Accepting who I am and what I like has never been difficult for me. I have always felt the support of my parents and I knew that if them and my closest friends accept me for who I am then I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. But on the day when I was going to say it publicly, I couldn't.
Self-acceptance for me is not only admitting openly to myself that I am who I am, but also telling the truth to others and seeing who can understand and accept it without judging me. But that's always the case: people judge others: if we take heterosexual couples, for example, where there is a big age gap between them, they can almost be sure that there will be someone who doesn't like it, who will try to prove how inappropriate that is. Or when a doctor falls in love with his patient. It's wrong, it's unforgivable, it can't be like this! Truth...?
But we have no control over who we fall in love with. We can pretend we don't feel anything, we can tell ourselves it's nothing. But we won't run away from ourselves.
That's why it was so hard for me to just say that me and Zee are a real couple, that we're not just a ship, although that's where it all started. Aside from the sexuality of both of us, there's also the age difference: according to some, I'm too young for Zee and we're not a good match. Some say that a relationship with me will destroy Zee's life, because he would probably want to start a family soon, and for me it will be too early.
I always accepted who I was, I knew that I was different from my peers, but it didn't bother me, I was rather proud of myself. But that was before I met my Zee. Now it dawned on me that this wasn't just about me, it was about both of us, about Zee as well, about how our confession would affect our future together and his own.
Accepting yourself is one thing, but letting those around you not accept you is a whole other level of bravery and courage, and I'm not sure I can do that. I don't want to force Zee into anything. I know he's doing it for me because he saw (he must have noticed) how excited I was about it, how much I wanted to do it. Only that... Only the truth is a bit different: sometimes I wanted to shout the truth about myself to the whole world, and other times I wanted to keep this knowledge to myself. I hesitated, it was never an easy decision, especially since I knew I was dragging Zee into it too.
At this moment, I just wanted to hug him and run away with him somewhere far away, where it would be just the two of us, beautiful beach, sun and tasty food, I didn't need more to be happy. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that I wasn't doing this just for myself. I thought about Firstt and what Annie said about one of the scenes in The Eclipse where First and Khaotung played the lead couple.
- That scene is very well acted.- Annie complimented First, patting him friendly on the shoulder. We were sitting in his room at the house where he and Khao lived and watching their show together. First just got back from another chemo and wasn't feeling well, and we had a little hiatus from filming our show because other characters in our story had to film their scenes during that time. Me, Annie, Khao, Off, Gun, Ohm Pawat and Nanon stretched out to get a good view of the big TV screen in front of us. Off and Gun brought a whole host of snacks, and Ohm and Nanon provided tasty drinks. Annie handed each a can of RedBull. We decided to stay with the boys to keep them company. At first, First wasn't too happy about this, but since the house was mostly Khao's, it was up to him to make the final decision.
- That's right, excellent work guys - Off joined Annie's s praise. Gun was lying on a mattress on the floor with his head on Off's stomach, which looked very cute and I wished Zee was with me to cuddle up to him too. Fortunately, Annie showed up without Perth too, so I was able to rest my head on her shoulder undisturbed.
- By the way... First, tell me, but honestly, what made you play it so perfectly? Because it seems to me that there are only two possibilities: either you've seen someone close to you go through something like this, or... - She looked into our friend's eyes, and he gave her a weak but encouraging smile. - Or you experienced something like this yourself, that's why you understand the main character's feelings so well. How is it really?
- You're right, Annie. The second reason is mine. It still hurts every time I think about it. I, too, had to confess against my will, and at a time when I wasn't quite ready for it, when I wasn't sure what was happening to me and why. It was damn hard. If it wasn't for Khao... If it wasn't for him, I might never have met you... He was a great support to me when I was rejected by my own family. In our BL series, we try to show perfect love, give viewers happy endings, but...
First tried to say something else, but was suddenly exhausted. Khao put his arm around him, pulled him closer, forcing him to lean against his chest, then finished his statement as if reading his mind.
- But life isn't so beautiful anymore. Outing someone when they're not ready is something very negative and difficult. Not all parents love their children with absolute and complete love. Sometimes families feel disappointed in us when they don't find what they want in us. In real life, it's hard to find a superhero who will show up at the right time and save you. Annie, isn't that why you have scars?
Annie just nodded. For some reason she started crying. She pushed me gently, got up from the mattress and walked over to First. She grabbed his face with both hands, then placed a kiss on his forehead, before doing the same to Khao a moment later.
- You're both very brave, and I'm incredibly proud of you.
It was that night that I was thinking about before I could bring myself to try to get on stage and officially put an end to the rumors and misinformation circulating on the internet once and for all. First lost a lot more than me, and yet he wanted to do it, he wanted to go on stage and tell his fans everything, he didn't want to hide anything. We all know that First has come a long way to get to this point where he has the strength to speak out loud and honestly how he feels. So why can't I? After all, my parents love me and have never hurt me. After all, my fans themselves said that me and Zee would be a beautiful couple. After all, my friends didn't turn their backs on me when I admitted I wasn't into girls. So why can't I go on stage so freely and simply raise our flag in the world?
I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
I can handle. I have to make it. It's not just for me.
And yet, when that time came...
But...
First things first...
* * *
We laughed happily as we watched our friend as our stylist, Som, tried to do her makeup.
- No. Please don't make me wear any makeup, I don't like it.
- Why? - I got interested. For me, makeup was something completely normal, it helped me look better, I felt very comfortable wearing it. It wasn't always like that. I used to perform in front of the whole school, so to look a bit better I used some of my mom's cosmetics, including eye shadow, lipstick and mascara. When my friends saw me, they started making fun of me, took me to the bathroom and forced me to wash it off. Since then, I've had some hesitations about putting on make-up. I had to take a chance once when I auditioned for a role in Cutie Pie, and Melanie insisted on adding a little more color to my lips and eye color. that I refuse to wear even lip gloss, so he took me aside and we talked about it, and he made me realize that there's nothing wrong with wearing makeup, even if you're a man. a little easier, but she gave a completely different reason than I expected.
- Because the wrong cosmetics damage the skin. In addition, the skin needs to breathe. I think I look pretty nice without makeup. Plus, it smudges easily.
- You're funny - Zee stated, smiling at her. We just finished putting lip gloss on each other. I used a bit darker than Zee.
- You too, you both look like porcelain dolls.
- Ouch! - Zee shouted, wrinkling his nose. - I'm not a doll!
- And this is what you look like. You have too much powder on your face, too light, you really look like a china doll under all those lamps - She bit back at him, sticking out her tongue.
Zee touched his face with his hands, examining himself in the mirror from every side.
- New, do I really look that bad? - He asked.
- Yes!
- Boo! Now I'm sad! I will cry! - He teased us, his mouth twitching into a horseshoe. I wanted to kiss him right away, just to make him smile. He looked so cute and funny at the same time. Too bad we didn't have more time.
Each of us had some colored strand in our hair. Me and Zee had green, Annie and Perth had pink, and Nat and Max had blue. Annie let her hair down and let it fall freely over her shoulders, asking for two thin braids on either side of her head next to the attached pink highlights. We were also dressed in pairs. Annie and Perth opted for shiny and visible white suits with different-sized faux diamonds on each side and black lace blouses underneath.
Zee chose pink, modestly tailored suits for us, his a little lighter, mine a little darker. We also picked up an identical set of jewelry: earrings with small diamonds, silver simple oval rigid bracelets and necklaces with a two pink heart emote.
Max and Nat went all out, wearing plaid suits, green and blue, with Max wearing a jacket from Nat's outfit and Nat wearing one from Max's collection. Each of the couples was a bit different and that's why we wanted to be different from each other. It was supposed to show the differences between people, although we weren't sure if any of our fans would see the other side of what we look like.
The show, however, was stolen by Saint and Earth Katsamonnat, who both wore perfectly tailored skirts: Saint's skirt was a bit more modest, simple, navy blue with a red and white, quite wide belt at the very bottom. The skirt chosen by Katsamonnat was more colorful, pleated and much shorter. Earth had various sized butterflies and artificial flowers attached to a pink blouse, and Saint was wearing a chain-like necklace with a small rainbow flag hanging at the end.
First and Khao decided to use the outfits invented by Annie: First wore a yellow and black jacket, a short-sleeved red blouse, black pants and bright yellow shoes. Khao wore a red leather-like jacket with white heart-shaped patches (one large white heart on the back, with their nicknames in Thai and English embroidered in gold in the center), and black pants identical to First's and red sports shoes. First's hair was slowly growing back, but it was still too faint to see, so they had to use a wig. The very fact that First will be able to fly to Poland with us seemed to be quite an achievement. We had to ask Jimmy for a long time to let him fly for many hours.
- You know what? I have a better idea. - Annie turned from the mirror and looked in our direction. - How about we write the names of people we like on our faces with lipstick?
- On the faces? Maybe right on the forehead? - Perth asked ironically.
- Hey, you! And you know that's a great idea? - This young, slightly crazy Polish woman who became our friend looked like she was not joking at all. As if to prove the truth of her words, she grabbed the reddest lipstick that was nearby and, looking at herself in the mirror, wrote one name on her forehead: "Perth."
- I see. - Only Perth answered and hid his face in his hands.
- Zee, New come here, I'll sign you too - She invited us. I was sitting closest, so all I had to do was tilt my head forward. I didn't hesitate. We did it anyway for the promotion of our new drama, these inscriptions on the foreheads can only attract the attention of others even more, so why not give it a try? We've done some weird stuff before, this is no different than those. I let Zee's name land on my forehead and Zee's had "NuNew" written on it. Zee himself painted hearts on both of my cheeks. One on the right side came out a bit crooked, but we didn't mind. Nat and Max they signed themselves with their pseudonyms, as did First and Khaotung.
We'll be on stage in a moment. We will dance, sing, talk about our new project, take some photos for Instagram, and then we will change our clothes, remove our makeup and go back to the hotel. And then we will pack up, go to the airport and start our journey to Poland.
* * *
I adjusted the collar of his shirt, making sure I hadn't missed anything and that everything was as it should be. Annie made us a bit uneasy with her stories about her country, so we felt even more pressure. Zee must have noticed that I was nervous because he let me change his hairstyle a few times. Initially, we wanted to go on stage dressed in something more casual, simple, Annie thought even plain jeans would be fine, but our stylist disagreed, showing us different outfits.
Warsaw greeted us with thunderous applause and shouts. We didn't expect this. On the stage, in its very center, someone was already waiting for us. It was only a dress rehearsal, and crowds had already gathered at the entrances.
- We rented the national stadium to make sure everyone could fit in. Your concert will be broadcast by several independent broadcasters - Daria announced an hour earlier.
- And will there be stories on Instagram? - Nat asked.
- Yes of course. Don't forget to have your phones with you, you'll be recording each other. The one who doesn't perform will record the one who is performing - She recommended, checking something on the screen of the tablet held in her hand. - We start with the performance of the whole group, then Kamil enters, introduces each one individually, you wave your hands, you can send kisses to the audience or gestures of the heart. Be as natural as possible, got it?
- Yes, boss! - Annie called. She was paired with Perth, although the original plan was for her to pair with me.
- Then let's start the test! - Daria clapped her hands and ushered us to practice. We didn't have our costumes on yet so as not to reveal our surprises too soon. Annie only added to the already high flame of excitement and nervousness when she said that we would be performing in their country's largest stadium, which is said to hold over 50,000 people. This number impressed us all.
- Some will come here for Kamil Stoch, others for Formula 1 drivers, but I assume that there will also be a large number of your fans - Daria consoled us.
This was our strategy, we wanted to attract the attention of as many people as possible, make ourselves noticed, build a platform for later discussion about freedom and equality. We also asked all our Twitter followers from this morning to spread our hashtags. We wanted our message to reach even places where people like us lack hope and strength to fight.
During this last rehearsal, we all wore T-shirts in different colors with different slogans, and all of them related in some way to our fight for the rights of the LBGT community or simply human rights or the fight to save the environment. Zee and I got green "Liberty & Equality for all" t-shirts, Max and Nat purple "I learn and accept" t-shirts, Annie and Perth pink printed "We learn not judge" - "We learn, we don't judge", Pierre and Yuki chose black with white inscription "All lives matter" - "Every life matters". Khaotung and First chose the anti-cancer T-shirts as it was an issue very close to their hearts. Each of us had a translation of these slogans in his own native language printed on his back. We planned to go out in the city after the concert in the same T-shirts. Annie said there were plenty of interesting places to visit.
* * *
And now it's time to go on stage fully prepared and dressed, take your place and sing, performing a previously trained choreography.
We started with something simple, in English, which involved everyone including Lewis Hamilton, Saint Suppapong, Pierre Gasly and Lando Norris. We paired up, and as soon as the floodlights shone on us, the first notes came out of the speakers. It wasn't my first gig, I've done a lot of gigs, and yet my hands were a little shaky at the beginning. Zee, observant and observant as always, grabbed me by the waist and pulled me to him as if to say that I don't have to worry about anything. I smiled back and sang.
* * *
- Two of our friends died because of who they were, and they were actors, but also people. They were just like all of us. They both had big dreams and plans for the future, and guess what? One of them has since become a very close friend of mine - Annie said. I was standing right next to her, and when I looked at her, I realized that there were tears in her eyes. I imagined that the National Stadium in Warsaw, the capital of her country, filled to the brim with people, was surrounded by silence. The audience listened attentively to every word we said. In fact, no one else was there other than the people handling the event, it was just happening in my head, even though Annie's statement was true. "Fluke was one of us, he was a man, a person who didn't deserve to die like this. His heart full of kindness and honesty should not be torn out of his chest like this and trampled, thrown into the mud. I don't believe I have to say this, I don't believe I have to say this at all, but... Fluke died because, being a man, he loved another man. I'm ashamed to have to out my friend like this. I'm sorry that it's not up to him to decide whether he wants to tell the fans or whether he prefers to keep it to himself.
Hearing Annie's voice crack, seeing how much her body was shaking and how close she was to exploding, I lifted the microphone to my mouth and finished her speech, secretly glad that the spectators had not yet been admitted and the microphones were not turned on. Only in this way could we practice one last time and at the same time keep the secret almost to the very end.
- We're here for both of them, for Fluke and for Boun, who was wrongly accused of cold-blooded murder of a friend. We didn't plan our coming outs, we didn't feel like it was right, we all had a lot of arguments about it. We weren't ready for it, still aren't, but we're doing this for people like us so they don't have to go through the same thing.
- Exactly. Many of our fans showed us support, tried to understand us and not to cross borders. We're incredibly grateful to you for that - Zee joined me. He turned his face to me, making sure I really wanted to do it. I nodded at him, feeling nervousness tighten in my throat. I couldn't get a single word out anymore. I was frightened. I wanted to escape from there. I didn't want to tell them anything. Even if I had tried many times before to convince myself that this was something I wanted to do.
„To hell with it!" - I thought, gripping my hand tighter around the microphone. - „Why do we have to tell them this? Why are they interested at all? Why can't this just stay between us?"
But it was far too late for such thoughts.
- Hey, if you don't want to do it, please don't force yourself - Zee leaned towards me and whispered directly in my ear - No one will be mad at you, don't do anything against yourself.
And that's what broke me.
Zee... My screen partner, my former idol, my guide to the world of the entertainment industry, and today also my partner in private life looked at me with concern and concern. I knew he wouldn't force me, I knew he was ready to comfort me and support me no matter what, but that just put more pressure on me because I didn't want to disappoint him, I wanted so much to be strong and brave in his eyes...
- I... I can't... - I also replied in a whisper and ran away. I ran off stage and hid backstage. It was too much for one person. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. I was too afraid to disappoint everyone. I knew (read the comments) that they expected our coming out and that's what I wanted to give them. I wanted to be a good example to follow. I wanted to be someone they could say they identified with me. The words of Louis Tomlinson's "I'm just like you, even tho my problems looks nothing like your do" still rang in my ears. The truth was that my problems and Louis's, even though we were thousands of miles apart, were very similar.
In the dressing room, I stripped off my heavy white sequined and faux diamond jacket, tossed it haphazardly on a nearby chair in front of the dressing table, then dashed to the bathroom, where I shut the door securely behind me, making sure I was alone there.
I felt nasty. I had the impression that I let my fans down, that this is what they were waiting for, that's why they came here. They wanted our coming out, they wanted open confirmation that we were together. I thought I'd be able to give them what they wanted, but perhaps I set the bar too high and instead of jumping over it, I tripped over it, hurting myself and the people around me. I was furious and upset with myself.
-You were just supposed to say you were gay, NuNew, it's not that hard - I said quietly to myself. I crouched next to the sink and ran my hands through my hair, tugging at it. I wanted to scream and cry, the emotions that had accumulated for months were bubbling inside me. I wanted to rip open my own chest and tear out my heart. I felt humiliated. I didn't even have to say I preferred boys, all I had to do was nod what Zee and the others would say.
Tears spilled out from under my eyelids, smearing my makeup. I heard a knock on the door, and then Zee's voice.
- NuNew? Are you there?
- Go away! Leave me alone! - I shouted back to him.
- NuNu! Please open the door.
-No! Go away!
- New Chawarin, open the door now! You don't want me to call security, do you? - He sounded threatening, too threatening for me to ignore. For the second time only since we'd known each other, I was scared of him. He's never been like this with me before, he's never ordered me around, he's never even yelled at me, he's only sometimes sad or offended, but he's never spoken to me in that tone. Never. That made me get up as fast as I could and open the door for him. Zee immediately grabbed me in his arms and hugged me tightly. - NuNu! Don't ever scare me like that again, okay?
- Hia...
- Please, Nu. Do you know how much I worry about you?
- I'm sorry... I... I didn't mean to upset you - I sobbed.
He pushed me slightly away from him. He lifted my chin with his hand so that I couldn't avoid his gaze.
- NuNu, you have nothing to apologize for, understand? I was angry because I was afraid you would hurt yourself. After what happened with Fluke and Boun, I'm oversensitive about this. Whatever is going on, I have only one request to you: don't lock it up, tell me about it, don't be afraid of me. I love you and I'm here with you, okay? I'm not going anywhere.
- Can we sit down for a moment? My legs hurt - I confessed truthfully. I'd spent the last ten hours on the run, and there were at least five more to go.
- Do you want to go outside?
- I'd love to, but... But I don't feel up to talking to anyone else.
- I see. Let's go somewhere where we won't be disturbed. I'll just text Perth that you're fine - He informed me, taking his phone out of his pocket. He wrote a quick message to our friend, then grabbed my hand and began to lead me in a direction known only to him. We passed Annie and Saint on the way, but when they both wanted to come over, Zee shook his head and uttered a short "Later!" We stopped only at the entrance to one of the empty commentary booths. not tracking, we slid in. From there we had a perfect view of the stage, and I realized, "The show must go on." Earth Katsamonnat, also known as Cooheart, Khaotung, Mixxiw, Earth Piraphat, Max Kornthas and Nat took the stage, performing a well-known dance routine to the song that was the opening theme of our series. They improvised because even from this distance it was obvious that two of the lead dancers, me and Zee, were missing. Even the lighting was prepared for eight performers, not six.
- Then will you tell me what happened? - Zee asked, sitting down on one of the white plastic chairs next to an equally white desk. He never let go of my hand. - You wanted us to tell them, didn't you?
- I don't know what happened. I just had a panic attack out of nowhere - I admitted. To Zee I could say anything, I felt safe and at ease with him. I understood that he wasn't disappointed in me, he was just worried. And if he was angry with me, it was probably for the reason he had told me many times before, and I had ignored his words. Zee always told me not to do anything against my will. It was like that from the beginning, although at the time I thought Zee was on P'Sky's side. I couldn't be more wrong. P'Zee was never on the beast's side, he was only pretending to buy himself some time. Zee knew that this thing was capable of doing every act of evil that ever existed for its own gain. He was trying to protect me. Zee made me feel that we must talk openly about everything that bothers us, otherwise the consequences can be deplorable.
- It's okay, my little one, it's okay - He said quietly and gently, stroking my head.
With him, I felt that all negative emotions flowed away, that my frustration and anger at myself disappeared like smoke from a burnt out fire. Zee held my hand, letting me speak to let go of this burden, knowing I was too weak to carry it alone. Until recently, I probably would have protested, I probably wouldn't want to add more problems to him, but now I understood that this is what a relationship of two people is about: taking care of each other.
- You know Zee? I think it's all badly organized. Only people who truly belong to the LGBT community should be on stage at this point, and meanwhile, who do we have there? Bright and Win? Kao Nopakao? Yim and Tutor? They're all straight! What message will we send with this speech? Has anyone thought of this?
- NuNu... They wanted to perform themselves.
- That's not what I wanted... It should be me, you, Off, Gun, Khaotung, First, Cooheart or even Annie. Don't you think we're just messing with our fans this way? And for what purpose? For money? For a career?
I was amazed at how easily the words came out of my mouth. I've held it inside me for so long, thoughts about it have haunted me constantly. I felt guilty that we were doing something that could hurt more than help. I thought of First and Khao. They succeeded. Even though Annie has spoken about how much she likes them together, even though their managers have banned them from appearing in any series or movies together, it hasn't dampened their feelings.
- Well... And us? How was it with us? How are we different from them? We did it for a career too.
- You did it for your career - I pointed out to him, though I no longer resented him for it. This topic was closed. - I did it because I loved you and decided that it was the only opportunity for me to be so close to my idol.
Once, at the very beginning, I couldn't tell him about myself, about what I feel, what stresses and scares me, I only told him about the good things because I wanted him to see me as a strong man who can always cope in life who is self-reliant and does not need anyone's grace or help, I wanted to be self-sufficient. P'Sky, however, came up with a completely different characterization for me to promote our show. According to him, NuNew was madly in love with his idol from the very beginning, he was shy, although he had naughty thoughts. According to P'Sky, NuNew was someone to look after constantly, someone very childish and a bit silly. There's a reason Zee didn't just call me "doll" on the show, although I was Annabelle in Cutie Pie, in real life I was also a doll being moved on strings by P'Sky and his men. I did exactly what was required of me. Even our coming out. I didn't want to do it for myself. I wanted to do it for others, I wanted to do it because I told myself that's what was expected of me, not because I was ready to tell them about myself.
- Nu, think about Fluke. We do it for him. We're doing this because he was killed for being open about his sexuality. And Boun? Do you know why P'Sky actually murdered him?
I shook my head, waiting for him to explain everything. And P'Zee was very patient and understanding.
- Boun died because he didn't want to be part of it. He refused P'Sky when he demanded that he out First and Khaotung. P'Sky apparently thought that there was no romantic feeling between First and Khao, but since he thought First would die soon anyway and Khao would be too distraught to fight him, he decided to take advantage of it. He wanted to attract even more viewers to his series. All he cared about was money. Only things started to spiral out of control when Annie talked First into treatment. P'Sky got scared that Boun would talk about everything in the media. Boun was not someone to be easily manipulated. He, like you, didn't want to lie. And he died for it.
- Now I understand... And you know what? Let's do it. I promise I won't run away now. Let's do it for Boun and Fluke. They both deserve a better fate, and I want them to be remembered. - I got up from my chair and pulled Zee with me, still holding his hand. - Let's go. For Boun and for Fluke.
- For Boun and for Fluke - He repeated after me, and we headed back. Before we could go on stage again, Som had to fix our makeup. Annie came over to me and started apologizing to me.
-No, New, I'm sorry. I shouldn't make you do it. I don't even know what possessed me to condemn you to such a thing. After all, I know how difficult it is, and as an LGBT person, I should remember that each of us has the right to be ourselves, to have our own private lives and make our own decisions. I made you do this... I'm sorry... I didn't want it to turn out like this. I don't know, maybe I thought that if people saw that all kinds of love really are beautiful, if they're not toxic, they'd stop hating us so much? I was stupid and selfish. Excuse me.
- Annie... - Perth put his arm around her. Perth was one of the most sensible, calm, level-headed people I've ever met. He never said anything that went against his beliefs.
- Don't apologize to me. We will do it. We will tell our fans about us. And so half of them still think it's just fanservice -I replied to her. Som had just finished taking care of Zee and was now going to touch up my makeup. - I want to put an end to all these rumors and speculations once and for all. And they want to know. Besides, Zee is right, Fluke died for that, and we owe him that.
- Nu... You can't do this because of him. It's your life, your personal business, don't do it for the wrong reasons - Perth advised me. - If you're not ready, you might regret it later. Better to wait.
I thought.
Yes, there was a lot of truth in what he said, but there was nothing I could do. The damage had already been done, and now it was time to find a way to keep the losses to a minimum - that's how our BL industry worked: when something went wrong our PR people immediately made up a reasonably believable story to cover it up. So many fans were confused, lost, didn't know what to believe and what not to believe. I smiled at Annie.
- Don't worry. I know I want to do it.
* * *
Thirty minutes later, we were on stage again.
- In BL industry you're always closeted. Even when you're straight, you're still closeted, because you cannot go to your fans and tell them clearly that you're straight, because if you do so, you won't sell your couple. I'm straight, but when I said it oud loud in one interview, I couldn't get any role to play - Perth said, rising his voice. We looked at him with amazement. We never knew he would be able to be this much open about his own life. He loves to talk to the people, he loves doing livestreams, he loves interacting with fans, but at the end of the day we knew him as someone who keeps his private life very private, he speaks only a little about private matter. - But it's not me, who was affected the most. Our friends, people we know so well, people who never intend to hurt anyone and yet they're getting hate, they're getting death wishes, they're being blackmailed... For what? For being gay? For being bisexual or pansexual? Why this is so wrong in your eyes? When it's love, shouldn't it be more important if it's toxic or not? I have many gay friends, I know many people who love someone from the same gender, they're cute, romantic and beautiful together and yet they have to suffer. I'm asking today: „Why? Why do all these people have to go through this shit?" They're wonderful people, amazing, supportive friends, don't they deserve to have the same rights? I'm straight, but seeing these I care about be in pain because they only want to love, is too much for me. It's hurting me. If you have a heart, doesn't it hurt you when you see your friends or family members being rejected by these, who never had to fight for anything? Am I asking for too much, when I ask you to accept others? We're all different, we like different kinds of music, we watch different movies, read different books, eat different food, why can't we just accept, that love can be in different shapes too?
So today, when he came on scene, took rainbow ally flag and waved it, he showed how straight people can be affected when they're supporting LGBT. Perth supported our comunity from the very beginning, he never said that he felt uncomfortable with another gay people, he always comforted us, tried to cheer us up, helped us fighting. He did all what most of straight comunity was scared of doing. Even without being gay, he understands us very well, he knows the hell we had to come through and he helped us to get out of this hell. Today he's with us, celebrating on the stage in Warsaw, he makes everything easier for us.
When he finished his speach, I came to him to give him big hug. I took microphone with me, because I also wanted to say something.
- Perth, you made me cry, do you realize that? - I asked him, while laughing and crying at the same time. I was touched by every word he said.
This time I didn't hesitate. I raised the rainbow flag.
- Most of my colleagues whom you have seen here on stage are people who are completely devoted to their work, who devote themselves to their passion, who work hard for their success. Many of us have heard the same thing: that starring in a BL series can open the door to great careers for us. We were told that we would play in one, maybe two series, we would gain a trusted group of fans, and then the creators of other films and series would come to us themselves. But when no offers came, we started to realize that we had been deceived, many of us forever stuck in the BL industry, yes dear, this is the INDUSTRY! - Saint shouted that word, as if he wanted everyone to hear it, to imprint it on the memory of those in the crowd.
I looked uncertainly at Saint Annie, who was standing right next to me. She put her thumbs up. It was a sign for me to start my part of the speech.
- Yes. What Saint said is true. We work in the entertainment industry and like any industry, we have to produce something, so we produce entertainment, we produce series and movies, we produce ships that are supposed to bring you joy. And our industry can also be cruel to the point where it has led to the deaths of two innocent people. That's why I'm standing here in front of you today raising your flag, which is also mine, and I'm proud to say that I'm part of the LGBT community. I AM ONE OF YOU! - I exclaimed, getting carried away with emotion. I waved the flag like crazy, but in that very moment, for the first time in three years, I felt that I was truly free, that I was doing exactly what I wanted and what I was supposed to do.
- Be proud of who you are - Nat joined me, placing a hand on my shoulder. - We know that it takes great courage to be yourself in our world, but it is up to us, each of us, whether our world will start to change for the better. Let's be part of this good change that we ourselves desire.
Nat also raised an identical flag. The others surrounded us in a semicircle.
It was a strange feeling to stand in the middle of the stage of the largest stadium in Poland, raise the LGBT flag in one of the most homophobic countries in Europe and hear the warm ovation. I did not expect that. Then Annie showed up.
-NuNew, Zee, Nat, Max, Khaotung, First, Off, Gun, Saint and the others listen to me carefully. I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming here with me, for choosing my country as the venue for such an important event. Thank you for bringing a breath of hope to all those who are like us, to those who are afraid to be themselves, to those who feel inferior, unwanted. You bring us a breath of freedom and the right to love. On behalf of myself and all bisexual people like me, I can only say one thing: thank you!
What seemed to be the hardest thing for me, finally came to me with extraordinary ease. Zee grabbed me in his arms and began to spin around himself. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the resounding applause and cheers in our honor. It is true that we were forced to do it, but now I felt that I no longer had to regret it. I was surrounded by people who understood that, some of them were just like me, others did everything they could not to hurt us, and while they sometimes did, we knew that their intention was not to hurt anyone. Many mishaps or distasteful jokes resulted mainly from ignorance and ignorance.