11. What is trust?
Freya
Joel was here yesterday. I've been constantly thinking about it, no matter how hard I've tried to focus on finding Gilbert's secret. I tried to look from his suitcase when he was in the shower last night, but I found nothing. I looked every pocket and all.. but why would he keep some drugs in there? It would be too obvious, and if there would be drugs, he would've got caught at the airport.
So.. either he was hiding them inside of him, or he got the drugs from here.. what if he knows a dealer that lives in Helsinki?
But about Joel.. I must say that.. I felt so freaking relieved when I saw him. Right now I feel safer than before, but I'm still so confused and ashamed. I left him with so horrible way, and still he was sitting next to me, asking if I was okay. I wanted to say the truth.. that I'm not okay. But I had to lie.
It doesn't feel right to call the police that I'm suspecious about Gilbert.
If there wouldn't be any drugs or anything else, it would be embarrassing as hell. I want to believe that.
But clearly Gilbert's behavior has changed and I will look for anything that would be the reason for it. But as I said to Joel yesterday, I have to do it before Gilbert would take me to Caribbean. He wants us to have a small vacation there. But I'm not going before I know if he's a serial killer or something.
No! No, of course he's not a murderer. My imagination is just being.. lively.
My thoughts got interrupted by a hand touching my shoulder. I flinched and looked up to my left. Gilbert was standing there and smiling lightly. I was sitting around the kitchen table and eating my breakfast. I woke up at 11am, so this is a bit late breakfast. Eevi already went somewhere with Oscar, I don't know where Olli is.
"What were you thinking so deeply?" Gilbert asked as he started taking the dishes off from the table. I swallowed and and tried to smile.
"Uhm.. just.. life in general." I said casually, he nodded. I felt nervous.
"I've been thinking that same topic too. Like.. would you like to move in to London with me officially?" He questioned carefully. I freezed. I.. fuck...
My hands started shaking, I felt sick. I heard him walking towards me slowly, and when he placed his hands on my shoulders behind me, my body tensed.
He started massaging them and it didn't help at all.
"You've told me how much you love London and that it feels like home. I'd be ready to that.. but do you want it, dear?" He kissed the top of my head. I had to close my eyes and fight against the tears.
Not now. Don't you break into tears. Fight. Fight. Don't let the tears come. Don't show those little tears of anxiety and fear. Suck them in. Don't. Break.
"Freya?" Gilbert asked and it made me open my eyes again. I opened my mouth and let out a long, but silent breath.
"I.. need to think about it." I only let those words come out of my mouth. Of course it confused Gilbert, so he decided to sit next to me to a chair. Slowly I moved my head to look at him. He was frowning, but not because of anger. He was worried. Damn it.
I can't make him confused, he can't suspect that I'm doing something behind his back.
I hate lying so, so, so much. But I had to do my best.
He changed his look between my both eyes, it made me nervous. Like he was trying to read them.
"You're hesitating." He said it so.. normally.
Then suddenly he put his hand on top of my forehead, it confused me.
"Are you getting sick?" He asked. I took his hand and lowered it down, but I still hold it, just to make sure that he would believe me. I had to act like I usually do.
I shook my head as an answer. Now his face was different. He was thinking about something. I had to cut those wings of his thoughts.
"I'ts a big decision after all. All the paper works, finding a job.. everything. You know that it's hard for me to trust to people, and especially when it comes to move in together..." I explained, looking at our hands.
"You don't trust me enough?" Immediately he asked. Quickly I lifted my eyes up to him. Now I need to fix that what I said.. great. How lying is so easy to some people?
"It's not that. You know me.. I'm.. difficult person."
Hell yeah I am a difficult person. But I felt so stupid after saying that. Gilbert wasn't really buying that, I saw it. I'm so bad at this.
"You're not difficult. But I let you think in peace. I just hope that you would see the good things in it, not only all the paper work. And.. in my opinion you wouldn't need to work at all." He said while standing up and continuing to fill the dishwasher.
He said what?
"What do you mean.. not work at all?" I turned in my chair so I could get a better look at him. He wasn't looking at me.
"You don't need to worry about money at all. Let me deal with that, and you can do whatever you want." He shrugged his shoulders, don't know why but maybe it was insecurity. Then he glanced at me smiling. I stared at him so confused.
"My job is photographing. I love it, so why wouldn't I do it? You used to do it as well.. thought you'd know how important it is..." I sighed and shook my head a little. I stood up and took the last sip of my tea, then I went to the dishwasher that was open. He was about to take the mug from me, but I pulled my hand back a bit. I put it myself to the dishwasher. I heard him sighing.
"I was only thinking -"
"No you weren't! Don't forget the fact that I did fucking hard work when I used to have a job at that photography studio. I have worked for my whole life, now I've felt so useless since I.. since I left here." I told him. Yes I'm trying to not get him pissed, but it's hard when he suggests stupid things.
"And what happened when you worked hard at that nauseous studio? You almost got raped!" He raised his voice a little. Now I didn't care anymore if I would get him pissed. I'm the one who get's angry now.
"That has nothing to do with this conversation or that I used to work hard! You have no rights to bring that topic up to my mind!" I raised my voice too.
He was about to open his mouth again to say something not so wise, but I went closer to him and pointed him with a finger.
"I hope you haven't forgot that I'm a strong and independent woman. I earn my own money by photographing. I don't need protection, I'll do it myself. No matter if I'm dating or living under the same house with my boyfriend, I still have my freedom and opinions. And if I don't.. I'll get them back by leaving." I kept the intense eye contact with him.
His cold stare back made shivers go through my spine.
"I haven't forgot. That's one reason why I fell in love with you. I can help you to find a good studio from London." He turned around. He was leaving the kitchen, so I followed him further behind.
"I didn't decide yet if I'm moving there." I said a bit confused.
He stopped walking and turned around again, I went closer to him. He looked down at me, and a small smirk was suddenly on his lips.
"Tell me when you have decided. Make that decision.. in peace. In the meantime I will plan our trip to Caribbean." He put his hands slowly on my sides and stroked them. I nodded slowly. Then he looked down at my lips, and his stare made me freeze a bit. It's so strange how everything in him can change in minutes. His eyes, his body language and just everything. He leaned down to kiss me, so I let him.
After the kiss he smiled at me and then went to the basement. I kept standing there emotionless.
I heard Olli clearing his throat behind me, so quickly I turned around. He was leaning his back against the wall, his hands were on his jeans pockets. Apparently he just came out of his and Eevi's bedroom. I played with my fingers as I walked past him towards the living room.
I sat on the couch, not really knowing what should I do. Olli was walking towards me, and I knew he had something on his mind.
"I heard your and his little.. argument." He said calmly. I sighed silently, and I started rubbing my forehead. He sat down too, but further away from me since the couch was big.
"I'm glad you're standing up for yourself." He continued. I turned my eyes on him, and he was smiling a bit.
"Did he tell you something when you two were at the bar?" I quietly asked. His face turned pale, and he was clearly hiding something. I was getting nervous.
"I really wouldn't like to break the promise I made." He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them again. My heart started beating faster and faster. What if it's something horrible? It has to be.
"What promise?" I almost whispered. My eyes started tearing up, this tension made me too scared.
"That it would stay between me and him. He said that he would tell you when the right time comes." He scratched his scalp and was so nervous too.
I wiped those tears away from my cheeks.
I went closer to him and he then looked at me, his eyes looked tired.
Tired from all the hiding.
"Is the secret something bad..?" I whispered. I didn't want Gilbert to hear us, even though he's at the basement. But he would be still listening to us behind some corner.
He was struggling, he was scratching his face and his other leg was shaking.
"I.. no I really can't tell!" He suddenly started fighting against his tears. It shocked the hell out of me when I saw him reacting that way. So I stopped crying after staring at Olli. His hands were shaking.
"What are you two talking about?" Gilbert's voice made us flinch, and it felt like my heart skipped a beat. My legs made me stood up, and I moved my eyes to Gilbert. His hands were on his trousers pockets. Olli stayed still, covering his face with his hands. He tried to hide his tearful eyes. Gilbert suddenly looked scary. What is he hiding that makes Olli cry? Has he done something to Olli? Or will do if he tells the secret to anyone?
I have so many questions.
Gilbert walked closer, looking at me like I was nothing. Like I was only a sad little ant that he would crush with his foot.
"What is the thing you won't tell me?" I gathered myself and decided to ask it. His face didn't change. He kept coming closer and when he was standing right in front of me.. his eyes.. they were fucking scary.
He lifted his hand slowly up and then touched my cheek. My body tensed. His hand was cold. He stroked it slowly, and then he slided it to my neck. I didn't know what I should've done. I had flashbacks when.. when Tuomas did bad things. I couldn't move. His hand was on my throat now, and I opened my mouth to get one extra breath. My whole body was shaking.
He moved my head closer to his, and I had to shut my eyes. It was hurting so much.
"I promise dear.. I won't hurt you. But now.. you need to take a nap." He whispered to my ear and his voice made shivers to my body. I frowned.
Take a nap? What does it mean? I couldn't ask that since his hand was wrapped around my throat.
I felt something stinging in my arm. It made my whole body freeze. I started feeling dizzy, and then Gilbert took his hand away from my throat. He took a firm grip from my body. I moved my head to my left, and that was the moment I saw it.
The black silhouette of a man. A tall one. Standing in the corner.
I lost consciousness.
Oh no.. thoughts about this?
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