MAYA WAS ACROSS from me, sitting in the same position as the last time I'd seen her. Today, she wore her hair down, in some loose waves, though I noticed some of her rings missing. As always, she had a soft smile on her face that made me immediately feel warm.
''How are you today, Freya?'' She asked as she clicked her pen and opened the notebook, all while maintaining eye contact with me.
I returned the smile, ''I'm alright. A little bit tired, but it was a busy day at work.''
She nodded her head, ''Tell me about it.''
I winced, ''Well, my boss just scored an amazing business deal and he managed to buy off one of the publishing houses he was after, which itself is amazing... But, the paperwork? It was exhausting, to say the least.''
Maya chuckled, ''Yes, I can imagine.''
And I left out the part where my father was the one who ended with the shorter end of the stick. I haven't seen him around the office, nor did he call me, but from what mom told me, he was pissed beyond words that someone so much younger than him managed to beat him at his own game. He was acting like a child.
''Are you still having nightmares?'' Maya asked.
I stilled for a moment. With a deep breath, I shrugged my shoulders, ''Not too often. Sometimes they get very vivid and dark, other times it's just the vibe that is giving me the creeps and I wake up.'' Maya's silence encouraged me to continue, ''And the odd part is... I asked a friend of mine to track him down in prison, just to make sure that my paranoia is just that... paranoia.''
''And?''
I released a shaky breath, ''A fight broke out two weeks ago and it was bad. Some of the inmates ganged up on him and they brought knives to a fist fight, he's been in the hospital ever since, and now I'm worried that he'll try to escape.''
''I don't think it's that easy. But I understand your worries.''
''I even thought about switching apartments, or moving back in with my parents. I get terrified sometimes that he'll come back to finish what he started and if he ever decides to do that, there is no one who would be able to save me. Milo is unstable, unpredictable and very dangerous. I know it's taking a toll on my mental health even thinking about this, but I can't shut him out. Wherever I go, I am on the edge, afraid that he'll jump out of nowhere.''
Maya blinked, scribbled down in her notebook, her hand moving quickly over the paper, ''Have you told anyone about this?''
I shook my head, ''No. Who could I tell? My parents would get worried, and my friends would either think I'm being way too paranoid or they would simply never let me out of their sight again, and I don't know which one is worse.''
Maya licked her bottom lip, ''Listen, Freya. You went through something traumatic, and you barely made it out alive. It's okay to let people worry about you and be cautious of your surroundings. Sometimes, they could notice the things that you'd miss.''
''I know.'' I whispered, ''But I can't let anyone see me be that vulnerable. I was in that state once and never, ever again am I going to allow myself to be so... pathetic.''
''It's not pathetic.''
I cut her off before she could speak, ''It is pathetic to me. It's not like Milo was a saint and I couldn't see it coming. It was right there, in front of me. Over the time we were dating, he showed me exactly who he was. Him running me over with his car and leaving me to die on the coldest winter night of the year is the most pathetic thing I allowed myself to happen. No matter how I look at it – it was my fault. I was dumb enough to believe that just because he was angry enough to hit me once, he wouldn't do it again if I didn't give him a reason. That was just... such a naive way to look at things.''
Maya stopped me, silencing me with a lift of her finger, ''We've been through this already, Freya. No, it wasn't your fault. You were a child and you were manipulated into thinking whatever he wanted you to think. It was his fault and his only..''
It didn't matter that a part of me wanted to believe her, the bigger part of me couldn't. I could never forget the look of pure horror and sorrow on my parent's faces when I finally told them what was happening. They never blamed me, either. But I know that there was a time where I could've escaped his claws and a time where he probably wouldn't have bothered chasing after me.
It was my fault and mine only that I was too much of a coward to take the chance. And no matter how Maya tried to break that ''toxic'' way of thinking, I didn't let her. Because, deep down, all of the nightmares, the nausea, the paranoia... I knew I deserved it all.
•••
''I don't want to watch that movie, Cora.'' I mumbled under my breath and put another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth.
Pretending not to hear me, Cora put on the notebook anyway and laid next to me, squeezing her way onto the couch until she was laying on the bigger part of it.
''How can you not like this movie?'' She asked.
''I do like it, but we've seen it over a million times. I know it by heart, damn it. Just put on something else.''
The moment after, she stuck her tongue out like a little kid, ''Not happening. My house, my rules.''
I rolled my eyes at her and silently watched the movie. It took all the mental strength I had not to fall asleep. Whenever I closed my eyes only for a moment to doze off, she would smack me, bite me or pinch me, harshly.
''What's up with you?'' Cora asked, her eyes glued to the big TV in her living room.
I was thinking for a moment whether or not to tell her about the things I was talking about with Maya, but then decided against it. It would be another person worried about me, and I didn't want that. Instead, I told her the first thing that popped into my head.
''I want a cat.''
Cora paused, and slowly turned towards me. Blinking, she gave me a blank stare, ''You want... a cat?''
''Yes.''
Her head tilted to the side and one eyebrow rose, ''But you can barely take care of yourself.''
I rolled my eyes, ''Yes, but I want a cat. I never had one.''
She looked confused, ''Then get one.''
''But it's a huge commitement.''
''Then don't get one.''
I was whining like a child, ''But, I want one.''
Cora laughed, ''You're acting like you're in middle school. Seriously, get a cat. You'll always have company and knowing you, it's gonna be the most spoiled little thing in the world. So, enjoy it and get one.''
''I probably will get one.'' I mumbled, as the thought of being a cat mom was more and more appealing, ''Anywho, what are your plans for next weekend?''
She was silent for a moment, ''Not a clue. It's still too early to make plans. Why, what did you have in mind?''
''I'll be having a dinner with mom and dad and wanted you to tag along.''
Her eyes lit up, ''Of course. Count me in.''
Cora adored my parents, and vice versa. They had a strong bond and they treated Cora like a second child, and sometimes, it seemed like they preferred her over me. Though, it was mainly my fault. Whenever we were with mom and dad, we always bickered, like siblings. And then, since it was almost always Freya to blame, they would take her side and made fun of me.
Honestly, they made me feel so loved. They showed me what it felt to truly be loved and I appreciated it more than they would ever know.
The movie ended and I stayed over at her place, since I was too tired to move.
''I didn't get to ask you,'' Cora stated, ''How is it going with your boss?''
The teasing in her tone matched the wicked smirk on her face. I could feel myself blushing at her question and I tried to dodge it, but she wouldn't let me.
''Okay, enough.'' I said after she continued to tease me, ''It's going... fine. We're just sex buddies, there's nothing else.''
''Are you sure about that? Because I only mentioned his name and you're as red as an apple.''
I laughed, ''I'm sure. Because I can't let there be anything more than that. I'm very much aware that he isn't looking for a relationship, either. I don't want to catch feelings and then get my heart broken by my own stupidity.''
But Cora didn't need to know that it was all a lie. All of it. I found myself thinking about him more often than not, and it wasn't good. My imagination was running wild and one of these days, I was bound to get burned.
•••
I'm going on a vacation so I won't be available for the next two weeks but you can still expect one chapter per week<3