it, well...I mean I didn't think it would happen. I don't know why Miles is getting so angry at me, last time I checked he was the one who said my Mother avoids me and takes drugs because I'm her child.
"I- I'm sorry to hear that," I say, taken aback by the information that was thrust upon me so casually.
"No you're not so don't pretend to give a shit," Miles says, giving me an icy look before going to walk away. I grab his hand, holding it in mine tightly. He looks down at me and then at our hands.
"Don't," Miles says, his hand tensing in mine.
"It was your fault he died,"
"That can't be true," I reply, confused and taken aback by the accusation.
"Well it is. Quint took me to The Icebox, drank until he threw up. We had given the car back to Alfie because we knew we wouldn't be able to drive back that night. When we got back home, Miss Grose casually told us that you had left hours ago," Miles says.
"What does-" I start.
"Shut the fuck up," Miles cuts me off kindly.
"Quint could see I was upset so he immediately went to the horses, he intended on trying to ride Samson all the way up to school to get you back," Miles continues.
"But he was drunk," I say, catching on to what he was saying.
"He fell off the horse, his neck snapped, I watched it all happen. I ran to get Miss Grose, she didn't give a fuck "What a shame" that's all she said," Miles continues in a low, calm tone. I find it creepy that he isn't showing much emotion but I know that inside he is a mess right now. I squeeze his hand which he surprisingly hasn't shaken off.
"I'm sorry that you lost him Miles," I say, seriously. He avoids my eye contact, he stares at my locker instead. I try to search for any sign that he wants me to be there for him but his face is blank, no signs, no feelings. I feel bad that Quint died but I know that it wasn't my fault, Miles knows that too. I'll let him convince himself that it was my fault for as long as he needs, even if it means he hates me. Miles looks me in the eyes for a while but not like how he used to. He turns and walks away, his hand slipping from my grip. I feel overcome by sadness. I pick up my little stack of stuff I need for English back up from my locker and walk to my next class which starts in twenty minutes.
I wait in front of the room for about ten minutes before other early students start to come and wait as well, including Amara. I talk to her about what happened and she gives me a you're screwed but not in a good way look.
"You're fucked girl, I don't know what to say," She says.
"I mean obviously you know it isn't actually your fault but boys like him probably hold grudges for eternity," She says, still having no idea that I am talking about Miles Fairchild, who she definitely knows since he is one of the "popular" boys.
"Yeah I know it isn't my fault, it was still overwhelming and awkward though," I respond.
I like to think that there is no hierarchy bullshit at school but apparently without us even trying it naturally happens. Popular boys who date popular girls, the geeks who sometimes for some reason mix with the popular kids or the theatre kids, the party animals who take drugs, drink and smoke and then the normal people who just study and live a stereotypical teenage life...except in a boarding school. My group is a mix between the popular kids and the normal people. I'm not popular but I'm not disliked, I'm just kinda here. Miles for some reason is popular and also happens to be so many people's type which is just unfortunate for me because lot's of my friends enjoy talking about how "hot" he is. I mean obviously I know he is hot I guess but it's still my main reason why I haven't told them... I feel like at least one of my friends would slip and tell the whole school that we were a thing, maybe we still are, or maybe we never were and it was all glamorized in my head.