Watching Benji grow before my eyes was a wonderful sensation.
Although it had been a mere half a year since we had first crossed paths, it felt as if we had known each other for lifetimes. He had already grown so much, and his seventh birthday, spent with him, Alex, and Gabi, had genuinely been one of the most amazing days I'd had in a long time, which is a bold statement since all my life consisted of lately were days that were good and only seemed to be getting better.
But amidst the happiness of a day well spent, there still lingered a bittersweet longing within me. There was always one thing missing—I couldn't help but yearn for Alex's touch, her lips on mine, her hands on my skin. The way we kept stealing glances at each other was a strange sensation, knowing that the true nature of our relationship remained uncertain.
"Birthday boy, come sit on this side," Alex barked out instructions as she set up the camera for their yearly photo. But Benji flouted his mom's orders and clambered onto my lap instead, clinging to my hand with a fierce grip. "Okay, that works too. Brie, a little to the right. And Kay, scoot your butt to the left. No, not that much. Leave a little space for me."
As the light on the camera began to flash, Alex scuttled back and settled between us all. When her hand wrapped around my waist, at first I thought it was unintentional, and maybe it was, but then she tilted her head to the side and leaned into me, and it felt like maybe it wasn't.
Seizing any fleeting second to be close to her, I returned the gesture and let my free hand glide along the small of her back and under her jacket, tenderly tracing circles on her velvet-like skin and trying my best to make it through the few seconds that felt like minutes without turning my head to look at her. It was the sweetest and most intoxicating torture, that tingling sensation you get when you're so close, every nerve cell in your body in overdrive but your consciousness trying to play it cool and not make a fool of yourself.
It had been a little over a week since our delicate conversation, and the air between us felt practically unchanged, though we moved with a new degree of caution around each other. We were careful with our words and our gestures, and I had spent most nights at Sophia's instead of at hers, determined to give her the space she needed.
Still, she was the most prominent thought in my mind, and when the flash of light sparked a collective sigh of relief that weaved our glances together, her soft smile and the twinkle in her eye told me it was also true for her. But before I could fully absorb what that meant, the expected chatter of the night resumed and we returned to the warm glow of the fire pit in Gabi's backyard.
My guitar provided the perfect backdrop for the conversations; however, it was little Benji who seemed particularly entranced by the music with his eyes fixed on me. The usual whirlwind of energy that defined the boy was gradually replaced by calmness under the sound, and before long, he was yawning and struggling to keep his eyes open.
Alex lowered herself in front of him, and with his slight nod, scooped him into her arms where he nestled in snugly, winding his arms around her neck and tangling his legs around her waist, while she peppered his face with kisses and elicited giggles that faded only as they disappeared into the house and left us with lingering affectionate smiles.
The night was clearly coming to an end, but it had been a blissful one.
My fingers continued strumming absentminded patterns of whatever came to mind on my guitar to fill the quiet moments as Gabi gathered up the few beer bottles she had emptied. The fire pit lit our faces with an orange glow in the deepening twilight, and the stars were beginning to dot the sky more prominently. The chill in the air didn't seem to bother us, and the gentle breeze rustling through the trees, carrying with it the sweet scent of pine and earth, only added to the inner warmth.
On her way back to her seat, Gabi's eyes settled upon the developed photograph sitting on the edge of the firepit, her hand instinctively reaching for it, but she gave it only a briefly glance before setting it face-down on the arm of her chair and opening another bottle. There was something about the way she paused that made me take note. Not even a pause, but more like a lingering, as if she were suddenly thinking about something else entirely, pensive and conflicted, almost.
A moment passed, and then another, yet she remained quietly gazing into the crackling fire and slowly sipping on her beer with her feet up on the chair. I could only guess the thoughts hiding behind her tightly shut lips, the creases that came and went with the flickering light, and the eyebrows that occasionally furrowed as if she were about to speak—only to stop from doing it.
"Kayla?" she eventually did, almost to herself. "Can I ask you something?"
My fingers ceased moving over the rough strings, and my head responded with a hesitant nod, trying my best to silence the warning bells going off inside of it and to keep my heart from beating out of my chest. A question like that would've set anyone slightly on edge.
She tugged at the hem of her jacket before burying her hands in the pockets and sliding down in her seat like a child preparing to ask for a favor or spill a deep secret. "You know, I've never really understood why people say ignorance is bliss."
I cocked my head to the side, confused. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I mean, doesn't it just mean not knowing something? How could that possibly lead to bliss? I think it just makes it worse."
I replied with a nonchalant shrug. "It can protect us from difficult truths."
She nodded, seemingly satisfied with my answer. "Yeah, I guess, but it's a little pathetic."
I swallowed and smiled nervously, not sure if she was leading the conversation to a specific point or just sharing her thoughts. "Okay, you're creeping me out a bit."
That made her laugh. "What? Since when are you not up for a little philosophy?"
"I am, but usually it's a two-way conversation for us," I said. "It seems like you're trying to get a point across, and I'm not sure what it is."
Her exhale was long and heavy. "I work with people who tend to lie for a living," she started to speak again almost immediately, as if to add some kind of explanation before bombing me with whatever was coming next. "And I know my sister, Kayla. I can ignore it all I want and pretend I don't see it, but it doesn't mean I don't know it's there."
I tried to keep my face neutral, but surely my eyebrows raised in mild surprise. I knew what she was implying, and she knew I knew. I could see it in her eyes, or more like in the way they avoided mine. Of course she knew. But I was willing to play dumb for now and pretend until I could no more. I didn't want to be the one to acknowledge the truth, but I couldn't deny it either.
Noticing my hesitance, she fixed me with a steady gaze that sent my own to the ground. "For how long has this been going on?"
"What exactly?"
"For how long have you felt something for her?"
Part of me was ashamed—ashamed that someone had found out about it, that our little secret was no longer a secret. We had never intentionally done anything around others, and the hiding had been the hardest part, secrecy being all that kept us safe from judgment. But come what may, it was time to embrace it.
"I don't really know."
"You don't know?" Her tone was gentle yet probing, and it became clear she wouldn't let me off the hook without an honest answer. "When did something change?"
"I was just messing around for a long time, the flirting and whatever it was I did. But it was around December when I realized that..." I paused. That sudden sense of relief was unexpected yet easy to embrace; it was like I could breathe a little bit better. But how could I possibly pinpoint the exact moment when my best friend had become so much more to me? "I think I've always felt something for her, ever since we became friends again."
Gabi remained silent, but when I looked up from my fingers, I could tell she was trying to figure out how to respond. "It's been months," she said. "You need to stop messing with each other or else it won't end well."
"It's already weird. She's my closest friend and my teacher. Do you understand how strange that is?"
"I can only imagine." She exhaled heavily. "And honestly? I'm not even sure why I'm being supportive of this crush you clearly have on each other. But then again, what's life without a bit of rule-breaking?"
I sensed the conversation take a more serious turn, at least in my own mind. "That a bit of rule-breaking could ruin her career. I probably shouldn't be telling this to a lawyer, but here I am. We both know it's wrong but..." But it felt so right.
"This isn't just a crush?" Gabi's eyes narrowed slightly. "Have you...?"
I nodded and watched how her expression remained just as stoic. "How do I even admit something like this? I have no idea what's going on between us, but we've been, uh, close, since January. I don't know. It's confusing."
A hint of curiosity appeared between her brows. "You mean just for sex?"
"It feels like more than just sex. But in tangible terms, that's the extent of it."
Gabi toyed with the beer bottle, fingers drawing circles on the label, twirling it absentmindedly as an uncomfortable silence stretched. It seemed that for a moment, I had lost her. Self-consciousness had me restless in my seat and made me wonder if she was waiting for me to admit something else, but the things I'd already admitted weren't easy to backpedal from.
"Let's just pretend I didn't say anything," I uttered to break the tension, striving for a lighter tone. "I'm not even sure I should be telling you this, at least not without Alex here."
She solemnly nodded. "This isn't also going on at school, is it?"
"Of course not. She's too professional to even look at me twice, but it's a dumb risk to take anyway. Trust me, I know all the risks and consequences, so you don't have to remind me."
"Not gonna lie, I'm shocked." Her eyes met mine once more and softened with concern. "But you already know that I always worry about her. This is no different."
"What do you mean?"
"Her definition of relationships has been messed up ever since she was a little kid, Kayla," she said with a heavy sigh. "And I know how hard she tried to keep you at arm's length for months, to not let you in too far, but she obviously has. That already means something."
"You know it's more complicated than that."
"Yeah, but does it have to be? Don't let her turn this into another meaningless thing when it could be so much more."
"Gabi, I've been overthinking this for so long. She has worked hard to get to this point in life. She loves her job, she has a kid to support, and I won't be the one to take that away from her. I value her happiness more than mine, as much as I want something to happen between us. Nothing I've ever done in life has gone according to plan, and I'm scared this will be no different. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
"So you're just gonna what?" Gabi laughed. "Basically live together, pick up the kid from school, pack each other's lunches, have sex, fight over clothes, play house, and not call that a relationship? No offense, but that's insane."
"If you put it that way..."
"There is no other way," she said, shaking her head. "If I would've known this was happening, I'd have already sent you two to couples therapy or something."
I could only groan. "I hate you so much right now."
"But am I wrong?" Gabi laughed again, but a second later, she must've realized I wasn't exactly in the mood for laughs. "Sometimes it's okay to take risks for people you know are worth it. And she's worth it, trust me."
"I know she is."
"Then what exactly is it that you think you'll ruin?"
"This." I looked around, at the picture in my hand, my guitar, the board games on the table awaiting their next play. Everything around me reminded me of these wonderful souls, and my eyes started to sting with all that could be hurt. These were people I cared about, people I could laugh with and cry with. The thought of somehow ruining it all scared me more than anything. "I can't allow myself to jeopardize a good thing."
"I've known her for twenty-four years, and I have never seen her act the way she's acting with you. You won't ruin anything."
"Gabi," I exhaled shakily, "she has made it clear many times that she's not exactly interested in a relationship. I'm scared I'll freak her out by pushing her into something she doesn't want."
"I know how she can be. But you've been so good to her, and good for her," she said. "Don't let her push you away because of this. Take the initiative."
I wanted to believe her—she was never one to mince words and tell me what I wanted to hear—yet I couldn't help but feel like I was playing a game that I myself wasn't prepared to win.
"I don't think she's pushing me away, at least not intentionally," I admitted. "She's just scared, and I understand her completely because I feel the same way. I told her that I'd wait, that she has all the time she needs, but there's also this lurking fear that she'll never settle down, with anyone."
"And could you possibly blame her for it, even if that were to happen? Every person she has ever committed to has turned out to be the biggest asshole on this god-forsaken planet, even the people who felt solid, even her own family." Gabi looked down at her hands. There was a mellowness in her voice I had never heard before that made me unsure of how to respond, so I listened silently until a gentle smile slowly pulled her lips and her head up. "But look at her. She has spent every day with you. She brought you to meet our parents, who she has never told a soul about. I'm sure you could take Benji and disappear off the face of the earth, and she would still trust you with him. I hadn't seen her giggling at her phone since she was fourteen years old, but now I'm even running out of ways to tease her about it. I honestly don't think you have any idea how many times I've had to listen to her talk about you, to the point where it's actually starting to get sickening. But she looks so happy, and it's like I'm talking to that kid I've been missing all these years. I finally have my sister back, and I really don't want to lose her again."
Each word of hers seemed to hit harder than the last, and only when my lips grew salty did I taste the tears that had been slowly seeping from my eyes and the fears that came with them. My voice felt lost, even inside my own head.
Two warm and genuine arms pulled me in. "You okay?"
"I'm okay. It's just that..." I sniffled. "She told me she loves me, and somehow, I still haven't processed that."
"She did?" It seemed to catch Gabi more off guard than anything else I'd shared. I nodded and she hugged me tighter. "Do you feel the same?"
I pulled back to look at her, willing her to understand what I wasn't brave enough to say. That question seemed to pull at my very soul, and the cool spring air felt heavier in my lungs.
Gabi smiled at my silence. I knew she understood. "You're actually the only person she has said that to, besides Benji. That's why I'm a little shocked," she said as she sat down next to me. My obvious confusion was met with an amused snort. "Yeah, she hasn't said that to me since she was like . . . nine."
"Why?"
"Our family was a bit of a disaster, if you haven't noticed yet," she said with a self-deprecating laugh. "Mom never had any maternal instincts, and dad was always too busy with his own problems. I wasn't around either, so Lex got the worst of it."
Sympathy flickered in my chest. "It sounds like you think it's your fault."
"A bit? I mean, not directly though," she amended hurriedly. "They had this habit of comparing her to me, even though I was literally in college already when she was still supposed to just . . . be a kid. By the time she was a teenager, well, you already know. It's like they didn't know how to deal with her, so they just ignored her or found fault in everything she did. Lex hates a pity party, but she kind of fell through the cracks and despised all of us. Not that I can fault her. She was never the affectionate type until Benji came along and softened those edges a bit, but I know how she shows love, so I've had this feeling for months that she feels something more for you. I just didn't think she'd act on it."
I swallowed the ache which had formed in my throat. "And is it a bad thing that she did?"
She looked at me as if I had said the most ridiculous thing. And then reached for the photograph she had set aside earlier, holding it out to me with that gentle smile I knew so well.
As soon as my gaze fell upon it, something similar to joy filled me. Gabi with her hand resting lightly on Alex's shoulder, leaning in lovingly; Benji and his smile that could easily light up the night sky, sitting in my lap with his arm clasped in mine. And then there was us. Our faces alight with mirrored smiles, arms wrapped around the other, Alex's head on my shoulder, her eyes turned up at me.
For a second, it seemed to crystallize all the emotions that bound us and dispel any doubts that clouded our connection. All my feelings were in front of me, on paper, as if my heart had been laid bare. This little circle we had formed was the most precious thing to me, the closest thing I had to family. And Alex was the center of it all.
"It's not hard to see what she sees in you," Gabi said as I continued taking it all in. "She has already trusted you with everything that is important to her, and she looks at you like you're made of gold, Kayla. I think she's just trying to figure it out, to let her mind catch up to her heart, and it looks like you are, too. There is absolutely no way you could ruin anything, maybe only by keeping these things hidden within you. It's just a matter of recognizing it."
Those words drenched me in gratitude, but in the same breath, confusion took root that I couldn't quite pinpoint. I had no idea what it all meant, and I wished it could've felt as easy as she made it out to be.
"And speaking of hiding... back in Toronto, it really was you in that bathroom, wasn't it?" Gabi sent my stomach on a plummet. "Things are starting to make sense now. I was so obviously teasing her about it, and it was hilarious how oblivious she was."
I found myself absentmindedly picking at the skin on my fingers. "Yeah, but I just spent the night there. We didn—"
"No need for details. We're all adults here," she interjected with a light laugh. "Yeah, I might be a bit disappointed that I wasn't kept in the loop and a bit thrown off by the whole teacher thing, but I want her to be happy. And I do have eyes, so I guess you're doing something right."
Warmth blossomed in my heart at her acceptance. "I hope so."
"You don't know how she was just last year," Gabi added. "Oh, and just so you know, you can count on me if anyone needs to get out of jail."
I pursed my lips to contain a laugh. "Wasn't funny."
"I thought it was."
A subtle stir in the backdrop seized my gaze and led me to a yawning Alex slowly strolling over the backyard, with a blanket wrapped around herself and two more in her hands.
One was haphazardly thrown at Gabi but the other draped around me, warm fingers skiing over my hands in the process. She must've noticed how cold they were because even I could barely feel them as she forced them under the fabric.
I chuckled. "Yeah, tuck me in."
Alex threw me a look that said she was only half-joking. "Benj was already running around with the sniffles all day. I don't need two snotty people to take care of," she said matter-of-factly and strolled off to the little couch across from me. The fire illuminated her skin with gold as she curled up, but only then she noticed the smirks and glances Gabi and I had been exchanging. "What?"
"Oh, nothing." Gabi snickered as she moved back to her own chair. "I was just telling her what happened eight years ago before you interrupted."
Alex threw her head back and groaned. "Not again."
"She already knows what a menace you were, so I might as well."
All Alex did was roll her eyes, but the smile she was trying to hide was confirmation enough. I was already hooked, for those stories never failed to entertain.
"Well, I was the complete opposite," Gabi continued with an eager smirk. "I still don't exactly remember how old we were back then, but one night I'm home from uni, being a good student, doing homework. Until I hear this noise outside of my window. Since my room is on the second floor, I obviously think it's some animal and go to investigate. And what do I see when I open the window?" She paused and pursed her lips in an attempt not to laugh. "Sorry, I still have the image in my mind. It's Alex, hanging there by her fingertips. She hadn't been home in a week, and there wasn't even a ladder there, just fifteen feet of plain brick. But there she was, hanging from the window frame. I keep yelling at her to give me her hand, but it's like she doesn't even hear me! And just as I get a good grip, I hear my bedroom door open."
I was already having a hard time not laughing. "And?"
"And? Of course I panicked! And fucking dropped her!"
Alex couldn't keep a straight face anymore. "And you still haven't apologized for that."
"Because it was your own fault." Gabi chuckled. "So, mom asks what in the world I'm doing, but I just make up some random excuse about wanting to let in some fresh air but the window being stuck, all the while I hear this groaning and moaning coming from outside that makes me freak out and want to burst out laughing at the same time. But when mom finally leaves, I go rushing outside. She's lying there on the ground, not wearing any shoes, her arm bent to the point where you could use it as a fucking boomerang or something. For a second, I thought that she was knocked out, but she'd just fallen asleep. Like, what the actual fuck? And the worst of it, she didn't remember anything the next morning when she woke up in the hospital with a broken arm and two broken ribs. And I think it was a full year until someone finally noticed the two boots on the roof of our house."
I wheezed and looked at Alex who had her head thrown back. "How did that happen? And how did you get up there?"
"Please, I was probably so high I climbed up the gutter pipe." She laughed. "And the logical explanation would be that I was trying to throw them at her window to get her to unlock the door. But I only know her side of the story since she never fails to mention it every fucking March," she grumbled before flashing a side-eye in her sister's direction. "I think she just likes to brag about being such a goody-two-shoes."
Gabi laughed, wiping away tears that were welling up in her eyes. "Did you ever think that maybe I was just really good at not getting caught?"
"Or maybe you just had mommy and daddy to get you out of trouble."
"Maybe," Gabi conceded. "But I swear I learned more with you than I did during those two years I spent in nursing school. Unlike you, I never came home drunk, missing half of my clothes, covered in blood, or with infected tattoos that your friends started but passed out in the middle of. How does that even happen? I still don't get it."
An amused gasp escaped as I remembered the one tattoo that always caught my attention, the one that I liked the most. "The crooked smiley?"
The air suddenly grew still, and I noticed Alex trying to suppress her smile while giving me a threatening glare and cursing me out with her eyes. I knew right away that I had said something I shouldn't have, and the realization slowly dawned on me. That tattoo was right below her breast.
"Yeah, that one," Gabi said, clearly feeding off the tension. "Lex, you can stop with the death stare. Don't kill your girlfriend."
"Oh, she's—" Alex interrupted herself. "What?"
"I said, don't kill your girlfriend," Gabi repeated, her lips curling into a smirk. "Such great timing! I'm out of beer!" She sprang to her feet and scampered away, giggling to herself like a little kid, knowing full well what she'd done.
A very confused frown stared back at me. "Did you tell her?"
I nodded. "She knew something was up."
"Of course she did." Alex sighed, pausing to consider my words. I knew Gabi was the person she was most afraid of upsetting or disappointing, so I could only imagine both her nerves and her relief. "So?"
"She said it's a little weird, you know what, but otherwise she seemed more than fine with it."
"What exactly did you say?"
I unwrapped myself from the blanket and walked up, handing her the photograph that was still in my hand. "That there's something going on and that I don't know what it is. All I know is that I'm very serious about it."
A relieved expression lit up her face as she glanced over the photograph and scooted to the side, inviting me to join her. I didn't waste a second, but for some reason, I felt restless, more with every precious breath of air she sat there inhaling.
"Alex?"
She looked up from the photograph. "Mm?"
My mind was awhirl, and I wasn't even fully aware that my hand had reached out to clasp hers. I might have scared her a little or projected some of my worry onto her—she suddenly turned to me and brought her leg up, as if waiting for some shoe to drop.
"Mm?" she hummed again, impatiently this time.
"There's something I have to say," I finally managed, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. Something inside me had been stirred by Gabi's words and my own emotions, and I could no longer deny the truth that had been brooding in the depths of me. "But please, just know that I'd never want to pressure you into anything you're not ready for. Okay?"
Her hand held onto mine a little tighter, perhaps an unconscious effort to keep me from running away if I should lose my nerve and try to do just that. "What is it?"
"You already know I've never been in a relationship before," I began. "Just months ago, I used to tell myself that I had nothing to offer. I don't even have the slightest clue about how relationships work, but it's genuinely all I think about lately. When I wake up beside you, when there's warm breakfast waiting for me, or a cold cup of coffee that has been sitting on the counter for too long, when I'm barely awake and already being pulled away to play. I know this probably sounds stupid, but I just can't help but think about how I want to experience those things every day, with you and him. And I know that I already have all that, and I'm so happy, Alex. I want it to stay that way no matter what, but I also want some reassurance that this isn't some kind of make-believe, that I won't wake up one morning without you or Benjamin. But I don't want you to think I'm trying to push or..." I sighed, closing my eyes for a second. "It's just... it's just scary to think about losing any of this. I don't know."
I could practically see her sifting through her emotions as the silence stretched on. In my head, I was already on my knees and begging her to give me any answer to the mess that was us, but stayed quiet and waited for her to make some sort of sense of what I had just said. Even I didn't know where exactly all of this was coming from—from the heart or mind.
The thing was, whatever decision she made sat well with me. As long as she wanted me around, for whatever reason, I would be there. I knew she wouldn't leave me, such assurance was rock solid, but we were already too far gone for either of us to back out now without any consequences. Those consequences were what terrified me.
But something inside me calmed down as Alex crawled on top of me and snuggled close. Her blanket draped over us both, her arms around my neck and her head in the crook of it, padding its search for a comfortable spot before resting there quietly. Our world consisted of only us, the whispers of the wind, and the gentle crackling of flames, and even just for a little while, that warmth of her was all that mattered.
"I don't know how to make sense of it," she muttered into my clothes and pulled back a little to allow me a clear view of her face, gentle in the glow of the fire. She had that way about her of being able to hide her thoughts behind her gaze if she wanted, but now it seemed her eyes were completely clear of any carefully erected defenses. "I told you that I'm scared of hurting you, but I'm also sure that I would never hurt you, Kay. I'm so confused, and I don't even know why."
Maybe that was why I felt so scared myself. I was afraid of hurting the only person that made me feel real, terrified of destroying that little flame that had lit up in her heart. But even though that thought was frightening, I knew it was as real as anything could be.
"Maybe it's not supposed to make sense. Maybe that's the entire point." I smiled. "I know you, Alex, and I trust you to know that you'll never give me something that isn't meant for me. I think you just need to trust yourself, and trust me to never hurt you too."
Her fingers moved gently around my face, etching tiny circles on my cheek, while her eyes took in my every feature, every nuance, almost as if with an artist's scrutiny. And in her gaze, I could see the genuine emotion, the thousand thoughts, all subtly illuminated by the light of the fire flickering across.
She looked at me with eyes that seemed to be searching mine as if for a sign that I was telling the truth. And I knew I was. I was certain, as sure as the rhythm of my own heartbeat, that I would lay myself bare and bleed myself dry for her if that's what it took. All I asked for was her mercy—that she would be gentle, that she wouldn't wrench my heart away. At least, not more than she already had borrowed or more than I could handle.
"There has never been any sense or logic to be found in anything when it comes to you. I love you so much," she half-whispered. "Fuck it, Kayla. I don't want to waste any more time trying to make sense of it. I want you to wake up next to me, I want to make you breakfast, and to unintentionally make your coffee out of habit and then feel sorry that it's cold when you wake up."
My heart drummed with amplified urgency, caught between hopeful yearning and sheer incredulity. "What are you saying?" I asked in a sheepish tone, almost half sure that my ears were deceiving me.
"I might need a little time to get used to it, but I think I'm ready, Kayla. I'm ready to try," she said gently. "I want to be with you."
As her sweet words filled the air, my soul was filled with immense joy and love. I knew without a doubt that I wanted the same thing. We remained like that, lost in the moment, our fingers entwined and exploring every contour of each other's hands. Neither of us dared to break the spell that had been cast.
I felt as if standing on the edge of a cliff, my heart about to burst from my chest, or maybe it was my legs trembling beneath me. But instead of stepping back from the edge, I found myself drawn toward the plummeting sensation. Fear prickled my skin, aware of the consequences, but there thrummed a deeper yearning to take that step and dive heart-first.
Emotion welled in my eyes, but I reminded myself that I just had to ruin the moment with something stupid. "I wouldn't be opposed to that. You know, for all the fun we have, you're also incredible in . . . certain areas."
She snorted and cocked an eyebrow. "Really? That's where you're setting the bar?"
"There might be a few more criteria." I put on my most exaggerated thinking face. "I think I recall something about double D's..."
Alex tried so hard to contain her laughter, eventually managing a twitching pout. "I'm sorry, but unless you pay for my boob job, I don't check your boxes."
"Ah, shit." I winced. "You could've asked me that before I bought a car. Might have to sell the house now."
Giggles finally spilled from her, so contagious. "How did we get here? What are we talking about?"
I laughed along. "Beats me."
Her expression brightened into a cheeky smile. "Kayla? Will you be my girlfriend?"
"Alex, I'd want nothing more than to be your girlf— actually, wait a minute."
"You can't be serious." She threw her hands up and let them fall down with a slap that actually hurt. Amusement and confusion mixed across her frown. "Did you look at my boobs or what?"
"You already know they're perfect." I grinned. I could've sworn if I opened my mouth a little wider my heart would've jumped right out. "It's just that you're not supposed to say your birthday wishes out loud before they actually come true, right? What if you die? Like a horrible death from some huge explosion in three, two... okay, I have a feeling I should just shut up."
That amused smile stayed the same, but her gaze became intense and unwavering, holding me, not letting me go, looking at me like it was my last day on earth, like she was trying to memorize every part of me. Her eyes were unlike any I had ever seen, not just green, blue, brown, or hazel, but something brighter and more vibrant. And then something broke. Tears started flowing down her cheeks as she buried her face in her hands.
"Shit, I'm sorry." I laughed and took her face in my hands instead. "Of course I'll be your girlfriend. Was that so cringy that it made you cry?"
Alex shook her head and giggled as if I had just told the funniest joke ever. "I liked it."
"Yeah, well, we all know how corny you actually turned out to be."
Rolling her eyes again, she pressed her lips to mine in a kiss that made my heart beat funny. My hands found their way back to her face and thigh, lightly stroking away the tears from her cheeks. It was so gentle, so tender, and I wanted more, I wanted everything she had to offer, but I knew this moment was not for that. It was for us and for the special thing we had found in each other.
We were lost, completely and utterly lost, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew that I wanted it more than anything. Reality had collided with perception and forced my courage to have a chance to breathe, and suddenly, I felt like I had never been so sure about anything in my life. I knew that it was her. It always had been.
"Alex, I think I love you," I whispered. There was no doubt in my mind. Absolutely none. "No, I do love you. I love you so much. I have for a long time."
Everything was still again; her smile was warm and loving as her eyes took me in. And though she tried to wipe them away, the tears spilled freely down her cheeks. "I know you do," she breathed, but the breath immediately turned into another giggle. Of all the sounds in the world and all of her different laughs, that one—that particular one—was marked my new favorite. "As you'd say, you're my person. You have been for a long time."
"I know."
"And you're so adorable when you're nervous."
"That I'm not so sure about."
We remained in that gaze for a little longer while her cold hands gently stroked my cheeks. There was no question, no denial—I was unequivocally, irrevocably falling for her, every single day. The realization of it may have taken me a while, but it was a sensation that was as intoxicating as it was unfamiliar, a joy so pure, a passion so raw, and a longing so powerful. Needed and wanted.
I was in love with the person she'd become, and all the joy and laughter she managed to cram into each moment, regardless of how fleeting it was, and every ounce of herself. To have her by my side, in my space, in my life, to share her thoughts, her time, her laughter, her sadness, I wanted it all with an ache so deep it wrapped around my heart, strangling with desperate hands. There was something so special about her.
Through her eyes, I saw versions of myself I'd never imagined, and through our lips that joined, I tasted something so exquisite that I wasn't sure this world could possibly contain. It was gentle, innocent, and loving. My hands tangled in her long hair and traveled down her back, committing every curve and plane of her body to memory as if anew. It wasn't just Alex anymore. It was my girlfriend.
I lifted her easily, flipping her onto the small couch beneath us as I came to rest on top of her. Our kisses became more passionate, our tongues intertwining. I could feel her warm tears on my face as she kissed me with all the passion within her. Our hands roamed over each other's bodies, exploring every inch as if it were the first time. The heat radiating off her skin was palpable, and the sweet, fragrant smell of magnolias filled the air around us.
"Is there an empty bed somewhere?" I said between the kisses, feeling her fingernails digging into my back right as I spoke. "I want you so much."
"The guest room," she breathed.
My lips found purchase on her neck, that subtle little spot where even the simplest peck could make her heart ripple. I knew I had hit the mark when I felt her hips push against mine from below and a moan escaped her delicious lips. I loved how she always reacted to my touch, how her entire body quivered at it. Knowing I could do that to her was a heady feeling.
Alex pulled back a little and smirked. "I have a feeling we have to go now, before—"
"Oh, god." A groan echoed from the direction of the house and made us freeze. "If you two have somehow ended up naked in my damn backyard, I swear..."
Propping myself up on my arms, I looked over the back of the couch to throw the most indignation I could muster through my tingling lips back at Gabi. "If only you'd give us ten extra seconds, I'm sure we could—"
"Just get a room!"
"And what does it look like we were trying to do?"
"Oh, I can see what you were trying to do! Though I wish I couldn't."
I had never seen Alex so flustered before; the blush that had risen in her cheeks almost matched the color of her lips as she finally slithered out from underneath me, adjusted her clothes, and muttered a faint apology through hands that hid her face and breaths that still seemed hard to come by.
Gabi waved her off—after all, it was what she had wanted for us, and she had gotten it, so there was no right to complain—and I merely chuckled at the awkwardness that I hoped to get used to soon enough. But when I saw Gabi's gaze grow dim and saw the worry in her eyes, it immediately mirrored my own. Tears were streaming down Alex's face.
"Hey, don't cry." Gabi hastened to her side. "I didn't mean to be such a cockblock. It was an accident." She laughed. "Okay, maybe it wasn't, I'm sorry. It just didn't look like you were planning to stop, and I like my couch."
Alex laughed along through the tears that she was trying to wipe away, but they kept coming back twice as fast.
"What are you crying about? At least tell me if they're happy tears."
"Gosh, I'm sorry." She kept on laughing and sniffling until she realized that wiping away the tears did no good and let them fall freely into her sister's clothes. "It's just... I haven't felt this happy in a very long time."
Gabi's own voice grew fainter at those words as she blinked away emotion. "You finally got yourself a girl?" she asked, chuckling. I couldn't help but smile up to my ears. I was truly happy for her, to the point where I almost forgot that the girl was me. It was me they were talking about. "For the first time, I can say that I approve of this one," Gabi added and shot me a knowing glance. "About time you found someone who could handle your annoying ass."
Moments like these were when I felt my strongest. We spent a few more minutes getting lost in laughter and the tears that came from that release and felt more pleasant than I could ever beg for, and I was happy.
Alex did let go of Gabi eventually and instead rested her head on my lap; that look on her face looking up at me was so soft and sweet as I tenderly savored each one of her features like a precious treasure, pure art carved from marble and dipped in golden light. Even my own cheeks were starting to ache.
"I love you," she said with a cheeky smile, almost like she was excited to say it. "I really, really love you."
Her adorableness warmed my heart and stretched my smile and made my vision grow blurry again. And with each breath I took, my chest felt fuller and easier. "I love you too, Alex," I whispered. She had become the high of my life, alive inside a heart that had merely been going through the motions of belonging, so deeply and authentically entwined. "Really, really."
After all that was, I must've forgotten how love felt like. How it felt when everything just made sense, in its own peculiar way. But with her, I was safe. I knew I was never wrong, never wrong for existing, never wrong for feeling, and I knew that it was something that I wanted deeply, something that would make a whole lot of sense in the indistinct pattern of my life. I needed for that beautiful feeling to stay, for us to remain in our own little world, both equally intoxicated by what our hearts craved for.
I had no idea how to describe that feeling. Like boundless satisfaction, uncontrollable bliss, sweet and aching desire. Indescribable yet so vivid. Something that I had sought for so long and suddenly had within reach. So warm I felt like I was melting, and so powerful I thought I could conquer the world.
Though I knew I could never predict what tomorrow would bring, I knew I would always have my friends at my back and such a beautiful and loving woman by my side, along with that wonderful boy who had captured my whole heart and then some. I wanted to hold onto that love with both hands, to arrest it in time, and to clasp it close to my heart forevermore, for the rest of my—and our—tomorrows.