A few weeks earlier...
Her expression clearly showed that what she had to say wouldn't be nice and pleasant. We sat at one of the farthest tables, putting our drinks on the counter. The others weren't due to join us for an hour, so we had plenty of time. I was wondering why Annie asked us to meet earlier than the others. Maybe it was our roles?
— Do you know why we're here early? — She asked as if reading my mind.
— Unfortunatelly, not.
— Oh, really? What happened on set today? With who did you talk?
— A lot of people, but what's that got to do with it?
—You didn't happen to talk to Saint, did you?
Saint? How does she know about it? How much does he know? This couldn't be anything good. Maybe should I pretend to be stupid?
— What?
— Don't pretend you don't know and don't make a fool out of me. Max told me that Saint is your ex. Let me show you something. — She opened the backpack she was carrying, took out her phone, which had already shown her Instagram homepage. She quickly found Saint's profile and handed it to me. – See the latest post.
I looked and froze. I saw a photo of us and Saint together from a movie set with the caption "One day you'll be mine again." My heart felt as if it had stopped beating. Time slowed, memories came back. Memories of the show we were to put on at the behest of P Sky, and which was exploited by the press and people on social media. It was chaos, but P'Sky was very happy about it. He said it was selling well. I thought back to what was written in the script for us and what we had to do. It was the version everyone was supposed to believe, and it made people hate me, which hurt so much that at one point I actually broke down. I couldn't cope anymore. Or the memories of what really happened .
Why did Saint do this? If he also got a script from P'Sky, it had to be identical to mine, so why did he behave differently? Why did he kiss me then? Did he really want more? Was he just pretending? At the time I thought that P'Sky didn't say anything to him, that he did all this because he wanted to and it fucking hurt. He was my friend, he knew I didn't feel anything for him, he must have known he was hurting me with his behavior, so why did he keep doing it?
I took my phone out of my pocket, found a well-hidden text file with a script and a description of how the character I'm going to play should feel.
I handed the phone to Annie and she started reading.
Important:
You are to play the person described below, I think it's not difficult for you.
POV Zee:
We were in a bar, and Saint had insisted on celebrating the end of a series we were both on. I preferred to spend this time at home with him, he was important to me and I wanted to show him that in some way. He knew it, and for some time I had the impression that he was playing with my feelings. The bar was already crowded, and when we got there, it turned out that some of the crew were there too. There was this boy too, Katsamonnat or something, I don't even want to remember the name, but his behavior is etched in my memory forever. The face of an angel and the soul of a demon - this is how he can be briefly described. Saint told me a lot about him, I thought it was innocent stories, that he was just worried about a friend. That night I saw with my own eyes that Earth, because that was his nickname, was much more to Saint, but I tried to pretend I didn't see it.
Earth shamelessly sat on Saint's lap, claiming there was no room on the couch we were sitting on. It was tight, but not that tight, he was petite, he could squeeze in anywhere. I tried to ignore it and at the same time let Saint know that I didn't like it. I nudged him in the side, and when he looked at me, I said.
"Can we find another place for us?"We were supposed to celebrate together".
“Come on, P'Zee, celebrating with friends is even more fun".
His words stung. So he thought I was boring, that spending time with me wasn't fun? Was he just using me all these months? It was hard for me to come to terms with it.
"Whatever you want. I'll go then, you don't need me here." — I stated and stood up, wanting to leave the building and head back to the hotel. I was going to pack up and go home. Saint was important to me, but his behavior hurt me at every turn. While I cared for him as best I could, he ignored me, often chose to spend time with his friends over me, and treated me as nothing more than a man whore who gave him moments of pleasure when he wanted it. He never cared about my feelings, never asked how I was, and when I got sick he never visited me, but Max was there. I will never fully thank him for what he has done for me. He and Nat pulled me out of the deep pit I had fallen into after that evening.
And going back to that evening, because the story doesn't end here...
I wanted to go back to the hotel and pack. I've had enough of it all. Everyone at some point reaches the limit of their endurance, that was my limit. I couldn't calmly watch Earth flirt with my... Exactly. My who? Who was Saint to me? We weren't officially a couple, but we slept together many times, and we often appeared in public together for the sake of promoting the show, holding hands, hugging each other, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was very shallow, superficial on his part. And that it meant nothing to him.
He grabbed my hand and led me out of the building. For a fraction of a second, I thought he was going to apologize to me, I thought he should. I felt very disappointed when he asked me what the hell I was doing.
"Why did you let him sit on your lap?"
"And why not? He's my boyfriend, why shouldn't I let him?"
"Your...your boyfriend?" — It already hurt, and his next words hurt me even more.
"Yeah, don't look so pitiful as if you're about to cry, you're a grown man, aren't you?" You're not gonna cry like a little baby, are you? Yes, Earth and I are together, if you must know".
"And I? What about me? Who am I for you?" — It was hard to hold back the tears, but I tried my best. I grabbed his shirt. —"Tell me who am I to you?! You were only with me for sex, right?"
"No, you're not that good. I was with you because the producer told me to. We were supposed to promote the show, remember? Well, but now we've finished working on this crap, each of us can go our own way".
"So none of what you said was true?"
"You're calling me a liar? I've never lied to you. It's not my fault that you and your fans are fantasizing in your empty heads. Now get out of my way, I don't want to see you again".
He pushed me away and went back to the bar while I stood like a fool near the entrance with my heart torn apart. I trusted him, gave him my heart and body, let him hurt me many times, and in the end he destroyed my heart and threw it in the mud, trampling it with contempt. I forgave him so much, even when my parents warned me that he was not a good boy. They knew. At first I thought they were trying to separate us because they didn't like us both being men, but it wasn't until that evening that I realized the real reason. It wasn't about his gender, it was about what kind of person he was.
I went back to the hotel, still holding back tears. Saint's words rang in my ears, I couldn't shake it off. Only in peace did I allow my despair to overwhelm me completely. My phone didn't stop ringing from the moment I stepped into the room, so I turned it off, not wanting to talk to anyone. I just noticed that it was Max. Whatever he wanted from me, I wanted solitude. I stopped trusting anyone. Packing my clothes into a suitcase and gathering my things, all the time I had only one thing on my mind: that I had let myself be deceived and used like a small, naive child. Somewhere in the distance behind me, the normal life of the city was going on, cars were driving, people were talking or arguing, others were dancing, singing or drinking their sorrows away. I chose a slightly calmer form of showing my despair. I just checked out of the hotel, packed my bags, and got into my car and headed home. A road I can't remember at all, I don't know how I made it safely and in one piece, these memories seem to be hidden behind some curtain or mist.
The next thing I remember is that in desperation and anger I started banging on the steering wheel until I accidentally sounded the horn. It was the only thing that brought me out of this strange state. I looked at myself in the mirror, wiped my tears, fixed my hair, and got out. I didn't waste time getting my luggage out of the car, I just locked it and went ahead. To my surprise, my father was already waiting outside the door. He saw my puffy and red eyes and without a word he pulled me into a tight hug.
"Dad…" — I just said and started crying for good. I've hidden my true emotions and feelings and who I am for so long that now there's too much of it and it needs an outlet. I felt like a balloon being slowly deflated, except it was poisoned air, toxic, and I needed to fill it with new, clean, and healthy air. I don't know how long we stood like that, I could feel him stroking my back as I clenched his sweater in my fists.
"It's okay, you're home, everything will be fine now," — He said in a gentle, calm voice. That's what I needed, I needed someone who wouldn't judge me or blame me for what happened, I needed someone who would at least try to understand me.
When I finally pulled away from Dad, he put his arm around me and led me home. He seemed to understand perfectly well that I didn't want to talk to anyone right now.
"You can go to your room, we'll talk in the morning if you feel up to it."
"Okay. Thank you, Dad." — I tried to smile, but I don't think I succeeded. Dad nodded at me and left for his bedroom. I slowly made my way to my room. I walked in and immediately jumped on the bed.
For the whole next day, I refused to eat or drink anything, and I refused to talk to my parents, asking them to understand. I promised I would explain everything to them soon. I knew they were worried about me, I didn't want to cause problems, but I didn't know what was happening to me, so I couldn't explain it to anyone. A little over a day after my arrival, I heard the doorbell ring. I wasn't expecting any visitors, and my parents didn't mention any visitors either, so it was a surprise to me. I looked out the window and froze as I saw whose car was parked in front of the gate. It was Max's red Porsche 911.
I immediately ran down the stairs, intending to ask my parents not to let Max in. Too late, Max was already in the driveway, jumped out of the car and greeted my dad. I sighed and went to meet him. Max immediately gave me a critical look.
"Hi Max" — I greeted, pretending everything was fine.
"We need to talk seriously." — He said then turned to my dad. — "I'm sorry, uncle, but I need to have a private conversation with your son."
"Of course, don't be shy, I won't disturb you." — I will go to the market for fresh vegetables.
"Will you take your mother with you?"
"Yes. Just don't destroy anything. And if you ever feel like breaking vases, at least take the ugly ones from the garage, we're not going to use them anyway".
"Why would we break vases?" — Max asked.
"My beloved son already has a habit of throwing something when he gets angry, and I have the impression that since he came back he is full of suppressed emotions. I think it's better to let this bad energy leave us, if the destruction of an object is going to help it, then I have to let it go." — My father explained, smiling good-naturedly as usual.
"Okay, we'll go to his room then." — Max put his arm around me and led me home and to my room, where he sat me on the bed and sat next to me.
"Max…" — I started and stopped, meeting his eyes. I expected him to look at me with hatred and contempt, but I didn't see it. He was just waiting for me to say. — "What are you doing here?"
"I came to check on you. You didn't answer my calls".
"I turned off my phone, I didn't want to talk to anyone. Something happened?"
"Hey, you don't have to be tough in front of me, I saw everything that happened outside the bar."
I didn't know what to answer him. Since he saw everything... We sat in silence, he didn't rush me, he gave me time to think everything over. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him looking around my room.
The room was large with one fairly large window, a double bed covered with sheets in various shades of blue, the walls were also light blue, and the floor was light gray. All the furniture was colour-coordinated, i.e. it was also grey, as were the doors and the window frame. On the other hand, the curtains and all the decorations in various shades of navy blue and blue. Only the two soft, comfortable, large armchairs at the coffee table were black plush. There was a bitten apple on the bedside table, which I couldn't finish eating. My clothes hung in disarray on the black leather chair at my desk, my socks on the floor. The laptop was on with a slideshow from my favorite folder, including those of Saint. I don't know why I tortured myself even more with this view.
There were plates of food on the desk that my mother had brought that morning, I hadn't even tasted it. I had no appetite, everything seemed tasteless to me.
Max walked over to the desk, looked critically at the contents of the bowls, and shook his head.
"Zee, you need to eat something. Go take a shower and I'll heat up your food".
"I don't want to" —I protested.
"I don't care, you have to take a shower and eat something, I won't be back until you do."
It was blackmail, but it worked on me. I didn't want him to stay here any longer than necessary, I knew he had his responsibilities and was still working on something, and yet he found time to come here to see me. I gave him the most murderous look I could muster, then grabbed clean clothes from the closet and resignedly shuffled into the bathroom.
I tried to hurry, not wanting Max to wait too long for me. By the time I got back to my room, the food was already warmed up and Max himself was fiddling with my laptop. I walked over to him, peering over his shoulder, and saw that he was in the process of transferring photo files from my favorite folder to a flash drive.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm downloading your photos".
"I can see that, but why?"
"After I download them, I'll delete them from your laptop, but they'll stay on this flash drive. I'll give it to you when you're ready, and in the meantime, we don't need to see this cunning and traitor".
Why did I think Max cared about this case even more than I did?
"Don't delete them" — I pleaded, going back to drying my wet hair with a towel. I had to admit that I needed a warm shower, I felt a bit better right away. In addition, the presence of Max, whom I had only known for a few months but had the impression that we had known each other all our lives, also had a positive effect on me. Max was never a barrier, you could always tell him anything and if you made a mistake or did something stupid you could be sure that Max would point out your mistake or openly criticize you, he wouldn't give you crap just because he didn't want to lose a friend he was very sincere.
So when I came out of the bathroom, I decided to tell him everything. And so I did.
— I felt disgusting reading it. I considered Saint my friend, and I didn't want to… — I said again when I noticed that Annie had finished reading and was looking at me thoughtfully for a moment, picking at her lower lip with her fingers.
Admitting that it was all just P'Sky's fiction was refreshing and comforting. It was good to get rid of that burden, tell someone about it and let them understand. I was indeed heartbroken for Saint, but that was because, despite knowing it was all fiction, he cut off all contact with me anyway and had the courage to claim it was my fault. I've tried to talk to him many times about it, but he won't answer his calls, he won't read the messages I wrote literally everywhere. He ran away from me like he really despised me. That hurt me the most. I felt lost. First, he kissed me as if the world was about to end, and then, without explaining anything, he disappeared from my life. I doubted he was scared of Max's words, he never took him too seriously.
The image flashed before my eyes again the night after receiving the script from P'Sky... I was sitting on the couch in my room reading the text, unable to understand why it was written in English and not Thai, when Saint stormed in into the room and first told me to get out, then unexpectedly started kissing me, although a few days earlier he himself had told me that he only treated me as a friend. I was confused and terrified. I didn't know what to believe anymore, everything seemed false, as if I was stuck in some unreal dream from which I couldn't wake up no matter how hard I tried.
For the next few days, I tried to contact Saint, explain it, I wanted to know the truth. Why did he do it? Did he really want to hurt me? Is he such a monster?
– It was Max who was with me in these difficult times, he was the one who comforted me and it was thanks to him that I didn't go completely to the bottom. And then I got an offer to play the main character in the "Cutie Pie" series. I agreed without hesitation, it seemed to me that work was what I needed most at that moment, I completely didn't expect that I would meet the love of my life and the man there, that will change me forever and make me never be afraid to be myself again. — I finished my story, Annie listening intently, occasionally nodding or interjecting a question that helped me through the most difficult parts of the story.
— Thank you for telling me about it and… Wooow, I'm in shock. Also because I'm a complete stranger, and yet you told me so.
— I did it because I know you can be trusted.
She looked at me questioningly.
— Your scars — I said, and she immediately took her hands off the table and hid them from my sight. — Don't hide them. They show that you have experienced something terrible, and yet here you are, talking to me, overcoming all obstacles. Tell me, how many times have you suffered and cried alone and had no one to wipe away your tears?
Perhaps I was too nosy, perhaps I wanted to know too much, but looking at her scarred hands I couldn't help but think about my past, about my school days when I had to hide my orientation. I remember how scared I was then that someone would find out that they would ruin my life for it. It turned out that my anxiety was well-founded. In senior year, my best friend stayed over at my home and found my diary, from which he found out that I was not sure of my orientation, at that time I was still hesitating whether I was bi or gay. My hesitation was mainly due to fear, being bisexual seemed easier to me, gave me hope that I would meet some nice girl, make a life with her and no one would find out about my secret.
Unfortunately, Pete wasn't very understanding. He stole my notebook and decided to show it to other students, all hell broke loose. I've seen them look at me with judgmental and contemptuous eyes, I've heard them call me a pervert, a fag, and something abnormal. They made me want to end it myself, I wanted to commit suicide, but then Minnie, my cousin, took me to an acting class. There I found my passion and I already knew who I wanted to be in the future. Convincing parents was not easy, but somehow we managed.
– Yes, it happened very often. In high school I discovered that I liked women, I was living in an orphanage where I ended up because my parents were abusive towards me, other students started bullying me to the point that they got me expelled from school. I returned to my parents, spent a year in the countryside helping them with various duties. I had suicidal thoughts many times, each day was a constant struggle to survive. And then somehow I found the strength to look for another school — She told me, occasionally sipping her blue drink or playing with a straw. — There I met a boy, Czarek, we became a couple almost immediately, perhaps I was too easy to get, but it was because I desperately wanted love. After school, I always went to pick him up from work. I loved our walks around the city, we always held hands and kissed a lot, and then ... Then everything started to fall apart from the moment when a classmate kissed me. Czarek broke up with me, and I didn't want to be with that girl. It was then that I had my third and final suicide attempt. That was five years ago. It's better now, I'm not looking for love anymore, I've focused on giving my parents a good old age and getting enough money to build a safe place for people like me. I don't want it to be a psychiatric hospital, although we will definitely have psychologists and psychiatrists there. That's why I'm so grateful to AlphaTauri for giving me the chance to work on this series and coming out of guys. I hope that this will open the way for me to obtain adequate funds for my goal. Ooh! I'm talking too much!
— It's okay, I'm glad you told me about it. How did you get started writing stories?
— Actually, I wrote my first story when I was 9 years old, I always liked to write and read, my mother was a librarian, so it came very naturally to me. In the most difficult moments, writing was my therapy and a form of escape from the grim and painful reality.
— It's like acting and singing for me.
– I know, it shows when you play, you always give 100%, it's really nice to work with you.
— Thank you. I'm trying, I'm a professional after all, right? — I joked and laughed. She echoed me. I was wondering if I should tell her about what I had discussed with Perth. She said she wasn't looking for love anymore, I wonder if she knew that love found her, only that stubborn man didn't have the courage to tell her everything. I often see them talking to each other, Perth has such buttery eyes afterwards, it's funny. It's nice to look at. You can see that my friend cares about her and this brings her something to drink, and this draws her into a conversation under the pretense of not understanding her character, or shows her new games on the phone. Recently, he even taught her how to use Twitch.
There was silence again, during which I could look at my interlocutor carefully. She was wearing a light yellow dress with tiny white flowers and a blue cardigan over her shoulders, the sleeves tied in a knot over her chest. She wasn't terribly thin, on the contrary, she was far from a model, but her face was beautiful (I'm speaking objectively, even a gay man is able to see the beauty of a woman). She had gray, large eyes, not too big and not too small, pink lips and a shapely, perfect nose, under which there was a large mole on the left side. She also had a few freckles on her cheeks.
Perth told me she was beautiful. I smiled just remembering his beaming face when he told me about it.
—Why are you laughing? — She asked. Apparently, she too was watching me carefully.
— Can I ask you something? — I answered a question with a question in return.
—Sure, you can ask whatever you want.
— What do you think of Perth?
— You mean our Perth Nakhun?
– Uhm. will you answer me?
— I like him. He is cheerful, very friendly and always listens to what I say to him. And he always brings me my favorite iced coffee. Oh, and he's very handsome! I was shocked when I watched the list of the 30 most handsome Thai actors on YouTube and he wasn't there, he's beautiful! How could you not put it there?! And his role as Ram in "My Engineer"? After all, he looked gorgeous there with that fair skin and tattoo.
I laughed. And I couldn't stop laughing. I clapped my hands at this description. I had no doubts anymore, and what's more, I couldn't understand Perth's doubts at all, because this girl was crazy about him, why didn't he go and just tell her? But he is silly!
— Hey, Zee, what are you laughing at? — She glared at me as if I had committed the crime of the century by laughing. This only made me laugh even more.
— You're going to be a very cute couple — I said when I stopped laughing.
— What? What couple? Like who? What?
— You and Perth.
— It would be nice, but it's totally impossible.
— Why?
— Because Perth is gay? And he'll never look at me that way?
I slapped my hand against my forehead. The situation was so funny that I couldn't wait to get back to our room and tell NuNew about everything. But he will wish he had been here to see our discussion with his own eyes! Poor New! So much to miss!
— You're laughing again!" And I don't understand anything! Tell me what are you laughing at again?
— You.
— Me? And what have I done? Huh?
— What gave you the idea that Perth was gay? — I asked, wanting to put her on the right track.
— Well, because... uh... I don't really know, it seemed to me that...
– You probably thought that since he plays in the BL series, he is gay? Annie, listen to me carefully. You can't just assume that someone is one way or another based on just one factor. Perth is not gay, but it's a subject you should talk about yourself and as soon as possible so as not to cause further misunderstandings. I'm not him and I will not speak for him, but I advise you well, talk to him.
My words made a deep impression on her. She stared at me with her eyes wide and her mouth slightly parted, as if she was absorbing every sentence I said and trying to understand it. I covered her hand with mine as I continued my speech.
– I see that you are very important to each other, don't miss such a chance, because you may not get another one. Instead of sitting here with me, call him and ask him to come here, talk, explain everything to each other. And we'll see you tomorrow on the set of our series, okay?
— Okay, okay, I don't think that's a bad idea at all. Okay, I'll do it. — She took the phone from the table and dialed Perth. I figured it was time to wash up. Also, I couldn't wait to tell Nu about it! I snuck out as soon as I heard "Hello."
NuNew was already waiting for me in the living room, doing something on his phone as usual. Fortunately, it was our day off, another idea from Annie, who said that if we keep working like this, our show won't turn out as well as she would like.
— I returned! — I called and went over to him to hug him. He immediately put the phone aside.
— I'm very happy about that — He replied. — Did you miss me already?
-l— Yeah! I missed you so much, my sweetheart. — I said, watching with satisfaction as his cheeks and ears turned red. Despite the passage of time, I still managed to embarrass him, it was very cute and boosted my confidence to the skies. Nu acted as if I was the only man on the planet. He was still very young, not as experienced, he didn't know the side of life that I did, but that made me happy because I didn't want him to go through what I went through. I was just unhappy. and Annie. When I remembered this, I immediately sat down next to him and began to relate the course of our discussion. Nu was looking at me with his eyes shining with happiness in such a way that I couldn't finish the story because I couldn't help but kiss him. After a moment, he pushed me gently away and asked me to finish my account of my conversation with Annie.