| Hazel |
The next morning felt different to me for some reason.
Maybe it was the amount of wine that I consumed last night.
It just felt like a dark cloud was hovering over me, all I felt was sadness and I couldn't pinpoint exactly where it was coming from.
I picked up my phone, hoping to see something that would make me smile, only to be faced with the reality of my sadness.
Todays date.
My heart sunk realizing what it was and tears immediately filled my eyes.
It was the date of my dads death.
I had been so caught up in Shuri and I that I didn't even prepare myself, mentally or emotionally, for it.
I quickly got up, hurrying to lock the door before someone had the chance to come in and see me like this.
I was prepared to spend the day alone, stuck in my sorrow. At least that was my hope.
I fell back into the bed, allowing my tears to fall eventually leading to me sobbing into one of the pillows.
I was crying so hard, I had forgotten how to breathe.
I didn't know if I felt worse because I hadn't realized the day was coming or because I was halfway around the world and not spending this day with my family like usual.
A knock on the door caused me to suck up my tears quickly, hoping whoever was on the other side wouldn't hear me.
"Hazel" Riri's voice called through the door.
I don't think I could get up even if I wanted to. I sat there, staring at the wall, listening as the knocks continued.
I knew it was probably be better to be alone, being that my sadness would only turn into anger that I would take out on everyone.
Eventually the knocking stopped, making me let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
I got out of the bed, slowly walking to the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
My eyes were red and puffy and mucus filled my nose, making it even harder to breathe.
I cleaned my face up, hoping that would be my only breakdown of the day but knowing I would still be spending it by myself.
I took one last big breath in, letting it out slowly before leaving the bathroom.
The sight of Shuri standing in front of the door almost made my heart jump out of my chest.
"How'd you get in here?" I mumbled, avoiding her stare.
"Did you really think I wouldn't be able to get into my own room?" She laughed.
I walked back to the bed just as slow as I had left it, wrapping myself back in the blankets.
Her smile faded when she realized I wasn't in the same mood as her.
"What's wrong?" There was concern in her voice as she rushed over beside me.
"Nothing." I continued to mumble, pulling my knees up to my chest.
"Have you been crying?"
"Shuri please just leave." I closed my eyes feeling the emotions starting to come back to me. I knew it wouldn't be long before anger made an appearance.
"Tell me whats wrong." She said, moving closer to me only to be pushed away.
"No. Leave." I snapped at her.
She sighed, getting up from the bed and walking out of the room.
The heaviness continued to take over as I rocked side to side, resting my head on the bed frame.
I closed my eyes, debating if I should call my family, I wonder if they felt the same as me or if somehow it was easier for them this year.
The feeling of the bed shifting caused my eyes to shoot back open, seeing that Shuri had returned.
My assumption was that she had went to talk to Riri, who told her everything, because her facial expression seemed more empathetic than before.
"I really don't want you here right now." My tone was still harsh and cold.
"Hazel I'm not leaving you like this. Not today. I don't care how mean you decide to be."
I knew she wasn't going to back down and there was probably no way I would win this fight.
A part of me wanted her to just wrap her arms around me and hold me, but my rage wouldn't allow me to tell her that.
As if she had just finished reading my mind, she moved beside me, resting her back against the bed frame, pulling me onto her lap and wrapping her arms around me.
"I'm sorry that you're going through this." She whispered.
Her words made me feel comforted, like she really cared.
I wouldn't even let Riri come around me on this day, ever. So her being here right now, told me a lot.
I think it was that, that made me decide to finally talk.
"They say time heals all wounds, but why does it still hurt this many years later?"
"Because time doesn't heal all wounds." She responded, running her fingers through my hair. "You take it one day at a time and you just learn to adjust to the pain. You learn what your triggers are and you avoid them, but you never truly heal."
"I don't know why I'm so sad. I think me almost forgetting made me wonder if I'm starting to forget him."
She remained quiet, continuing to play with my hair.
"And I feel like I've abandoned my family, we sulk in our sadness together on this day, and I'm here instead of being there with them"
"Maybe you needed a new environment this year."
"How is it that I'm always crying around you and you never seem to cry." I chuckled. "I need tips on how to be as strong as you."
"I think you're stronger. You actually acknowledge your feelings while a part of me is still in denial. It hurts to feel, so I pretend that they are nonexistent."
"I'm sorry." I sighed, feeling selfish that I was crying over a loss from more than a decade ago while hers were still somewhat fresh.
"It's fine."
"Don't you have work you should be doing?" I asked, attempting to lift the dark cloud that was now hovering over both of us.
"I do, but it doesn't come before you."
"I'm fine."
"Hm, do you want to tell that to my tear stained pillow case?" She asked, making me laugh.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"Can we just stay like this all day?" I felt so comfortable just sitting here resting on her chest.
"Of course we can."
I let out a relieved sigh, allowing a smile to settle on my face.
I'm pretty sure it was the first time that I had smiled today.
"Can I admit something?" I asked, disrupting the comfortable silence.
"Sure."
"I was never this person before I met you. I would never confess my feelings, or overthink, or seem so insecure about everything."
"Hm."
"I know it sounds bad, but I think the reason that I'm like this now is because I'm just so scared to lose you and the slightest thing that may take you away from me, just makes me spiral."
She placed a kiss on my forehead, squeezing me tightly.
I was actually shocked at how transparent I was being at the moment, I guess it was the rush of emotions that made me feel like she needed to know that.
"I'm not going anywhere."
• • •
So sorry for this somewhat sad chapter on this day of love, I just felt like we needed a little vulnerable moment, it's been a minute. Happy Valentine's day! ♥️ I hope y'all's day is filled with love and joy!