I don't manage to get much more sleep, but having a free morning still feels pretty good. Ella does get picked up to go to work in the morning, despite her protests, so I spend the morning on my own. It feels like the first time since I got here that I actually get to process everything and calm myself down a little.
Last night was horrible. Losing a patient was something I could never really deal with. More experienced doctors used to tell me you get used to it after a while, though it never gets easy. But I never even got used to it. And the way poor Walter went out... I don't think I'll be forgetting that any time soon.
I try to find some ways to get my mind off of it. The room Negan gave us is well-supplied. I haven't really explored the room that well yet, but since I've got the time now, I decide to open up some cabinets and I find a collection of dvd's. I gasp at the discovery. I haven't seen a movie in ages. The tv turns out to have a dvd-player attached, so I decide to turn it on. Being able to watch a movie actually helps me shut off my brain for a while. That's something I haven't been able to do in ages.
Around noon, there's a knock on the door. I'm expecting Cal to be there to take me to lunch and then to work, like Negan said, but when I open the door, I'm surprised.
'Oh', I say a little stupidly when I find Negan himself in the door opening. Then I remember to bow to him, so I get down on one knee. Fortunately he tells me to get back up pretty quickly.
'I wasn't expecting you', I say when I'm up from the floor again. 'You said Cal would pick me up, didn't you?'
'I did', he says. 'But I wanted to see how you were doing after last night. Are you feeling any better?'
Alright, so he was pretty nice last night, and now he's come over to check on me? Is any of this real, or is he just trying to win me over?
'Oh', I say again. 'Yes, I'm feeling a little better. Didn't get much sleep anymore, but it was nice to have some time to myself, I guess.'
He's always so close. And he's always maintaining such intimate eye contact. I often find myself looking away from his hazel eyes, because it makes me nervous to look into them. But I make sure to smile and to keep my eyes on his anyway.
'That's good to hear', he says, sounding pretty genuine. 'To make you feel even better, I thought some fresh air might do you some good.'
It takes me a beat to realize what he's saying. But when it hits me, I can't hide my excitement.
'I can go outside?' I ask him, a real smile making its way to my face this time. I haven't been outside in three days, not since they dragged me here. All I've seen these past few days are this room, the doctor's office, Negan's room, the cafeteria and a lot of grey hallways. Just the thought of feeling the sun on my skin again lifts my spirit.
Negan chuckles at my excitement and turns around to get going.
'Come on', he calls out. 'We'll have a little picnic, sweetheart.'
As I follow Negan through the building, I try to get my nerves under control. I wasn't expecting to see him, so I wasn't mentally prepared to face him. Of course, I wasn't yesterday either, but I was too fucked up to put on any kind of act anyway. Fortunately, it seems to have worked to my advantage. Or he wouldn't be here to see how I'm doing, right?
I sigh in relief and close my eyes for a second to soak up the son when we step outside the building. It's hot, but there's a nice breeze today. I didn't even fully realize how trapped I felt until now.
'Happy?' Negan asks, looking amused as he watches me.
'Very', I say. 'If you'd kept me locked up in there much longer, I might have lost my mind.'
The expression on his face seems to waver a bit. Shit, I shouldn't have said it like that. I told him I'm giving this place a chance, so I probably shouldn't complain about being here. When he speaks again, it's clear that he didn't like it.
'I don't want you to see yourself as my prisoner, doc', he says, closing in on me. 'We're on the same team now, aren't we?'
Hard to not see yourself as a prisoner when you're not allowed to leave your room on your own... It's only been three days, but I'm already sick of being guarded all the time.
'You're right', I say quickly. 'I'm sorry, I'm just... a little tired, still.'
'Of course', he says, his demeanor relaxing a little. 'I understand. I was very impressed with you last night. My people need a doctor that cares about them like you do.'
He reaches out and puts a hand on my back to gently usher me forward. Though I'm very capable of walking without any help, I only smile at him and let him guide me around the terrain. I do seem to have gained his favour last night, though I wasn't even trying. Maybe I should use it to my advantage.
'I do care about these people', I start cautiously. 'They're good people.'
'You made some friends?' He asks, looking down on me as we walk.
'Well, I met some great people...' I bite my lip anxiously before I continue. If he doesn't like what I ask, I might just lose the credit I've gained with him. 'But I think it would really help us fit in more if we could just... move about the place a bit more freely.'
Negan stops suddenly. Shit, did I push it too far? I hold my breath when I turn to see his expression, but then I realize he didn't stop walking because of what I said. We've reached a sort of picnic table with a covered tray on it. Our lunch, maybe?
'Take a seat', he says, gesturing to the table. A little nervously, I sit down at the table. I wish Negan would respond to what I said, but instead he just takes a seat on the other side of the table and draws the tray towards him to lift the cloth covering it. Some plates with sandwiches and a jug of orange juice appear. Having skipped breakfast, my stomach starts to rumble at the sight of it.
'Help yourself, doc', he says, grabbing a plate and some sandwiches for himself. I smile tentatively at him and grab some as well, still waiting anxiously for his answer.
'I get it', he says finally, after taking a bite from his sandwich. 'But you've only been here three days. I can't risk it yet.'
'I'm not asking you to hand over the keys of the building', I say, pushing it a little further. 'But maybe if we could just explore this place a little... With a guard, if you want. I mean, it's such an impressive place you've got and we've only seen such a small part of it.'
A little flattery never hurt anybody, did it? The truth is that I don't give a shit about finding out more about this place. I want to see less of it, not more. But we need to find our way if we ever want to escape. And if we can show him that we can go around this place without causing any trouble, maybe we'll eventually get our chance.
He smiles a little too knowingly. I remember how Cal warned me not to bullshit him. Maybe I should be careful not to overuse flattery after all.
'You already know the way to my room', he teases me. 'If you really want to be impressed, I could show you some things right there.'
I stop myself from rolling my eyes just in time. He's so annoying, making a joke out of it when it's so important to us. But he's never gonna give me anything if I show him that he annoys me.
'Really?' I say coyly, playing stupid. 'I don't think I've seen anything in there that could impress me.'
'Trust me, it was right in front of you when you were bowing for me.'
Jesus Christ. What am I supposed to say to that? I look into his gleeful face over my sandwich. He certainly seems to be enjoying himself.
'Are you never going to stop asking me to sleep with you?' I ask. 'You like getting turned down or something?'
'I'll stop asking when you finally say yes.'
'It's never going to happen', I say, finding it more and more difficult to hide my annoyance.
'It might be good for you, you know', he continues, an amused smile on his face the whole time. 'You're so stressed. I could help you with that.'
'I'm stressed because of you', I snap. Shit, why does he make it so hard to stay nice to him? But he doesn't get mad. His grin only grows wider.
'You were all little miss sunshine before I came along?' he asks sarcastically.
'Yes', I reply, just as sarcastically. 'Never had a care in the world.'
'Well, if I caused all this stress, it's only fair I solved it, isn't it?'
'You really think sex with you is magically going to take all my stress away?' I ask exasperatedly.
'You know, sex causes your body to release endorphins', he tells me, seemingly unmoved by my reaction. 'Hormones that make you happy, right? You're a doctor, you should know that.'
'Hm', I scoff, squinting at him sceptically as I throw him a fake smile. 'Actually, orgasms cause the body to release endorphins, and there's no guarantee that will happen, is there?'
'You don't think I could make you orgasm?' he asks, clearly offended.
'I don't know, do I?' I shrug, ready to be done with this subject. 'Anyway, bad sex actually causes more stress, so... better not risk it.'
'They teach you that in med school?' he asks, raising an eyebrow.
'No, that's personal experience.'
He laughs loudly at that and a small chuckle escapes me too. Though I planned on fooling Negan into trusting me, he actually seems to like me best when I'm being myself.
'Okay, fine', he says suddenly once he's done laughing. 'You and Ella can go wherever you like, when you're off work. With a guard. I'll make sure there's always someone outside your room that can take you wherever you want to go.'
My heart seems to take a little jump. This is a huge step! We can start finding our way around the Sanctuary. Get to know some people, maybe even find some allies. And if he's willing to give me this after just a few days, he might just be willing to give up the guard in a little while.
'Really?' I ask excitedly. 'Oh my God, thank you!'
In my excitement, I reach my hand across the table to grab his arm and squeeze it in an appreciative gesture. He looks down in surprise and I immediately feel a little embarrassed. I pull my hand back quickly before he can do something stupid, like kiss it again.
I catch him smiling shortly before he pulls his face into a sterner look.
'I'm trusting you here, Christina', he tells me seriously. 'But if you or Ella ever try to run or to break any of my rules, you'll lose every privilege you've gained, immediately. And there will have to be punishment', he adds ominously.
'What kind of punishment?' I ask nervously, remembering Cal telling me he'd chain me to the wall. Negan looks at me intently, a small grin coming back to his face as he seems to think about it.
'I'll think of something', he says finally. Well, I can see what he's thinking about and I feel a little blush coming to my face because of it. I clear my throat to hide the awkwardness and look away to take another bite of my lunch.
'No need to think of anything', I say, keeping my eyes on my sandwich. 'We won't try anything. I'm sure we'll love this place.'
'I bet', he says skeptically. Then he leans across the table to make me look him in the eye again. 'If you ever do find yourself willing to come to my room, you can tell the guard to stay put. Unless you like an audience.'
'I'll remember that', I say shortly.
'You'll never want to leave after getting some of that.'