U n a c c e p t a b l e F e e l i n g s
"Hey Bon" Kate greets me as she joins me in the garden, sitting down at the bench with me, I smile at her
"You have been very pensive lately" She mused
"I do not think I am going to marry this season, didi" I say quietly as my smile fades
"What are you talking about?" I stayed silent
"You know you can tell me" She lays her head on my shoulder "You are my sister, who I love more than anything, I will never judge you, on anything"
"There is no one, who captures my attention enough to marry, and there is the matter of my dowry, and-" I swallow as tears stung my eyes "I fear I have done something entirely wrong, Kate" she stayed quiet, letting me continue
"I have feelings for someone, someone I should not feel anything for" I admit, blinking my eyes furiously "But I cannot help it" a tear dropped from my eye
"I cannot marry anyone while I have feelings for this person, it is wrong for me to do it, and I wish I did not feel how I feel, but every time we spent time together, and I got to know him more and more, I got to know the kind of person that he is, and with the way my heart started to race every time he touched me, I knew i fell in love" I sniffled "And it hurts" I cry out, sobs escaping me.
"I have been thinking since this morning, and I figured out how I felt. I know I can never be with him, not in a million years, especially since he is going to ask someone else to marry him. Something I know is going to break me when the time comes and it is all my fault. I knew from the start that he was not interested in me, but I ignored it and now, now I am going to pay the price" She lifted her head up from my shoulder and stared at me sadly
"I am breaking, didi" I sob loudly and hugged her tightly "I hate this, I hate this feeling, I hate him for making me feel this, I wish I never met him and got to know him!"
"Bon," Kate pulled away from our hug "He does not deserve your tears" I nodded, trying to stop crying, but I was not able to
"No one does, especially not Anthony Bridgerton" I stopped hugging her but she just pulled me in tighter "Do you think I have not seen how you look at him?" She smiled sadly
"Even before you figured out your feelings for him, I knew how you felt. You did after all say you wanted to marry him since the first day you met him" She wiped away my tears as I calmed down, sniffling "How about this,"
"What if, after Edwina is married, you leave to India with me, I was after all going to leave immediately after either of you married" She offers "You come with me, the less you see him, the more your feelings for him will subside, and you get to visit our home, once the season starts again, you come back for your second season, after all, there is no rush to get married, you are one and twenty and on your first season, you still have a few seasons to go before you are considered a spinster" I nodded
"Yes" I smiled feeling better
"Yeah?" Kate smiled happily
"I would like that very much" I nodded
"Great!" Kate stood up "Now, let us go take a walk around the garden, no need to think about that hideous man anymore" I laugh along with her as she pulled me up from the bench to start our walk
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
It is the night of the ball. I was walking down the staircase along with my family and Lady Danbury. I look down to the dance floor. Couples dancing all over and families stood over to the side.
"Miss Edwina, might I have your first dance?" I looked down a few steps, Anthonys face gracing my sight. He looked at me for a second before turning back to Edwina.
"Certainly, my lord" She accepted and walked off with him leaving me to stare after them.
I looked back at my family, smiling at Kate who smiled back reassuringly, and then she walked down with Mama. Only Lady Danbury and I left. I approached Lady Danbury.
"Have you been enjoying your time alone with the Viscount" my face paled as I looked at her "You are friends and there are times you both are nowhere to be seen, like yesterday morning, in fact, I assume you both went for a walk, chaperoned of course, right?"
"Oh yes, he is a marvelous person" I smiled lightly, she smiled back humming and walked down. My smile faded as I sighed tiredly
I walked down to the refreshments table and walked away after I grabbed a glass . I looked out to the dance floor, where Anthony and Edwina were dancing, as I sip on my drink. Edwina approached me once the dance was finished.
"Lord Bridgerton has gone to get me a glass of lemonade" She tells me cheerfully, I hummed "We've just finished our second dance, I am certain he would have not asked me for two, if he did not have intentions for the evening"
"I am pleased to hear that" I smiled at her
"I need you to dance with him" She demands
"What?" my smile faded
"I need to know if he is going to declare himself by the end of the ball, as I hope, and you are the only one who can find out" she explains as I look over to Anthony, who is staring back at us.
"This may very well be my last chance" Edwina pleads, I stare at her conflicted
"Miss Edwina" Anthony called out, handing her a glass of lemonade
"Lord Bridgerton" Edwina said giddily "My sister wishes to take to the floor"
"Ah" he hummed staring at me, I stared back emotionlessly
"With you" Edwina clarified smiling, grabbing his glass of lemonade from his hands.
"Miss Y/n, may I have this dance?" he held out his hand, I looked at Edwina, who nodded encouragingly.
I am only doing this for you Bon, only for you.
"You may, my lord" I grab his hand and he leads me to the floor
Music starts as we get into position and we commenced dancing. We looked into each others eyes as we danced, us being a little bit closer than we needed to. Which was not helping with my feelings.
I could see my family and his watching us from the sides. As my eye catches Edwinas figure, I was reminded of why I was dancing with him in the first place.
"Are you going to propose to my sister by the end of the evening?" I asked, looking forward
"Will it make you happy if I did?" I furrowed my eyebrows. Why did it matter how it made me feel?
"I want my sister to be happy" I ignored his question
"Do you think I can make her happy?"
"That is a question for you" I say "Can you make her happy?" he stayed silent "If your silence is an indication, you are considering your declaration-"
"Is that what you want? For me to reconsider?" He cuts me off
"Of course not, that is not what I want" I exclaim "It would break Edwina's heart if you did not propose"
"Is that really what you want?" I decide not to answer and instead change the conversation
"I am to return with Kate to India" I inform him, his face goes pale "The moment Edwina and you are married"
His jaw clenched "You will abandon her?" Anthony says angrily
"Far from it, Anthony, she will be married, she will not need me and for personal reasons, it would be better for me to leave and return once it is time for the next season to start, or maybe not at all" we stopped dancing as he stares at me with wide eyes
"It is better that way" I bowed as the dance finishes, he swallows and marches off. I look at him as he walks further away.
"Where is the Viscount going?" Edwina approached me
"I-i do not know" I answer
"Well, what did you say?" I breath heavily
"i- I shall find him" I say to reassure her "Give me a moment" I walk off in search of Anthony.
I see him walk off into a study and follow after him quickly. I close the door after him.
"Why are you so distressed?" I questioned as he paces angrily.
"When will you leave?" He ignores my question instead asking his own "immediately, once your sister is married?"
"That is what Kate and I agreed on, yes" he looks all over the room
"And you will not concern yourself with finding a match of your own?"
"I said I will return for my second season, then am I going to find a husband" I answered
"Is this an excuse to keep me away from your sister? Did Miss Sharma put you up to this, thought that if you told me you would leave once your sister is married, I would not want to marry Miss Edwina, that is it, is it not?"
"No, of course not!" I exclaimed getting frustrated "Why does it matter if I leave or not? You want to marry Edwina, not me"
"Then tell me why you are planning to leave" he walked closer to me "Have I done something wrong?" He said exasperated
"No!"
"Why, are you leaving then!" he exclaimed, I huff.
"Pardon me, Anthony, but it does not concern you, you really are starting to vex me with all your demands!" he huffs frustrated
"And what is it, do you think you do to me?"
"What do I do to you? I exclaimed " i do nothing to you"
We stared at each other, us both breathing heavily. He got closer to me, making my heart start to race.
"You anger me" he murmured
"Well, you anger me too" I whispered nodding my head. His eyes roamed all over my face.
"I am a gentleman" he got even closer to me, I could feel my heart getting ready to burst out of my chest.
"And your heart" I whisper staring into his eyes "is with my sister"
"And my heart" he looks down at my lips "Is with you... With your sister"
His nose brushed mine "What are you doing?" I question quietly
"Say you do not feel anything for me" he whispered into my ear, giving me goosebumps "tell me you feel nothing and I will walk away" I closed my eyes letting out a deep breath
"I feel.." I start to say "I feel.." he leaned in, his lips brushing over mine.
The door opened making us jump apart quickly, as if our bodies suddenly caught fire.
"Oh" Daphne said shocked "I am so sorry" She apologized and left quickly.
"Daphne" Anthony said and hurried after her, looking at me one last time and closing the door after him.
I breathed out, blinking my eyes rapidly as tears started to brim my eyes. I closed my eyes after, rubbing my head angrily. A tear escaping my closed eyes.
It will really be better that I leave.
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
Dearest gentle reader, while much occurred at the Bridgerton country visit.
This author feels not all is fit to print, especially when so much is already known by far too many members, but if you thought that we would reach the end of this journey without this trusted author finding a truly delectable marcel of gossip, then you are solely mistaken.
While Prudence Featherington secured her match, it was not the only appearance of note.
The next morning, we walked down the stairs after bidding everyone a goodbye, giving a hug especially to the Bridgerton family, Daphne stared at me knowingly when I hugged her. We were leaving today for Mayfair.
"I am sorry things did not go as planned Bon" I tell Edwina who walked along sadly, Kate on the other side of her.
"It is not your fault didi" She tells me We both did everything we could have done, the Viscount's feelings are clearly not there for me I looked down at the floor
"Perhaps they are elsewhere" She said as we approached the carriage, I looked at her, debating on whether to tell her the truth, Kate nodded at me comfortingly from beside her.
"Edwina" I start "There is something I must tell you-"
"Wait!" We turned to the our left side, Anthony approaching us rapidly.
"Anthony" I murmured
"I need to speak to you" I look at him confused "Miss Edwina" he added once he saw I was looking at him
"My lord?" Edwina questioned, when he got closer to her, he knelt down on one knee, my heart started to race quickly.
"Miss Edwina Sharma," he opened up a ring box, tears started to brim my eyes "Will you marry me?"
I tried to hide the pain I felt from my face, but based on the concerned look Kate gave me, I was not successful.
"Yes, yes" Edwina exclaimed happily, handing me her gloves "yes, I shall be your Viscountess, I shall marry you" Anthony smiled and put the ring on her finger, his eyes meeting my own over Edwina's shoulders once he looked up, his smile faded a bit before he looked back down at my sister again.
Anthony Bridgerton is now betrothed to Miss Edwina Sharma.
Victory indeed.
A tear dropped from my eye, I wiped it away quickly, making sure nobody saw me. But everybody was focused on the now betrothed couple, happiness displayed on their faces.
But I, I could feel my heart breaking inside.