Matty walks off down my block in the direction of downtown. I'm left in disbelief, in awe of what just went down. I stumble back inside, Sloane is still on the sofa asleep. Holding the paper in my hands, I wander into the kitchen and make myself some tea.
I head back outside onto the porch and sit on the stairs not ready to let go of what just happened. I look down at the paper, with "for luna" in the handwriting I am all too familiar with.Slowly, I peel open the paper, to which I am surprised opens to be multiple sheets, all handwritten. He wrote me a letter.
Dear Luna,
Firstly I want to start this by saying, don't feel obligated to read any of this. You owe me nothing, but I want to explain everything. I hate that I've left you in the dark all these years, and for that I have no excuse.
I'm such a fuck up.
I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror for months after I left you. I was so fucking disgusted with myself.
The only thing I have ever done right in this life is you. And even that I managed to fucked up.After the petrol station when I left you, I was so fucking manic. I was high, and again that's no excuse, but it wasn't me. I feel so fucking deep into this pit of despair, coupled with drugs, I become a shell of myself.
I was shooting up multiple times a day, I lost almost thirty pounds, and my arms were covered in bruises. I hid from society and myself in long sleeves and beanies.
I left England entirely, and ran off around the world. I ran away from everything. I blacked out for almost two years straight. I needed help, but wasn't brave enough to ask. I cut everyone off, my family, my friends, even you, the one person I needed more than anyone in this world.
I came back to Manchester, and it took just about killing myself to realize I needed help. I had the worst overdose of my life. I was legally dead for two minutes. I spent a week in the ICU on every machine you can ever imagine. I was given an ultimatum. Continue to kill myself or get help in rehab.
I almost chose not to go. I really did. But then I thought about you. And what scared me the most was the things about you I couldn't remember.
I couldn't lose any more of you then I already had. I signed the papers immediantly. I was gone in a rehab in North England for about 6 months. I got clean. I got better, and I felt better. And leaving rehab I was better than I had been in a long time. I went home to Manchester, and I met my now best friends, Ross and George.
We bonded over LCD Soundsystem, Talking Heads, and Blue Nile. We all loved music and had played in minute bands growing up. All of us were leaning on the other for support, and we kinda decided "fuck it", what if we made music?
We messed around for a bit with sounds and such for a while, still not completely serious, and then we put a song out on youtube, and it slowly began to blow up.
After some gigs at small bars we made the decision to record an album. Every time I would sit down to write all I could think about was you. So I kept writing, it helped me. I worked through a lot of feelings.
I felt so close to you, despite not seeing you for forever.
This album is for you. This tour is for you. I love you. I fucking love you more than I ever did before, which I didn't even think was possible.
I wanted you to hear and see the album before anything else, so here is the setlist:
1. Sex
2. The City
3. Heart Out
4. Robbers
5. Undo
6. Fallingforyou
7. Part of the Band
8. I'm in Love with You
9. A Change of Heart
10. Be My Mistake
11. Sincerity is Scary
12. I Always Wanna Die (sometimes)
13. It's Not Living (if it's not with you)
14. Me and You Together Song
15. Inside your Mind
16. All I Need to Hear
17. About You
What is most important to me is the album cover. It's an old photo of you and I. Don't worry you can't see our faces, but it's one of my favorite photos of all time, and I feel it reflects the album, so we decided on that.
Like I said, it's important to me that you see and hear the songs first. Next Saturday we are having a one night only performance, where we're gonna play the entire album start to finish. I want you to be there. Hell, I need you to be there. You're as much a part of this as the band. You're my fucking muse.
I'd love for you to meet the band as well, if not for my sakes, just to get to know them before tour begins. They're absolutely lovely, and got me out of such a dark place.
The show will be at the Gorilla in Manchester. There's a ticket waiting for you at the box office, along with a VIP pass that can get you backstage. I really hope to see you there.
You're probably wondering why it took me so long to come back, to reconnect with you. God, Luna, I was so fucking embarassed. I mean so embarassed. I'm this fucked up ex-addict, what the hell and I supposed to do? You don't deserve this. Fucking hell you don't deserve me.
I needed to work on myself, and even when I got back on my feet, I couldn't imagine facing you. I'm a coward. I couldn't confront everything I had done to you, I was scared of your reaction, and I was scared if coming back and facing this would make me spiral again.
I'm just such a fucking coward. But I'm here, I want you to be in my life again, and I won't make you let me back in, but God if I could have just a chance.
I'll leave phone number at the end of the letter, if you need anything, please let me know.