(Sorry for the delay I've been busy)
December 31st, 2020
"I didnt mean to make you uncomfortable. Continue eating." Heeseung apologized, sliding my food back infront of me. I would love to continue eating if I wasn't SICK now. I picked it up and just threw it away.
"Jeongmi seriously?" Heeseung asked, looking frustrated. I ignored him and grabbed my phone, about to walk away but Heeseung grabbed my arm and pulled me to him.
Now we were close, faces inches away from one another. Heeseung's eyes sparkled like the ocean under sunlight. "Dont you think you let others effect you too much?" Heeseung asked, inching his face closer.
I broke eye contact and snatched away from him, walking over to the couch in a heartbeat. I do let others effect me too much. It's a rough trait of mine I suppose and it's how I've always been.
Everything was falling into a loop that I couldnt control. It was making me feel worse than I already do. This made my thirst for an escape stronger. Every bit of my body was screaming for alchohol.
It was making goosebumps climb across my skin. I wanted to be ok so bad, but I couldnt do it alone. I couldn't do it without substances. I wanted help but in the worse way possible.
A way that would of course ruin everything I've tried to build for myself. I'll fall back to where I came from. A dark and evil house that lured over me no matter how many steps I took away from it.
Yet of course its entirely not fault right, Heeseung? Yes I understand that I havent told him the whole story but why should someone go ahead and blame someone entirely for something that was out of their control?
Odd. Heeseung walked over to me and leaned over my body. "What's wrong?" He asked, seeing the distress in my expression. I shook my head, holding back tears as I felt my own depression ripping at my skin and bones.
He frowned, something in his eyes changed as if he could see through me. It scared me. I looked about but he was quick to redirect my vision back to him. He gently moved me aside and sat where I was.
Unexpectedly, he grabbed my waist and legs then sat me on his lap. I was frozen as if the Ice Age was making a comeback. "Relax Jeongmi. Just tell me what's wrong. I can tell theres something going on with you." He reassured, rubbing my back.
His hand gently moving along my back respectfully made me less tense but I was of course still on guard. I nudged his chest and pointed at my throat to remind him I dont talk.
"Oh...I forgot." Heeseung awkwardly laughed. I smiled softly to hint that it was fine. "Then just relax for a while and let your stress go ok? For this moment, be you." Heeseung sounded poetic.
It warmed my heart. I was quick to wrap my arms around his neck and rest my figure against his. He snaked his arms around my waist and hugged onto me. I breathed in his delightful scent of the cologne he used so often.
Soon all my muscles relaxed and I was like a ragdoll laying on Heeseung. My eyelids shut smoothly as I felt myself drifting in and out of sleep.
Time skip
I woke up to someone gently shaking me. I lifted my head up quickly. I was still on Heeseung. He looked like he had also just woken up. "Its almost midnight Jeongmi." He whispered in a raspy voice.
I grabbed my phone and checked the time to be sure. It was 11:45pm. Jay had texted me saying me and Heeseung should hurry over to their dorm so everyone could celebrate together.
That text was sent about twenty minutes ago. I got flustered and stood up, running to my dresser and quickly tried to find an outfit. "You can stay in pajamas if you wish." Heeseung said, now also standing up.
I was honestly too tired to change so I just nodded and grabbed a jacket, slipping it over my arms. I walked over to the door, looking back at Heeseung who began to follow.
I swung my door open and let Heeseung go first since I didnt know the password to their dorm. We were in within seconds. Jay, Jake, and Jungwon were in the kitchen.
Everyone else I suppose were in the living room. Jay smiled brightly seeing we finally arrived. "What took you two so long?" Jake was first to speak, a mischievous smirk on his face.
I knew what he was thinking. I shivered in embarrassment. "Yah it wasnt like that. We were both asleep." Heeseung quickly defended the both of us. Jake only hummed and began to walk away to the living room.
"Anyway, either of you want some grape juice or sparkling cider?" Jay asked, the said drinks already sitting on the counter. Me and Heeseung, in sync, walked up to the counter.
I pointed to the grape juice and Heeseung pointed at the sparkling cider. I heard Jungwon let out a small chuckle. Jay also giggled and poured us our drinks while Sunoo and Sunghoon began to approach.
"Finally. After the year changes we should stay up all night playing games, what do you say?" Sunghoon asked, approaching Heeseung and holding eye contact with him.
He didnt even spare me a glance but what could I expect? Sunoo came walking up to me and slightly pulled me aside while Sunghoon took my spot, driving a wedge between me and Heeseung.
I grew uncomfortable real quick. I was about to slide my drink forward but Sunghoon accidentally hit it with his elbow, making it spill all over the counter and some on me.
Sunghoon got shocked and backed away quickly while Sunoo yelped and also backed away. Jungwon was asking 'what' over and over while Jay was frozen.
I stood still for a minute, just blankly staring at the liquid spreading on the counter and onto the floor. "Sunghoon watch where you swing your elbows!" Sunoo exclaimed, quickly grabbing napkins.
Jay helped in grabbing napkins as they both began to clean it up. I tried to help but they wouldnt let me. "It's not my fault!" Sunghoon whined, kind of pouting. "It was nobody's fault." Jungwon was quick to correct us.
Heeseung pulled me away from the counter and looked down at my now stained shirt. "I'm going to give her a shirt real fast." Heeseung said, then basically dragging me to their room.
I attempted to pull away but it obviously was no use. My dorm is across the hall so I dont get why he'd wasted a shirt like that. To get to their room we had to somewhat enter the living room so everyone else that was in there were just staring.
Heeseung closed the door behind us and let go of my arm, then began to rummage through their closet. Their room was quite messy but honestly it's not the worst I've seen.
He pulled out a black shirt with some cool graphic on it and handed it to me. "Change quickly." He ordered and turned his back to me. With that I changed into the new shirt and just held the other. I tapped Heeseung so he could turn back around.
A grin lit upon his face when he turned around. He took my original shirt out my hands and set it on the floor just behind the door. "You can grab it later." He instructed before moving past me and opening the door.
I followed out awkwardly, quickly moving to the kitchen. Jungwon, Jay, Sunghoon and Sunoo were still there. The mess had been cleaned as if it never happened. Well they are quick.
I went and sat down at the table across from Jungwon. They all started a conversation meanwhile Sunoo went back to the living room. I got on my phone and just awkwardly scrolled through it.
I noticed the time was 11:55pm. Just then did Niki call from the living room for everyone to come quickly. I got up slowly and followed behind the boys that were now jogging into the lounge.
Once I had gotten in there, everyone was standing and staring at the TV as it had the countdown on it. I stood in the back, hardly able to see it. I was still uncomfortable and truly just wanted to go back to my dorm as I didnt care about celebrating the New Year.
Then I started thinking about it. I probably could slip away really easily. Especially when they all start cheering. Just then the time hit midnight. Everyone began to jump and cheer.
I took my opportunity and slipped away down the hall. I glanced back and still nobody had seen me. Yes! I got to the door and opened it as quietly as possible and shut it really slowly as I exited.
I was successful. I got back inside my dorm and took a large relieving breath. I went to the fridge and grabbed out whatever alchohol was in there and took shot after shot.
I'm not even sure what it was as I have no recollection since it was irrelevant. I took a total of eight shots in the matter of a five minutes. Then my phone dinged. It was from Dongyul.
Dongyul
Happy New years Jeongmi! Stay safe ;)
Me
You too Dongyul :)
I huffed and then switched to me and Haena's messages. She never answered to my last text. Now she probably drunk out of her mind. I will be too soon so I texted her Happy New Years and left it at that.
I really missed her. I dont know why because I've always resented her a bit. Yet I lived with her for a while and I got use to her presence. I missed her.
However I've forgotten shes now all buddy buddy with Dabin. Now I was crying. Fragile tears slowly drifted down my cheeks as I was in despair.
Does life hate me? Was everything I was destined to have/find to be wiped away and I was supposed to pretend like it never happened? Is everyone I meet supposed to turn on me?
Was it fate for everyone to hate me or treat me badly? Realizing this, I've grown a distaste for existing and merely living. If I was destined to live without love then I dont want to live at all.
All I ever wanted was for someone to love me. Yet, that's not what fate had in store for me. I'm helpless. There was nothing I could do. My gentle tears turned into sobs.
I jumped when I heard my phone buzz again, abruptly stopping my tears. I snatched my phone up and saw it was from Heeseung.
Heeseung
Why the hell did you leave? We try to invite you to things and you just leave without motioning to anyone, seriously? If you dont want to be around us then dont complain about not being invited to things.
He was back at it. He was back to the asshole version of himself. Maybe fate should destine him to shut the fuck up. Always saying the worst things at the WORST of times. I began to sob again out of anger and sadness.
The mixed emotions were confusing me and it was scaring me. No matter how intense my mixed feelings get I always cry because of it. It's happened so many times throughout my life and you think I'd be used to it but no.
With blurred eyes and shaky hands, alchohol now setting in, I began to text Heeseung back.
Me
Listen I really dont mean to sound rude but seriously shut up. Last thing I need is for you to start your douchebag antics. Glad to acknowledge that you guys are uncomfortable around me and I'm uncomfortable around you. Think before speaking/typing.
I felt bad when I know I shouldnt but he was asking for that. Then he started to type back.
Heeseung
Do not give me that attitude Jeongmi. We were just doing good and you just had to run and do this bullshit.
Me
We were only doing good because for ONCE did you decide to be nice and of course any and everything is my fault isnt it? If you hate me so much then stay away from me and stop caring.
He never responded. I'm not sure how long I was sobbing before someone was knocking on my door. Isnt this a great way to start 2021?