Maddy knew who she was from a very early age.
For as long as Maddy could remember, everybody loved her. She never knew exactly what it was. She just knew that she had something special. Something intangible. Something immeasurable. And it gave her confidence. That's why she loved pageantry, because you didn't have to be the prettiest, or the tallest, or the blondest, or the whitest. You just had to have fucking confidence. And she probably would have gone on to win Miss Universe. If it weren't for this guy.
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"Desi, where have you been? I texted you twenty minutes ago that Rue found Gia and Naomi," Kyle asks me anxiously as I cross the parking lot and join him at my car. "I stopped by the chili booths again and apologized to Mrs. and Mr. Jacobs for my behavior. My sass was unnecessary and inappropriate," I lie, pulling my jacket tighter around me so it covers any exposed skin. "Is everything okay? Did they say something?" he continues to ask and I shake my head, then look next to him where my sister is standing with her eyes fixed on the floor.
"Naomi," I say her name and she lifts her head to look at me. "Where were you and why didn't you answer your phone?" I ask seriously and she hesitantly looks to Kyle who nods at her. "Gia and I were with Troy and Roy. I-I didn't hear my phone ring," she replies and I silently let her appearance sink in before nodding. "I know you're stoned, and I'm not happy that you surround yourself with people like that, but I guess there's not much I can say. If one of us is the disappointment, it's me, so I'll let you do what you want. Just don't scare me like that again," I tell her honestly before pressing a kiss to her temple and walking around the car to the driver's seat.
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Her dreams were dashed by some random 50 year old creep who didn't molest her, let alone ever meet her. She refused to eat for a week out of protest. But then she realized how much she liked not doing anything. Maddy would never say it out loud, especially not today because everybody's so political, but she never really had any desire to have a career or job. She was just interested in doing what she did, just without school and the other bullshit.
Her mother was an esthetician, which is a fancy way of saying she gave pedicures to rich people. And her dad was a drunk who was always pretending to hold jobs longer than he did. She quickly realized that there are two kinds of people in the world. The people who sit in the chairs, with their feet in the foot bath. And the people who kneel in front of the foot bath. She used to sit and study the women who came in. She'd pay attention to what they wore and what they'd talk about. And what she realized was that none of them actually did anything. I mean, they may have had children to raise or like, homes to decorate, but at the end of the day, they literally did nothing. They literally did nothing.
And strangely, none of them had confidence.
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"Good night," I say softly, then tuck my sister in and press a kiss to her forehead. Naomi is too old to be tucked into bed, but because I see so little of her now, I couldn't help myself. She's too high to complain about being treated like a baby anyway.
"Desi"
I stop at the door of her room and turn to her. "Yeah?" "I'm sorry I made you worry and disappointed you. It won't happen again," she apologizes sleepily, and I smile. "Nothing you've ever done or will ever do will disappoint me. You're young and curious...I get it. I just want you to be aware of the dangers of the world," I assure her and she nods, yawning. "Are you going to tell Mom and Dad about this?" "I don't talk to Lilith anymore and Dad doesn't have to know about it if it stays a one-time thing," I reply and she exhales in relief. "Thank you, Sis. I love you" "I love you too. Sleep tight," I reply with a smile and turn off the light, then walk out of her room and close the door.
But the second it clicks into the lock behind me, my smile drops from my face and I bury my head in my hands to hold back the tears that are welling up.
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She had had a thing for Nate for a while before he finally asked her out. At first he was a gentleman. Like, flowers every day kind of gentleman. And he was smarter than most guys. Plus Nate like, really loved her. And she did love Nate. She loved her relationship with Nate. She was also a really good girlfriend.
Granted, she didn't always tell the truth. Because the truth-truth is that when she was 14, on vacation in Panama City Beach, she met a guy who was like, 40. Which in retrospect, seems kind of rape-y and weird, but honestly, she was the one in control.
But she could tell by looking in Nate's eyes how much it meant to him. That she was 100% his. Plus it's not like anyone could feel the fucking difference.
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"Yeah, she had a great time with her friends. I just checked on her and she's already sleeping," I tell my dad, wiping the ongoing tears from my cheek. "I'm glad to hear that, puddin'. Your voice sounds a little gruff. Is everything okay?" he asks, and I let my hand slide to my neck, which sends a new wave of pain through my body with each movement. "My throat is hurting a little. I guess I screamed too much on the Gravitron," I lie, taking my hand off my neck. "Oh, then make sure you drink a cup of Martha's herbal tea before you go to bed, okay?" he advises and I nod. "I will. Good night, Dad," I say and he wishes me a good night, too, before we end the call.
I wipe away the fresh tears before taking a deep breath and opening the door to my room. Kyle immediately looks up from Rosie's bed and I put on a smile. "Is she already asleep?" I ask him and he nods before pointing to my phone. "Everything good with David?" "Yeah, dad had a good night. He sounded happy," I reply and he smiles. "I wonder every time how your parents' marriage is still intact after all that drama," he confesses and I shrug, trying not to let on that it hurts. "Just because my mom is a bitch to me doesn't mean her love for dad is gone too. At first it made me mad, but by now I'm glad that he and Naomi don't have to suffer because of my mistakes," I counter and he gently grabs my hand and pulls me to his side.
"Hey...how many times have we talked about this, hmm? We did everything possible to protect ourselves, but-" "But God had other plans for us. I know, Kyle. I didn't mean it," I finish his sentence and squeeze his hand before letting go of him and turning away from him and towards my closet.
He doesn't say anything else as I pick out my pajamas and it isn't until I walk to the door of my adjoining bathroom that I turn to face him. "I really had a good time today, Kyle. I'm glad you're back with us...even if only for a little while," I say honestly and he smiles a little, however I can see the concern in his eyes. "There is nowhere I would rather be than with my two girls. My place is by your side," he replies, coming up to me, pressing a kiss to my cheek and then walking to the door of the room. "Good night, Desi" "Good night," I reply and watch him close the room door behind him before I go into the bathroom.
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But that's the thing about guys like Nate. They don't actually want a person. They want something they can own and possess. Like Sharon Stone in Casino. But the cool thing about Sharon Stone in Casino is that she ran the fuck over De Niro. And Maddy did the same to Nate. Seriously, Sharon Stone in Casino was like, Maddy's spirit animal.
She also watched a lot of porn. Not because it turned her on or anything, it didn't. But if you analyzed it really closely, there were a ton of really good secrets. Sometimes during sex she would imagine she was a ventriloquist controlling her body, moving her hips and arching her back in just the right way. She wanted Nate to feel good about the way he fucked. Because if you make a guy feel confident and powerful...well, they'll do anything.
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With silent tears running down my cheek, I take my forehead from the cold tiles and hold my face under the shower head again, then turn off the water and open the glass door and step out of the shower. Taking my towel from the hanger, I dry my body before wrapping it around my body. This movement alone and the pain it triggers serve as a reminder of tonight's horror.
I then wipe my hand across the mirror to see my reflection, but regret it as soon as my gaze falls on my neck. A dark, blue-purple handprint stands out against the rest of my skin but my darker skin complexion fortunately takes away some of its obviousness, however I know it's there. And it makes me sick.
"Why would he do this to us?"
My mind wanders back to Maddy and the fear in her eyes as the breathlessness and consequences of her behavior hit her. Nate wasn't going to stop. He was in no state to even form a clear thought. And I should hate him, and part of me does, but...
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She did worry about the whole monogamy thing though. It's not like she ever, cheated-cheated. Every now and then she'd find herself, in like, a gray area. Except for that DJ who said he opened for Calvin Harris. And that stockbroker guy with the family who lived on Oak Street. And the hot dude who ran the roller rink. But honestly, those were all times when Nate and her were on a break.
Plus, Nate could be a real asshole. And sometimes, Maddy fantasized about punching Nate. But because of who he was as a person, she was afraid he'd hit her back. Especially because he was coming to terms with his sexuality. It's like, the root of a lot of violence.
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Maddy 💅🏻💸: u up?
Read 1:25 AM
Maddy 💅🏻💸: I can't sleep either
Read 1:26 AM
Maddy 💅🏻💸: can we talk?
Desi 💕💸: what is there to talk about?
Maddy 💅🏻💸: about what happened
Desi 💕💸: he is a piece of shit and that's it. you warned me, I didn't listen
Maddy 💅🏻💸: no...you listened and that's why you're in this mess. you did all this because I asked you too
Desi 💕💸: you told me to stop and I chose my feelings for him over you
Desi 💕💸: it's my own fault. but I will never forgive him for today...he can rot for all I care
Maddy 💅🏻💸: it's not that easy. He has a problem and he obviously needs us right now
Desi 💕💸: I know...and I hate that I care
Maddy 💅🏻💸: same
Desi 💕💸: you need to tell me everything you know about what you've found in his phone
Maddy 💅🏻💸: meet me at my locker on Monday
Read 1:28 AM
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And when Maddy got home that night, she felt sick to her stomach. Like enough to throw up. Desi felt the same. She was terrified of what was to come. Because the guy who almost choked the life out of her couldn't have been the same guy she fell in love with. At that moment, he was not the Nate who offered her security and comfort or the Nate who accepted Rosie without problems. He was someone else and realizing that pretty much fucked with Desi's mind.
But Maddy wasn't surprised and it wasn't the violence that scared Maddy. It was the fact that she knew, no matter what he did, she'd still love him.
And unfortunately, she's not the only one.