A mere lock of lips or heaven itself? what was this? it was a divine feeling that couldn't be explained through mere words whose existence held no significance, it was a moment Hyunjin knew would be carved on his heart in burning, blazing scarlet letters and Felix believed this minute will be engraved on his being with soothing, screaming golden letters
yet before these scarlet and golden letters could turn into stories and be written completely, a swing of the door startled the two boys as Felix pulled away with an audible gasp, he stared at the door with wide eyes as Hyunjin turned his neck as well, shooting daggers with his eyes at whoever had ruined the best moment of his entire life "oh thank god you haven't started yet, I'm sorry I didn't mean to cock-block y'all but I just came here to say if you're gonna have your makeup sex here please make sure to clean up afterward okay? like really nice, I don't care if y'all bang in here while I break my back out there but still just clean up"
Hye-jin blabbered on and on nonstop, chuckling in between her sentences while her eyes stayed fixated on Felix. of course, she wouldn't dare look at Hyunjin, he was scary enough when done nothing to so imagine what hell will break lose if you cock-block this man
The ravenette turned his body in the slightest manner to say something but Felix was quick enough to do his job "no-" before Felix could speak she cut him off "oh and! the cameras work" she smiled cheekily before disappearing from their sight and shutting the door, Hyunjin's hand that previously was wrapped around Felix's waist turned into a fist as he gritted his teeth glaring at the now shut door with fuming rage
"Hyunjin I-" Felix's voice was small when he started talking but it stopped the minute Hyunjin turned around to gaze at him, his face burned up with a flaming shade of rogue and his eyes widened, this was too much for him. they haven't pulled away from the hug and it felt as though this entire room was on fire for both the boys yet Hyunjin had better control over his slipping sanity than Felix did, he blabbered onto words as he pulled away from Hyunjin looking here and there, everywhere but the taller's eyes
"I'll go- um help hye-jin out, she needs- there's work and I should be um working because I need to work" he continued on with his nonsense rubbing his nape as he gulped and licked his lips continuously, while as adorable as Hyunjin found that he still bit back the wide grin that threatened to appear on his face "shh" was all the raven head whispered giving Felix enough courage to finally look up at his face, his eyes were met with a softly smiling Hyunjin which helped put him at ease but it didn't calm the fervor that scorched in him "give me this" he raised his hands and eyes to take away the cap that was sat on Felix's head and wore it on his own, adjusting it to his taste he stepped closer to take his apron
it was happening again- all over again. the close touch, the warm breath of Hyunjin fanning against his face, his piercing eyes that turned into a glimmering star each time they looked at Felix, an intimacy that was heavy and aching. Felix's breath hitched before it stopped altogether, eyes shut tightly he sucked in a deep breath and held it there unable to smell the scent of Hyunjin anymore, he wouldn't be able to take it
he was already losing it, like absolutely losing it because of what he's done earlier and he could not take any risks with his uncontrollable desire anymore, it was better to run than regret "done" Hyunjin's murmur lingered in his ear like he whispered it right against it, and the breath that made goosebumps rise on his neck was proof that he in fact, did whisper it right against his ear with his face inches away from Felix's
while Felix was combating every nerve in his body Hyunjin on the other side has lost any shame and dignity he previous had, any remaining senses of his conscience has been washed away when Felix sealed their lips together and he was not going to give this up, he wanted it. so bad, terribly bad. and he was determined to finish what they'd been robbed of, a proper kiss, a kiss where he'll get to taste the other just like he's imagined in his head for at least over a thousand times, and as ashamed as he was of those alarming thoughts he held no control over it
"I- I'll go" Felix let out the breath he's been holding onto for so long as he stepped away from Hyunjin handing him the apron and avoiding his eyes. sweat dripping from his neck as he gulped and quickly turned around, not even sparing Hyunjin a glance he rushed out of the room with shaking legs and hands
A loud 'argh' echoed in the quiet of the staff roam as Hyunjin drove his fist into the empty wall out of frustration, there was enough regret about hurting Felix and now there was more to add to the list. He was going insane if it wasn't obvious already and his impulsive decisions only made things worse, he was infuriated with himself
'why did I do that? I shouldn't have been so goddamn idiotic, why do I lose all my control when I'm near him?'
He closed his eyes sighing deeply as he threw his head back in the air and attempted to calm the conflict that was going on between him and his mind, it was as though he's been trapped in a dark room, and surrounding him are the sharpest spikes ever with even sharper glass shards on the ground and above his head is a ticking bomb about to go off anytime from now
His contradictory thoughts made it hard for him to even breathe as his heartbeat picked up, the hauntings of his mistakes earlier followed the lingering ghosts of this mistake of his. He didn't want to scare Felix or disgust him by acting so vile 'what must he be thinking of me?' His head started aching terribly as he opened his eyes and before him was a blurred vision, he sighed deeply once again as he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms and licked his lips
Understanding it was better to get out there and finish work, he could take care of the rest later, besides, he desperately needed a distraction, something that could occupy him so he can get his mind off of this tragedy
____
As soon as Felix rushed out of the staff room a withering sigh left his lips, what just happened? His heart was drumming in his ears and his breathing was labored, he couldn't think of anything let alone straight. His mind was completely blank and all he felt was perplexion as he continued walking, despite the confusion his feet didn't stop for a second until his name was called out and he returned back to his senses
Turning his head he gazed at whoever had called out to him, "you guys are done already?" It was hye-jin, with her disturbing questions "i...what?" It took Felix a while to take in what she actually was saying and once he did, it was no better than not knowing. Not a single word made sense to him as he stood there in Infront of her staring at her face dumbfounded "like—with your stuff you know" she rolled her eyes with a teasing smile
"Was your boyfriend mad that I disturbed you guys? I'm sure he was, why are you even dating such a dick anyway? I mean I get it, he's like one god-looking hot man but still, you're no less than an angel yourself, you could get anyone. Well, whatever it's not like it's my business" she kept talking and all Felix could do was stare at her absolutely mesmerized about how this woman could talk at a 2x speed and still sound coherent
When she didn't receive a response other than widened eyes and a mouth hung slightly ajar she continued speaking "listen, I'm sorry if I was the disturbance but I mean don't be upset, you can finish when you get back home" she winked with a wider grin and that's when Felix finally caught into what she was saying, that's when he was finally pulled out of the abyss of silence as his already widened eyes turned into saucers in surprise
"oh god no! That's not what-" yet before his sentence could be completed he was cut off by the voice of the boy he's lost all his prudence to "you're still here? Do you want me to walk you home?" He turned his head to reveal a near-shattered and fragmented Hyunjin, his swollen red eyes, maroon tainted lips that were visibly constantly chewed on that they nearly drew blood and hair of a mess spoke it all, He was losing his shit. And Felix could see right through it all which left a pang in his heart
'why is he hurting? What is hurting him? Why won't he tell me?'
His insides twisted as he stared at Hyunjin with furrowed brows and eyes filled with worry "Jesus, Felix, what are you? A ferocious cat?" Hyunjin's state of misery was mistaken for a look of debauchery by hye-jin and it only made the brunette boy further frustrated to the point he nearly whined as he turned to silence her flowing assumptions about them "we're not-" but all he was speaking to was air as she had already passed by them with a tray full of food in her hands but what she wasn't aware of was the eyes that burned holes through her
Hyunjin's glaring was put to a pause when Felix spoke up forcing him to tear his eyes from the red-haired girl and look at Felix instead "no I... I'll walk my own" his voice sounded soft as he looked at Hyunjin who nodded with reluctance "and... thank you—for doing this" Hyunjin was painted blue by Felix's words as he sighed looking down at his feet "I'm not saying that to shame you, Hyunjin, it's genuine. This is very difficult, I'm just grateful you're willing to do this for me"
He explained himself following his words with a soft smile as he licked his lips staring at Hyunjin's guilty face before he turned to walk away, he would've comforted the other but he didn't find the situation appropriate enough to do so, besides he has all the time to comfort the ravenette and care for him. After all, he's the one Hyunjin's walking home to, he is his home
with a few steps taken the shorter stopped once again, in the midst of the crowd, in the midst of the blustering chaos around them he turned back to look at Hyunjin and when he saw him still standing there his lips curled up softly as he spoke "don't forget your promise" He reminded the taller to which he responded with confusion, he stared at Felix for a few seconds before his brows that were not a moment ago furrowed raised at the realization making Felix's smile deeper as he shook his head and murmured back "I won't"
"you'll take utmost care of yourself" Felix spoke his eyes sparkling like thousands of stars have taken residence in them
The moment replayed in Hyunjin's head as he watched Felix walk out of the café with a silly smile on his face
____
A fizzy feeling not only embraced Felix's taste buds and throat but his entire being as well, though the one in his mouth was from the soda he was drinking the one surrounding him was because of Hyunjin. His entire stomach twisted, butterflies have found their forever home in it, his heart felt as though it had broken through his ribs and was sitting right against the skin of his chest. He gazed out of the small window of his living room sitting on the heavy couch he's moved all alone with the sole purpose of watching the sky, he watched the trees dance and the wind sing for them as he let his deranged thoughts wander freely
His lips touched Hyunjin's, he almost kissed Hyunjin! And the taller wanted it, he didn't absolutely despise Felix for doing that. Instead, he wanted more even after being disturbed 'why? Why will he want that?' there were reasons Felix couldn't fathom and it drove him insane. The way Hyunjin looked at him made him squirm even now, he shivered squealing as he hid his face in his hands sighing before sitting up straight as he shook his head attempting to shake away his crazy thoughts as well
A wide grin romanced his face as he lost himself in the deep thoughts of what had occurred earlier, his hand raising subconsciously to touch where once Hyunjin's lips have been, his fingertips softly grazed over his bottom lip wanting to mimic the way the ravenhead's lips have felt but nothing could ever compare to the divine feeling of that, the utmost glory of having been pecked by Hwang Hyunjin. they were soft and so perfect, even if they didn't kiss he could still feel how absolutely perfect they fit against his like the gods molded his lips just so they can be kissed by Hyunjin like there was no other purpose at all. His stomach erupted with fireworks as he nibbled on his fingernails. this was wild, Absolutely fucking wild, he couldn't believe it had actually happened, he—Lee Felix, had made the first move and attached his lips to Hyunjin
Though it wasn't a proper kiss it was just a connection of both their lips for mere seconds he still felt proud of himself but also absolutely terrified and appalled. His wide grin that hasn't gone anywhere ever since he turned his back to Hyunjin finally vanished as foul thoughts replaced the honey-sweet ones 'what must he be thinking of me? He must be appalled, what if he only behaved like that because he's the nicest soul ever made and he just felt obligated to follow my steps'
His insides which once were gleaming now turned into a bleak hell as his stomach churned with apprehension and his heart began throwing up 'what if-' before his thoughts could go on the sound of the door opened and Hyunjin's beautiful, silky voice overtook his hearing making him turn around and glance at the ravenette "I'm home!" He yelled out taking off his shoes and his jacket, putting his belongings on the kitchen counter as he began walking toward the bedroom
"Felix?" He called out softly as Felix watched him with a mellow smile, noticing everything he did. "I'm here" he spoke as Hyunjin turned to look at him "oh? When did this happen?" He questioned, confused about the placement of the couch "an hour ago" Felix answered as Hyunjin watched his face with his own twisted into an expression that screamed 'the fuck?' "wait- you did this? Alone?" He questioned and Felix nodded nonchalantly making him sigh exasperatedly
"Felix! You're not supposed to do all of this" he scolded standing still in his place putting his hands on his hips as Felix shrugged his shoulders, giving no response to what Hyunjin previously said as he followed up with a question "did you eat?" The raven-head rolled his eyes before turning around to walk inside the room "hey! Answer me" Felix got off the couch and walked up to Hyunjin and followed him inside the room
"Did you eat?" He questioned again watching Hyunjin's back as the other opened the washroom door "yes I did" he answered, back still facing Felix. His voice sounded low and calm "what did you eat?" The brunette boy questioned, standing in the doorframe as he watched Hyunjin's back "a sandwich" Felix sighed resting against the doorframe as Hyunjin disappeared inside the bathroom
"that's not enough Hyunjin. I'll make you something better" he yelled turning to walk toward the kitchen but he was stopped on his way "don't bother! I'm not hungry" he turned his head to stare at the closed wooden door again "then, some tea?" He questioned, knowing the answer he still anticipated it with a soft smile on his face "yes please" the smile only grew in size as he walked out of the room
He adored these little things of Hyunjin so much
____
"I was supposed to make that tea" Felix sulked as he crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at Hyunjin who smiled warmly just like the tea that was in both of his hands as he walked closer to the couch and sat on it, right beside Felix "you did, I just poured it" Hyunjin chuckled lovingly at the other's childishness as he handed the cup to Felix before his eyes landed on the can that was on the other side of the brunette "huh? I thought tea was better" he snarked making Felix chuckle "you're rubbing on me" Hyunjin shook his head as the two sat in silence watching the universe's doings through the small window of this apartment they've shared their most intimate moments, the happiest moments of their lives
there was silence but it wasn't silence that filled you with unease or silence that menaced you to speak, just pure quiet, silence that was comforting and embracing. they sat in each other's presence and watched the sky until the teas they'd been sipping on finished as they settled the cups on the ground, but even after so long has passed they didn't speak and it was as good as it could've gotten. the moon shone so brightly upon the two's faces and grazed every inch of it, the sky was nothing but a canvas to Zeus who painted it into the most beautiful art ever. "It's so pretty" Felix whispered, slumping backward in the couch as Hyunjin turned to gaze at him, and upon doing so his heart skipped a beat and his breath was caught in his throat
'so pretty, indeed' his thoughts echoed, as he stared at the brunette with his elbow resting on the headrest of the couch and head placed in his palm while the latter remained unbeknownst watching the sky while Hyunjin watched him, took every detail on his face and admired it, memorized the way each of his freckles meets and the way his lips pucker upward, how his nose is the cutest thing on planet earth and how his eyes are an ocean he'd drown in a few million times
he was ethereal, absolutely divine, surreal beauty, so—perfect. "don't you think so?" Felix turned his head to look at Hyunjin only to find his eyes already on him, his face heated up upon having met the adoring gaze of Hyunjin as he cleared his throat to look away but the hand that was raised and placed on his cheek stopped him and so did it to his heart, his face was held gently by Hyunjin's hand as his thumb caressed his cheek "you're so pretty, Felix" the words were revolutionary to the aforementioned boy
he felt like he'll melt right here and now, no one has ever been this sincere to him and he couldn't bare it "I- I was talking about the sky" he tried to divert the topic but Hyunjin was stuck on the sight that his eyes have discovered "if you think it's pretty then sure, But I'm talking about you" his voice was so sincere it cut deep wounds on Felix as he stared at Hyunjin with eyes that quested 'is this real?' the soft touch that never stopped loving his cheek made him want to scream
"Oh...I" he was at a loss for words and the eyes that held him captive made it further difficult to speak, it felt as though Hyunjin's eyes bore magic so enchanting in them that Felix could never look away like he was bound and shackled left unable to do anything. "I don't agree but, thank you" he muttered softly, feeling shyer than he ever has "you don't have to agree, but you should know—the minute you see yourself with my eyes you'll realize there is no one more dazzling than you, no one compares to the beauty you behold, from within and outside"
it was a phenomenon to watch Hyunjin go from a word-vomiting boy to a deeply in love and devoted to his lover poet, he never even knew these words existed in his vocabulary he was a simple guy, just a guy, and look where he is now. "Hyunjin I-" Felix was in Hyunjin's shoes now, he was a man who always knew what to say and when to say, no matter the situation yet here he was absolutely stuck and frozen as if his brain has never learned a single word. what was he to do what was he to say?
"you don't have to say anything Felix" the taller smiled softly, understanding the situation Felix was in very well, he's been there a few too many times. he kept his eyes fixated on the brunette male who looked down at his hands, unaware of what to do next he played with his fingers until Hyunjin rested his hand on top of both of his making him look up again, with slightly widened eyes he watched Hyunjin take both of his hands into his own and raise them towards his face
Closing his eyes the taller leaned in and kissed his knuckles ever so gently, his lips stroking Felix's knuckles as beautifully as a rose grows in a pot. the fondling affection Hyunjin had drizzled Felix with made tears shimmer in his eyes and he hated it, he hated how many times he's cried today but this time wasn't of misery or ache, it was the feeling of being so loved and cared for
it was a sweet peck and lasted for several seconds before Hyunjin pulled away his lips from Felix's knuckles and rested them upon his shut eyes as he was worshiping a God, like he was devoting his life to some divine deity. "Hyunjin" the brunette whispered so softly that it poured love into Hyunjin's ears "I'm sorry, Felix" the older pulled away the hands from his eyes but didn't let go of them as he held them tight and stared at Felix, with eyes so sincere even truth itself would look like a lie in front of them
"Hyunjin- please-" Felix attempted to fight back and urge Hyunjin to stop apologizing but the older was convinced "no, Felix, let me talk" he silenced the other as he hung his head low in shame staring at the hands of his victim which were so well carved in his own, he will never stop loving how small they looked compared to his own "what I did was just disgusting and I...I'm so sorry for it, I don't know what happened to me, I just become this monster every fucking time he's in front of me" Hyunjin tried his best to not break down into sobs right here and now while his voice quivered as he kept his head low, too ashamed to even look up at Felix
"no matter how hard I try no matter how far I run I...I'll always end doing something that proves I'm his blood, something filthy something-- something that's just what he'll do. I'm a monster, Felix"
the words tore right through Felix as he was quick enough to shut Hyunjin up, the shorter pulled away his hands from Hyunjin's grip and held his face gently "No you're not" upon the act, Hyunjin was forced to look up and that's when Felix saw the pool of tear that danced in the latter's hypnotizing eyes "yes I am, Felix, Yes I am. I'm a goddamn monster that can't do anything but hurt people, I'm poison, I'm filthy- just like my fucking father" that's when the faucet broke, the faucet that has contained the largest dam of Hyunjin's emotions
"No-" Felix's words were cut off as Hyunjin pushed away his hands from his face and looked away, backing off to create distance between them as though he was appalled "don't touch me, i'm-- don't, I'm disgusting" Felix's entirety was shattered at seeing Hyunjin this broke and the fact he could do nothing but watch only made it worse "Hyunjin, no you're not disgusting, come here" the brunette male was trying his best to fight his own tears as he attempted to calm Hyunjin down
he licked his lips watching Hyunjin absolutely lose it as he gulped and held out his hands to grab Hyunjin "I'm sorry" he whispered hiding his face in his hands as he shook violently from the way he sobbed, there was so much agony around them that it suffocated Felix, he took in a deep breath and scooted closer to Hyunjin but the taller only moved away until he was at the end of the couch
"Just come here, let me hold you Hyunjin"
a grab over Hyunjin's wrist forced the boy to be vulnerable and bare under Felix's gaze as he kept his head low while the brunette pulled him closer and held him close to himself, letting him cry all he wanted. now that he held him he could break all he liked, he was here to clean up the scatterers and put them together anyway
incoherent mumbles of Hyunjin echoed in the quiet of the apartment for moments since Felix pulled the crying and crestfallen boy in his arms, who now hid his face in the brunette's stomach and lied there, curled up with Felix's thin arms draped over his shoulders while he hugged Felix's waist and dampened the material of his clothes by his nonstop tears but the latter didn't mind, at all
it was quiet for a while until nature grew tired of the silence and decided to disturb it with a loud bang of clouds and the pattering of summer rain, Felix watched the weather change as it began to rain while he sat there quietly with the only thing on his mind that was the boy laying his head in his lap, he was worried for Hyunjin, incredibly worried but he sat quietly and waited patiently for Hyunjin to return to his senses while in the meantime he watched the rain and listened to its melodies
paying attention to how every droplet that fell called out to its lover, before meeting the ground and having its bitter end he listened to how every passing of the wind changed the rain's direction and forced it to meet a different fate than was written for it and it cloaked him with melancholy
after some time he looked down at Hyunjin but all that was visible to his eyes was his ear as he smiled softly, pushing away his sweaty locks and revealing the side of his handsome face noticing his eyes have been closed and his mouth was apart he assumed the elder had fallen asleep so he sighed softly before he gently patted Hyunjin's head, massaging his scalp every once in a while
"only if you knew what you meant to me, Hyunjin. only if you knew the worth you hold in my eyes is greater than a million luxuries, only if you knew" he whispered so gently that even his own ears couldn't meet the sound, the rain outside was so powerful it was the only sound alarming in the quiet and small apartment
"Only if you were aware of what I feel for you Hyunjin, the love I hold for you—the love that is immeasurable and uncountable. The love that is far greater than for just a friend..."