January 19th, 2021
"Dont pout." Heeseung laughed. I grabbed my phone out and began to type furiously. "This is the second time you have ruined a friendship! First Xiao Jun and now Dongyul? He's probably going to be so awkward around me because you cant just shut up!" Then I showed him.
He scoffed. "How many times must I say it? Hes 26. It is weird for you to be friends with him right now and your an idol. It's not like the friendship is going to last long anyway."
I couldnt tell if he was being serious. I began to type once again. "Just please leave me alone Heeseung. Now is not a good time." Then I turned the phone back to him.
"Fine but you know I'm right." Heeseung teased and then walked away. He left. I teared up at the frustration boiling in me, gripping my hair tightly with both hands.
I let out a big sigh and began to silently cry. I dont know why I was so upset especially since I havent known Dongyul for long. Just something was so annoying.
Through my shaky and tear driven voice, I began to sing a song quietly to calm myself. I need to find peace is something besides silence.
January 22nd, 2021
I cant stop. My arm isnt enough. It doesnt feel like it's enough. The craves to do it anywhere else is insane but I cant. I'm sobbing next to the sink while I write. I'm so tired and I truly can't handle anything anymore.
I've thrown up just a few minutes ago. I'm sick to the point I can't handle anything going into my stomach besides alchohol. I have a Jack Daniel's bottle sitting next to me and I've drank about five shots in total.
I'm trying to escape in any way possible and I can't. I want to scream so loud I burst my own ear drums yet I can't. I want to release this feeling but I can't.
It won. I wave the white flag in surrender. Congratulations monster. You've won. Little Jeongmi lost. I lost.
January 28th, 2021
I haven't talked to Jay, Sunoo or Heeseung in a while. Whenever Jay or Sunoo coming knocking on my door I dont answer and Heeseung honestly hasnt really come back since the 19th.
He dropped food off once and that was it. I suppose I've grown less sick but its hard to swallow food. Weverse and Twitter dont help though.
The rumor grew bigger and the company had put a statement out about it on how it is not true after an "investigation" into it which the rumor isn't true of course but the investigation part was truly bullshit.
I told my Manager that I knew who did it but he said it didnt matter and I should just focus on the upcoming comeback. That's all the matters isnt it?
Making the company money. It's all they want. Goodness, I'm such a wreck. I dont know what to do and I'm so scared. I need somebody. I texted Jay and asked him to come over.
I waited on the steps to my bed, holding myself until I heard the knock on my door that indicated Jay was here. Then there was the knock. I shot up and jogged to the door.
I swung it open and let Jay in. "What's wrong?" He asked. I only tightly hugged onto him. Jay giggled but seemed confused of course. "Did something happen?" He inquired, hugging me back.
I shook my head though I of course new it was a lie. He walked me over to the couch and sat down. He quickly turned on a good variety show and allowed me to rest my head against on his shoulder.
He pulled a blanket over us both and stayed silent, allowing me to relax. After a few minutes he said, "I feel like something wrong. You wouldn't do this for no reason, yeah?"
I frowned and lifted my head, looking up at him. I shrugged as I wasnt ready to share all my problems. Jay sighed but didn't say anything else.
All was silent except the TV.
Time skip
Jay said he had to go back because Niki wanted to play some game with him. Sounds familiar huh? He said he could get Heeseung to come over but I rejected that idea. I didnt want to see him. Yet I did though.
Now I'm alone again. Jay's only been gone for about thirty minutes until I heard my door suddenly swing open. As I was still on the couch, I jumped up and stood frozen.
"Did I do something to you?" Heeseung asked, looking frustrated. I didn't move. "Answer me Jeongmi! You still hate me when I don't come over here but I can't do that all the time! So what the hell is your problem now?!" Heeseung exclaimed.
He looked pissed. I vaguely shrugged as I wasnt sure how to respond. "Is it because I 'ruined' your friendship with Dongyul?" He questioned. I glared at him sourly.
Heeseung didnt seem to appreciate my look so he walked over quickly in just a few strides, causing me to immediately back up. Now I was scared again. I nearly don't have the energy for this anymore.
"Stop backing away from me Jeongmi. Why don't you want me around you? Look at me and tell me Jeongmi." Heeseung got real close to me, causing me to back against the wall. But his voice didn't sound as stern.
I shook my head weakly, my muscles were failing me as I started to slightly sink to the floor. Heeseung grabbed my waist and held me up.
"What's wrong? I know you didnt want to tell Jay but you have to tell someone. It's not good for you if you hold it in alright?" Heeseung was calm now, his thumbs caressing against the fabric of my shirt.
I shook my head again with just slight muscle movement. Heeseung frowned. "Please Jeongmi." He whispered, pulling me against him. I held onto his hoodie and breathed in his scent, leaning against him.
Heeseung gave up and brought me back to the couch, sitting me down carefully. He kneeled down infront of me, examining my pale face carefully.
"Something happened again. What was it?" He assumed. I only stared at him blankly. He leaned over me, his hands placed next to my head. I kept eye contact with him though I was getting nervous.
"I asked you a question, did I not? I need you to tell me the truth ok?" He spoke rather quietly. I grabbed his face with my icy hands. He seemed taken aback but didnt move.
I pulled his face closer and gave him a peck on the forehead. I'm not too sure why I did that but I just felt like I needed to.
"I can't." I whispered, letting go of his face. Heeseung's eyes widened but he kept a short distance between our faces. "Why? You can trust me alright?" Heeseung kept pressing.
I huffed and laid down on the couch, closing my eyes. Heeseung didnt say anything else and just laid my head on his lap as I laid limp.
January 29th, 2021
Heeseung hasn't left my dorm since yesterday. It's not like I want him gone it's just that he's never really been glued to my side like he has been. He even slept in my bed next to me.
It was like he became a golden retriever. Speaking of, I've been lying in bed all day and he is yet to leave my side. "Aren't you hungry?" He asked, looking over at me.
I was blankly just staring at the ceiling like always and he was on his phone. I shook my head but I knew he wouldn't believe it. "It's 2pm and you haven't eaten yet so I'm ordering food." Heeseung said so casually.
I turned on my side, my back facing him. I cuddled into the sheets. After a bit of typing on his phone, Heeseung sunk into the sheets as well and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me against him.
I couldn't help but get butterflies. I spun around and burring my face in his neck. I heard him let out a small chuckle as his hand rubbed my back. I cracked a small grin.
Then, abruptly, Heeseung began to tickle me. I shrieked and began to laugh uncontrollably. Heeseung was laughing at me and eventually stopped. I was huffing and out breath from so much laughing.
I whacked his arm playfully. Heeseung then got on top of me and kept tickling me. I shrieked again and tried to push him off so I could stop laughing so much. Heeseung was too strong.
I began to whine therefore he stopped and just kept laughing at me. I hit his chest but he wasn't bothered. "I had to make you laugh somehow." He said, flopping down next to me once again.
I snuggled against him once again. He wrapped his arms back around me and stroked my hair. I held onto his shirt, not too tight but firmly.
"Do you think I'm going to get snatched off the bed or something?" Heeseung teased. I giggled but said nothing. "Don't worry love, I'm not going anywhere." Heeseung whispered, kissing my forehead.
I got butterflies again. I didn't know if I should hate that he's doing this or go with it because I want him. Well I don't want him.
I need him.
February 2nd, 2021
Heeseung basically lives with me now though it sometimes gets awkward after practice since he still snaps at me in practice. He doesn't really say sorry, instead he snuggles up to me and rubs my stomach.
It even happened today. Except he still hasn't snuggled up to me. He's been sitting on the island chair for a while and meanwhile I'm on the couch just waiting for it. What sucks is that it's taking longer than normal.
I think he's in one of those moods where everything annoys him. Happens to me a lot. Oh I've suddenly remembered, I've been clean since Heeseung started to part-time live here.
The thoughts do start to haunt me sometimes but I just hug onto Heeseung and he cheers me up. I know I shouldn't be so dependent on him but I can't depend on myself.
I'll only end up hurting myself more. I can't ever help myself. That's why I need Heeseung. He helps me so much I just don't think he realizes. Maybe I'm stressing him out.
Oh but of course I am. This is why I can't deepend on anyone let alone myself. I'm just way too stressful. I don't listen and I can never do anything right. I can't speak for myself which only makes everything harder.
I'm the reason I can't get better. I'm the barrier between my mental health and happiness. I will never be able to get better because I can't let myself get better.
I wish I could but I can't. The thoughts are getting worse the more I think about this stuff. I'm causing the thoughts upon myself because I can never just think positively. I'm so optimistic it's driving me crazy, literally.
I want to get better. I need to get better. Yet, I can't get better. It's all my fault. Just then Heeseung got up and took his leave. I watched him go. Fear overtook me. I can't be left right now.
I know what I would do to myself if I'm alone. I immediately grabbed my phone and texted him, asking where he was going. He didn't respond for ten minutes.
I texted him again.
Me
Heeseung where are you going?
Heeseung...I don't mean to bother you but please don't leave me :(
Heeseung
Stop texting me. I'll be back later.
Me
Did I do something? I'm sorry I kept messing up at practice I try not to
Heeseung
It's ok love, I'll be back later alright?
I frowned. Why did he leave in the first place though?