January 1st, 2021
I ignored the knocks on the door, continuing to sob into my hands. "Jeongmi open the door please." It was Jay's comforting voice. I, again, ignored him.
The knocks grew more frantic and agitated. "Open the door, I'm worried about what your doing." He called through. My cries grew quiet, I longingly stared at the door.
I wanted to open it but I couldnt. My body wouldnt allow me to. I was frozen by the island. I sunk to the floor and leaned against the cold wood of the island.
I shivered but I didnt care. My phone yet again is buzzing with text messages but I knew that if I looked at them I would end up opening the door. I was drunk, covered in tears, confused, angry, depressed, and helplessly lost in myself.
I could never let anyone see me like this. Not again. I need to protect myself more than ever and I need to keep my guard strong. My shame only made me cry more but audibly.
I had thought Jay walked away by now but no. He began to knock again. "I can hear you Jeongmi please just open the door." He sounded like he was about to cry. I heard a second voice say something before my code started to get typed in.
It was Heeseung since he was the only one that knew the code to my door. I immediately began to scramble to the bathroom but I was too slow. Just before I reached it, Heeseung, Jay, and Sunoo came busting in my room.
Heeseung grabbed me immediately and stopped me from getting to the bathroom. I didnt want him around me and I couldnt stand his presence.
I shoved him off of me, avoiding eye contact, and slipped into the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me and locked it. They were quick to start banging on the door.
I began to panic, my eyes widening as it...reminded me of things. Things I didnt need to be reminded of right now. In my panicked state I fell back and landed on my bum.
"Jeongmi open the damn door! This is ridiculous!" Heeseung snapped from outside the door. "Heeseung stop it! Shes obviously scared and not in a good mood!" Sunoo scolded angrily.
I only kept crying, covering my ears and begging for it to all stop. I huddled my body close to myself. I gripped my hair tightly, feeling my muscles tense in fear as adrenaline coursed through me.
My hand moved to my thighs as I kept the same tight grip, my nails digging into my skin. I heard rustling outside and in the door handle. I was too scared to look.
My body was now trembling and trying to process what's happening. I'm having a panic attack, my chest is heavy and I feel insanely overwhelmed by everything going on. I'm so scared and I just want to leave.
If only Haena was here, shes the only person that's ever seen me like this. Even she would try to help and calm me down. They are only making it worse. All of a sudden the door flew open. They somehow unlocked it with a spoon.
Heeseung was first through the door with the other two right behind him. I flew back and hit the tub as I was most scared of Heeseung. I was preparing for him to hit me.
Just by the way he sounded earlier and grabbed me I just know hes going to hit me. Instead, he grabbed my arm firmly but not aggressively and pulled me towards him.
I tried to resist but he wouldnt let me slip away. "Shhh Jeongmi please calm down." Jay was trying to get me to calm down as well as Sunoo. Heeseung was staring and looking concerned.
Jay wrapped me in his arms as if shielding me from any negativity. I somehow muttered words underneath the pool of tears I created. "I'm scared." I said. I'm not sure how or why I said anything but I was too terrified to control myself and what I said.
I heard a small gasp from Sunoo but he was quick to become quiet again. "I know. Theres nothing to be scared of ok?" Jay reassured, stroking my hair. Sunoo was rubbing my back.
Heeseung was just standing there, unsure of what to do. After a while I began to calm down, my sobs only light tears now. Jay pulled away only a little bit. He grabbed some tissue and wiped my stained face.
"You ok now?" He asked, his eyes slightly glossy. I shrugged. I wasnt. I was never going to be. Thinking that also made me begin to sob again, tears falling faster.
"No no Jeongmi you will be fine, ok? I promise." Jay spoke quietly, gently holding my face in his hands. I nodded, holding back the tears that still wanted to escape like the others had.
I hadnt noticed but I was gripping onto Jay's shirt really tight. Once I had realized I let go and put my hands at my sides, holding onto the bottom of the shirt I was wearing.
Which I also then remembered it was Heeseung's shirt. I felt like shit wearing it now and I just wanted to take it off. I tried to walk out the bathroom but Sunoo blocked me and Heeseung grabbed my arm quickly.
I jerked away from him and gently moved Sunoo out the way. "Jeongmi dont run away." Jay begged. I looked back at him with a small 'you serious?' look before turning to go to the dresser.
All three followed me like ducklings. Just before I reached the dresser, I spun around and motioned for them to shoo. "I'll turn around but I dont trust you to be alone right now." Jay insisted. I sighed and turned back around, grabbing a new shirt.
I couldnt blame him. I dont trust myself to be alone but I still wanted the silence to surround me so I can find peace in it like always. I glanced behind me to see them all turned around. I quickly changed shirts.
I tapped them all and they turned around. I shoved Heeseung's shirt back in his hands. He looked down at it with a small frown but he couldnt be mad.
I spun back around and climbed up to the soft comfort of my bed. I flopped down and snuggled into the sheets. Maybe now I could get some peace and quiet. "I'll stay here with her. You guys should go rest. Also dont tell the other members this, they dont need to know."
Jay spoke quietly to Sunoo and Heeseung. No more words were said before silence. I heard some small rustling and then again silence. I glanced down at the couch to see Jay laying on it with his eyes closed.
I frowned and got comfortable once again. I'm going to hate 2021.
January 12th, 2021
Life is living hell. Theres always either Sunoo or Jay over at my dorm and watching me. They seriously dont trust me alone. Well they dont watch me 24/7 but one of them comes and visits for about an hour to check up on me.
Dance practice has been more awkward than ever. Heeseung tries to not to talk to me much but his corrections are inescapable. Though he apperantly does know how to listen because he has stayed away from me.
I dont know why I ever said for him to stay away from me. Even after all that, I'm still attached and I still want to feel his touch. Weirdly enough, I want to share a kiss with him again. I feel so bad for making him, Jay and Sunoo concerned.
Yet I dont know how to put my thoughts into words. Anyway, I was sitting at the island alone, zoning out heavily. I shook myself out of it and opened my phone. If I'm honest I havent looked at my phone since that night.
I opened my messages to see Haena had responded. I got excited and nearly squealed and then I opened it. My smile was quickly to leave my face.
Haena
I appreciate you trying to reach out Jeongmi but you dont want me in your life and I've decided I dont want you in mine. I've got Dabin as a little sister now. I dont know or care if you've changed your mind and decided you want me to be apart of your life again. As I've said, your dead to me now so I hope you choose to change your mind again. XOXO
Shes decided she wants Dabin as her little sister now...oh. Just what I wanted to hear after what happened over a week ago. The one person I'm willing to let back into my life now and this is what I hear.
Alright. I shut off my phone and my brain begins to hurt. I slowly get up and begin to walk to the bathroom. I open the cabinet and began to search for something.
(I already put a TW in the desc for this story but I want to go ahead and put one here to, skip until you see the next bold text if you wish)
I took out a razor blade and stared at it for a while. Theres something telling me to do it. Everything felt hazy and unreal. Do it. Do it. It wont hurt. Do it. Do it. I did it.
I dont know why did it. Blood trickled from the wound and began to drip into the sink. More. Do more. It wont hurt. More. I did a few more.
It stung but not horribly. I abruptly got scared at the amount of blood dripping so I turned the sink on and began to watch the red liquid wash off my arm. It stung even more.
I winced and sucked air in through clenched teeth. I held my forearm under the water until it stopped bleeding. I washed the razor blade and put it back in the cabinet.
I turned off the sink and ran to my dresser. I found a long sleeved shirt and changed into it, covering what I had done to myself. What have I done?
(Its all done, sorry :( )
Why did I do this to myself? My world began to collapse. I always told myself I would never do this myself. I've failed Little Jeongmi. I've turned against her and now unknowingly helped the monster.
I held back tears. Then someone knocked on my door. Ugh, again, horrible timing! I made sure my sleeve was down well and then I opened the door. It was Jungwon.
"Hey um I've noticed you've been really down so I brought you a snack and a drink." He said, his gifts in his hands. I smiled softly and allowed him in.
"I asked Jay to make sure you would like it so please enjoy and take a rest, ok?" Jungwon smiled bright, his dimples warming my heart. I bowed a few times and then when he opened the door and was about to step out, he got startled.
"Heeseung you scared me!" Jungwon exclaimed. My heart nearly ceased hearing his name. Heeseung then entered the room. "Sorry but I need to talk to Jeongmi." Heeseung explained. Jungwon nodded awkwardly and left.
The door closed behind him and suddenly the silence was loud. I watched him and he watched me. Then he stepped up to me, eyes never leaving mine.
"I really didnt mean to scare you...I just dont know why I was like that. I know it's going to be hard for you to forgive me and rightfully so. Also, you're right. I am an asshole. I should have just asked you what was wrong and I should have been true to myself." Heeseung apologized.
Then he went on. "Ever since I've seen you, I dont think I've been my true self. I could always tell that there was something that happened to you that made you who you are and I for some reason was mad about it. I was being inconsiderate. I think that's why I try to be so cold, because I dont understand you and it scares me. Turns out I'm only making it worse huh?" He tried to end on a lighter note.
Well that explains the asshole version of him. I suppose I get it but I also dont. I'm so confused.
(Hello again. Regarding to what happened earlier in this chapter, for those that do or did SH: I'm proud of you. You are so strong for holding on with your struggles and I really hope that someday you can outgrow your struggles. Scars arent something to be shamed about, your gorgeous/handsome. Never doubt that. You have always been important to someone <3)