"Ryujin, did you know our server tonight? You kept staring at her" my mom asks while she's driving. If she noticed that I was staring, I wonder if Karina noticed it too. That would be so embarrassing.
Throughout dinner, I noticed that the server kept smiling at me or maybe I was just crazy. Of course she's gonna act friendly and nice, it's part of her job. Although, she's the first person that I really took an interest in or found attractive aside from Lia.
"No, I don't know her and I wasn't staring. I was just probably looking in her direction but not at her" I speak nonsense in hopes she will believe it. She might. Not because I think my mom is stupid but because she might not care enough.
"I see" I give myself an imaginary pat on my back.
"So it looks like Beomgyu and Yeji get along well" I change the subject before my mom mentions something else about the server.
My mom sighs, "I still can't believe he got someone pregnant. How can he focus on his career if he has a child at such a young age?"
My mom never ceases to amaze me with her concerns. I would have thought she would be happy that Beomgyu and Yeji are managing to make things work for the baby.
"He did look happy" Yuna chimes in.
"I just don't trust that girl. What if her intentions are not pure and she's just gonna use him?"
"But we don't know that, mom. At least try to get to know her before making assumptions like that. We don't know anything about her" I say.
"Why do you keep taking her side?" My mom questions.
I ask myself the same thing. Why do I keep taking her side? Is it because I feel bad? But why would I feel bad for her? Do I still think that my brother may have ruined her life so I'm trying to make up for it by defending her?
"I'm not taking her side" I mumble.
"I think Ryujin is just being fair" Yuna rescues me.
"You are being biased and you keep thinking badly about Yeji when it's not just her doing that she got pregnant. Beomgyu had a part in it too but you're not as harsh with him with this whole thing. If Yeji wanted money from us, I think she would act more shameless than how she's acting now. You can tell that she's being cautious to try not to overstep with anything at the house. I keep trying to put myself in her situation. I don't know what happened with her family but if I had to ask someone else's family for help then it wouldn't feel good" Yuna continues.
"You would never be that stupid, Yuna" I couldn't believe what my ears just heard.
"Have you never made a mistake in your whole life?" I get annoyed now and Yuna is giving me a look. She knows I'm about to fight our mom again.
"How can you say that? What if I get pregnant? I was attending those parties too. What if I hooked up with some guy and I got pregnant?" The thought of it makes me sick. Maybe my gayness is too strong?
"Would you disown me? What are you gonna do? No one in this car knows what that girl is going through and what she's feeling but you're worst, mom. You keep making her out to be a bad person. I've spoken with her a few times and she's not bad. You're worried about Beomgyu's future when he doesn't have to take time off from school or work to recover from giving birth" I argue.
"I know this isn't your ideal situation but at least try to be supportive. Take an interest in other aspects of our lives. Not just our education and future careers" I sarcastically comment.
"I don't feel like arguing with you tonight" she doesn't bother to look at me and she continues to drive in silence.
Yuna sighs, "I just want one peaceful night."
I do feel guilty for starting the fight but I have so much pent up emotions that I just snap every time my mom would say something so insensitive.
---
I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling hungry. Maybe I didn't eat enough because I was nervous about Karina checking on us in the restaurant? Even though that was her job and I'm making a big thing out of nothing?
I put on my robe and I leave my room to search for food. On my way to the kitchen, I pass by Yeji's room and I hear someone crying. I become curious and I quietly approach her room while listening closely.
After confirming that Yeji is crying, I start contemplating whether I should go in or not to see if she's okay. She might be the type to want to be alone when crying or she might be the type to want to talk someone? I did promise Beomgyu that I'll get along with Yeji but I don't know if this is appropriate.
I decided to go get some food while I try to figure out what to do. Can't think on an empty stomach.
I make myself a simple sandwich and when I finish, I get an idea. I go to our medicine cabinet and grab a couple of pills for indigestion then I grab a glass of water to bring with me.
I make my way upstairs and I stand in front of her room, wondering if I should follow through or not.
My wondering thought didn't last long when the door in front of me opens and I'm met with a puffy face Yeji.
"Hi" I panic so my voice cracks.
She quickly wipes the tears off her face then she wipes her hands on her shorts.
"Did I wake you up?" She looks worried.
"No" I look down because I feel awkward right now. I don't know this girl but I'm standing in front of her room in the middle of the night while holding a glass of water and medicine and I don't even know if she needs it or not.
"I thought maybe you were crying because you have indigestion since the food at that place was kind of greasy" I realize how crazy I sound by using that excuse to see if she's okay.
"Oh yea" she takes the medicine and water from me.
"Are you okay?" I want to slap myself at this point because she's clearly not okay so why in the world did I think that was an appropriate question to ask?
"Uhm, yea" she answers even though we both know the truth and neither one of us are willing to admit the awkwardness out loud.
"Well, if you want to talk about anything, you know where my room is" I awkwardly chuckle.
"Ryujin" she calls my name as I'm about to head back to my room.
"Yes?" I face her.
She suddenly throws herself at me and she's crying again. I stand there while frozen since I'm not sure what to do. Do I hug her back? Do I say it's okay? Do I push her off? I really don't know anything about her but somehow I feel like I should be there for her.
"Do you want to talk?" I ask and she nods her head while still embracing me.
She let me go and we go into her room. She sits on her bed and I sit down next to her. I still feel uncomfortable with this whole thing because I don't know what to ask her. I don't how to start the conversation and I'm not sure what to expect.
"I'm sorry" she's not crying anymore.
"It's all good. Crying can be fun" I say. It probably wasn't the best thing to say but it's out there now.
She chuckles but I know it's out of pity or she thinks I'm an asshole.
"Do you want to tell me why you were crying?" I ask and I'm not sure if that was the right way to ask or if I seemed too nosy.
"I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I feel lost and I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know if I'm making the right choice of keeping this baby. Why did I have to be so stupid that night? I feel bad too because Lia thinks she's responsible for all of this even though I've told her many times that she's not. I chose to go to that party with her and I made the decision of having sex with someone that night" she shares which surprises me. I didn't expect her to actually open up.
I can understand what Lia is feeling because I somewhat feel responsible too for not stopping them at the party.
"I just wanted one night to forget about all my problems but instead I made more problems for myself" she's tearing up again.
"What kind of problems were you trying to forget?" I ask and I feel like I'm not being sensitive enough and I don't feel like I'm really being there for her.
"I was stressing out a lot because of school and my boyfriend at the time. I was so busy with school because I had to do well in everything or my parents would be disappointed in me. I had so much pressure that I felt like I was going to explode. Then my boyfriend wasn't understanding everything or anything I was going through. He was complaining about how I didn't have time for him anymore and that was his reason for cheating on me."
"Lia convinced me to go to the party and I've never been to that kind of party before. I don't know if it was the alcohol or if it's because I felt free that night for the first time but I decided to really let loose. Clearly, I was too loose" she sighs and I try not to make an inappropriate comment because I had other images in my head when she said she's too loose.
"Why did your parents kick you out though? You're still their daughter. Shouldn't they support you?" I ask because I'm curious about it.
"I was no longer the daughter they wanted" she scoffs with her teary eyes. I can sense her anger and sadness.
"They kicked me out and told me that I'm no longer a part of their family. They told me that they will no longer pay for my tuition and that I shouldn't bother finishing the rest of the semester. I understand being disappointed in me but kicking me out of the family? That shit hurts."
"Lia was helping me since I was kicked out but I didn't think it was appropriate. I had to swallow my pride to tell your brother. I'm looking for a job but I had to make sure that I had somewhere to stay first. If it was just me then I would be okay staying anywhere but I am pregnant. I can't put myself in situations where it can harm the baby" she explains.
I think Yeji has been hiding her feelings and emotions for too long because it all just came out tonight. I truly didn't expect to learn this much about her but I'm not mad. Everyone needs someone they can talk to. She has Lia but I think since Lia blames herself for Yeji's situation then she probably doesn't want to share that she's struggling.
"If it makes you feel better, I don't think you have indigestion" I comment and she laughs.
"Thank you for listening to me. In some way or another, I feel like you've had my back ever since we met. It didn't matter that your brother was involved, you took my side and made sure that he didn't take advantage of me. I don't know why but that meant a lot to me and the way you fought back against your mom when she asked if I was after their money and if I was keeping the baby."
I just smile at her.
I just realized why I've been so accepting of her. I can sense her loneliness. She was lonely even before the pregnancy news and her family disowning her. She didn't have to say it but I know she felt lonely because she wasn't living her life for herself. She was doing things to make her parents proud and now she's living her life for the good of the baby.
I'm drawn to her because of my loneliness. I am not living my life for me. I'm not even living my life as my true self.