Lillevenn came in and out of consciousness, but even when he was awake he had no interest in being so. He lay facing away from the door, thinking that was a clear message he didn't want to see anyone, but Ingrid still came in, bringing a food tray. When she sat next to him, he turned the other way, not having the energy to tell her he didn't feel like company. He felt numb, apathy forming a bubble around him where nothing mattered.
Her voice floated inside the bubble. She told him how Loridian and his elves had come to rescue them, and that the chancellor had destroyed Hel's domain, leaving his relation to wander Niflheim. He had banished her from Helheim proper, through a magical means Ingrid wasn't clear on. Inside his bubble, his logical mind worked on the calculations required to enforce such a ban. By the time he'd stopped, she'd gone. It was just as well.
Lilleven rose from sleep, a familiar essence like mahogany and rainforest filling his senses before he opened his eyes. He looked at Loridian unblinkingly while those warm blue eyes looked down at him.
"Ingrid tells me you're not eating and you haven't left this room since we brought you back."
"What took you so long?"
Pleasant heat like a hot spring filled those powerful eyes that seemed to infuse him with strength from where he sat.
"I didn't think you'd want to see anyone for a while."
Some of the bubble melted around his heart.
"She told me what you did. I might not be here right now if it wasn't for you."
Loridian brushed his hair from his eyes.
"I wish I'd been there sooner," he said softly.
"Why? We'd only been together a few times..."
Power and care combined in those eyes, and he didn't require a response.
"It doesn't take me long to feel strongly about someone," he replied, but his eyes had said so much more. Lillevenn took his hand that touched his face and applied just enough pressure to communicate his request. Those eyes like embers gave him a warm look laced with concern.
"Isn't it too soon? After what happened..."
"After what she did, I need to feel in control again."
Loridian said nothing more before he pushed back his blankets, to find him naked underneath. The chancellor didn't hesitate before pleasuring him. Lillevenn shut his eyes, his hands finding his silky black hair as his body moved of its own accord, grinding gently against his mouth. The burst of pleasure shattered the bubble around his mind and heart, and he took a breath, the first in such a long time, it felt like.
Loridian settled beside him, opening his mouth when Lillevenn went on top, his hands in his hair as he kissed him passionately, desperately. The chancellor touched his face gently, a hand running down his waist. Lillevenn peeled his red robe from his shoulders, his tongue on fire as he pushed his pants down. He somehow knew when he wanted him to slow, leaning back to look down into his desirous icy eyes.
"I want you to make love to me this time."
Loridian sat up, sliding his tunic over his shoulders, meeting another kiss, his hands gentle, soothing on his neck and his arm, Lillevenn soaking up his care that seemed exude from every pore. His bicep wrapped around his neck, his hand in his hair as he kissed him with slow passion. His chancellor's hands were like a potter's with a piece of clay, running them over his waist and back, Lillevenn finding himself needing every touch.
When they finally made love, it wasn't control he found, but the sweetest submission from the powerful elf underneath him, who increasingly sensed his needs before he could act on them. He didn't find himself dominant and angry as he thought he would be, but weights on his heart and mind the last few days just fell away. He experienced oneness with this Dokkalfr chancellor he hadn't found with even his Valkyrie.
Lillevenn snoozed lightly, waking briefly before dropping off again. When he opened his eyes again, he found the powerful gaze of his chancellor looking down at him, his head on his palm, his elbow beside his pillow.
"You were even more perfect than I imagined," he whispered, the words cinching his heart. The back of his hand touched his cheek so gently, tears he didn't understand and hated equally springing to his eyes. Loridian's large hand took his cheek as he leaned toward his ear. "No one will ever touch you again, unless you wish it."
Lillevenn knew what the words meant, and he couldn't find it in him to convince him otherwise. When his chancellor kissed him, he immediately drowned underneath it, allowing his care and possession to wrap him up, without hesitation.
Lillevenn woke again, in Loridian's arms, his head on his bicep, their legs tangled together, his chancellor's warm hand on his lower spine. Lillevenn focused on the armoire in the corner, noticing the door stood ajar. He couldn't find it in himself to care overly much at the moment.
Loridian yawned, his hand covering his head. Lillevenn looked up into warm bedroom eyes, the Dokkalfr's large hand cradling his head in a gentle yet possessive manner he needed. It graduated to his cheek, Lillevenn's gaze softening.
"Talk to me, sweetheart. It won't do any good stuck inside you."
Lillevenn's gaze gentled. "I don't really talk about my feelings."
His chancellor gave him a chiding look.
"I know. You remind me of my mate."
"Am I your mate now, too?"
Those eyes heated. "Would a child of Loki allow it?"
"I would allow you," Lillevenn whispered as he leaned closer for a soft kiss. He leaned back, his chancellor not appearing disappointed it hadn't turned into something more. "Loki was married and had lovers."
Impish amusement came to Loridian's dominant gaze.
"Was that a proposal?"
Lillevenn smiled. "Maybe."
Loridian laughed, Lillevenn loving the rumble of his chest underneath him. His chancellor returned a warm look to him. "I must have impressed him."
"You continue to do so, yes."
Loridian's gaze heated. "How much?"
"I'm pretty sure you saved me in more ways than one."
His chancellor's gaze softened.
"If you give your consent, I would have certain expectations."
Lillevenn raised an eyebrow, Loridian chuckling.
"Surely you wouldn't hold me to monogamy."
"Oh gods, no, how dull," he said with dancing eyes that made Lillevenn smile. He sat up next to him, Loridian's arm around his waist comfortably.
"All right, lay it on me."
Those icy eyes gave him a fond look that almost distracted him.
"I would insist that you live with me, or at least close by."
Lillevenn's gaze warmed. "And?"
"Expect a certain amount of fierce protectiveness. After your recent experience, it might be more than you can handle. I can be possessive but I'm not jealous. I don't care how many lovers you have, but expect I will test them if you wish to make them something more permanent. I will protect you as I see fit. Alvaen tends to buck my possessive streak, but I don't want you to be surprised if that possessiveness leads to violence."
A smile filled Lillevenn's eyes.
"You burned a Realm for me."
Loridian chuckled. "Just her domain. The Realm is intact, I assure you. It wouldn't do to burn the roots of Yggdrasil."
Lillevenn nestled beside him, Loridian's gaze warming on him.
"Then I accept."
Loridian brushed his hair from his forehead.
"Are you certain? Our ways of life might be different—"
"Nothing wrong with different. I think you know me well enough to know what I need."
Loridian's gaze heated, Lillevenn's softening before he leaned forward to give him a little kiss. By the way his chancellor took his head and kissed him passionately, he guessed his comment had pleased him. He reminded himself to do that more often.
Lillevenn didn't rise from the chancellor's arms for another two days, impressed with the elf's capacity for frolicking and mindless sex. If he wasn't careful, days could turn into weeks. He showered and dressed while his chancellor dozed, snoring softly. He went to his side, looking down at him fondly, before he turned and left his room.
Lillevenn stepped onto the shuttle, bringing it to life, retracting the docking clamps. He received clearance from the operations deck before taking it from the docking bay. He put in the coordinates Varanger had given him for the first shuttle that had left the Freyja a day ago. He put the serial number into the system so he would know when he came across it.
Within hours, his panel started beeping. He followed a course after dropping from hyperspace, entering the orbit of the moon, orbiting a dead world in the Jabbah system within the Scorpius constellation. He took the shuttle into the atmosphere, following the beeping dot on his map to a bluff on the desert moon. He put down on a bluff next to it, sealing the ship before walking down the ramp.
His features went implacable at the horrid desert climate, not a tree in sight. He walked to the edge of it, stepping off, the rock forming a bridge he walked across. He passed her vessel, taking a rocky incline down to a lower ledge. He walked up behind her, hands in his pockets, scowling at the view, though the abandoned palace far into the distance gave him momentary pause.
"I didn't expect you to come after me."
"Apparently," he said in a level tone and she turned to give him a hesitant look, his face softening. "Why did you leave like that?"
"I thought you'd welcome my absence."
He gave her a tolerant look, wishing he could be a coddler.
"Did it make you insecure?"
She tucked some hair behind her ear.
"That would be hypocritical of me, wouldn't it?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Did you want to join us? It's been a while for me, but I'm sure Loridian would be on board, as they say."
She gave him a gentled look with her big lavender eyes.
"It's easier being with him now, isn't it? Because of what happened?"
He gave her a guarded look. "I just need some time."
She shook her head. "I don't want to force it on you, Lil. I understand why being with a woman wouldn't be exactly sexy to you right now."
"I'll get over it, being with him...helped me."
"Maybe you do better with a male partner—"
"What are you saying, Ingrid?"
"I left, Lil. I'm gone."
His jaw hardened. "One depression and some separation, and you're ready to throw in the towel, is that it?"
"I think you'll be happier with him."
"How the hell would you know?" he snapped with more anger than appropriate for their conversation. She gave him a hesitant look and he hated it. "Seems your love changes with the wind—"
"That's not true, Lillevenn, I'll always love you—"
"Then what is this? If it's not jealousy or insecurity, why just leave like this? You're supposed to be my mate—"
"And I could do nothing to save you."
He took a few steps to her, giving her a hard look.
"You witnessed the worst moment of my life and as soon as I shut down, you're gone. Do you realize how that makes me feel?"
"I just think he'll be a better partner—"
"She had you in a cage! What, now that you've seen another woman emasculate me, you have zero interest?"
"Please don't say that—"
"That's what this looks like! You beg me to forgive you, and I do, but you see me get fucked and you're ready to walk away—"
"That has nothing to do with this—"
"Don't you goddamn lie to me," he said in a low voice. "We both know power turns you on and you saw mine stripped from me..."
She squeezed her eyes shut, tears streaming down her face. He didn't know whether to comfort her or not.
"If I'm wrong, then convince me otherwise. From where I'm standing, it looks like you don't care. You're willing to take off into the sunset, never to see me again, and you're fine with that."
"I'm not fine with any of this," she whispered. He took her arms in a hard grip, forcing her to look at him.
"Start talking then."
She pressed her lips together.
"I died in that cage, Lillevenn."
He took his hands away roughly.
"I was the one who was raped repeatedly!"
"And I couldn't save you!"
"I didn't want saving! I wanted to do it on my own! What makes you think there would be anything to salvage between us if you had?"
"Loridian did—"
"That's different. He wasn't my mate at the time."
"What's the difference?"
"I don't know, maybe because you were trapped as well. I don't know, but it is different. It was my job to protect you—"
"So that's what this is about. Some gender role expectations—"
He shook his head. "You can't possibly be this simple. I'm your mate. I'm supposed to watch over you."
"Because you're the male—"
"Because that's the way it is!" She shook her head. "If that's the case, what of it? Are you actually angry because I feel protective over you—"
"No, I just...I felt so powerless—"
He waved a hand, his jaw hardening.
"Enough. You're coming back with me—"
"Nothing will change on the Freyja."
He glared at her. "If you want out, all you have to do is say so."
"I don't!"
"You were the one who left."
"Because I thought it was best—"
"Because you thought I needed you to save me and now your sensibilities are offended because I chose to spend some time with someone else."
"Lillevenn—"
He waved a hand. "Make your choice. Either you're with me or you're not. I'm not going to beg you to be my partner. If I'm not enough—"
"Sweetheart, you are more than enough—"
"Then why do I feel otherwise? If you want to leave, I won't stop you. I've never been one to chase. If you knew anything about me, you'd know how out of character it is I came after you like this. Keep your savior complex. I don't need a mother, I need a partner. You can't be both."
He turned and strode away from her, using air particles to carry him up the incline. When she didn't call his name or come after him, his heart broke, for the second time in her hands.
After Lillevenn put in the coordinates for the Freyja, he sat there at the control board before he burst into tears. They came on him without warning, shattering his walls like a river breaking a dam, betraying him in the worst of ways. The bubble he'd had before Loridian came to him was no longer there, protecting him.
He leaned his head on his arm, trying to tuck his emotions inside, but they wouldn't obey him this time. Images flickered before his closed eyes, cruelly detailed, every thrust of the woman who was supposed to be his caretaker, even a mother figure, every flash of her cruel violet eye, not only from recent experience, but as a child.
He didn't immediately feel the hand on his head, but something about it didn't feel feminine, and besides, he had sealed the ship after him. He thought somehow Loridian had found him.
"My beautiful, broken satyr," came a rough voice with a distinct Germanic dialect. Lillevenn's eyes flew open, going cold all over, but didn't move. His heart raced when he remembered what Krampus had done to Hel, some of his panic receding. No matter what, I can't go back.
"Sweet child, can you ever forgive me?" The words in English seemed to jar him more than German. His rough fingers touched his antlers and it was like a punch to the gut.
"Are you here to take me back?" he asked in a thick voice.
"Krampus opened the frau that birthed him, and he'd do it again. Is it enough for my beautiful satyr?" More tears stang his eyes, not only from the words, but the emotion he infused into the question. "Krampus would bring the head of the death queen, little satyr. Do you desire this?"
Lillevenn wasn't sure he'd ever felt more loved than in that moment, by anyone. His father ran a rough hand down his hair, singing softly in German and Lillevenn squeezed his eyes shut on the fresh tears that filled them. When the old satyr god kissed one of his antlers, a brief cry escaped him. A muscular arm came around his chest and brought him against him. Lillevenn wrapped an arm around his thick waist covered in rough leathers. His sire's arm embraced him tightly as Lillevenn wept freely against him, unashamed for the first time.
His father's rough, large hand smoothed his hair between his antlers, the sweet love in his touch reaching past the walls remaining to him, shattering whatever bitterness he would have harbored against him. His soft singing in German brought healing to his ravaged heart he never would have imagined possible.
Another memory fired in his brain: he had no context or even details, only the earthy, forest essence of his father, singing to himself in the same dialect he'd used since Lillevenn was born, while he did some task Lillevenn couldn't remember. It was such an innocuous, ordinary memory to recall, he wasn't sure why it brought him so much peace. As he rested against him, listening, his tears dried, when he translated the song he sang. He sang of a beautiful satyr in the forest, bringing dead flowers to life with a touch, drinking from rivers, frolicking with nymphs, dozing on cool Spring mornings in moss and flowers.
Lillevenn leaned back, meaning to ask him a question when he looked up into his sire's animalistic features, shaggy brown hair hanging lifelessly around his craggy face, but his autumn brown eyes looked down at him with such an expression of adoration, he lost the words. His father gazed at him. His big fingers ran over the base of one of his antlers, Lillevenn's gaze softening.
"Beautiful son has a question."
"It doesn't matter."
A calloused thumb touched his jaw.
"My satyr feels better?"
Lillevenn gave him a warm look.
"Thank you, Father."
The thumb covered his mouth, shaking his shaggy, horned head.
"My beautiful satyr will not thank me."
Lillevenn's heart filled with the words, nodding. His sire took his thumb away. Krampus smoothed his hair on his shoulder.
"Return to the flying Lady now?"
It took him a moment for him to realize he referred to the Freyja. Lillevenn straightened.
"How did you get here?"
Autumn warmth looked down at him.
"Krampus stowed away."
Lillevenn smiled at the impish look in his father's eyes.
"Do you want to return to Helheim?"
Beckoning filled those autumn eyes.
"Beautiful son stay with me for a while?"
Lillevenn warmed at the request, since he'd never asked it before.
"I'll stay for a little while."
Krampus touched his head before he shuffled from the control board on his cloven feet, pulling himself into a vent.