Chapter 55
Hope's POV
February 14, 2015
Saturday
Happy Hearts Day.
Nandito ako ngayon sa St. Luke's. Naghihintay. Nakaupo sa labas ng emergency room. Inatake daw si Enzo. Inatake ng ano? Anong nangyari sa kanya? Asthma? Pagod? Trangkaso?
Si Mico, Venice, Bryle pinuntahan agad ang parents ni Enzo. Ang sabi nila nasa ibang bansa daw kaya kailangan pa nilang ayusin yung paguwi ng parents ni Enzo.
Si Chelsea at Miks naman nagpaiwan sa school, kinuha mga gamit namin at pinakalma yung ibang estudyante.
Ako sumunod sa hospital pero nagpaiwan ako kasi nanghihina ako. Parang hindi ako makagalaw. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi ko macontact si Ate at Lola na nasa hospital. Hindi ko alam kung bakit! Kinakabahan ako na hindi ko alam. Para bang pag lumabas ang doctor ni Enzo parang madedepress ako, pero bakit naman?!
After 10 minutes, dumating si Chelsea at Miks.
"Hope, ano? Kamusta? Nasaan na si Enzo?" Tanong ni Chelsea. Umiling na lang ako. "Wala pa eh. Nasa loob pa rin siya mula noong pinasok siya nina Venice."
Niyakap na lang ako ng dalawa.
"Oo nga pala, kanina bago kami umalis ng gym, pinaabot 'to sa akin noong isang babae." Tapos inabot sa akin ni Miks yung white envelope. May 'Hope Yazon' sa may labas. Ito yung sulat ni Eula tungkol sa akin.
"Paano mo nakuha 'to?!" Gulat kong tanong kay Miks.
"Ewan ko, nakita lang daw noong babae noong Valentine's Ball. Naiwan mo siguro." Tapos chineck ko kung bukas, hindi naman. Buti na lang hindi niya binasa. Hindi ko pa nga nababasa eh.
"Ano yan?" Tanong ni Chelsea.
"Sulat daw ni Eula para sa akin sabi ni Enzo." Sagot ko kay Chelsea. Si Miks naman agad tiningnan si Chelsea, tapos si Chelsea parang nanlumo. Parang iiyak.
"Sulat ni Eula? Sulat ng pinsan ko?" Tapos nakita kong naluha na nga siya.
"Bakit? Alam mo ba 'to? Anong meron dito? Kinakabahan tuloy lalo ako. Ayoko na talagang basahin 'to. Sabi ni Enzo hindi din daw niya alam ang nakasulat." Nagtinginan lang sila.
"Basahin mo na, please. Para kay Eula. Sa tingin ko naman hindi ka susulatan ng pinsan ko matapos ang lahat ng mangyari ng walang dahilan." Sabi ni Chelsea.
Hindi ko alam, pero naluluha na siya. Kaya parang kailangan ko na talaga siyang basahin.
"Sige, babasahin ko na. Pero kinakabahan ako. At mas kakabahan ata ako kung nandito ako sa may labas ng emergency room. Pwede bang lumabas muna ako?" Tumango lang yung dalawa at sinabing sila na lang ang magbabantay doon, tatawagan na lang daw nila ako kung may sasabihin na ang doktor. Kaya naglakad na nga ako papalabas habang nakatitig sa sulat.
Hindi ko alam kung anong nakasulat dito pero parang ang bigat bigat. Sobra yung lakas ng pintig ng puso ko, kaya noong nakalabas ako at nasinagan ng araw nakahinga ako.
Naupo ako sa may labas, sa may bench malapit sa ilalim ng puno. Malakas ang ihip ng hangin, walang masyadong tao.
Huminga ako ng malalim at binuksan ang sulat.
Ito na.
[Now Playing: Not About Angels by Birdy]
Dearest Hope,
I don't know how I'll start this letter. There are so many things I want to say, but first let me apologize. I'm sorry. I know you hate me. Because of Enzo. If I were you, I will totally hate myself.
Hindi ako galit sa'yo Eula. Nasasaktan lang ako sa nangyari, pero hindi ako galit. Wala akong karapatang magalit na ikaw ang pinili at hindi ako.
But, while reading this letter, please have an open mind. Please do. I have a reason.
You see, I was dying.
Maybe while your reading this, I might be dead. So this is my final goodbye to you, Hope. I'm sorry I could not personally apologize.
Natigilan ako. Nanaas lahat ng balahibo ko. Halos binaba ko na yung sulat. Hindi ako makahinga. Kaya pala ganoon ang pakiramdam ko bago ko basahin ang sulat. Patay na si Eula? Kaya ba ganoon ang reaksyon ni Chelsea kanina? Hindi ko na kinaya, naiyak na ako. Eula, sorry. Rest in peace.
Let me tell you something, Enzo didn't leave you because he loves me. He did not. He loves YOU. Trust me, I know. And so, I'll explain everything in this letter. I'll explain everything because it feels like I owe you and Enzo the biggest and most sincere apology. It was because of me that both of you broke up, and I feel like it's also up to me to bring you two back together. And I know I don't control any of your feelings, but... I will try.
Because he needs you. The way I needed him.
You see, Enzo and I are childhood friends. When we were kids, we met at the hospital where I was diagnosed with my disease. I have ARVD. Arrythmogenic Right Ventricular Dysplasia. It would be too weird if I explained it to you here, but the disease is about my heart.
Apparently, I had a weak heart.
Enzo too, you know.
Ah talaga? Mahina ang puso niya? Kaya ako na lang ang masasaktan ganun? Ako na lang ang magiging malakas sa ginawa niya sa akin?
Anyway, long story short, my disease was getting worse and the hospitals here in the Philippines cannot offer the medication my heart needs, so we had to transfer to the United States for my medication. I left Enzo. They say that we were ex lovers? Maybe, maybe not. We were too young back then, I don't know if that was 'love' per se, but he was my partner. We shared almost everything; he knows everything about me the same way I do to him.
But I left him.
After so many years, he has always been on my mind. I want to apologize. I want to explain everything... You know, before I die. I explained everything to my parents. I told them that I want to go back to the Philippines and spend my last days there. I said I was ready. I accepted that this disease doesn't have a cure. Yes, it was incurable. I only took medicines to slow it down. But I knew I was dying, I knew. I accepted that.
I'm just worried he couldn't.
I don't know if I have the right to say this to you, but what the heck! I'm probably dead and Enzo could not do anything about this now, so I will tell you...
I will tell you why.
Enzo and I met at the same hospital... because he was also diagnosed with the same disease.
Yes. He, too, has ARVD.
Napatigil ako sa pagbabasa. Literal ata na tumigil ang paghinga ko. Tumigil ang mga tao sa paligid ko at ang tanging naririnig ko na lang ay ang puso ko. Tuloy tuloy lang ang pagpatak ng luha sa mga mata ko. Anong ibig niyang sabihing si Enzo din? Kaya ba sabi niya kanina mahina din ang puso ni Enzo? May sakit din si Enzo? Anong-Hindi na siya gagaling? Anong-Bakit ganito?! Totoo ba 'to?
At kung totoo 'to... Bakit si Enzo pa?
I went back. He was mad. I knew he was gonna be mad, I was expecting it. But you, the kind hearted you, brought us back together. We talked. He asked me how I was, and I said I was dying. He was shocked, of course. But we can't do anything about it now, can't we? Yes, it was sad. But as I've said, I've already accepted my faith. Besides, sooner or later all of us will have to go, it's just a matter of time.
The thing is, Enzo cannot accept his condition. That's why he was lonely. So lonely. He acts weird, he only hangs out with Bryle, Mico and Venice because he doesn't want to associate himself with other people and be attached to them. That just meant that he has to say goodbye to lots of people, and literally, our hearts cannot afford that.
I told him everything that I've been through. How I got mad at the world for not having this sickness, how I got mad at God for giving me this condition. But I told him that it just wasted my time. Why should I blame the other people for this? What can they do about it? Nothing! Why should I deny myself the good things in life? I took my disease as an advantage. Hey, I knew that I was dying, so I have to enjoy life as much as I can. YOLO. Haha! Yes, I will only live once.
But Enzo on the other hand, well, he was the opposite. He was too scared. He can't accept it. He doesn't want to enjoy life because he thinks that he will just die, he will be gone and that's it.
But that's not it...
I told him that he has still time to leave great memories with beautiful people. He still has time to instill in their minds that there was once an Enzo Gutierrez who lived in this world, who made people smile, who inspired a lot, and who, in his own little way, changed the world. I know it's a big thing to say, but leaving beautiful memories can change someone's world. Right? He totally changed yours when you met him, right?
Oo naman. Sobrang nagiba ang mundo. Sa totoo nga lang, siya ang naging mundo ko.
As I was saying, he was a very lonely guy.
Until he met you.
Yes, Hope... you gave him 'hope'. You were his 'hope'.
Kaya ba... Kaya ba palagi niyang sinasabi na maganda ang pangalan ko? Kasi... binigyan ko siya ng 'Hope'?
Oh my god, Enzo... ngayon everything makes sense. Bakit ngayon lang? Bakit hindi mo sinabi? Bakit?
When we were together all he did was talk about you and how you slowly changed his world. He said that before he met you he was just waiting for his time to die, for his heart to finally give up. But when he met you? He wanted to fight. He wanted to live a little bit longer just so he can be with you. And the more he loved you, the more it hurts; the more it was hard for him to accept that he has ARVD.
He said that being with you is the most enjoyable and at the same time most painful experience. He loves being with you, but he also hates it because he wants more. He wants more of you and he was too afraid that he can't ask things like that because he knew that he can't have it. He can't have you. Not for a long time.
He wants to be with you so much longer that he got scared. Scared that he doesn't have enough time. He was scared that if you found out you might leave him, but he was more scared that you don't. But mostly, he was so scared about what you'll feel and do once he dies. He loves you so much that he was willing to give up that love so that you cannot be hurt. He knew that he was a grenade. He doesn't want to keep people in his life because he's gonna leave that life... and what will happen to those people that he so loved dearly? They will suffer.
YOU will suffer.
Pero hindi ko naman siya iiwan. Hinding hindi ko siya iiwan. Kahit mawala siya... Kahit iwan niya ako.
That's why he asked for my help. He told me to make it look like we've rekindled our love and that he chooses me over you. Again, so that you won't be hurt. He told me that it's better for you to think that he was a jerk rather than he let you love him and in the end, he'll just leave you hanging because of his condition. I told him that I cannot do that because... well, first it will increase his 'attacks' because if he got depressed, his heart will have to suffer the consequences. And you know that our hearts are big jerks.
What made me change my mind was when he said that because of you, he now accepts everything. He accepts that he has ARVD and somehow he can't do anything about it but take the medications and pray that it will slow the sh*t down. He told me that everything changed because of you. He wasn't that lonely anymore, he stopped hiding, he wanted to take the world with you... but he can't. He can't because he'll leave you.
And yes, Hope... we know that we are dying but we don't know when. We can feel it though. We can feel if our heart is too weak. We can't handle too much emotions. Our hearts can't handle that. It will only make things worse. We can't be too happy nor too sad. That's the sad truth. And Enzo doesn't want you to experience the pain of loving someone who can't share 'forever' with you... because we don't have that so called 'forever'. We have a limited time. Every day is our last day.
But... Hope, please believe me that Enzo loved you and still loves you so much. From what I've said, I think I have explained his love, and that's just from my point of view. I cannot comprehend how much he really loves you. Maybe it's beyond this, maybe it's bigger than this. Only he knows, and only he can tell.
So...
As long as has still time, as long as he is breathing, as long as his heart is still beating... please love him. Please. Please make the sacrifice. Now that you know that he might die soon, can you please accept his condition? Can you still love him? Is your love for him bigger than this?
I know that when he dies(and this is what Enzo is too afraid to think about), you will totally be devastated. But can you at least prepare yourself for what may come? Can you prepare yourself now, and slowly accept the fact that he can't be yours forever? I know that is too much, but didn't you tell me before that you love Enzo so much you're willing to give everything up?
Enzo needs you. Please make beautiful memories with him. Please tell him that he is loved. Please show him how good it is to live. Please erase all the fears in his mind. Please fight with him. We weren't given the perfect life, but can you please show him that even with his condition, he can still be happy? Please, Hope. Please?
This is my last wish. For the both of you to be happy because you deserve it. Again, I'm sorry for hurting you. I had a good reason, and this was it. We did that to prevent you from being hurt. I know this is a lot to take, but hey all our lives we have to suffer. So please bear with us.
If by now you still didn't know about Enzo's sickness, that's because he is still trying to be the 'hero', to be the selfless man who doesn't want the love of his life to get hurt. He loves you that much he is willing to sacrifice his happiness just so you could not get hurt, just so you won't cry.
If by this time you have completely moved on, then just tell him that you appreciate his love and everything he has done for you. That will surely affect him positively.
But if you still love him so much then please, please, please. Make beautiful memories with Enzo. Please make him happy. Be with him. If you love him, fight with him. This is not easy. Living with this kind of heart is not easy, and we need someone. We need someone who will hold us, be there for us, accept us, and tell us that tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that... no matter what happens I will still be here for you and I will love you.
Tell him that, Hope. Love him. He deserves it. He needs it. He needs you.
Thank you, Hope.
And see you on the other side. I hope we can be friends there.
Good bye.
Love,
Eula.
Noong matapos kong basahin ang sulat, namumugto na ang mata ko, napagod na din ata akong umiyak. Nasasaktan ako na wala na si Eula, at may sakit si Enzo... may sakit ang pinakamamahal kong si Enzo.
Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko. Ang saya ko. Ang sayang malaman na ganoon pala ako minahal ni Enzo. Sobrang minahal ako ni Enzo.
At oo, Eula mahal ko pa rin siya, at oo kaya kong pagbigyan lahat ng sinabi mo. Hindi ko hahayaang malungkot si Enzo, hindi ko hahayaang magisa siya. Kahit na masaktan ako sa huli, kahit na gumuho ang mundo ko kapag nawala na siya kakayanin ko... Basta ngayon, mamahalin ko lang siya. Gagawa lang kami ng magandang alaala. Kaya ko yun. Basta kasama ko siya.
Maya maya pa tumunog na yung cellphone ko. Si Chelsea. Sinagot ko.
"Hello? Hope? Nasaan ka? Magkakasama na kami nina Bryle, Venice, Miks at Mico. Nandito na yung doctor, pumunta ka na dito please. Please."
Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
Ano kayang sasabihin ng doctor? Nasaan si Enzo?! Oh my god.
Lord, sana hindi pa nagigive up yung puso ni Enzo please. Sana hindi pa.