'Whatever happened to forgive and forget, Christina?' Negan asks me in a dangerous tone. 'I thought we shook hands on a fresh start. Now this, does not feel like a fresh start.'
'I'm sorry', I say quickly. 'You're right.'
'Did you not mean that?' he asks with a deep frown on his face. 'Did you lie to me?'
I back away when he takes a step in my direction, but even though I got away from the chair, there's not much space to go in the relatively small doctor's office.
'I did mean it', I say weakly. 'I wouldn't lie to you again. I promise I'm doing the best I can, I just can't...'
'You can't what?' he asks impatiently.
'I can't forget it! I can work for you, I can be loyal to you, but I can't forget the looks on my friends' faces when they came back after you trapped them in that forest.'
Instead of backing away, I take a few steps in his direction now. I've been holding back ever since I got here. Afraid to say the wrong thing, afraid to unleash his anger. How can he expect me to just move on from everything he's done? Yes, he did one good thing for me, but it's not enough to make me forget. Besides, Ella's right. He found the meds for us, but they're not ours. They're just another thing he can hold over our heads.
'I can't get the image of Spencer's guts out of my mind', I continue, locking my eyes fiercely on his. 'Or Olivia's face with that bullet hole in it. Or Ron...'
I stifle a sob, thinking back to the sweet old man. Negan may not have personally killed him, but I'm pretty sure he would have pulled through with the right medication.
'I had to put him down', I say, swallowing back tears. 'Because you took his meds.'
I jab my finger into his chest to empathize the point, and he staggers back a little. I'm expecting him to yell back at me or grab my throat again like he did at Alexandria at any moment, but he doesn't.
'You've been different since we got here', I go on, not even sure what point I'm trying to get to. 'I thought you were the devil himself before, but maybe... Maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe you can be kind. But I remember what it felt like to be on the receiving end of your anger. Do you have any idea how scared I was when you found out that I hid the drugs? Or when you grabbed me by the throat? I thought you were going to kill me.'
'I apologized to you', he says, having recovered enough to respond to my rant. 'You got any idea how fucking rare that is? I don't apologize to anybody.'
'Okay', I say, rubbing my forehead as I turn away from him. I can not get this angry with him. He's never going to trust me like this, we'll never get out. But I can't help myself.
'And I appreciate that', I say, trying to calm myself down a little. 'But I still can't just get past everything. And if I could... what kind of person would that make me?'
'What do you mean?'
'I mean...'
I need to stop talking. Seriously, stop talking now.
'If I could really forget it, if I could forgive you, wouldn't that be an insult to their memory?'
My voice breaks a little at the end. Because this is exactly what's been keeping me up all night. How could I kiss him after everything he's done? I tell Ella that I hate him as much as she does, but while I can lie to her, I can't lie to myself.
I don't hate him as much as I should.
And that's dangerous. Because he's dangerous. He's staring at me with his brows deeply furrowed. I've no idea what he's going to do. I don't want to know what he'll do if I made him mad.
When he makes a move in my direction, I back away out of reflex. Not sure if he's out to hurt me or to comfort me. But his voice is soft when he speaks.
'I've been asking too much of you', he says, reaching out to me again. This time I don't back away when he puts his hand on my shoulder.
'Your mind may be here, but your heart is still with Alexandria. I get it. Your loyalty is admirable. But let me ask you something.'
I've been keeping my eyes away from him, because I don't want him to see my tears. But he leans in closer and gently turns my face to make me look at him.
'Did anyone try to stop my people when they brought you here?'
'They did', I say weakly.
I remember Rick trying to stop Simon. You can't take her, she belongs here, he said. What could he have done against all that power?
'A half-hearted protest from what I've heard from Simon', Negan scoffs. 'Nobody really tried. After everything you did for them, they let me take you from your home just like that.'
I remember Rick looking away when I begged him for help. Others did too. But it wasn't their fault. People would have died if they tried to stop it and they'd have taken me anyway.
'I've been back, you know', Negan continues ruthlessly. 'Guess how many people asked about you? Nobody did. You have a good heart, Christina, but you're wasting it on the wrong people.'
Nobody asked about me? There's no way of knowing if he's telling the truth. Or even if he is, maybe they were afraid to ask. I'm sure my friends miss me. They didn't want him to take us.
'You're lying', I say. But it comes out as a feeble whisper. I try to avert my eyes again, but once again he doesn't let me.
'I would never lie to you', he says, starting intently into my eyes, his fingers on my jaw. 'And I would never let anyone take you away from me like that. I would not stand by and let somebody drag you from your home.'
What are you talking about? I want to scream. You are the one that did that to me!
'I would never let anyone hurt you.'
You have hurt me.
'Don't look so scared, Christina. I'm not mad at you. I'd never get mad at you for telling me the truth.'
Suddenly, he wraps his arm around me and pulls me to his chest. My breath falters as he runs his hand soothingly over my hair and back. I'm afraid to move. Or don't I want to? He's the one that did all this to me and now he's telling me that he'll keep me safe? He's crazy. But so must I be, because why else would I feel comfortable with his arms around me?
'I don't need you to forget what I did. I don't need you to forgive me. In time, you'll see that I did what I had to do to keep my people safe. And you're one of those people now. As long as you're mine, you'll always be safe.'
His?
He gently pushes me back, so he can look me in the eye again. I look back at him in a bit of a daze. I'm not even sure how to feel anymore.
'You said it yourself, I gave you the best gift anyone's ever given you. I've done more for you in a week than Rick and those other assholes ever did for you. You know it's true Christina.'
'I don't know what you want from me', I mumble meekly.
'I want you, all of you. You've already exceeded my expectations. But your heart isn't in it. Because your loyalty is still with people that don't deserve it. I know you want to give in to me. But you're keeping yourself back.'
What does he know of what I want? What makes him think I want to give in to him? I can't be loyal to a man like that.
But isn't that what you want him to think?
My heart sinks. I've been trying so hard to get him to trust me. But this outburst proved to him that my loyalty is not with him. Yet.
'I'm doing everything you want me to', I tell him. 'I take care of your people as well as I can, what more can I-'
'Who are you?' he asks, cutting me off.
'What?' I ask in complete confusion.
'Tell me who you are', he commands, his eyes flicking from my eyes to my lips and back. I don't understand what he wants me to say.
'You know who I-'
'Who...' he repeats loudly, 'are you?'
I stare at him in confused silence for a moment. Then I swallow and answer his stupid question.
'Christina?'
'Yes', he says softly. 'For now.'
Then he finally lets me go and takes a step back.
'I'll see you tomorrow night', he says. 'For your supply of meds. I want you to think about everything I said. Think about why you're keeping yourself back from me. And ask yourself... is it worth it?'
And with that, he leaves.
I stare after him in a daze. How can one person be so terrifying, yet so enthralling at the same time?
I don't understand what he wanted me to say just now. But I know what he wants from me. He wants me, all of me. To not just do what he wants because he says so, but do it because I want to. To believe in him. To be truly loyal to him, to feel it in my heart.
So I need to make him believe that he has me. And I need to do that as soon as possible. So we can get out of here. Before I lose myself.
Before he really has me.