It has been a few months since the holidays and my life couldn't feel more right. It was weird to think how much I've had changed since I moved there, in this plain neighborhood filled with amazing people now indispensable in my life. The school year was almost over. In a few weeks, I would be graduating with all of my friends. Amerie and I were planning on getting an apartment near our university. We couldn't wait to live together. As for Darren and Quinni, they were still trying to figure out their future which I completely understood. I didn't knew for sure I wanted to follow my mother's steps until after New Year's. I guess it always kind of shadowed my thoughts, deep down I knew I've always wanted to be a teacher so that is the classes I will be taking next semester. I was beyond excited but evenly scared as to what would happen with my relationship with Ant after high school. As of now, Ant and I were more in love than ever, if that was love. I still had doubts about our relationship. His mother never completely accepted me, it made everything harder. We would sneak into each other's room which made it all more thrilling and exciting and still in our honeymoon phase even after a few months. But at least, Spider and I's situationship was smoother, I could even call it friendship. So, Ant didn't have to be stuck between us two anymore, he didn't have to choose. We were all one happy group of friends enjoying their last bits of high school.
"Only a few weeks and we're out of this hellhole." Darren exclaimed as they sat down at the picnic table, putting their bag onto it.
I closed the book I was writing in it, not wanting to show my nostalgic scribbling. Ever since school started after the holidays, I've been journaling every day. Writing my feelings and all of this shit on paper so that I have something to read whenever I want to remember this specific moment of my life. The year that changed it all for me.
"I like this hellhole."
Darren arched an eyebrow, cocking their head in confusion.
"What? I met you."
"Oh you sweet arse licker. You know how to feed my ego."
I chuckled to their comment putting the journal and the pen into my back that rested next to me. We were soon joined by Amerie and Quinni who came from the bathrooms, Quinni looking all excited and giggly.
"She finally looked at vagina."
"Please, no." Darren said in disgust.
"I couldn't pass on the offer twice." Amerie responded as she sat down, my bag now in between our bodies. "Quinni baby, you have magnificent flaps." She continued as she held hands with Quinni across the table.
I smiled at the picture as Darren sat still shocked of what they had just heard. I looked up at the sky. It was a cloudy day, dark clouds that could cry at any moment. My gaze stood still for a moment when suddenly, I felt a pressure on my cheek.
Ant.
"Hey you."
I watched him sat besides me as he took the bag and laid it on his thighs. Dusty and Spider followed him to our table as I smiled them hello.
"I've missed you this morning." Ant said into my ear. "You were gone before I woke up."
"Sorry, I had to go get my books before class."
"Nerd." He snickered.
"Whatever." I grinned while he kissed me one more time on the cheek.
We both returned our attention to our group of friends that were talking. I hadn't noticed that Malakai, Harper, Missy and Sasha had joined us. I looked over at Amerie but she was so much focused on Malakai that Harper's presence didn't even bothered her. Good, I thought.
"So guys, we need to find a theme for JJ's birthday party this week." Amerie shouted to get everyone's attention as I blushed.
"Where is it? When?" Sasha asked.
"My mom's. She's going to be on a trip with my aunt next weekend. So, I'll have the house to myself."
"Such an Aries thing to do." Darren exclaimed as I frowned to their comment, not really understanding the whole meaning of it.
"Even Friday night?" Ant whispered to me in my ear with a smirk on his lips as I gave him a tiny push on his shoulder. Idiot. I knew what he had on his mind.
"I'm not sure I want a theme though."
"Uhhh. Every respectful party has a theme." Someone said.
"Yeah." Amerie exclaimed. "How about the 70s? The 80s."
"Too basic." Sasha said.
"Who cares?" Spider sighed, his arms crossed.
I briefly locked eyes with him. Even if I wanted to say our relationship was back to normal, to even before I started going to Hartley's, it would never be. Friendship was an even way too warm word to describe what it was between us at this moment. We tolerated each other, avoided the other as much as we could. It was a cold and frigid friendship that didn't feel right. But I deeply wished it had gone back to what we were.
"JJ cares so shut it Spider." Amerie exclaimed as I snickered knowing damn well she was the one who did but I didn't mind.
"What about movie characters. You always watch movies." Ant excitedly said.
"Meh."
They all started thinking and shouting ideas about the party and they were all pretty boring. Nothing that quite felt personal for my eighteenth birthday
"Oh I know!" Quinni spoke up. "We all dressed up as a version of JJ!"
The more they thought of it, the more they liked the idea. And so did I. I thought it could be funny, being impersonated by all my favorite people.
"If you guys don't want to dress up, it's fine but for the others, please do Quinni's idea." I finally said.
"Mark your calendars pals. Next Friday, it's this bitch's birthday!" Amerie shouted as everyone started to laugh.
The bell rang and we all groaned at the sound of it. Dreading to go back to class. I turned to face Ant and smiled at his gaze already on me. I grabbed the bag out of his hold. Soon, the crowd spread and only Ant and I were left at the picnic table.
"Let me walk you to English." Ant said while standing up and out the table and offering me his hand to help myself up.
"What a gentleman." I chuckled as I hold his hand and joined him.
We walked through the corridors, holding hands. I felt his thumb caressing my palm, making butterflies fly up and down my stomach. I liked how he showed his affection in public, acknowledging our relationship and showing to the whole world to see. Don't get me wrong, our pre-holidays secret hookups were exciting but it was nothing compared to this.
"You want to hang out tonight?"
I snapped back to reality.
"Sure."
"Join me at the car after classes." Ant replied as he gave me a quick peck on the lips and jogged to his own classroom, leaving me standing and wanting more of his touch.
English was my best subject and yet this class felt longer than it should be. The teacher not wanting to be there as much as its students making the lecture the most boring. Finally, the bell rang and I gathered all of my things and walked towards the exit, not bothering to even stop at my locker.
"Hey." I kissed Ant as I sat at the passenger side of his car.
"Am I getting a kiss too?"
I pulled off my lips from his and quickly turned around to find a smirking Spider.
"Don't be a jerk." Ant replied looking at his friend through the rearview mirror. I snickered to his response, glad he spoke up.
The car now on the road, I turned up the radio's volume to muffled my voice so that Spider couldn't hear.
"I thought we were hanging out?" I mouthed to Ant. He shrugged and I rolled my eyes, unsatisfied of his response.
We quickly arrived at Harry's as Ant parked the car. Both Spider and I told him what we wanted and after that, he went to the counter ordering the food. We were left unsupervised and the awkwardness soon filled the car. After a few minutes of silence, Spider finally spoke up.
"You seem mad."
"I'm not."
"Your arms are crossed."
I rested them at my sides, my hands on my thighs. My gaze still focused on Ant waiting for our food at the counter.
"Okay." He sighed. "You know I'm trying really hard."
"For what?"
"Smoothing things."
"Smoothing things?" I snorted to his serious tone.
"God dammit, JJ. You're making this so hard."
I finally turned around my seat irritated, looking straight up in his eyes. His dark blue eyes. I was mad with him, I held a grudge against him for only existing. His chest kept lifting up and down, his breath now heavier. I wished he would just disappear and let me be. Let me be happy with Ant.
"No. You're the one who's making this hard." I spat out.
Spider rested his elbows on his knees, his face now inches from mine. He frowned and my heart sank. I hated how how he had still that effect on me. I felt like I was betraying Ant and he didn't deserve any of what I was feeling.
"What did I do? I've gave you plenty of space."
"You're... You."
He kept his gaze on my eyes. Times to times dropping it at my lips and then my neck. He made me blushed and I resented him for it. I shook my head trying to brush away all of those feelings.