italics is narrated
Bold is messages
let's take a step back shall we, let me rewind...
it's not like i was physically abused, or had a shortage of clean water, or was molested by a family member. so explain this shit to me.
i don't remember much between the ages of eight and twelve. just that the world moved fast and my brain moved slow.
and every now and then, if i focused too closely on the way i breathed...i'd die
until every second of everyday you find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety.
and quite frankly i'm just fuckin exhausted.
at some point you make a choice, about who you are and what you want.
we all start somewhere right, that's how all the drug addicts started, some started with marijuana, prescribed medication, opiates, and other shit wanting something stronger till they eventually tried it all. i sneaked prescribed Xanax from my mom, but that's not where i started.
just like that a a middle class childhood in an American suburbs.
i just showed up one day without a map or a compass. or to be honest anyone capable of giving iota of good fucking advice.
And i know it might all seem sad but guess what?
i didn't build the system, nor did i fuck it up.
snorting, drinking, drinking, snorting, smoking that's how parties where for me.
and then it happens.
that moment when your breath starts to slow, and every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have, and everything stops.
your heart,
your lungs,
then finally your brain.
everything you feel, and wish, and want to forget, it all just sinks.
then suddenly, you give it air again, give it life again.
i remember the first time it happened to me. i got so scared i wanted to call 911. go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice.
but i didn't wanna look like an idiot, i didn't wanna fuck up everyone's night.
then over time, it's all i wanted; those two seconds of nothingness.
i spent a good portion of the summer before junior year in rehab.
it was the end of summer, the week before school started.
i had no intention of staying clean.
and jules had just moved to town.
*****
(Rue's pov)
"there's some new girl in town that i think you gonna be friends with." fezco said to me.
he's sitting on a white lawn chair while i stand across from him. outside of his store.
"who?" i questioned him
"shit ion know. she came in lookin all sailor moon n shit, i'm thinkin to myself looks like someone rue would hang out with." he responded.
which was sorta like a dead-on observation for fezco, who's not normally revolving in the same direction as planet earth.
"so how long you been back?" he questioned.
"five days."
"and like, how you feelin? "
"i mean, ever since i gave my life over to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, things have been like really good." i joked.
"word that's what's up" he responded obviously not getting to joke.
"yeah." i played along before realizing he really doesnt catch the joke.
i'm fuckin whichu fez, it was a joke." i stepped forward slapping his leg, laughing before standing by his side.
"shit." he laughed with me getting the joke.
"hey i don't judge." he said
"uh, but lowkey is ashtray in the back?" i questioned him
"you serious." he turned to me.
"what you think cause i went to rehab i stayed clean?" i told him sounding like he just said a joke.
"i mean ain't that the point." he asked.
"yeah well the worlds coming to an end, and i haven't even graduated high school yet." i said before walking towards the inside of the store to go into the back freezer.
opening the freezer i hear rap music giving me the sign ashtray is indeed in the freezer.
"i though yo ass was dead." he said dropping his spoon into his cereal bowl before moving it to the side.
"and i though you had Asperger's til i realized you're just a prick."
"this is a fickle industry. y'all come and go. i'm just trying to stack my cash, pay off our mortgage. so what the fuck you want."
he passed me what i usually grab, and i pocketed it.
"you sure you don't wanna try nothin new?" he asked.
"like what?" i questioned.
"2 C-T-2, 2C-T-7, and 5- meO-DIPT." he named off.
"i'm sorry i have zero fucking idea what you just said." i told him clueless onto what the fuck i just heard.
"doesn't matter, but this shit is fuckin lit." he responded picking up one of the drugs he named off
"what is it?" i questioned.
" N-diisoproply- 5- methoxytryptamine. it's a fast-acting psychedelic. got some similarities to LSD, but with like key differences. not as visual and shit, but definitely a sense disorder. i don't know this shits been blowing up in tampa, and mad people like to fuck on it." he finished explaining to me.
"okay yeah." i said after dozing back to what the fuck he was saying. i have still zero clue to what he was just saying but that shit sounds good.
"that'll be $120." he said
"uh fezco said he'd spot me."i lied.
"fezco don't spot nobody." he made it clear.
"yeah well it's a post-rehab discount, so you should ask him."
"i will go ask him cause i know you full of shit." he accused me.
i ended up walking out the freezer back door.
i walk out seeing nate jacobs passing fezco money through a hand shake.
in truth, i didn't have much of an issue with nate until all the bullshit with jules. i mean i never liked him, and once during freshman formal, he tried to finger me on the dance floor without my permission.
but like it's America, and if they where throwing an end of summer party...
"yo i'd do it for rue." nate jacobs yelled out his window as he drove passed me.
of course i'd fuckin go.
*****
getting home i realized my mom was already home and probably gonna bitch at me.
"fuckk." i muttered before going through the garage and entering to house.
"where were you?" my mom asked as she turned and noticed it was me walking into the kitchen door.
"i went to eat." i made up a lie.
"what do you mean you went to eat." she started investigating me
"what?" i scoffed. and walked into the hall to my room.
"what?" she repeated my question "don't walk away from me." she got up from her chair and started following me.
"you know what rue i don't trust you."
"i don't know what you want me to say." i responded walking to my room.
"i want you to tell me where you were." she says
"i just said i went to fucking eat!" i yelled.
"don't talk to me like that." she yelled back.
"you know what ima drug test you" she yelled walking right after me.
i slammed my door in her face.
"don't be slamming no doors around here." she said
"it was an accident."i said through the door.
"i don't care your not leaving this house until you take a drug test." she said through the door.
"i just peed." i yelled with my back against the door.
"shit" i muttered after hearing her leave my door to her room.
now there multiple ways to beat a drug test.
the first is simple, stop doing drugs.
but if your in a bind and totally fucked, option one niacin.
it's a B vitamin that, like breaks down fat and chemicals or whatever, and if you take a lot of it, like 2,000 milligrams, and chug a few gallons of water, you can flush your system in two to three days.
the only problem is it has a few side effects;
skin fleshing, extreme dizziness, vomiting, rapid heartbeat and sometimes death.
i don't recommend it, nor does any legit drug site on the internet.
option two, synthetic urine.
wayy to expensive.
option three, get a non drug addict friend to piss for you.
the only problem is most over-the-counter home drug testing kits comes with a heat-sensor strip that detects the temperature of your urine.
and if your parents watch you pee, you can't really do the sink trick.
so you gotta get it fresh.
i had my friend who i've known since preschool; lexi howard.
in some ways she's my bestfriend, but where grown apart, don't have much in common anymore.
****
i know a lot of you might hate me right now, and i get it. if i could be a different person, i promise you, i would.
not because i want it but because they do.
"here" i passed the cup of urine to my mom and she put the drug test into it.
"i'm sorry, for slamming the door earlier." i apologized
"it's okay, i forgive you, come here." she said putting a piece of my curly hair behind my ear then pulling me into a hug.
"hey mom can i spend the night at lexi's tonight?" i asked her stopping before i walked out the bathroom.
"yeah that's fine."
"thanks." i responded. before walking out the bathroom.
******
back to the party, the night got weird.
now there's a couple versions of what happened that night.
it all depends on who you ask, and to be honest, im not always the reliable narrator.
but nate was fucking on one,
and in turn,
maddy was fucking on one,
like i said. depends on who you ask, but all i'm saying is word and videos got out that maddy fucked some random guy in the pool.
now obviously Serenity wasn't there , for the only logical reason was cause she wasn't invited.
this was the end of the summer party so she didn't know anyone. she only made friends when she first went to east highland.
and ashtray kinda forgot to invite her.
so she wasn't there, plus she was busy that day.
spending time with her dad before her photo shoot in the morning.
if you haven't noticed she's more responsible then the rest of us in east highland. girls like her don't belong here. she's set for her life.
she has a career, she's not trying to find herself. she found who she wants to be, and what she wants to do with her life.
or at least we thought she did.
she isn't as put together as we thought she was.
no she wasn't suffering from any family problems.
at least not yet.
she wasn't depressed. or she wasn't suicidal.
but she wasn't perfect, we just didn't know it.
she hid it so well she hid everything so well, how were we supposed to know something was wrong
i guess we just thought she has money and a good ass paying job that she was perfect.
we shouldn't have, nobody's perfect, yeah she might be perfect for right now, but this town just fucks her up.
at least she gots her family to rely on.
right?
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Authors note:i love you babes, but i had to do a chapter of rues narration in the first episode. i didn't put the part with maddy and the girls in maddy's room cause ima add that to another scene and add eternity into it.
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