Another triggering chapter. It's part of the story cause my character is a bit yea... but in case you don't wanna read that then don't and I can just tell you what happened if you ask, or tell you from what point you can read. Oh and they have this moment where they're both nude. They don't have sex or anything it's just that they're not wearing clothes so you can skip that too. Okay they do make out but that's it... I'm so embarrassed. Basically this whole chapter is a warning XD Dedicated to - Michael-Is-Lukes-Key Cause she's been a great friend to me since ages ago and she always wanted me to write smut and this is like the closest I've gotten so far XD so this is for her. And I felt bad for such a short chapter and it wasn't even that great so now I have one that's seventeen pages on my pages document. I never manage to get it just right. AND IM SO OBSESSED WITH THAT SONG. Even though I made it sexual. I'm a terrible person. AND THE TRAILER IS OUT FOR SCORCH TRIALS YAYY so I'm gonna watch that on repeat.
Newt broke his promise. He hadn't just gone through his usual two packets of cigarettes that week, he'd gone through four. And Newt had calculated that that's exactly seventy-six cigarettes that he had inhaled deadly chemicals of into his body. He wasn't happy with what he'd done, a huge amount of guilt started to build up in his stomach and his chest would ache when he thought of it. Thomas didn't know, Newt didn't want him to. But he knew that he would have to. If there was one thing he did know, it was that you should always be honest to the person you're with, wether the truth is a positive or negative.
However, that didn't make Newt want to tell him, and as a result, he became more guilty by the day, and more sad. He'd hurt Thomas a lot before, he'd hurt himself because of what he'd done to Thomas before too, but this was probably the first time where he felt so bad that he felt the need to speak of it or he'd go mad. But Newt wasn't capable of that. He didn't share, and even though Thomas had come to know some things about Newt, he was mostly a closed book. And the things that Thomas did know weren't exactly good things.
Newt wasn't able to fully grasp the others strong affection towards him, and he wasn't able to fully take in how much Thomas cared. He let Newt know a lot about his feelings because he wasn't as closed off and afraid, but Newt still couldn't fully accept it to the point where he knew that he could go to the other for anything. He was still afraid.
And then there were the screaming voices waking him up every night, and it got so bad that he almost wanted to scream himself. Newt never knew who was screaming, it had been a week of hearing the same screeching sound of someone, but he never knew who. It was too hard to tell, until tonight.
He woke up again, around two in the morning, and this time, he actually screamed himself. Because now he knew who's voice it was. It was Newt himself. Newt had been screaming in his dreams for a week now, and tonight it was clear enough to tell who the voice belonged to. He had been home alone tonight because his mum was out again, so no one was there to barge in when he'd let out a high pitched scream, tears streaming down his face as his chest moved up and down at a rapid pace. Breathe. Except he suddenly couldn't breathe anymore. It felt like something was sitting on his chest, constricting him off his air supply and barely leaving him with any in his lungs, and he started shaking as he stumbled to the bathroom before collapsing through the door and onto the tiled floor.
Newt was still conscious, but he couldn't move. He couldn't do anything besides letting tears continuously stream down his face, trying to get his breathing to even out before he'd start panicking that he could suffocate.
He lay there on the floor, not caring that the cold stone was pressing against his exposed chest. Newt just wanted to breathe. As soon as he got it back however, the familiar feeling in his stomach came. He felt the guilt of breaking a promise to Thomas. He had been incapable of keeping it as soon as he left Thomas' that morning he stayed over, but he had never imagined that he'd feel this bad about it. Maybe that's why he did it. Maybe that's why he always went back. His cigarettes used to take away guilt and pain, which is why he'd smoke another, and another, hoping that it would get rid of the guilt of breaking a promise. Instead, the feeling worsened for Newt.
He didn't get a cigarette when he got up from the floor, he got his scissors. Newt thought that maybe making his nightly routine of inflicting pain upon himself, a more regular thing, that could take the guilt away. And maybe he could stop smoking completely if he replaced the seventy-six cigarettes with seventy-six marks.
Then Thomas wouldn't be upset either, because this habit he had not yet learned of, and Newt planned to keep it that way all the way to his grave. Thomas couldn't stop this like he could with the smoking, and that made Newt feel relieved.
He threw his scissors into the corner of the shower before stepping out of his room completely and going to his mothers liquor cabinet. She had so many drinks that his mum could never notice if one bottle suddenly went missing. She would probably assume she had drank it herself and was too drunk to remember. So, Newt took the unopened bottle of Jack Daniels at the way back of the cabinet before stepping back into his bathroom.
Pain mixed with a burning sensation to his throat became Newt's favorite thing that night. He'd never hurt himself so much in one go before. There were streams of red running down his arms, legs, and stomach to the point where Newt felt faint and dizzy. Maybe it was the mix of alcohol that was now running through his system along with the amount of blood loss, but maybe it was because he finally felt relieved. He was calm lying against the wall with an empty bottle beside him, but he was also unaware of his surroundings. He was unaware of how bad his wounds had gotten.
But he was happy here. He got rid of the guilt, and he'd gotten rid of the need for a cigarette. He killed two birds with one stone, and Thomas wouldn't give him a sad look because he didn't know. Newt no longer had to break a promise of smoking two packs or more when he had this to run to. He'd built his new happy place, replacing it with his old, but he knew that he would still smoke. That, however, wouldn't be breaking the promise he gave. Thomas said less than two packs, which meant he could smoke one if he really desired, but he felt like it may not be necessary anymore now that he had found something else. Maybe I'll just have one on my way to school and one during break. That would be ten a week, which for Newt wasn't bad considering he'd bumped it up to above seventy.
He thought he was improving, that he was doing well by finding a new way to deal with his issues. Newt failed to realize that what he would now go to wouldn't become anything better, it could worsen his state of health. Alcohol kills just as well as cigarettes do, but if Thomas had never spoken anything against it, then Newt could do it.
Newt didn't realize that smoking was a lot less damaging to his body at this point than this. Being drunk and unaware of your surroundings while inflicting pain on yourself was never a good thing. When he smoked he was at least sober and aware of the amount of times he dragged his scissors along his pale skin. When drunk, he wasn't, and that resulted in him almost falling unconscious at the huge amount of blood leaving his system and going down the shower drain.
This was a lot worse, but Newt thought he was doing good. He thought he was actually putting effort into getting better and managing to get there. But he wasn't, he was going further down the path that he'd walked on for a lot of his life, and he was too blind to see that he was going the wrong way. He was killing himself when he thought he was improving so that he'd live. Newt was dying, and it was all on him.
Newt, however, liked to believe that it wasn't all his fault. If Thomas had never brought up anything about smoking in the first place, then Newt wouldn't have tried to find another escape. He'd still be smoking his regular doze every week. No more, no less. He was blaming Thomas, because for once he felt like something wasn't his fault. Thomas made him drink. Thomas made him inflict pain upon himself, and Thomas was killing him.
This wasn't healthy. His relationship with Thomas wasn't healthy either. It was dysfunctional, and Thomas always tried his hardest to make it work, to get through to Newt. But Newt was so far past the gone that it would take a miracle to bring him back to sanity. He'd have his moments, but they would soon fade and be replaced with his reality. Newt never dared to take a single step away from the destructive path he'd created, and as soon as Thomas maybe managed to pull him down a new path, he fell right back.
He was afraid to change because he was so familiar with what he had become. Acting like this, like someone completely insane (according to him) was what he knew. And why would he change that? Why would he take a step into the unknown if he could stay safe in what he knew?
It wasn't like he wasn't making any progress. Agreeing to being in a relationship, although not a stable one, was already a major step. Letting go sometimes around Thomas was another. The other boy did manage to get through to Newt sometimes, but it was hard. It was near impossible because Newt didn't want this. And if someone doesn't want to change then they won't make the effort to.
Newt confused himself a lot, he didn't know what he wanted. On one hand, he wanted Thomas to be able to read him like a book and know everything screwed up about Newt. On the other hand, he wanted the brown eyed boy to stay away. Getting close to someone is a mistake that a lot of people make. Everyone eventually leaves you. Wether it's through death or simply being sick of you. So, by staying away and not getting emotionally involved, it would hurt less once it happened. But Newt had already gotten emotionally involved. He did have feelings for Thomas, and they were a lot stronger than he knew himself.
Thomas made him feel so many different emotions depending on what he did. If he laughed or smiled, Newt wanted to laugh and smile too. When Thomas would be sad, Newt would be too, wether he wanted to be or not. And when Thomas would kiss him, his heart would skip a beat and he felt the desire to never pull away, because if he did he would crumble. The kisses they shared just made up a small part of their relationship, but it meant everything to Newt. The amount of feelings Thomas exposed to Newt were overwhelming, and he had no idea how the other managed to put so much effort and affection into one kiss. But nevertheless, Newt loved them, and he loved when the other would lean in dangerously close before making that small gap disappear.
So, what exactly did Newt want? It was either he wanted Thomas to know everything, or he wanted Thomas to know nothing. He was confused because he leaned more towards wanting the first, but being too afraid and showing that he wanted the other instead.
Something else that he wasn't aware of was that he was slowly falling in love with Thomas. But Newt was very sceptic when it came to love. He found it extremely hard to believe that a person could be capable of loving someone else to the point where they'd die for them. And maybe his love for Thomas would never have to be so extreme, but that didn't mean that it wasn't there. Locked away deep inside Newt's mind where he couldn't access it. Therefore, he continued to be unaware of his exact feelings. He wasn't fully in love yet, but he was heading there, and it was only a matter of time before he would realize it and run from it like he would with anything else that scared him.
Newt wasn't familiar with the feelings of love, little did he know that Thomas was the one giving him those exact feelings he thought were missing. Thomas was constantly loving Newt, but Newt didn't accept it, or process that it was love for that matter. He just assumed that the other was good with showing emotions, what he felt and never hid. Newt thought Thomas just liked him a lot. He didn't realize that it was more than like. It was love.
And Thomas wasn't aware of it either. Thomas felt strongly for Newt, he knew that, and he accepted it. But Thomas was still a sixteen year old teenager, and love was something far from his mind. Sure, maybe a lot of teenagers did think about that "one love", but he thought that now a days it was more about sex than an actual relationship, so love was something so far from his mind that he didn't realize that he was in it. He was one of those teenagers where it wasn't about sleeping around, but it wasn't about love either. Thomas was unsure just like Newt was, but it was different, as his insecurities weren't coming from the same point of view.
If he ever were to realize that he really had fallen for Newt, he'd be okay with it. He wouldn't run away like Newt would. He may be just as scared, but it would never come across that way. Thing is, he already showed his true feelings to Newt, but neither of them saw what it was. They were both blind and falling for each other, neither aware of it and showing it in two completely different ways.
If things weren't so complicated for them, then maybe they would see a lot better as their vision had been blinded by their fears or illusions. Maybe, if Newt wasn't so afraid then he'd already accept that he might love Thomas. And if Thomas wasn't so caught up in certain thoughts then he'd realize that he was falling for the other just as hard.
But for now, the feeling they shared together would remain unknown to each other. They just liked each other and had a strong desire to be around each other every chance they got. And Newt was starting to lust for Thomas in his dreams before they were replaced by his own sickening screams.
He didn't scream himself awake a second time that night, as he was too weak to think of anything. Newt was numb, lying on the floor in his shower which was still on, water droplets mixing with his own blood. If someone walked in right now, they'd tell you he's dead. Skin as pale as a white sheet of paper, eyes closed and dark circles surrounding it. His frail, broken and torn apart body lying there lifeless as he made no movement besides the steady breathing making his chest move.
His scissors were beside him, currently being unused, and the empty glass bottle was on his other side, sitting there completely emptied of its contents. If someone saw this, they'd fail to understand. Why would someone do something like this? They'd think it's stupid. They would fail to understand that causing yourself such extreme pain wasn't just for fun, it was to cure themselves from the pain they'd previously created, by inflicting new pain. Physical pain was easier to get rid of than emotional pain, and this was physical pain.
Newt's mental pain was a lot greater, consuming his whole body into a pit of darkness as he was slowly fading away. He really was dying, disappearing into nothing as he kept finding new ways to cope. But his coping mechanisms were the things killing him, and they could be a lot easier to get rid of if he'd just find a distraction. And Newt had a distraction, he just didn't use it as much as he should, and as soon as the distraction was gone, he'd go back. It was like a vicious cycle that he could never get out of because he wouldn't understand the problem in the first place. And if you fail to see the source of the problem, then how are you supposed to fix it?
The problems that he did see, he either ignored or tried to fix, often succeeding in doing either. The success wasn't always a positive though, as it is possible to solve a problem in a negative way.
Newt continued to lie there, barely breathing, until a pounding headache woke him up in the early hours of the morning. And as soon as he was fully awake, the pain of the damage he'd done came to him. And it hurt to the point where he wanted to tear himself apart because it'd be the only way to fix it.
He slowly got up, steadying himself against the marble sink that was beside the shower. Newt was barely capable of moving his body anywhere, and he had no idea how he would get Thomas to believe that he was fine.
He didn't feel fine, and he knew he wasn't fine. Newt was so far from it, but he didn't try to fix it as he changed into his jeans and a sweater before dragging his body downstairs and to the front porch, his bag feeling more heavy than usual as his arms had weakened a significant amount. As long as he doesn't know, I'll be fine. Newt said this to himself over again. Pretend. Act. Do what you always do. He had to be a liar again in order for this to work. For all of this to remain unknown to Thomas.
Thomas wasn't stupid though. He instantly knew that something was wrong when he stepped out of his Jeep to look at Newt. He looked sick and barely put together. It was like he had glued himself back together and as soon as something would touch him, he'd break.
"Newt?" Thomas' voice cracked, and that's when Newt knew that he'd already made Thomas upset just by laying eyes on him.
"Yes?" Thomas stared at him for a little longer before wrapping his arms around the other in a tight grip, and Newt flinched as his wounds were being weighed down on when Thomas held him close. He'd never been so happy for Thomas to pull away from a hug before. Newt however, felt the need to pull him back in so that he didn't have to look at Thomas' face when he realized how sad he looked. Newt just walked past him and stepped inside the Jeep instead because he didn't know what to say. Thomas had instantly known that something was off, he couldn't lie like he wanted to. But how far should he stretch the truth? Thomas stepped inside, but he didn't drive, he turned to look at Newt instead. He showed great concern in his eyes and his lips quivered before he took his bottom lip between his teeth.
"Newt you don't look well." There was Newt's chance, and he took it.
"How so?" By asking this, he would first be able to hear what the other suspected, and then he could lie and pretend it was true or pretend that it wasn't.
"You're paler than usual, you barely reacted when I hugged you, you have really dark circles under your eyes, and you flinched when I touched you. You just seem so sad."
"I'm always sad." Truth. Newt told a truth, but it was a truth Thomas somehow already knew, so it wasn't much of a step.
"Today is different." Newt looked over at Thomas, trying to see if he had a specific thing in mind, but he wasn't able to read anything off the other.
"Newt." Tears glossed over Thomas' eyes, and the blonde knew that what Thomas thought couldn't be good. He probably saw right through him.
"You look like you're dead." Thomas looked away from Newt and focused on the center of his steering wheel, trying to distract himself by trying to find a pattern on what was in front of him. He failed, and instead he leaned his forehead against it as a few tears rolled down his cheeks.
"It scares me Newt. To see you looking like this. I still think you're extremely beautiful, but you look unhealthy and I start to worry. Why won't you just tell me whatever's wrong so that I can help you?"
"Because I can't be helped." Thomas looked back over at Newt, completely broken and hurt by the other, and he let it show.
"You think you can't be helped, but if you just let me in then I'd spend all my time trying Newt."
"You'd be wasting your time."
"Stop saying things like that. Your mind set is completely screwed up. I wouldn't be wasting my time."
"My mind set is not messed up." Newt was hurt when Thomas had said that, but he knew that it was somehow true. All of him was messed up, and he just sat there and thought about what a screw up he was while Thomas drove them to school. Or at least Newt thought that that's what he was doing, but he was proven wrong when Thomas drove to his house.
Thomas stepped out of the car before opening the door to Newt's side, taking a hold of the others hand as Newt got out of the Jeep. He took the other upstairs into his room before laying them down on the bed.
"Newt look at me." Newt glanced up at Thomas who had a firm grip on their intertwined hands, and Thomas kissed his forehead.
"You have to open up to me Newt. You have to be able to trust me."
"Trusting people is a mistake."
"Not always." Newt let out a sarcastic bitter laugh as he sat up.
"And who do you trust?"
"You." Newt stared at Thomas in disbelief. No one would be dumb enough to trust Newt. Newt wanted to avoid this conversation, so he kissed Thomas as a distraction, but the other quickly caught on and pulled away, making Newt let out a whine.
"You can kiss me after you talk."
"That's cruel."
"I'm doing this to help you."
"I don't want help, and I don't need help." Now he was frustrated, and he forcefully tore apart their hands as he got up.
"You do need help Newt! You may not know this but I know a lot more about you than you think. And you definitely need help. You're fading away right before my eyes. You're practically dying right in front of me. And you tell me you don't need someone to help you?"
"I'm not dying."
"You are. I've seen this behavior before Newt. And guess what? This person died." Hearing this surprised Newt. Thomas had seen someone die right before him.
"Who?" Thomas shook his head, and Newt flinched at how insensitive he sounded.
"My friend. It started with these small changes in his behavior. He'd eat less, he'd start to wear sweaters, he'd drink and smoke whenever he could. He just lost himself and he ended up dying. And you're heading in that same direction. I can see that you are."
"Is that why you try so much with me?" Thomas nodded.
"I don't want you to disappear like he did. Sure, he was only a friend, not like you, but still. I want to prevent that from happening to you, but you won't let me do anything. With him I didn't try enough, and with you, you won't let me try."
Hearing this from Thomas seemed to make something click inside Newt's head. He didn't want to disappoint or sadden Thomas, but he knew that he'd already done so. Numerous times actually, and he was about to do it again.
Newt nodded slowly, slightly unsure of what his next move should be. And then he started thinking of why he even needed a strategy in the first place. He should just go for whatever he feels like. Right now he felt like letting Thomas in, but only a little bit. So that if he'd have to push himself away again, he'd be able to.
"I've felt slightly guilty this past week and I guess it really got to me. That's why I look like I died."
"But why do you even feel guilty in the first place?" Newt looked down ashamed as he played with his fingers nervously whilst biting his lip.
"I smoked more than I promised I would." He closed his eyes, afraid to look at the other and worried that if he did open them, he'd receive a disappointed frown.
"How much more?" Thomas didn't sound as upset as Newt thought he would, he sounded angry. An aggressive and harsh tone lacing his voice as he spoke.
"Three packs more." And then Thomas stood up, making Newt cower in fear and make himself smaller, letting out a whimper.
"I can't believe you! You promised me one and then you smoke two more than your usual? Are you fucking kidding me right now?!" Newt wanted to apologize, but nothing left his quivering lips as he tried to speak and calm the other down. He had never seen Thomas hold such an angry look with furious eyes that looked like they wanted to strangle Newt. He started throwing things around in his room, and that's when the blonde really got scared. Thomas could hurt him if he desired, and the very thought of the one person he liked, hitting him, hurt him almost as much as if he'd actually been hit physically already.
"I-I'm sorry. T-Tommy, please here me o-out. P-please." He managed to stutter out, the other stopping his movements as he looked at Newt.
"D-don't hurt me." Newt sat down with his legs up, trying to shield himself from whatever Thomas would do, but nothing came. He didn't hurt Newt. Thomas would never have dared to even if he had wanted to, and the fact that the other boy who was currently hiding himself, thought that Thomas might, broke Thomas and instantly turned his anger into great sadness.
"N-Newt." Thomas sat down in front of Newt, trying to tilt the others chin so that he could look into his eyes.
"I'd never hurt you. Don't ever think that I would. I could never do that to you." Newt didn't know what to say, he rarely ever did as he wasn't quick on his feet. So, he wrapped his arms around Thomas instead, hoping that Thomas would somehow understand that Newt understood.
They held onto each other for a little while longer, Newt appearing a lot smaller in Thomas' arms even though he wasn't that much shorter. He was just a lot skinnier. Newt had a little muscle on him, but nothing compared to what Thomas had. So the laters large frame almost covered Newt completely, protecting him from whatever he was scared of.
A couple hours later, Thomas realized that he had lacrosse practice and that he would have to go back to school even though they had both originally planned to stay in. Newt decided to tag along, he could sit on his log and watch Thomas with the trees shielding him from anyone unwanted. He could relax and watch the other play, scoring goals and maybe falling over cause he was ridiculously clumsy and his shoes would always manage to untie themselves as they were never tied tightly enough.
So now they found themselves in Thomas' Jeep once again, heading to their original destination and silently listening to the radio. Newt sang along a bit, but not too much as he was embarrassed that the other may hate his voice. Thomas didn't.
"You're a good singer." Newt looked over at Thomas, trying to detect if it was a lie or a truth that Thomas was telling him. He found nothing but truth, so he blushed.
"I'm decent."
"I bet that if you actually sang a bit louder, you'd be amazing." Newt furiously shook his head, trying to hide the tint on his cheeks and miserably failing as he chewed on the inside of his cheek.
"How long is practice?" Thomas smirked.
"Changing subject I see? And it's an hour and a half, but I wanna stay a bit after as well to practice alone. Is that okay? I could drive you home straight away if you want."
"No, it's okay. I wanna be with you." Thomas reached for the others hand, Newt guiding him to his bony fingers and putting them together, studying them and how they fit together. The other said nothing as they reached the school and Newt quickly kissed his cheek before rushing over to his tree whilst Thomas went to change.
He sat there for the whole hour and a half, watching and waiting for practice to be over with as he got extremely bored after fifteen minutes. But he didn't want to be rude and walk home, he couldn't do that to Thomas.
He waited another fifteen minutes for the other players to leave before he made his appearance on the field and sat on the grass with his legs crossed over one another. Thomas smiled at him before shooting a goal, continuing to practice for another hour. Newt eventually went to lie down on the grass, and then of course, it had to start raining a few minutes later. He liked the rain and it didn't bother him, and he barely noticed that Thomas had gone to lie beside him.
"It's raining." Newt laughed.
"Really? I just thought it was water coming out of the sky. But rain?" Thomas chuckled and rolled onto Newt, covering him completely from the rain as he leaned down to the point where their foreheads and noses were touching, and their lips barely met another.
"Are you just gonna look at me or are you gonna kiss me?"
"Impatient?" Newt glared, and then Thomas rolled over so that Newt was on top, before moving again so that they were rolling around in the grass together, their clothes drenched in water that had fallen down from the sky. They laughed, and Newt seemed to forget every worry he ever had. He only had eyes for Thomas in that moment, focusing on the boy he thought was so amazing and beautiful. His heart skipped a beat and his stomach made a strange movement that he hadn't felt a lot before. And when he had those few times, it was also because of Thomas.
They eventually stopped rolling around in the grass, and by now their clothes were clinging to their bodies, but it didn't bother either of them as they focused on each other. And three words were on the tip of Thomas' tongue, but he didn't say them. Because he himself had only just come to realize it.
"Tommy." Thomas' full attention went back to the boy beneath him, and Newt gave the most genuine smile he had ever managed.
"Yes?"
"Remember that conversation we had where I said something about never being fully happy?" Thomas nodded, curiousness evident on his features as he furrowed his brows and waited for Newt to continue.
"I was wrong. I'm happy right now with you. Just us lying here in the rain is making me so damn happy." Newt received a kiss in response, which he instantly melted into, holding onto Thomas' waist whilst the other held himself up with his arms by Newt's sides.
There was a great chance that one of them would catch a cold due to the weather, but that was the least of their worries as they continued kissing. They were completely wrapped up in each other, like two teenagers hopelessly in love, but one only being aware of it. Newt started to feel it too though, the feeling was there, and it was real.
Thomas pulled away when he needed to breathe, gasping for air that he currently lacked. Then he pulled himself to his feet, eventually pulling Newt up as well.
"I need to change. You should tag along or you'll catch a cold out here."
"I could just wait in the Jeep?" Thomas glared.
"Can't you just stay with me?" Newt answered the question by walking towards the locker rooms, Thomas skipping behind, satisfied.
Newt would occasionally make his appearance in the locker rooms, but not a lot as he hated being in it. It felt like a changing room that belonged to prisoners, not high school students. But he sat against Thomas' locker as the other stripped down to his underwear. That definitely didn't help Newt with his wild imagination, so he rushed to look away, only to hear Thomas chuckle.
"I'm not naked Newt."
"I am begging you not to go there." But it was too late as Thomas flashed through his mind completely exposed, and Newt shivered. Thomas walked over to Newt with a smirk on his lips, before leaning down to whisper in his ear while securing his towel tightly around his waist so that it wouldn't fall, as Newt continuously tried to ignore him.
"I can let it fall."
"Don't." A low chuckle was heard besides Newt, but it faded as Thomas walked away to the showers, and the blonde wanted to strip down and join. He was unsure though, and he didn't want to do anything if he were to join. Newt wasn't ready for any of that.
But then he suddenly stopped thinking as he got out of his clothes and walked over towards the direction where he heard the shower running. And then he saw Thomas, standing with his back to him, and he sort of stopped for a minute just to observe him. His back was toned and muscled, something Newt had expected but not to this extreme, and he overall looked amazing as the water ran down his skin. Newt eventually moved closer, his body growing warm at the thought of touching Thomas' exposed chest. And maybe he was going a bit far, as Thomas hadn't even offered for him to join, but something took over him as if he were possessed. He suddenly craved this.
When he finally reached Thomas, he immediately wrapped his arms around the other which resulted in the other jumping up in surprise. Thomas visibly relaxed when he looked down and recognized Newt's hands that were placed right above his v-line, and he turned his head slightly to look down at Newt.
"Joining me?"
"What the hells it look like?" Thomas shook his head in laughter, before completely turning around and caressing Newt's cheek with his left hand.
"So you joined me because?"
"Not to have sex if that's what you're thinking." Thomas laughed, but it quickly faded as he observed Newt's body, and that's when Newt realized that he had scars and gashes everywhere that he'd completely forgotten about a few minutes ago. He didn't know what to say, and at this point he was terrified of what Thomas would think. So, he ran like he always did, towards Thomas' locker and put on his boxers and jeans. The other was a fast runner though, and caught up to him almost instantly whilst he was changing.
"Don't go anywhere Newt. Please." Newt didn't listen. He was ashamed and wanted to hide away from Thomas forever. But somehow there was no point anymore because Thomas knew. He had been stupid and hadn't thought straight when he joined the other in the shower, and now he was paying the price of having exposed one of his deepest secrets to the other because he was reckless.
And at this point, Newt was crying. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he scrambled to get his sweater on, but Thomas stopped him, threw it to the side and intertwined their hands. He looked over Newt's body as he let a few tears fall down as well, before settling on the others eyes.
"I'm not gonna ask why because I feel like I should already know. But Newt, please don't leave. I don't hate you if you think I do. And I don't find you any less attractive either because of it. Newt you're still so damn beautiful to me wether these marks cover your body or not. You don't need to hide these things from me. You really don't need to be so afraid." Newt didn't dare to look at Thomas, more and more of the guilt he'd felt came back, and now he craved another bottle of alcohol and his scissors to take it all away. But he was with Thomas, so that currently wasn't an option for him.
"Just, come back with me to the shower and don't be scared. I'm not mad. I don't hate you. I'm not embarrassed by you. I definitely don't think that these cuts make you ugly. Newt, please." And in that moment Newt knew that he could trust Thomas. Not just a little bit, but with everything. Thomas would be there. He may be upset at first, or angry, but he'd never tell a soul, and he'd never hurt Newt for it. He'd always be there, and in that moment, Newt fully came to realize that.
So, he hesitantly took his jeans off again before walking to the showers with Thomas, both of them silent as Thomas turned on the water.
"Say something." Newt had nothing in mind that he could say, his thoughts overwhelming him and leaving him clueless on what to say as he looked at Thomas with his wide brown eyes.
"Thank you." Thomas smiled at Newt before bringing their lips together, and Newt instinctively placed his arms onto Thomas' defined chest, keeping them there to steady himself as he had to reach up to the others lips. The other went to wrap his arms around Newt's waist, before moving down to his thighs, making Newt shiver and almost lose his balance at such an unfamiliar and intimate touch. He unintentionally let out a low moan, and Thomas tightened his grip before mumbling against his lips.
"Jump." And Newt did, Thomas holding him up by his thighs as he went to stand between Newt's legs, whilst the other hooked them around Thomas' waist. Thomas pushed Newt up against the wall, pressing his body up against the blondes as closely as he could manage. They continued kissing, but it got messy as they lost complete control over their movement, and the close proximity of their bodies as the hot water fell on them almost became unbearable.
Newt bit his lower lip as Thomas pulled away to trail kisses along his jaw and down to his neck, nibbling and biting on the skin every once in a while, leaving Newt to almost draw blood from his lip as he tried to stay quiet.
Thomas went along Newt's collarbone, before settling on a spot between Newt's shoulder and neck, and as soon as he bit down on the others skin, Newt let out a moan that was a lot louder than he had intended it to be. Thomas smirked in satisfaction, leaving a hickey at that exact spot, marking Newt as his, before trailing kisses back up to Newt's lips. The blonde pulled them together into another kiss by tugging on Thomas' hair, the other letting out a low growl.
Thomas eventually leaned their foreheads against each other, just looking at Newt as the other smiled at him, before he gently set the blonde back to the tiled floor beneath.
"We should really go. It's already seven thirty probably." Thomas nodded, but he didn't let Newt move a single step, so he gave a confused look.
"One more thing before we change, Newt." Newt nodded, slightly unsure, and his heart started beating out of his chest as Thomas started to kiss his arms lightly before moving to his stomach.
Newt was slightly worried as Thomas was moving dangerously close to somewhere where he didn't want the other to go, but Thomas stopped before he went too far.
"I'd kiss the scars on your legs too, but that might be a bit much." And Newt couldn't help it then, he burst out laughing at the thought of Thomas actually going through with something like that.
"It was sweet anyway." Thomas smiled at him before taking his hand in his and pulling them back to his locker again, and both of them changed in silence, Newt being a lot faster than Thomas. He was done when the brown haired boy was still in only a towel, loosely hanging from his waist. And then Newt lost it again, pushing Thomas against the lockers and harshly kissing his lips, almost undoing the towel before Thomas stopped him. Newt was glad that the other had placed his hands over Newt's on the edge of the towel, keeping it firmly in place so that Newt could calm down from whatever crazy state he had gone to.
"Sorry. I lost it a bit I suppose." Thomas let out a barely audible giggle, which Newt found beyond adorable, but he didn't say anything.
"Yea, maybe a little. I can't blame you though. After showering with you I'm surprised it didn't get as out of hand as it could've gone." Newt sighed while Thomas continued to get dressed.
"I'm not ready for that yet though." They both knew what Newt meant, and he was slightly worried that Thomas would be annoyed, but he wasn't.
"Don't worry Newt. It's really no rush. We'll only go there when you're fully ready. And even if you decide to change your mind in the middle of it, we can just stop." Newt smiled.
"You're amazing you know? I don't really appreciate you enough, but you really are something Tommy." Thomas finished putting together his things, shutting his locker before taking Newt's hand and walking out to the car.
"You're amazing too." Newt blushed, an action he really hated doing, but it was unavoidable around someone like Thomas. They laughed and playfully shoved each other on the way out to the car, both getting in as Newt looked outside. The stars were out, it was dark as it was winter, and Newt got an idea.
"Don't drive." Thomas looked at him, waiting for an explanation for why he couldn't drive. Newt jumped out of the vehicle before going up on the hood, and Thomas seemed to catch on as he soon went to join him. They both leaned against the window of the car, cuddled up to each other as they looked up at the stars.
"We're so damn cheesy. I hate it."
"You're the one who went up on the hood first." Newt glanced over at Thomas, who was in fact correct that this was Newt's idea.
Newt eventually fell asleep in Thomas' arms as they stayed out there for quite some time, and Thomas had to carry Newt into the backseat, laying him down gently before driving home to his. He would've driven to Newt's, but he was unsure with his mother.
He carried the older, but visibly smaller, boy upstairs and into his bed, wrapping him up in the blanket Thomas had, before lying down beside him. Thomas played with his hair for a bit, and eventually fell asleep himself.
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Newt didn't scream himself awake that night again, he was safe in Thomas' arms. Thomas, however, wasn't so lucky. He awoke to Newt shuffling and squirming around where he was lying, accidentally kicking Thomas in the process. He could see Newt panting and he was burning hot as he moved around. Thomas was afraid that Newt was having a bad dream, and was about to wake him up, but as soon as he touched Newt, he realized what it actually was, and he blushed, biting his lip, trying to contain himself.
When Thomas had gone to shake Newt's arm, Newt had moaned, told him to continue, and it was all extremely suggestive when he spoke. He couldn't wake Newt up, because then he'd have to explain why he did, and he wasn't sure that he could explain this without embarrassing both of them. But lying here and hearing Newt moan because of what Thomas did to him in his dreams, didn't help him either, as he slowly grew uncomfortable and lusted for Newt.
He went to kiss Newt's shoulder blade to distract himself, but then he realized what had brought him to this point in the first place, and then Newt screamed out his name and that's when Thomas knew that he had to wake him up. A set of brown eyes stared at him, and Thomas stared back, not sure of what else he could do. Newt yawned, his sweater rising slightly, and even if Thomas had already seen everything, it still made him furiously blush. Newt was fit, which a lot of people would never expect. And Thomas got to see it, leaving him amazed and embarrassed all at the same time.
"There a reason why you woke me?" Thomas decided that he should go for the truth. It may embarrass them both, but it was better that way.
"You had one of your... ehrm well how do I put this? Those dreams you had with me and you? Yea you just had one and you speak in your sleep and move around so I heard a lot." He looked away from Newt, but he could see Newt throw his head back into the pillow and place his hands over his face.
"Oh my god."
"Yea that's one of the things you said." Thomas smirked, a new wave of confidence surging through him.
"No, I mean like, oh my god I did not do that?"
"Except you did. Want me to reenact some of the things you said?"
"Rather not. Please." Normally, Thomas would've gone for it anyway to tease Newt, but he didn't want to push it tonight.
"Okay. I won't say anything. It was interesting though. Do you remember dreaming any of it?"
"I remember it down to every bloody detail, but I didn't know that I spoke as well and that you would hear it."
"Want me to drive you home?"
"Isn't it midnight?"
"Yea, around one in the morning. But I'm more than willing to drop you off if you'd like." Newt shook his head, he didn't want to leave now. He loosely wrapped one arm around Thomas before pressing their bodies together, closing his eyes and focusing on Thomas' steady heart beat.
"Night Newt." Newt barely managed to say anything back as he'd already fallen asleep again, but Thomas didn't mind, letting the boy he thought was so amazing, sleep. And it soon followed for him again.
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One problem that Thomas and Newt always found themselves having was waking up in the mornings for school. It was already hard when they were in separate beds in two different homes, but waking up in each others arms and then having to get out of bed was near impossible. Thomas tried to get up first, untangling himself from the others body, which was proven to be difficult as their legs were wrapped up in one another, and their chests were tightly held together with their arms. And then when he eventually did get out of bed, Newt immediately pulled him back in, making Thomas fall backwards onto Newt.
"Don't go." Newt would kiss his shoulder gently, and Thomas just couldn't leave someone like that alone, so he stayed exactly where he was. At times he was worried that he'd crush the boy underneath him, but he figured that Newt would say something if that were to be the case.
And this particular morning, they were both too tired to care after the usual routine of getting up before lying back down. But they had already skipped yesterday. The teachers would contact their parents soon if this continued, and they both wanted to avoid that.
"We really have to go Tommy."
"Five damn minutes Newt. Just stay in my arms for five more minutes." And Newt did, but eventually it resulted in being fifteen minutes more than planned, and now they were running late as they rushed into Thomas' car.
"I blame you." Thomas just laughed at Newt as he drove off. Newt tended to be grumpy in the mornings so it didn't bother his boyfriend much as he was used to it.
"This is your fault you know. You said five minutes and then it's freaking twenty."
"Well it's not like you made any more effort than me at getting up." Newt glared.
"Shut it." Despite the aggression in his voice, Newt was in a good mood. It may not have come across that way, but he was. Thomas played a major role in that factor, and he was sure that if this would've been any other day, he wouldn't have been in nearly as close as a good mood as he was.
Yesterday evening seemed a blur to him, almost as if he'd been drunk, but he knew that he had been completely sober last night as he had not been home to get any alcohol. Newt still found it hard to grasp that Thomas knew about his scars though, and that he still acted so normal. He didn't look at Newt any differently, and Newt loved that. He appreciated it, because he didn't want to be viewed any different. He was still the same messed up Newt that Thomas had come to like.
"Did I really see you naked yesterday or is something wrong with me?" Thomas glanced over at Newt, slightly unsure if it was a real question or if he was just thinking out loud, but Newt had really asked this question, and he was waiting for an answer.
"Yea. You saw me. I saw you." Newt wanted to bang his head against the dashboard, but he restrained himself.
"I'm surprised we managed to stay so composed when we were both not wearing any clothes. Like at all. Nothing." Newt laughed. He loved when Thomas would continue talking even though he'd gotten his point across. But he'd always emphasize on it anyway.
"Do you think it would've been different if we would've been drunk?" This question seemed to take Thomas by surprise. Thomas did drink, and he assumed Newt did sometimes too, but he hadn't really seen it coming.
"No. I don't think we would've done anything beyond that." Newt felt relieved knowing that Thomas would never do anything to him unless he wanted it.
"I liked it though. It almost felt more intimate than if we would've just gone for it."
"Yea, I see what you mean with that."
"Do you really Tommy?" Thomas nodded.
"Yea. Sure, sex is an intimate thing as well but I don't know. I just felt like yesterday was intimate too, just the way I got to hold you and kiss you."
"I like the way you kiss me." Thomas smiled before parking his car in front of the school.
"And how would you say I kissed you yesterday?"
"I would've said you kissed me with all the love and affection you could muster."
"And you would be right." Thomas leaned over to peck Newt's lips one time before jumping out of the car, Newt following his footsteps once more. This routine was way too typical for both of them, but it was something they had to do five times a week.
"I'll see you in class. Maybe. We only really have two classes cause you're older." Newt pouted.
"Blame my mum for having me a year too early then."
"I should thank her for giving me an amazing boyfriend that goes by the name Newt and is also one of the most adorable human beings." Newt scrunched his nose and gave Thomas a strange look.
"I think I'll be more adorable if you kiss me one more time." So Thomas did just that. Leaving a kiss on each of Newt's cheeks, then one on his forehead, then his nose, and finally ending on his lips, lingering there a little longer than anywhere else.
"And? Am I more adorable now?" Thomas shook his head to say no, and Newt gave him a frustrated sigh.
"I think another kiss will do the trick." He opened the door to the backseat of his car, lifting Newt up and seating him there before leaning up to kiss the other. They may've been in the middle of the school parking lot, but people were too invested in each other anyway, so it didn't matter.
Newt eventually pulled away to breathe, going out of the car again and letting Thomas lock it before they stepped inside the building.
"I'll see you at lunch?" Newt nodded and let go of Thomas' hand.
"Your tree right?" The blonde agreed as they finally separated, but not before he called out to Thomas one more time.
"Our tree!" And Thomas gave him one more thumbs up and a wink before going to his locker and disappearing down the corner.