'So what did he want?'
'What?'
'What did he want?' Ella repeats impatiently. I look up at her as I close the door and try to get my mind to focus. But it's hard, because I left Negan's room and made my way to ours in a bit of a daze.
'Nothing', I say stupidly.
'Nothing?' Ella repeats, raising her eyebrow skeptically. 'Why did he order you to come to his room for nothing?'
'I mean, no, not nothing.'
I shake my head, trying to clear it. I must look like a crazy person to Ella. But I can't help it. That kiss! I never should have done it. But I did. And now I can't focus.
'No, there was something', I say, getting excited as I remember what led to the kiss in the first place. 'Ella, I have great news.'
She leans back a little when I rush over and grab her arms, an expression on her face that tells me she really does think I've lost my mind.
'He found more of your meds.'
'Who did?' She asks, confused. 'Negan?'
'Yes!' I yell, a broad smile breaking through on my face. 'Enough to last us years, a decade at least. I haven't counted them yet, but from what I could see it's like 5 times more than what we had.'
'Really?' she asks sounding more anxious than excited for some reason. 'Why would he do that for us?'
Then suddenly her face darkens and she looks at me closely.
'Chris, did he make you do something for it? Is that why you were acting so weird?'
My smile falters a little bit. No, he didn't make me do anything. He didn't have to.
I don't know what came over me. I came on to him like I was drowning and he was the air I needed to breath. My cheeks burn at the thought of his strong arms around me. His hard chest under my hands. His fingers wrapped through my hair. His hot mouth on mine.
There was a knock on the door. It startled me back into reality and I practically jumped away from him. He looked at me with gentle eyes, but then there was another knock and his face turned to a look of annoyance.
'What the fuck is it?' He yelled at the door.
Somebody hesitantly opened the door and a man I'd never seen before peeked inside.
'Um, I'm here for our meeting, sir.'
Negan opened his mouth, ready to shout at him, but then seemed to catch himself in the last moment.
'Shit, Gavin, you're fucking right', he said, running his hand over his face. 'I double booked. Come back tomorrow.'
Gavin nodded and already got ready to leave the room, but now, out of Negan's embrace, the reality of what I was doing hit me.
'No, wait!' I yelled, causing Negan and Gavin both to look at me. 'Have your meeting. I should go.'
'I want you to stay, Christina', Negan said in a husky voice that made shivers run down my spine.
'No', I said, stepping away from him before he could stop me. 'I have to go. I have a... thing. I can't... I don't...'
I didn't make any sense. Negan stood there, staring at me as I made my way awkwardly to the door. He crossed his arms slowly across his chest and looked at me with a mixture of amusement and disappointment in his eyes.
'Thank you again', I say, glancing over at the boxes. 'So... bye.'
Then I pushed past Gavin and ran down the hall to my room, my heart pounding loudly all the way. Negan didn't try to stop me, even though I broke his rule of walking around without a guard. But I'm in no state to be trying anything and I think that was obvious to him.
I was hoping to catch my breath and clear my mind within the safety of our room, but of course, I should have remembered that Ella would be there waiting for me.
'No, he didn't make me do anything', I tell her, hoping she won't read into the coloring of my cheeks. Obviously, she can never ever find out that I decided to kiss him. 'He wanted to thank me. For my dedication and stuff.'
'Your dedication and stuff', she repeats, still skeptical.
'Yes.' I smile at her, trying to get her at least a little bit excited. Why isn't she excited? This is the best thing that has happened to us in years.
'You get it, don't you?' I ask her. 'We were gonna run out in three years or so. And we had no plan for what to do next. Now we don't have to worry about it anymore. Not for years, anyway. No seizures, Ella!'
'I get it', she says. But still, she's not excited. If anything, she looks at me doubtfully. Maybe she just doesn't dare to believe it.
'It's good news', she says hesitantly. 'But, the meds aren't ours, are they? They're his and he can take them away from us as quickly as he gave them to us.'
'He wouldn't do that', I say, frowning at her. Why is she so reluctant to take the good news? My own joy is starting to recede a little. Maybe not just because of her lackluster reaction. Maybe it's also because she's right.
'Why not?' she asks agitatedly. 'Because he's such a great guy? Because he'd never even dream of fucking anybody over?'
'Because he likes me, Ella', I snap at her frustratedly. 'He's happy with everything I'm doing around here.'
'He likes you, because you act like you like him', she hisses at me through gritted teeth, on account of the guards outside our room. 'But it's fake, right? An act to get him to trust you so we can get out of here. Do you think he's going to hand over those meds in a goodybag as we climb over the fence?'
I pull back from her a little, the sharpness of her voice cutting straight through me. She's right. Of course, she's right. We had already discussed that I would ask Negan at some point if we could just keep the medication in our room, so we could take it with us when we try to escape. Later, when I'd have gained more of his trust. We would have managed to stuff those meds in a backpack or something. But we'll never be able to take all those boxes with us if we want to sneak out of here.
'It is still fake, isn't it?' Ella suddenly asks me sharply. 'You acting like you get along with him?'
'Of course, it's fake', I say, feeling flustered. I don't even dare to look into her prying eyes right now. It is fake. I don't like him.
Then why did you kiss him?
Ugh.
I shake my head and focus my attention back to her.
'We'll find a way to take it with us when we escape. Okay? We just have to... figure it out.'
'Great, we can just work that into the rest of our elaborate escape plan', she says sarcastically.
'We will figure it out, okay?' I say adamantly. 'This is good news. Let's just be happy about it. The rest will come later.'
'Okay', Ella says, putting on a smile. For my sake, it seems.
'Okay', I repeat, smiling back at her. 'I know it's pretty early, but I'm gonna take a shower and go to bed, okay? I'm exhausted.'
'Sure.'
I pull her in and plant a short kiss on the top of her head. Then I make my way to the bathroom. I'm not tired. In fact, I'm feeling restless. Doubt I'll be getting any sleep tonight. But I need some time for myself, to think.
After a very welcome shower, I crawl into bed and tell Ella goodnight. And my mind starts to race as my inner voices start arguing.
Why on Earth did you do that? Have you forgotten what he's done? He's evil. Sadistic. A murderer!
But is he evil? Is he any worse than the people I call my friends? Rick didn't think twice about killing a whole bunch of people he didn't even know. Negan only killed 2 people in retaliation.
Only 2 people? You say that like you didn't even know them. They were your friends. Maggie's at the Hilltop, expecting a baby all alone, because he murdered her husband. There is no excuse for cruelty like that.
And what about Spencer? Even if you'd argue that killing Glenn and Abraham could be justified, he killed him just because he felt like it. And Olivia? You have known her for years. She was a good person and she didn't deserve to die. None of them did.
And have you forgotten how he tried to manipulate you? Used the one thing you care about most against you to get you to kiss him? Sure, he's been different since you got here. But only because he needs you. And you do everything he says. You've been under a lot of stress. Maybe you really did lose your mind a little, maybe that's why you kissed him.
But why did it feel so good?
Stop it! Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome. But he's a monster. You can not forget that. Ever.
I sigh and roll over to my other side to look at Ella. She's crawled up in her bed, reading a book by the light of her night lamp. Maybe there's another reason my mind has been fooling me into thinking that this place isn't so bad. That Negan isn't so bad. It's because it feels safe here. We thought we were safe at Alexandria, but when the Wolves attacked us, we realized we weren't. Then Negan took over so easily. I don't think that would happen here. I don't think I would lose Ella here.
But she's unhappy. And what's the point of living if you're unhappy?
We have to find a way out. And we have to find a way to take the meds. And we will. We will...