Gentle reminder that this story is for adult readers only.
Trigger warning: suiidal thoughts and erotic scene.
This chapter contains an erothic scene. In this chapter suicidal thoughts of a main character are mentioned. The opinion about suiside, expressed in the chapter, is one of the character, not mine. It is not my intent to judge or critisise people with depression, PTSD and anxiety. I do not want to encourage anyone to commit suicide. Anyone who considers the topic triggering, should not read the chapter. Mental health is a serious issue and my intent here is only to show, based on my own experience, how a mind of a person with depression can function. Anyone, who experiences any problems or difficulties should seek professional help. If you know anyone who suffers from depression or you suspect so, please ask specialists how you can help.
After a few seconds, he came closer. Why on earth he was the one to find her? Haven't she got parents, friends any other family members to watch her, care for her and help her out? Why there was no one else for people like her.
Like him.
Like THEM.
He looked down on her pale face, on her parted lips and long eyelashes hiding half-closed eyes. He bent to check the pulse.
And she jumped, nearly hitting him in the face with her forehead.
"For the fuck's sake, Granger, you are alive?" It was not the most delicate or tactful question.
Before he noticed, too shocked to act with his usual speed, she was pointing her wand at him.
"Why are you there?"
"McGonagall..."
"I'm not going with you. Anywhere! You won't take me! You won't get me! Not alive!"
"So that was what you wanted to do, miss Granger?" He raised his voice so that she was able to concentrate on it. "You were trying to run away from your responsibilities and sins?"
She blinked.
"I wasn't..."
"Oh, spare me your lies. I saw the vial. What did you do then? You drank it or not?"
"I didn't."
"Very well then. Where did you get it?"
"You perfectly know, Snape where I got it from!"
He nodded.
"When and why?" He was drawling now, barely controlling his anger. She had no right to use his own supplies in any circumstances but to kill herself... He didn't want to have anything to do with yet another death.
"After you killed... After Dumbledore's death." She started to sob. The hand holding the wand weekend so he took it away.
"Now that you cannot harm neither of us, may I suggest we sit and talk?"
"I don't want to talk."
"And I don't give a shit about your wishes, Granger. You either talk to me or Kingsley."
She looked at him, finally listening.
"Fine." She said.
He nodded.
"I'll make us some tea and you won't do anything stupid."
"Can I go to the toilet?"
He considered the idea.
"If it doesn't mean I will have to chase you around London or heal you after you miraculously find another poisonous shot at your house..."
"You won't... I promise..."
"You know where you can shove yourself your deceitful, Gryffindor promises?" He was trying to control his anger now, but the whole emotion managing was never his strongest point.
"OK, fine, I do not promise anything." She went away.
When the tea was ready and Granger came back from her overly long visit to the toilet, they sat and talked.
To be honest, he did the most talking. He explained to her the whole, elaborate plan Minerva had for them. He told her that there were no aurors awaiting her in the Hogwarts.
"I'm so embarrassed" She said in the end.
"You should be, Granger. Running away, causing troubles..."
"I'm ashamed that I was too afraid to do it"
He scowled.
"What the hell do you mean?"
She sighed.
"I decided to end it all, Snape. I was ready to die. But when I came, opened the vial I... Poured it out. I... I couldn't... I have always considered suicide to be an act od cowardice but now... Now I see that I don't have the guts for it. I was too afraid of what will happen to me on the other side, Gods, I was so afraid..." She started to cry, once again. "And I'm so ashamed!"
If Snape wasn't himself, he would tell her that that she had nothing to be ashamed of That he was happy for her, that it was good that she was still breathing...
But, unfortunately, he was the same bastard that he had been over an hour ago when he had teleported himself near her apartment in London.
So he didn't say anything.
He just sat there, looking at her so familiar face, tormented by emotions he learned to live with when he was around her age...
It was so easy now to talk with her, so easy to look in her honest eyes, wet with tears, sparkling with a hideous mixture of hope and self-disgust.
They sat, next to each other in her living room, waiting for the sun to set completely.
It was late.
They should come back.
Minerva was waiting for them, Merlin knows how much he resented the idea of seeing the castle once again.
Even there, in Grangers anonymous flat, he felt better, more at home...
Or maybe, just maybe it was her who made him feel that way.
As the atmosphere in the room was getting thicker and thicker, he finally decided to ask his final question, hoping that after all he has explained to her, she won't try to flee once more.
Her eyes were near, he heard her breathe.
"So what did you do, miss Granger?"
"I..."
She broke off, hesitated for a moment.
Their eyes, already fixed together for quite some time, warmed, heated, started to burn in the cold, blueish darkness.
Without another word, without warning, Hermione kissed him fiercely on the lips.
She heard him breathe in, she felt him breathe out: a wet warmness on her cheek, evaporating slowly as the air was cooling it down.
Her heart froze, her eyes were shut – she was waiting for his snarky, cruel response. Right in her head.
But what actually came, startled her even more than the most harsh words.
After what seemed to her as ages, he finally kissed her back: hungrily, forcefully, biting his way down the side of her neck and throat.
For a second or two, she couldn't move, she couldn't talk, but then she started to chase his moves, followed his kisses with her own, did what she considered was appropriate. Unsure, not experienced enough, the only thing Hermione knew for certain, was the throbbing need to taste this forbidden fruit. HIM.
She never noticed the moment he removed her t-shirt, and when she unzipped his pants, a strange, disfigured growl escaped his mouth.
She looked him in the eyes, touched the scar on his neck and smiled, letting him know that it was all right, that he had nothing to be ashamed of.
Blushing, she showed him her own mark, the one Bellatrix had cut so long ago.
When Hermione was still an innocent, stupid...
His eyes widened, a grim grimace carved his face in the shape of one of Hogwart's gargoyles.
It was all too intimate – she realised. His eyes on her body, her hands exploring every dark secret of his skin.
She was careful, she was watching, and when he came inside her she cried out too, out of weird empathy. Rather out of his than her own extasy.
It was unexpectedly pure, terrifyingly perfect. And was so very different from any other experience she had...
Still breathing heavily, Snape rolled to the side of the bed.
"I think we should come back now, Granger" she heard his voice.
"I think so too."
They looked at each other: two cold, pale faces glowing in the twilight.
"Everything's just fine" she assured him automatically.
He nodded.
"I suppose..." she started, but he cut in:
"I don't want us to talk about what happened here" he said plainly. "ANY of it."
Her eyes wandered to the kitchen door, where empty bottle of poison lied in the sink, then looked at them, the bed, the whole mess.
"I agree." Hermione gave him a little smile.
"Perfect."
She laughed at this statement and Snape raised his black eyebrows, looking at her questioningly.
"It's nothing, really... Just... Thank you Severus."
Then she took her clothes and went to the bathroom to prepare herself for the travel.