Sitting at home waiting for any information on Ohm, Boun, Fluke and what actually happened, I made myself my favorite coffee and went outside to sit on the bench by my favorite old tree. I took advantage of the fact that NuNu went with Saint to record a demo. Looking at the greenery and multicolored flowers surrounding me, I was immersed in memories, going back to the day some paparazzi snapped some photos of me holding Annie's hand.
It was just the beginning of work on our joint work and the Polish woman still couldn't find herself in a new country and in a new reality for her. Our photos quickly went viral on the internet, and rumors spread that Annie was my secret lover. I've never heard more bullshit in my life, but I had to explain everything to our friends when P'Aof gathered us together in the conference room and asked what we were going to do next. It was frustrating how little we could do. Again, I wanted to apologize to everyone for everything. I even wondered, somewhat ironically, whether perhaps I shouldn't apologize for breathing at all.
There was no fresh air in the stuffy room, but even the open windows did little to help. We were sweating like crazy, which may have been due to stress.
— Do we really have to say this? Why? If we're not allowed to say what we really feel and think anyway, why talk to us at all? Let the agency send them the finished text and that's it, at least they won't waste our time — I heard irritation in Nu's voice. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who didn't like what we were offered.
— New, take it easy, don't worry about it — Annie tried to comfort him. Each of us was given a ready-made text to learn, we had cards with questions and answers in front of us.
— Damn it! —To our amazement, Saint showed anger for the first time in our presence. — It's so fucked up! Why should I confirm that Zee is free?! After all, every fan of ours knows that we don't talk to each other! What fucking moron wrote that?
—I sense Darcy's work — Annie replied to us. — Look, there's something I need to tell you while we're here together.
I looked at the faces of the others. New, Nat, Max, and Saint all looked curious and concerned at the same time. I loved Nu as he was in the beginning, I love him now, and I always wanted to love him, but he too slowly changed. P'Sky, however, took something away from him, Nu is no longer as charmingly naive as he used to be, he has become more suspicious, distrustful. I wanted to punch P'Sky's face for that.
—Guys, please listen to me carefully.
— Okay — Only Nat replied. The tension in the room was rising, the atmosphere was saturated with something heavy that was difficult to identify, I could safely call it the weight of secrets.
I don't want to beg you for anything anymore.
You don't have to love me.
I don't want you to pretend.
Please be yourself.
Don't hurt me anymore.
I can't handle this.
Hold on baby.
Maybe it's too much for us?
We fight, we drown, we fall.
What's next? What's next?
What will happen to us?
I want to rekindle that fire within us.
Maybe it's just words.
We're stuck in a sea of lies.
Trapped parrots in golden cages.
Let me wipe your tears.
Can't you see how secretly I love you?
I love you...
I glanced at the paper on which I had written the words circulating in my mind. It was so refreshing and cleansing, I needed it.
Why did someone on the board not like the fact that a picture of Annie holding my hand was posted online? We've already cleared this up with Nu and Annie. Annie needed a friend, someone who would understand and comfort her. She was in a foreign country, very far from home, she missed her parents, the animals and the freedom she had there. In addition, she wanted to talk to someone about her feelings for Perth, she needed the advice of someone more experienced, and although I couldn't call myself an expert on such matter, I was happy to talk to her about it.
—Do they really prefer that Zee never meet any woman, even if it's just a friend? Seriously? Why?
— They sell the image of Zee as madly in love with NuNew — Max explained with a hint of impatience in his voice. — They are afraid that if he shows up in the company of a beautiful woman, the LGBT community will turn against them.
— So stupid! After all, Zee is a real person, not an item for sale! — Annie exclaimed irritably.
— But baby, that's how we work, we sell couples — Nat said sarcastically, imitating P'Sky's perfectly mean tone.
I instinctively reached for the carton of macaroons Nu loved so much, and would have eaten one if I hadn't remembered in time that I'd hit my calorie limit for today and if I wanted to eat any more, I'd have to go to the gym or do a choreography rehearsal. Annie saw me put the carton back in its place on the table and got up from the floor to come over. She took out the exact macaroon I wanted and just when I thought she was going to do something mean and eat it herself in front of me, reminding me that we are not equals, she crouched down next to me and extended her hand with the macaroon towards my mouth .
— Zee, open your mouth politely — She pleaded as if I were a small child. Sometimes she acted like our mother, but that's what we liked about her. I made a mental note that I had to tell Perth that Annie would definitely like to become a mother and that he should think about it.
I turned my head to the side.
I wanted to eat it so badly, my stomach was sucking. I was hungry, damn hungry, but until 6:30 in the morning I wasn't allowed to eat anything else because I had to watch the line, Darcy constantly reminded us of this and was critical of everything we ate.
— Annie, you know I'm not allowed — I replied without looking at her.
I was so hungry that tears of frustration and anger started flowing from my eyes.
"Hungry, hungry, hungry! I'm fucking hungry!" My own mind screamed silently.
— Fuck it all, love, if you're hungry, eat this — This time I felt a familiar touch on my thigh. It was NuNew who spoke while placing his hand on my leg. — Please, do it for me and eat something.
Surprised at how easy it was for him to call me "love" around others, including Saint, I opened my mouth and Annie took advantage of this to shove a macaroon inside. I ate it very slowly, savoring the taste. Nu patted my head and he kissed my temple. He was very affectionate that day, he became a real sticky. Maybe because of these articles on the Internet? Well, Nu could be very possessive and if something belonged to him, he didn't let it be taken away too easily.
— Freedom is a luxury only few of us can afford — Saint said suddenly. He sounded like he didn't believe it would get better.
— You've lost all hope, haven't you? — Nu asked. His hand found mine and squeezed. This was how he showed me his support, for which I was completely grateful.
— I had it, and the loss of freedom hurts even more when you get used to it — Annie seemed to be in her usual philosophical mood. Anyway, the weather outside the window was perfect for such thoughts. Raindrops beat against the glass and trickled down slowly. The nearby palm trees were whipped by the wind, and the room was lit with the bright blue light of a huge square chandelier above our heads.
— Annie... — Perth began, but she cut him off by gesturing to silence him.
— Let me finish. I used to have as much freedom as I wanted, I could talk about what I wanted, hang out with whoever I wanted, and no one cared. Yes, the neighbors and the other students at school liked to gossip, but it usually ended with only gossip... Anyway, it doesn't matter now. We have to figure out what to do with it. Darcy can be dangerous, so I'd prefer you to obey her orders for now, without giving her an excuse to get angry with you. Zee and New just have to prove to the fans that they really are a couple.
— Yeah, but we're not allowed to say outright, 'Hey, it's NuNew Chawarin, I wanted to tell you that Zee and I are in a relationship, Zee is my boyfriend and I'm his boyfriend', they'd probably kill us for that.
— This is what pisses me off the most, the fucking motherfuckers think they will forever control us and take the money that is owed to us, in return giving us no freedom and only dos and don'ts! — Saint didn't mince words, he didn't care to throw in profanity and colloquialisms, I noticed that he had changed a lot since the last time we worked together. He used to be much more cheerful, funny, quick to mischief, his eyes often danced with happy sparks, and when he impersonated a character, he really brought it to life, made me not feel like I was acting, on the contrary, every scene seemed so real that it felt like it was really happening. We experienced everything together with the fictional characters we played: they were part of us, we were part of them. I missed that cheerful, contented Saint who was my friend, who knew how damn hard it was for me to get through the so-called "fan service" that P'Sky had made us both do.
I wish I could tell Nu that I once went through what he went through, that someone once forced me to pretend, to lie to fans, to do everything that disgusted me and made me feel uncomfortable. I too used to lock myself in my room and spend my nights crying instead of sleeping, writing soppy songs, memorizing lines before interviews or press conferences. I was sleep deprived at the time, which showed on my face and which pissed off our head stylist.
I turned to Nu and studied his face.
His eyes were visibly swollen. I knew why. He was crying, but he wouldn't tell me, and I respected that. I wanted to give him as much space as he needed.
I missed the rest of the conversation because I couldn't concentrate on it. Most people in the room spoke English. Feeling the weight of care and responsibility for the fate of all of us on my shoulders, I felt the urge to smoke. Annie had already returned to her seat on the couch next to Perth, so I got up and walked over to her.
— Annie, would you like me to borrow a cigarette? — I asked, catching everyone's attention. I could feel their eyes on me, I know they were worried about me, but I needed to relieve myself somehow, it was overwhelming me. Luckily she didn't ask me any questions, apparently my face told her everything she wanted to know. She reached for her purse on the floor and pulled out a half-empty pack of cigarettes, then handed it to me. I took out one cigarette and gave her the box, exchanging it for a lighter. I slowly walked out onto the balcony. I couldn't smoke inside because of the smoke detectors that were literally everywhere.
I could hear their conversations behind me, only Nu was very quiet. I didn't want to worry him so much, but I did! Maybe I'm not a good partner for him at all? I gave him cause to worry again.
When I finally got back to the room, I saw that each of our guests was sitting with their nose in the phone and reading something. I leaned over Nu and looked at his phone screen. I saw the following titles in the search engine: “New girlfriend of Zee Pruk? Who is this mysterious woman?" "Did Zee cheated on NuNew?", "Big affair behind the scenes!!!", "ZeeNuNew fake? Zee spotted in center of Bangkok with unknown woman while holding hands".
— NuNu, you know best that it's not like that, we're just friends — Annie explained to NuNew in a shaky voice. So these articles and these photos were the reason why we were written answers and controlled more than usual? Have we just lost the miserable remnants of freedom we still had?
— Don't worry, I get it. You can make news of the month out of anything these days. As I said before, a relationship between two people should be based on mutual trust, if this is missing, there is no point in continuing it. I trust you and I trust Zee.
I was impressed by Nu's maturity. He didn't get angry, he didn't make crazy scenes of jealousy (sometimes we were told to pretend to be jealous and possessive in public places, in fact maybe we were a little too possessive of each other, but not to excess, meanwhile we had to hide the truth about ourselves from the fans), he approached the subject coldly, calmly analyzed the available information and did not panic. I respected him for that, because even I sometimes said too much, panicked, or worried about him. But he trusted me and slowly taught me that I could trust him too. It was a pleasant feeling.
— I'm sorry... I really didn't think it would end like this, it was just an impulse, I just wanted to hold someone's hand.
The Polish woman's voice trembled dangerously, as if she was about to cry. It was obvious she was feeling guilty. I felt sorry. She hasn't done anything wrong! But before I could say anything, my friend had already sprung into action.
— You can always hold my hand — Perth offered her, holding out his hand. — I'm single and I don't mind.
Her cheeks immediately flushed pink. Nu stood up and leaned over to whisper in my ear the phrases that explained a lot to me.
— That's why I'm not worried. After all, Annie already has an eye on someone, and someone has an eye on her.
We finally decided to post a picture of Perth and Annie on Instagram, sitting on the couch together. Actually, it wasn't supposed to be a photo, it was supposed to be a short video on Story, where we'll accidentally show Annie dozing off with her head on Perth's shoulder, and he hugs her and looks at her with tenderness available only to people who are in love with each other. That should end any speculation. In the second story, New was seen kissing my neck. Annie took my phone away for a moment and wrote something in her own language, which she later translated to me as "owner of Zee: New Chawarin."
— I wrote in Polish for fans to understand right away, I know many of them will take screenshots and I'm pretty sure Darcy will call us in a moment and demand that we remove this post.
I was shocked at how quickly Annie was learning our world. She quickly learned to be suspicious and distrustful of people who were in a higher position than us, and only said in public what she was allowed to say even when she didn't agree with it - as she explained to me, she was stalling because she knew Perth and Mark need time to find evidence unambiguously tying P'Sky and P'Aof to all the crimes and crimes they have committed. She also told us that our theoretical manager, Darcy, was involved in the whole process.
— Pierre wanted her out of F1, so she was tasked with managing the series. She still thinks it's an honor! — Annie explained with a triumphant smile.
— And who is the actual boss?
— Me of course! Who did you expect?
— Definitely not you — I joked, teasing her.
Annie was taciturn and rather calm, but she thrived in the company of close people, she was a bit like Perth. He, too, was generally calm, agreeable, and focused on his task.
* * *
I finally had to talk to him anyway. No matter how much it would cost me. With P'Sky and Darcy in prison, we could finally stop being afraid, we could finally tell the truth. It felt weird, I couldn't get used to it. I couldn't get over my anxiety and distrust, but...
It was Saint, my old friend and someone who had risked so much for me. He sacrificed our friendship, gave up what could have been between us. I keep thinking back to the days when I already knew I liked him, but even then we were ordered to start moving away from each other. Now that we know the story of First and Khaotung, we know that P'Sky tried to do the same thing to them as he did to us. He wanted to separate the two as well. Ironically, they were saved by the misfortune of First's illness.
I struggled with my thoughts for a long time before I finally left my room and went to Saint's room. I knocked on the door, though I didn't expect him to welcome me with open arms. We were professional at work, and we talked even more since Fluke and Boun died, but I didn't tell him one thing: that he was the one I used to be in love with and that was the real reason P'Sky split us up. P'Sky hated gays and would do anything to hurt, humiliate and bully us, to show us that we are inferior. He forced us to do many things against our will. My luck was that P'Sky's choice fell on NuNew Chawarin, a young, energetic boy with a beautiful, angelic voice. P'Sky saw an opportunity for himself and wanted to take advantage of a young, ignorant and naive dreamer. He almost made it, but he forgot one thing: that New was not easy to rule. He's a little stubborn and sometimes it's better to give up than to argue with him pointlessly. He's my stubborn man and I won't let anyone touch him.
Saint, meanwhile, pulled me inside quite enthusiastically, then looked carefully around the corridor.
— No one saw you? — He asked.
— Saint... Calm down. P'Sky and his men have been arrested, we don't have to be afraid anymore — I reminded him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him.
— Oh shit, old habit. Sorry. I still can't get used to it. I've lived in fear and insecurity for so long, and looked back for so long, that it's hard for me to wean myself out of it now. But it's nice to think that this monster will get what it deserves. They'll take good care of him in prison.
— Yeah... Or he'll turn into a drug smuggler — I was skeptical.
— Oh Zee, Zee... You'll never learn, will you? Life is not a movie, and P'Sky killed a lot of people, it turns out that there were even children among them. Did you know that Off's baby's mother was also murdered by P'Sky?
— I didn't know...
— You know that now. P'Mark said that Yim and Tutor reached the graves where this pervert buried at least three children, you know, children! — Saint almost yelled and I saw murder in his eyes. Saint could look terrifying, although he was a cute teddy bear in everyday life: a cuddly toy that children especially stick to and, for some reason I don't understand, Annie and... And my NuNew. How ironic!
— Now I understand why everyone was afraid... The beast that murders innocent children deserves to feel the same suffering that he caused others — I said, gritting my teeth in anger. Just thinking about it made my blood boil.
— Boun was his last victim.
— Are you sure there won't be more?
— It won't. You don't yet know what they do to those who hurt children in prisons, P'Sky will find out the hard way.
— And he should get what he deserves! Fucking son of a bitch! I want to smash his skull myself!
— I know, so do I, but look at it from the other side: we regained freedom and no one else will die at the hand of this bandit — After these words, I understood that Saint, despite all the drastic experiences, has not changed at all. He was still too good-natured and too nice to call even the biggest fucker by his name. I thought that P'Sky was desecrating the beautiful name of Cosmos/Sky/Space given to him. I didn't understand how someone who was a completely unhuman walking and eating rock got such a cute name that didn't suit him so much.
Saint didn't let me think about it for too long. He made me comfortable in a chair at a table set with snacks from fans, handed me a bottle of some soda, and then asked what exactly brought me here. I remembered it immediately.
— I've come to explain something to you, something I should have told you a long time ago, maybe then some of the bad things wouldn't have happened, maybe Boun would have lived...
— Don't say that. I think if it wasn't for all of that, it could have been even worse, because what happened ultimately led to the capture of the villains, right?
— True.
— Well, then don't worry, because you have nothing to worry about.
I smiled gratefully at him. It was nice to have a friend back.
— Okay, but there's still something I want to tell you. Now that I have NuNu and you have Lando, I think it's safe to say that when we worked together, I was in love with you. And the proof is the song I wrote then.
I took my phone out of my pocket, clicked on the YouTube icon, typed in the title of the song I was singing, then turned it on for Saint, asking him to listen carefully to the words.
I'm standing right here
All alone
I'm everywhere you can't see me
Nobody knows
That I am
I watch you everyday
Even if you don't look back
Enough already
Be a distant audience
My heart trembles just looking at you
Because I know
Anytime
I'm just someone who isn't important
I'm just someone you won't look at
Not once
That you'll realize I'm here for you
I'm just someone you don't notice
I'm just someone you don't need
Does not exist
But that's okay
It's enough that I can have you like this
I know I'm not important
I'm not the person to be on your side
No matter how much I love you
It's a matter of the heart
No matter what I do
Your heart will never be mine
When you fall, when you're sad
No matter how much suffering you go through
I will always be by your side
And I will never leave you
After all, I'm just nobody
That's enough
Be your audience from afar
— Did you loved me?
— I thought so... But then I met Nu... And I realized I was deceiving myself. I loved you, but as a brother, as a friend, and it hurt to lose you. And because of P'Sky I was thinking that I love you that way.
Saint looked at me with a smile. I got him back, I got my friend back! I wanted to grab him in my arms, spin us around and thank fate for giving me back what I thought I had lost forever.
I looked carefully at the posters on the wall. One of them showed Lewis Hamilton raising another trophy, with the words "Knowing when to leave the stage undefeated" written in red underneath, with the word "undefeated" in cursive, ornamental type. I liked it, and so did we. Saint walked off the stage, but ultimately was unbeatable. And soon the time will come for me to leave the stage, making room for younger, equally talented future stars and idols. The time of each of us comes to an end, so as long as we last, we want to shine brightest, we want to be noticed and remembered so that even many years later someone will still remember us and come back to our old works with nostalgia.
* * *
That night the same nightmare came back again.
I was again in the middle of a small town at night. The full moon shining above my head bathed the area in a silver glow. There was no light in any of the nearby buildings, not a living soul to be seen. You'd expect silence, but it was incredibly loud. Ducks quacking and other sounds made by waterfowl could be heard in the nearby river. The reeds nearby rustled menacingly, sending shivers down my spine. For some reason, the occupants of the nearest house, a white one-story building with a flat black roof, had hung chains like cow chains from the gutters next to the entrance, which chimed as if they wanted to chase me away, but I couldn't move an inch. I stood frozen in place and stared ahead at my own family home, a small but well-maintained building with a ground floor, first floor and attic, where my brother Jimmy's room was located. The town looked dead. All around me I heard the distant rustle of the wind, carrying some bad news. There was not a single cloud in the sky, and right next to the Moon you could see red, ominous, symbolizing war, Mars. I knew what was about to happen, but this time I couldn't prevent it.
Suddenly, in a completely empty house, which I was looking into through the glass door onto the terrace, a fire appeared and spread quickly. Like out of the ground, my birth mother appeared in front of me, slapping me in the face with her open hand and accusing me of losing all her possessions because of me, that I did it on purpose. She didn't listen when I explained that I wasn't even at home at the time, that I had just come back from a friend's.
This time, however, there was another devastating detail: I could see the faint outline of NuNew in the flames, screaming shrilly. I tried to run to him to help him, but the more I tried to reach him, the more the distance between us grew.
I woke up drenched in sweat and terrified, breathing heavily. I turned my face to the window, noticing that it was still dark. NuNu, completely unaware of the drama that was taking place in my head a moment ago, was sleeping peacefully next to me, breathing evenly and smiling as if he, in turn, was dreaming something beautiful. I moved closer, laid my head slowly on his chest, relieved to realize he was right next to me.