-Connor-
I can't take this anymore. I began run down the path with tears in my eyes. The anxiety issues are setting in. I could feel my skin began to itch. While running, I began to scratch at my arms through my long sleeved shirt. I'm all alone. My parents just abandoned me. I can already tell the people are nasty here. No one can help me.I just need to get to the cabin. Get my journal. Get my reliever. Get-ow! Shit! The itches began to be needle-like, puncturing into my skin. It felt like someone was sticking a hot needle into my veins and injecting a poison that spread to the rest of my body. I began to ran faster and faster towards the cabin.
It was in sight. We're almost there. Hold out. I began to whimper and cry at the pain crawling through my arms and now my thighs. I ran as fast as my legs would carry my small frame. I turned into the steps that led to the screen door. I stumbled up the two steps and pushed the screen door open.
I began to move away from the door, but I froze at the sight of a presence out of the corner of my eye. There was a person in the bed off to the right. The person raised his head. It was a guy. My heart jumped at the sight of him. His brown hair was strewn to the left, leaving a small quiff. His big, piercing blue eyes stared into mine. My heart began racing at a faster rate, as did my pain. I tried to hide the pain in my arms. Who is he?
"Hi." I said, trying to break the awkward, but strong tension. I practically felt his eyes on me. My arms began to itch even more. I decided to move towards my suitcase.
"Hey." I heard him say, but I was still crowded by my pain. I unzipped the suitcase and looked through my clothes, in a rush to get away from the beautiful guy next to-wait...beautiful? Guy? A guy? Do I have feelings for a guy?
Oh god, oh god, oh god. I didn't need to be reminded of my struggles that-OW! Fuck! The pain spread even more because of the reminder of my biggest fear. Being a homosexual. It's always been in my mind. Always. But, I never truly thought about it until last year. That's when everything feel down on me.
"So, you must be Connor." I heard the guy say. My heart jumped again. He knows my name? That means he must've been over here. In my space. Oh dear god. The pain, if not already got stronger. I began to itch it furiously. "Yeah, that's me." I said softly, realizing I hadn't given him an answer yet. I checked every pocket in my suitcase. Please tell me I didn't lose it. I needed it. My journal can't help me now. I need this. I sifted through my clothes faster now. Throwing clothes onto my bed, trying to find it.
"My name is Troy." I heard the guy say. Troy. What a cute nam-Oh my god, I found it. I grabbed the object, tears streaming down my face. But, I brushed them quickly away.
"Where's the bathroom?" I said quickly.
Troy looked surprised when I asked. His eyes darted down to my hand where I was holding it. He stuttered when he talked. "Umm, just tale a left out of the cabin and follow the path."
"Thanks." I said in response. I then darted out of the cabin. I ran down the steps and took a left down the sidewalk path. I darted past Cabin B, C, D, and E in what seemed like seconds. I saw a run down shack, which I only assumed was the shower house. I pulled the shower house door open. I was immediately greeted by urinals directly to the right and stalls farther down. On the left was an opening walkway which led to the showers. The shower house was empty. With pain still coursing through my body, I ran down to the farthest stall, pushed the door open, and locked it behind me.
*Trigger Warning*
I moved over to the toilet and flipped up the toilet seat. I grabbed the object out my pocket. It was the one thing that could only relieve me.
My razor.
It was a new razor. Not used yet. Fresh and untouched my human skin and flesh. It was an innocent piece of metal that hadn't been exposed to the feelings and emotions of a person.
I twiddled it in my finger as I bent over the bowl. I stuck out my left arm and lowered the razor over. The closer the razor got, the more my skin itched and hurt. I couldn't take it anymore.
One
That's for being an anxious fuck after your parents left
Two
That's for being a depressed piece of shit
Three
That's for existing
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
That's for noticing Troy
With each stroke of the metal, I winced in pain. After the flurry of cuts, I looked down at my arm. I made light, red, horizontal lines that began to form little beads of blood.
I stood up and slowly opening the stall door. I peaked and looked out to see if anyone was in the bathroom. No one was. Thank God. That means no one heard my whimpers. I quickly moved out of the stall and over to the sink where i was my forearm, razor and hands that were all covered in blood. When I ran my arm under the cold water, it stung more than it did before. I jumped in pain, letting a few tears trickle down my face. I went over to the towel dispenser and dried my razor and hands. I lightly dabbed my forearm to dry it. It stung like a bitch, but it helped me forget my flaws and thoughts. It helped me escape the cruel, dark world that is Earth. It made me forget my true fear: being a homosexual. It was the most unknown, foreign concept that scared the living daylights out of me. I'm already nervous and self-conscious. I really don't need to be thrown a curveball right now.
I guess that breaks my clean streak. I walked out of the shower house and ran down the path to go back to the cabin. I sprinted past cabins where I heard people screaming and hollering about God knows what. I finally made it back to the cabin, traveling up the two steps, and pushed the screen door open.
I froze.
My heart dropped.
I was locked into place.
That guy was reading my journal.
He was crouched on the ground reading it.
"What are you doing?" I asked with assertiveness, but with a cracking voice. I wanted to move forward, but it felt like my legs were locked to the ground.
The guy looked up quickly with surprise. "Oh-um I-it fell off your bed and-"
"So you read it?" I asked with tears coming up in my eyes. Oh God. How much did he read? How much was he gonna hate me now?
"No! I mean...I guess I did. I'm sorry. I was curious and-" My legs didn't feel locked anymore. My fists were balled into small, white fists. I tears pouring out with so many emotions at once. I quickly moved forward and snatched my journal out of his hands. I looked up at him and he had a frightened expression on his face.
"Stay away from me." Was all I could muster. I wiped a few tears away as I turned on my heels towards the door.
"Wait!" I heard the guy spoke. I stopped in my tracks, debating if I want to turn around. Giving into my curiosity, I turned around and looked at him.
He looked at me with a saddened face. He took a breathy inhale in and out. Then, his left hand rolled up his right arm sleeve. After rolling it up, he held his arm out.
He looked back at me. "You aren't the only one." He spoke through a cautious breath. I moved forward to look at his arm.
Nothing was on his arm, until I noticed something just below the crease in his elbow. There was a distinct, discolored, horizontal line that stretched the length of his crease.
I looked back up to see him looking back into my eyes. "...Why?" I questioned. How could such a...perfect hu-no...a stable-looking human have issues?
"Back in March, I had a few things about me that I didn't like. So, in turn...I punished myself for it. However I don't do it anymore, this is from one specific time that I went too deep." He explained painfully. he looked away towards the floor. His breath began to get uneasy. I didn't know what to do.
"Oh..." was all I could really say. I was very shocked and confused. I stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. I then collected my thoughts and sat down on my bed. Troy moved to his bed in silence. I looked over to him. He was in a sullen state. His frame was shrunk as he sat. His hands were in his lap with his head looking down towards the ground.
"I'm sorry." I said after some time had passed.
"It's not your fault." I heard him muster.
"It just felt like it was needed." He didn't respond after that. I heard him move into a vertical position on his bed, laying down. I felt really bad. I felt like I put him in that state. I followed suit with Troy and played down on my bed, not knowing what to do. I feel really awkward about the whole situation, but I didn't want to walk out on him.
"I said it before, but I'm Troye." I heard Troy say.
"Like Bolton?" I said humorously, trying to break the tension.
I heard a slight chuckle from him. "Yeah, but with an e at the end."
"Wait, what?"
"Troye with an e." He repeated.
"Wait, so your name is spelled T-R-O-Y-E?"
"I'm glad you can spell." I heard him say. I can practically hear his smile.
"Shut up." I said with a smile on my face.
I heard footsteps outside of the cabin. The screen door opened. Walked in a muscular guy, somewhat my height, and dirty blonde hair of to the left.
"Oh, hey Joe." Troye said casually.
"Hey Troye." He said back. He looked over at me. "Oh, hi there, mate!" he said with enthusiasm. He moved towards me with a hand out. "I'm Joe! You must be Connor!"
"Yep, that's me." I said, unenthusiastically. He had a firm grip. Then I remembered something. "Wait, you're Joe?"
"Yep! That's me!"
"Some girl was talking about you with a guy. They were talking about apologizing about something from last year."
His face immediately moved from happiness and cheeriness to a blank expression.
"What did these 'people' look like?" He said with seriousness in his voice. "Did the guy have a raspy, British accent? Did the girl have bold, red lips? Did she have brown hair?" He asked the questions so rapidly, I was beginning to feel overwhelmed.
"Umm, I have not idea. I just remember hearing a conversation with your name in it. That's it." I said, kind of scared.
"Come on, mate. I need details." He said, kind of threatening. I got a scared. I shrunk into my bed.
"Joe." I heard Troye's voice. "Lay off him." I looked up to see Troye's face with a very serious look. Joe looked at him, then back at me. He sighed out a long sigh.
"I'm sorry mate. I didn't mean to pressure you like that." He said softly and apologetically. I just nodded in response. Joe sank into his bed as he picked up a book.
I look over at Troye who turned to look at me. I gave him a nod of thanks.
He then winked back at me.
_________________________________
A/N:
Hey guys.
...update.
Sorry. This one took a little while. This one was rough to write. Really difficult to get through the trigger part. Just tough.
Sorry about any spelling or grammar mistakes.
ENOUGH SADNESS!
Q: What is your favorite collab video on YouTube?
Btw, the picture is the best representation I had in mind for Connor's journal.
I JUST GOT A WORK IN PROGRESS AND I CRIED BECAUSE I FINISHED IT. OMG IT WAS SO LOVELY AND BEAUTIFUL AND CRAFT.
I think that's all I have so...
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-Dylan ❤️