He is a coward.
Azriel is a coward.
He is the coward who left his mate crying on the doorsteps. He is the coward who was afraid of his mate accepting his own mating bond. He is the coward who is afraid of reality. He is the coward who is afraid of accepting the truth.
Morning sun burned his skin as Azriel stood outside the cabin he built in the outskirts of Velaris. It was like the sun knew. Knew what he did to his Xander. The sun was showing Xander's fury. The cabin is a silent retreat he built to have some peace and quiet. But he didn't feel any peace or quiet yesterday night. Xander's scream continued to echo in his ears all throughout his night. His eyes were bloodshot and cheeks were tear strained. His throat was closed from swallowing all the loud sobs that would have rattled the Illyrian mountains.
He didn't get a wink of sleep last night. Whenever he closed his eyes the mating bond pulsed inside him. His shadows left him alone the moment he came here. They still haven't returned back from wherever they are. They are also angry with him. Azriel is sure that he just blew up the grain of chance he had with Xander.
He stood there, just stood without his shadows, sun beating down on him mercilessly. He just stood there. A man without hope. A man without love. A man without his mate. Without his Xander.
Distant ruffling and snapping of branches caught his attention. His hand went straight to truth teller. He can turned around arms raised and ready to throw the dagger.
"Hello Az."
The dagger slipped from his hand and dropped to the ground. Azriel's knees gave away and they slumped to the ground. There he stood. Surrounded by a hurricane of shadows ready to pounce if given notice. The shadows are both his and the ones Xander created for himself.
Xander was kneeling before him in an instant. Shadows surrounded both of them and took them to the shadow of the large oak tree. The moment their knees touched the ground the shadows retreated back to Xander.
"How?" Azriel asked. His voice beating threatening to give out. Xander's face is a mask of neutral calm. Azriel couldn't meet his gaze. He diverted his eyes to the ground. His eyes stung, his heart was beating like crazy. The mating bond was pulsing inside him. The bridge was as clear as a day.
"I had some help," Xander shrugged. The shadows. He must have listened to the shadows. Azriel could not help the pride swelling inside of him. His lips tugged up as he imagined Xander swearing like a sailor trying to control the little rascals.
"I think you know why I am here, don't you?" Xander asked him. He just sat on the ground in front of him. His white shirt doing very little to hide his body. Azriel sat before him cross legged.
"Xander....." Azriel started.
"No," Xander interrupted him. "Look up, shadow singer," Xander commanded him. Mother above Xander is angry. The tone in which he said shadow singer made him gulp loudly.Azriel hesitantly met his gaze. His eyes were unreadable. Rhys. He is following what Rhys does most of the time. He is wearing a mask. The anticipation will kill him, if Xander didn't kill him first.
"You don't get to talk. You are going to shut up and sit here and listen what I have to say. And answer the question I have. Do you understand?" Xander asked him. Azriel just nodded his head. "Words Azriel. Use your words," Xander told him. "I understand," Azriel mumbled.
"When? When did the bond click for you?" Xander asked him.
"The first time I took you for the training ring. I had you pinned down. When I saw your eyes I felt it. I felt like I was whole for the first time. Yet I was afraid," Azriel admitted.
"Where you ever planning on telling me?"
"Yes," Azriel told him immediately.
"When? After I died of old age? I wasn't a fae like you Az. I didn't have an eternity to find love. I was a mere mortal who would have died in the upcoming war. Did you think about that when you decided that? Did you think about what I want? Did you just for a second believe that I wanted that? Wanted you?" Xander fumed.
"Damn it Az. You were the only hope in my life. You were the only happy and joy I got from this whole fae fiasco. Those evenings with you were the only time I woke up to in the mornings," Xander's voice broke.
"You are the reason I haven't gone insane Az. You are the one who gave me the strength to come out of that wretched cauldron," Xander's flayed his hands. He was breath heavily. Tears were running down Azriel's face freely. Xander didn't want to make him cry. But he has to do it. He can't allow Azriel to degrade himself of all that he deserves.
"I followed you Azriel. I followed the bond when I was stranded alone in that cauldron after..." Xander gulped. "After thrown in. I followed the bond. I followed the shadows. I followed your broken sob," Xander admitted.
Azriel was looking at him with blood shot eyes. Xander's heart constricted in his own chest. "Now talk. Talk with me Azriel. Make me understand," he sobbed.
"I am the bastard son of an Illyrian lord. For eleven years I lived with my father, step mother and two half brothers. My step mother and half brothers were as cruel as they come. I lived in a dark cell without windows or lights. I grew up in the dark. I was only allowed to come out only an hour for the day. I was only allowed to see my mother once a week for only an hour.
I wasn't allowed to fly even though my Illyrian instincts begged for me to fly. I wasn't allowed. When I was eight my half brothers, they decided to see what happened when they mixed Illyrian quick healing with fire and oil. They thought it would be fun. They poured oil on my hands and lit it on fire. Again. And again. And again. My father's warrior heard my screaming and rescued me but not quick enough to save my hands, leaving me permanently scarred," Azriel tried to hid his hands. But Xander took hold of his hands and didn't let go.
"That happened on Tuesday, so I had to wait four days before I had my mother tend to my wounds. So the scars. They didn't let me see a healer. So I waited. Waited as my Illyrian healing kicked in mauled my hands rather than healing it. When my mother saw my hands she didn't want to let me go back there. Then my father's warriors came to retrieve me she fought them. But she wasn't strong enough. They nearly beat her to death and took me with them," Azriel told him.
Xander was stunned. He knew. He knew something has happened to Az in his past. But he didn't think that it happened when he was a mere boy. Rage pounded against his head begging to set them free. But he willed it to calm down.
"Are they dead? Your father, brothers, step mother?" Xander's voice was cold. As cold as the court Kallias rules over. "Something like that," Azriel told him. Xander blinked at the answer. Those who harmed his mate was walking alive?
"I was eleven when they found out I am a shadow singer. They dumped in windhaven. Devon was over the moon when they brought me there. There aren't many shadow singers. I was different. So Cass and Rhys particularly enjoyed beating the new, silent and shy boy. Rhys's mother knew my mother. She took me and we all completed the blood rite.
Then one day during the war talks Rhys's father came to the camp. He saw his son associating himself with the most powerful Illyrian warriors. He though that Rhys was scheming to throw him out of his throne. He became paranoid. He separated us. He put Cassian as a common foot soldier when he was stronger than any commanders. Rhys, as a son of the high lord was expected to lead legion and he gave him one. Me. He took me for himself. His own personal shadow singer. Those seven years were the longest seven years of my life. I didn't know if my brothers were alive. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone. I have to be by the high lord's side all the time. Like a chained slave," tears continued to fall down Azriel's cheeks.
"And then there was Mor. I am sure you know what happened to her," Azriel asked him. Xander nodded his head. Mor has already told him what happened. "I was the one who found her in the autumn border. I thought that I loved her all the time. But I wasn't sure anymore. Because I didn't feel like my world was stopping whenever I was with her. She always ignored me. She was afraid. And I wasn't what she needed. She wants someone else. That person wasn't me. And I thought I never deserved to be loved and that's why she didn't love me. I gave up. I gave up on love. I gave up on everything good in life.
"And then I saw you. Standing there with one of the powerful fae tucked under your arms. And you buried a dagger into the most powerful high lord," a ghost of a smile formed on his face.
"You were so full of life and love. You were full of defiance and bravery. So pure and so innocent. And then you threatened to skin us alive. And that was the time I admired your bravery. And you stood for your sister when Cassian raised his voice against her. The fire in your eyes made me shiver in my seat. And that was the moment I wondered about how it would feel like to be loved by Xander Archeron.
"I came back the very next evening and you weren't home. I had to see you. So I hid in the shadows and searched the whole village for you. When I found you were pounding the living starlights out of a man thrice your size. It was because he beat his wife and child. The boy was clutching your leg and crying, he didn't let you go. You took him to your home and played with him. You made him forget all about his father. That was the first time, first time in my entire life time I wished that I could have met someone like you when I was a boy," Azriel told him.
Robert. He was talking about Robert. He nearly made Robert's father's face unrecognisable. The man was barely able to stand and breath when Xander was through him.
"I promised myself. I promised that I would stay away from you. It was so fast. I fell in love with you so fast. I thought if stayed away it would pass. So I avoided coming to mortal realm for the next three days. Those three days were the longest and cruelest days of my life. So I came back. And you asked me to train you. I thought why not I have trained so many warriors in my life. You would be just another one. You were already better at fighting. I was proud of you, I didn't know why I was proud. And that same day, the same day the bond clicked for me. I felt emotions I haven't even dreamt in my life. You are my mate. You are my mate.
"And you didn't flinch away from my touch like many. You only seemed to be attracted by it. And you kissed my scars. That was my first undoing. No one in my entire life except my mother has done that. And I kissed you. I lost myself in that single kiss. I savoured it and I promised myself that it would be the last time I would touch you like that. And the following days you didn't talk about the kiss. So I thought you regretted it. So I tried to forget the kiss. I tried to forget the mating bond. But how could I forget it when it was pulsing like a living breathing being each time I saw you. And not to mention my shadows.
"And then you broke down in front of the mortal queens. I didn't know how to comfort you. So I comforted you the only way I knew. I promised myself to you. I was ready to tear through armies just for you. And that was the moment I realised without a doubt that I fell in love with you."
Two tears rolled down his face. Just two.
"And I didn't come to see you for the next three days. That was the days I regret most in my life. Not the day I got burnt. Not that day. If I have been with you I could have saved you. I could have saved you from the hell Hybren put you through. When I saw you in nothing but a pair of pants and covered in blood from head to toe, I wanted to throttle Hybren with my bare hands. But I couldn't. I couldn't move.
"And you killed the guard with your bare hands. I never wanted you to do that. I wanted to be the one to do that. When Elain went inside the cauldron I heard you scream. That sound will echo in my ear till the day I die. I felt your pain. Your pain and agony. Your my mate. My mate. And he held your life in his hands. I couldn't move. I have never felt more useless in my life," Azriel's bit his cheek so hard that the coppery tang of blood reached Xander.
Xander's lip wobbled as Azriel continued.
"And you looked at me. With pain in your eyes. Not for you. For me. You took my pain away. Despite the pain you were in, you took my pain. You stood up and marched to the cauldron. And you were thrown in. I screamed. I screamed with all the energy I had down the bond. And then I felt you. Felt your power through the bond. The cauldron was changing you. Changing the person you were. I thought that if I got to you in time I could save you before it was too late. So I crawled to you bloodied and bruised. I didn't care about my pain at the time. I only cared about you. Only you. My mate. You were my mate.
"The cauldron tipped you outside. And you just laid there in my arms. You didn't look up. You didn't look up as Elain cried for you. And when you did it wasn't your eyes looking back at me. I thought I would go blind if I looked into your eyes. I tried, I desperately tried to calm you down. And then I passed out I didn't know what happened. When I woke up the next day and Rhys told me what happened. You healed me when you didn't even know what it was. And he told me that you nearly lost control. I was ashamed. Ashamed to see you. Because I failed you. I said I would fight for you and I didn't."
Tears rollled down Azriel's face.
"And the following days. You were so angry I felt it. I felt all of you. The burning rage, grief, sorrow and anger. I didn't know how to help,you. I tried. I tried everything I could. You were slowly healing and I didn't want to thrust the mating bond onto when you were just overcoming one tragedy. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be the one to look over you every single night. I wanted to be the person you woke upto during every morning. But I was unstable. I had my own nightmares. And then every single night I felt you drowning. I swam the hot waters to get to you every night. But I couldn't reach you sooner. When I finally reached you, you woke up."
The hands. The scarred hands which reached for Xander every single night it was Azriel. It was his Azriel. His mate.
"And then you found out about the bond. I was so afraid. So afraid that you would reject the bond. But I didn't want you to accept the bond either. Because if you did, you would be a part of my cursed life. And I didn't want that for you. Yet the thought of you with another made me go feral. I didn't know what to do. So I ran. I ran. And I hid. I hid from love. From the truth. From you. I hid from you. I had half a mind of ending my life if only that would save you from my life. But the pain of losing a mate alone would make you go mad or kill you. I couldn't subject that you. I couldn't.
"I love you so much that it started hurting me physically at a point. I love you so much that I was ready to rip apart Hybren for you when I saw you standing there in the middle of raging fire. I would do anything for you. But I am afraid. I am afraid of what will happen."
Azriel loosened a long breath and leaned back to look at Xander's face.
Xander watched as Azriel waited for Xander to tell him something.
"Someone once told me that eating chocolate would make you feel better. I am sure you are feeling pretty shitty right now. So you want some?" Xander extended the bar of chocolate to him. The chocolate that the little boy gave him on their night stroll in Velaris.
Azriel grabbed the chocolate bar. He broke it in half and fed it to Xander. Xander bit into the chocolate and chewed it. He didn't know if the chocolate in Velaris tasted different or it's because it was Azriel who was feeding it to him. The chocolate seemed far better than anything he has ever eaten.
Xander grabbed the rest of the chocolate from Azriel and extended it to Azriel. Azriel slowly opened his mouth and bit the chocolate. His tongue darted out and licked Xander's fingertips. It sent shivers down Xander's spine.
After he ate the chocolate, Xander climbed onto his lap and settled himself comfortable. He cupped Azriel's cheeks in both of his hands. He brushed his thumbs slowly across his cheeks.
"Listen to me Azriel and listen carefully. I will say this now. I will say this through out the rest of our lives. And in our death. And the life after that. And again. And again. And again. I will say it till you believe it. You deserve everything good thing this world has to offer and more. You deserve every single thing in this world. I will give it all to you and more. I will give you myself. I will give you myself Azriel. I know I am broken and I know I am not whole. But I am yours Azriel. And you are mine. So I would very much like it if you are there with me when I built what is broken inside of me. I know we both went through hell, I will go through all of it again in a flash if I can have you with me. I will go through it all, darling, just to hold you in my arms for a millisecond. I will fight tooth and nail to have you spend more time with me.
"If I can't save you I will follow you into the death. I will hold you in one hand while death grips my other and I will promise you Azriel, I will promise you to find in death and whatever comes after that. I promise. I will not let you suffer alone. Your pain is my pain. Your sorrow is my sorrow. Your happiness alone is mine, darling. I love you, Azriel. I love you."
"Say it again," Azriel rasped.
"I love you Azriel," Xander repeated.
Azriel crashed his lips onto Xander's and kissed him like his life depended on it. Xander felt Azriel get harden under him and he moaned into Azriel's mouth. He too became instantly hard when he felt Azriel's cock pressed into his ass.
"I love you, my love. I love you till the end of time," Azriel told him and rested his fore head against Xander's.